Snow

I had another emo post that I wrote out. But... just didn't want to post it. Not today.

One thing I hope never changes in me, my love of snow. I love it. If I'm in a bad mood, I can get stand in the snow, and I'm content. I lay in it, and I stare at the sky. My thoughts cease, and I'm at peace. Peace?

Peace? Why at peace? Cause it's freaking beautiful. I love it. The world gets silent as people tend to go indoors. Cars stop driving. And I can just hear silence. If you don't know what I mean by that sentence, you don't appreciate silence. Not a bad thing, but try to one day.

I love it man. If I had a real fireplace, I would curl up near it and watch the snow fall. With my family and a dog. Haha. A dog that would lounge near me, as I petted it. But the dog probably won't happen. Hopefully the family will.

Queue another digression into emo whining. Haha. So dumb. It's beautiful, and I will appreciate it. None of this stupid crap.

Funny thing: I think God can be pretty funny. I had a dream last night, that just cut me to the core. And half awake, I just cried out to God. That half awake delirium. And I as I drifted back to sleep, I had a much funnier dream. I was eating with people, and JC (younger) wanted to pray for me. And he did that whole rock his body as he prays, which I do as well. But since I was eating, it's like I had utensils hanging from my mouth as we moved haha. In my mind it's funny, and in the dream it was hilarious.

Also had a good time listening to old school Tim Be Told. Oh man that was my college jam. Funny thing is his questions about God in those songs that used to hit me so hard, aren't that present anymore. I'm fully confident God is real and there. But all the emotional stuff of his old songs, it most definitely still resonates haha.

More good things to share/reflections to come in future posts, as I had originally planned.

PRAYER REQUEST:
I will be seeing my bioligical father this Sunday (weather permitting). It's been 4.5-5 years since I last saw. Maybe 4 since I even talked to him via phone? Pray for the right attitude. To be full of grace and love. But really, just pray that he knows Jesus. If our relationship never develops, I can live with it to be honest. I'd be sad of course, but if he never knew Jesus, I guess that concerns me more. Cause I mean in reality, Jesus will bring about greater changes in him and myself than I ever could hope

Somethings never change

Shameless plug, https://markling.exposure.so/montebellas.

Call me... the friendship killer. Cause that's all I am. An asshole. Sigh.

God... surprises me.

What To Do When Faith Dies
Genius

So... I think I'm the kind of person that has to express his emotions to find any form of peace (of course prayer with God). Not that this singular sentence explains my recent post, but it helps to paint the idea. Not that I'm completely over it yet haha.

So I have some pinched nerves in my spine/neck area. I can't fully relax my head backward, and I think overtime it got better. Until I had another concussion snowboarding this past Saturday. Forgot a few seconds of time prior to it and bit my tongue pretty hard. Most of my muscle soreness from falling is gone, minus a couple bruises, but I think it jacked my pinched nerves so it's worse than I remember. Nothing major compared to scoliosis or something, but if you wouldn't mind praying, that'd be nice.

But why does God surprise me? Besides the fact that He always does. He surprised me by dashing some plans, well more like a plan, that was in the works with a resounding kaboom.

And then He blessed me... with a gift that still leaves me confuzzled. Yes, confuzzled. My step-dad had a recruitment thing at UVA for the company he works for (developers need an internship? let me know, and if you aren't terrible, you can hopefully have a shot, at least increase your chances of an interview), and we ate dinner together. Just catching up, I can finally relate to him about work things, so it's nice. It was somewhat awkward, and I could tell he felt awkward because we don't do this one on one talk often/ever. Yet... it was nice.

Fast forward, my mom calls me. Apparently my step-dad sorta bugged her to let me know, but we have some money saved over from my education fund/transforming into my brother's fund. And my parents wanted to let me know, they would help me some with seminary. And I paused you know. Sorta dumbfounded. I fully expected to have to pay it on my own/fundraising/grants or whatever. I expected my parents you know to maybe send me some food haha. Or maybe some pocket change every once in a while.

So to hear that... I was touched. And my mom even said, don't feel restricted by money in going to where you feel like you should. Even if you save up the money, you might find another way to use your money or just decide to change your mind. Her main point was do what you think you should.

Guys... I don't think you can appreciate how much my parents accepting my desire to go to seminary and missions/even being willing to help fund touches me. Granted it's the reversal of the Asian son support the parents, which hurts in many ways. But regardless of if I take any money or not, I'm touched. Wow.

Loving lots of hymns due to Trinity, but here's a praise song that I recently heard that's beauitful. Yes, I'm behind. I don't hear modern Christian worship music besides the radio (which isn't really worship style music), so if you know new songs, send them to me please.
Mercy - Matt Redman

Disclaimer

Previous post is somewhat full emotional turmoil (albeit slightly restrained). Ultimately, everything is fine and everything will be fine. Tis life.

Too many things are interrelated in my mind that should be separate. Or at least would thinks easier.

Quick post

FUCK.

That's how I feel. Honestly, I think I've been rather guarded in my postings lately. Not expressing everything on my heart or mind. But here it is. A resounding angry FUCK.

