Been a while since I last posted.
What's a family? They are supposed to be hard on you to help you grow, but at the same time show love right? Sure makes sense. Loving but stern parents. I agree with that stuff don't get me wrong. But what is it really? I'm asking cause I honestly don't think I understand. I call GCF my family, but if we're honest you guys can't ever support me like my parents do, at least financially. But that's not the point of a family right? It's too be loving and nurturing, so in that respect you guys are perfect. In that sense you guys give me something I've needed.
The outside world is a tough place. Everyone tells you that. You spend your whole life before college studying hard, and people tell you study what you want and you'll be fine. But then you get in college and it isn't that way. It's study what's practical. Your parents tell you to study something that will get you a job, your friends and the alumni tell you hey study what you want, in the end you can get a job. But honestly, who are you gonna listen to? Your friends, or your family?
I mean family right? At least in my case, I'm supported by them. Even though I don't want to, I study what they want me to study. I tell them that the reason I chose it is because you guys recommended it to me, and they instantly say your so spoiled. You are living your life for yourself, not for me. What are you talking about? Get your priorities together. That's what they say, but then they tell you to study it. Funny isn't it? These same people tell what you to do, and then deny it saying do what you want. Makes life even more confusing right?
Oh wait, it's get better. This is the family that told you can succeed and when you fail, they don't support you. They yell at you more thinking that will fix it. But does it really? Haha. Even better you get told you should transfer or maybe you should just drop out of college. Isn't that what every student wants to hear? You're not good enough, just find another way and stop siphoning your parents money. Stop being a burden cause that's all you are right now. And by the way, all your passions in life are stupid and will never help you. Don't study what you love, study so you can get a job.
Loving and nurturing ends when college begins. Or maybe this is me just being weird, taking what my parents/family say harshly. Maybe I'm just too spoiled. Ok, Fine. So then what? What do I do with the pain, the disappointment, the realization that your worth in your family's eyes is you succeeding at school. Who knows man. I don't. If you do please tell me. I mean I know the answer of don't mess up again. But apparently, I don't have a family of second chances, I have one where they tell me I should just leave
And so then, how do I know what love is? From God? That's how its supposed to be, but now I live in this cycle of fear of am I perverting your love God? Do I even understand your love God? Do I even know you? And so why am I writing this? Because I'm too prideful/feel too awkward to ask you individually for prayer. But I really think that's what I need. I'm fatherless cause I wasn't important enough to want. I have no grandparents or anyone cause through various family issues, just my mom and step-dad, and my aunt and uncle. But apparently my aunt and uncle are done with me now. And because they are yelling at me via talking to my mom, I'm sure my mom is pretty angry too. So please, pray for me.
