Quick post

FUCK.

That's how I feel. Honestly, I think I've been rather guarded in my postings lately. Not expressing everything on my heart or mind. But here it is. A resounding angry FUCK.

What is behind all this? None of your business, unless you already know then I guess it is your business. But if you don't know... it's not.

Regardless, what does it mean? It means I'm weak. I'm so incredibly weak. I'm so incredibly immature. I'm so incredibly stupid. I'm so incredibly foolish.

I'm not wise. I'm not smart. I'm not strong. I'm not someone worth looking up to. I don't make things better. I make things worse, so that people can see it and recognize how dangerous everything is. I'm ridiculous. I'm a joke. I've done more harm than good in this world, and by all standards I should have been killed already.

I wish I was a dog. There's no freaking afterlife for them. Why? They don't have souls. So as crappy as their life might be right now or as great as it might be, once they die it's over. Not only that, their life span is shorter than ours. Living past 100? Who wants to do that? Not me. Screw that, let me just die now before I go screw some things some more. And take away heaven and hell for me God. You can just destroy my soul, so it goes back to nothingness. Thanks.

Inside me... is a person, who is dead tired. Tired of waking up everyday. Tired of facing things. Tired of breaking things. Tired of being. Does this mean I haven't been saved? I'm not truly transformed by Christ? I don't think so. Cause this person is me, the me that is scarred. The me that remembers many wrong things done or caused or involved. This person is me. This person, this being, is the one undergoing the painful process of sanctification every day. And yet people refuse to see it or at least they won't say it to my face. I mean who will? Who's going to say I think your trash to someone's face? An asshole. And no one wants to be one of those. But guess what, I am one of those. And yet I constantly fight... to see God. After hearing so many testimonies today I was moved by God's power and majesty, and their simple honesty. God is the only eternal thing in my life. But to be honest... sometimes I wish I wasn't a believer so I could go off and die and not worry about it.

But ultimately what is this emotional outpouring, this returning to negavitity? It's a reminder. I'm an incredibly emotional person, no matter how much I try to control it or deny it. I am not cold, aloof, methodical, put-together Mark. I'm awkward. I'm not funny. I'm not good at anything. I'm bad at conversations. I'm bad at pictures. I'm bad at guitar. I'm bad at singing. I'm bad at keeping friendships. I'm bad at helping others. I'm bad at serving. I'm bad at being a son. I'm bad at being a brother. I'm bad at being family. I'm bad at life. I'm incredibly forgettable. I'm a nobody. I'm essentially a waste on this world. And so I scream a resounding FUCK! Cause curse words are the ultimate form of shock in my vocabulary short of cursing God, which I won't do.

Followed by a prayer.

I need to get out of Charlottesville.