Family

Been a while since I last posted.

What's a family?  They are supposed to be hard on you to help you grow, but at the same time show love right?  Sure makes sense.  Loving but stern parents.  I agree with that stuff don't get me wrong.  But what is it really?  I'm asking cause I honestly don't think I understand.  I call GCF my family, but if we're honest you guys can't ever support me like my parents do, at least financially.  But that's not the point of a family right?  It's too be loving and nurturing, so in that respect you guys are perfect.  In that sense you guys give me something I've needed.

The outside world is a tough place.  Everyone tells you that.  You spend your whole life before college studying hard, and people tell you study what you want and you'll be fine.  But then you get in college and it isn't that way.  It's study what's practical.  Your parents tell you to study something that will get you a job, your friends and the alumni tell you hey study what you want, in the end you can get a job.  But honestly, who are you gonna listen to?  Your friends, or your family?

I mean family right?  At least in my case, I'm supported by them.  Even though I don't want to, I study what they want me to study.  I tell them that the reason I chose it is because you guys recommended it to me, and they instantly say your so spoiled.  You are living your life for yourself, not for me.  What are you talking about?  Get your priorities together.  That's what they say, but then they tell you to study it.  Funny isn't it?  These same people tell what you to do, and then deny it saying do what you want.  Makes life even more confusing right?

Oh wait, it's get better.  This is the family that told you can succeed and when you fail, they don't support you.  They yell at you more thinking that will fix it.  But does it really?  Haha. Even better you get told you should transfer or maybe you should just drop out of college.  Isn't that what every student wants to hear?  You're not good enough, just find another way and stop siphoning your parents money.  Stop being a burden cause that's all you are right now.  And by the way, all your passions in life are stupid and will never help you.  Don't study what you love, study so you can get a job.

Loving and nurturing ends when college begins.  Or maybe this is me just being weird, taking what my parents/family say harshly.  Maybe I'm just too spoiled.  Ok, Fine.  So then what?  What do I do with the pain, the disappointment, the realization that your worth in your family's eyes is you succeeding at school.  Who knows man.  I don't.  If you do please tell me.  I mean I know the answer of don't mess up again.  But apparently, I don't have a family of second chances, I have one where they tell me I should just leave

And so then, how do I know what love is?  From God?  That's how its supposed to be, but now I live in this cycle of fear of am I perverting your love God?  Do I even understand your love God?  Do I even know you?  And so why am I writing this?  Because I'm too prideful/feel too awkward to ask you individually for prayer.  But I really think that's what I need.  I'm fatherless cause I wasn't important enough to want.  I have no grandparents or anyone cause through various family issues, just my mom and step-dad, and my aunt and uncle.  But apparently my aunt and uncle are done with me now.  And because they are yelling at me via talking to my mom, I'm sure my mom is pretty angry too.  So please, pray for me.

First post, probably only one for a while.

Parents are the one set of people that I think no matter how old you grow you want to please them.  Even when they piss you off, even when they are on your case every single second of every time you talk to them all they say is why not better.  But it’s not like they don’t care about you, they really do, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s hard.  It’s not like you aren’t trying to honor their wishes.  Because you are, and every time you fail it hurts you and them, but for me hurting them hurts so much more than when it does me.  Seeing their faces drop with disappointment, seeing them react with just anger asking what happened.  And what can you say back?  Nothing.  Even if I get angry at my parents, behind that anger is this huge amount of guilt because I got angry at them.

They put so much hope in you, but I wonder if they ever stop to think just how much stress that brings you as well.  You can’t fail.  If you don’t understand you’re just stupid, or you’re not trying hard enough.  Oh, you want me to do something, alright so you try, but you fail.  And of course you say sorry, but there are so feelings that are behind that sorry.  Do they hear that sorry?  Do they hear that genuine cry in your heart that you just want to please them?  

My mom loves to say, “All the work you’ve done in your life was for yourself and never for me.”  But I honestly don’t think that’s true, at least for me.  Behind my actions is a deep seated desire to just have her be happy.  I grew up raised by my mom.  Yes I had a step-dad who entered into my life by like age 6 or 7 I think, but my mom is the one that raised me.  Every time I hear the disappointment from her or see it, it destroys me little by little.  She’s one of the few people that really can just break me, and yet she doesn’t even notice.  Even when I try to tell her that what she says hurts, she’s like what’s wrong with you?  When I try to explain how I’m stressed out, she says, “So what, I went through harder times.”  And I understand that, so I feel even worse.  It’s like I lost the ability to even talk to them about my problems because every time I try to tell her, it’s like nothing compared to what she went through so I receive neither empathy nor sympathy.  I don’t even have someone I can call father here on this Earth.  Yes, I have a step-dad, but for some reason we’ve never developed a bond.  And I blame myself because it’s not like he wasn’t there, but for some reason, it just couldn’t form.  In regards to my Earthly father, we’ve stopped talking for some time, so that creates an even larger burden upon just to make sure that my relationship with my mom is right.  I go out of my way during break to spend more time with her, but it’s never enough.  I try to be more open in various ways, but it’s never enough.  Instead all I hear are the words that you aren’t good enough.  But mom, you’re the only one I have left now.  I have my aunt and uncle, but they aren’t you. 

Why can’t you understand that behind this person you see is a kid.  Yes I’m almost 20, but there’s still a kid here crying because he’s afraid of being left behind by someone else.  My dad left me when I was 2, and even though he saw me randomly for a while, I never was his son, I was just a kid.  What’s to prevent you from leaving me now?  Love?  But then why is it so hard to see and feel that love.  If it’s love, why wasn’t I good enough for my dad to love me too?  Why did he never treat me like a son? The occasional word of good job or something here and there is nice, and it does happen, but I’ve heard that from my dad all my life, but where is he now?  He’s not here with me.  

If we reflect on God’s sacrifice, we realize the incredible love, and the peace that comes from Him.  Even during dry spells the Gospel does not cease to exist.  The fact that God sent His Son to die for me does not change.  God will always love, and in that there’s a peace that can’t be found anywhere else.  Forgive me Father, for I feel like this fear I have of failing and disappointing those above me has transcended even unto You.  I really want to hear that “Well done good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21) when I die, but that’s not something we earn.  But God says “this is my Son whom I love; with him I am well pleased” (Matthew 3:17).  He says that to Jesus, but then because of Jesus we are children of God.  God has given us this right through His Son.  God, I really am sorry for my ranting, and just for my foolishness.  Thank you for your blessings that you have rained upon me, and let me give praise unto you.  Help me Lord to seek after you more, to love you more, and to realize Lord that I need you before all else.   Help me to love my parent, but at the same time know they mean the best.  Help me not to forget that, but ultimately let my security rest with you.  And please, save my family.  Lord, please save my family.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Btw: I'm willing to talk about this to anyone that would like to talk I guess.  Please don't try to give me sympathy, I just hope it's encouraging to you in some way.  God's love is all I need.  Take care and God bless.