Blargh

Crooked Smile
Yes, I'm behind, but what a beautiful song. Catchy and good/funny lyrics.
Realization... I hate perfection, except of course in God.

Oh man, it's been a while. Camera things that I really want... solid flash, tripod, reflectors. Things I will get soon? Reflectors.

Updates on my life? None. Well maybe some, but nothing of importance. Had a friend say that I've matured a lot. Haha. Made me happy. Why? Cause something that's always on the back of my mind is have I really changed? And the answer is yes. But of course part of my change is due to recognizing how effed up I am. But that's how I've learned more about grace. Seriously... the only thing keeping me going. Grace.

When I take the time to really think about how everything I do, or at least almost everything, is offensive to God. How it nailed a sinless being to a cross. How it killed someone innocent. How that innocent person sacrificed everything for me. As frustrated, self-deprecating, and other words as I get towards myself, I can't help but pause and say thank you. I can't help, but realize... God is worthy. Christ is enough. Christ is the reason to try to change. Christ is the reason to live.

What's happened in the past 1.5 - 2 weeks... I dunno. Yesterday seems so long ago, yet at the same time feels like it passed by so quickly.

But nothing deep or astounding. Random internal conflicts. Felt like enjoying some old school music so did a kickback to high school Mayer CD's... so good haha.
Room for Squares might be one of my all time favorite albums.

Realization
I get cranky really easy... I forgot about that haha. Had to help some people get supplies for the upcoming retreat, which took longer than I expected and caused some complications. For example... missing dinner with my brother on his birthday. I almost cried out of frustration cause I really wanted to be there. Laughable isn't it? And I got here and it was no biggie. Prior to arriving, I knew it was no biggie, but still I felt sad. Although eating some food helped round out my mood.

And speaking of food, I bought my first cookbook. I'm legit going to try to get better at cooking. I want to be sick. I'm so average at life, so maybe this will be something I can actually get good at.

Yes, this is a worthless post. I felt like being angsty, full of emotional outpouring, but I'm too tired for that. And I'm with my family. I can save the angst for when I'm by myself.

But a promise I make to myself. I will die eventually. I want to die, knowing I lived with an attitude of willing to take leaps of faith. A life that's responsible yet not bound by the world. A life full of dependence on God. A life... that isn't a waste haha.