What is behind all this? None of your business, unless you already know then I guess it is your business. But if you don't know... it's not.

Regardless, what does it mean? It means I'm weak. I'm so incredibly weak. I'm so incredibly immature. I'm so incredibly stupid. I'm so incredibly foolish.

I'm not wise. I'm not smart. I'm not strong. I'm not someone worth looking up to. I don't make things better. I make things worse, so that people can see it and recognize how dangerous everything is. I'm ridiculous. I'm a joke. I've done more harm than good in this world, and by all standards I should have been killed already.

I wish I was a dog. There's no freaking afterlife for them. Why? They don't have souls. So as crappy as their life might be right now or as great as it might be, once they die it's over. Not only that, their life span is shorter than ours. Living past 100? Who wants to do that? Not me. Screw that, let me just die now before I go screw some things some more. And take away heaven and hell for me God. You can just destroy my soul, so it goes back to nothingness. Thanks.

Inside me... is a person, who is dead tired. Tired of waking up everyday. Tired of facing things. Tired of breaking things. Tired of being. Does this mean I haven't been saved? I'm not truly transformed by Christ? I don't think so. Cause this person is me, the me that is scarred. The me that remembers many wrong things done or caused or involved. This person is me. This person, this being, is the one undergoing the painful process of sanctification every day. And yet people refuse to see it or at least they won't say it to my face. I mean who will? Who's going to say I think your trash to someone's face? An asshole. And no one wants to be one of those. But guess what, I am one of those. And yet I constantly fight... to see God. After hearing so many testimonies today I was moved by God's power and majesty, and their simple honesty. God is the only eternal thing in my life. But to be honest... sometimes I wish I wasn't a believer so I could go off and die and not worry about it.

But ultimately what is this emotional outpouring, this returning to negavitity? It's a reminder. I'm an incredibly emotional person, no matter how much I try to control it or deny it. I am not cold, aloof, methodical, put-together Mark. I'm awkward. I'm not funny. I'm not good at anything. I'm bad at conversations. I'm bad at pictures. I'm bad at guitar. I'm bad at singing. I'm bad at keeping friendships. I'm bad at helping others. I'm bad at serving. I'm bad at being a son. I'm bad at being a brother. I'm bad at being family. I'm bad at life. I'm incredibly forgettable. I'm a nobody. I'm essentially a waste on this world. And so I scream a resounding FUCK! Cause curse words are the ultimate form of shock in my vocabulary short of cursing God, which I won't do.

Followed by a prayer.

I need to get out of Charlottesville.

Struggles

Are You Faking or Trying When It Comes to God?
A discussion of semantics? In some ways yes, but I think it's all perspective. Life is all about... perspective.

Things that will never disappoint me? The power of a song. The beauty of nature. God.

Friends will, but they are worth it, but I really think those are some of the few things that will never disappoint.

Sigh... leggo world.

My next post though will include information from a powerful sermon that I heard this past Sunday though. I promise. Just... not in a mood to write about it.

Blargh

Crooked Smile
Yes, I'm behind, but what a beautiful song. Catchy and good/funny lyrics.
Realization... I hate perfection, except of course in God.

Oh man, it's been a while. Camera things that I really want... solid flash, tripod, reflectors. Things I will get soon? Reflectors.

Updates on my life? None. Well maybe some, but nothing of importance. Had a friend say that I've matured a lot. Haha. Made me happy. Why? Cause something that's always on the back of my mind is have I really changed? And the answer is yes. But of course part of my change is due to recognizing how effed up I am. But that's how I've learned more about grace. Seriously... the only thing keeping me going. Grace.

When I take the time to really think about how everything I do, or at least almost everything, is offensive to God. How it nailed a sinless being to a cross. How it killed someone innocent. How that innocent person sacrificed everything for me. As frustrated, self-deprecating, and other words as I get towards myself, I can't help but pause and say thank you. I can't help, but realize... God is worthy. Christ is enough. Christ is the reason to try to change. Christ is the reason to live.

What's happened in the past 1.5 - 2 weeks... I dunno. Yesterday seems so long ago, yet at the same time feels like it passed by so quickly.

But nothing deep or astounding. Random internal conflicts. Felt like enjoying some old school music so did a kickback to high school Mayer CD's... so good haha.
Room for Squares might be one of my all time favorite albums.

Realization
I get cranky really easy... I forgot about that haha. Had to help some people get supplies for the upcoming retreat, which took longer than I expected and caused some complications. For example... missing dinner with my brother on his birthday. I almost cried out of frustration cause I really wanted to be there. Laughable isn't it? And I got here and it was no biggie. Prior to arriving, I knew it was no biggie, but still I felt sad. Although eating some food helped round out my mood.

And speaking of food, I bought my first cookbook. I'm legit going to try to get better at cooking. I want to be sick. I'm so average at life, so maybe this will be something I can actually get good at.

Yes, this is a worthless post. I felt like being angsty, full of emotional outpouring, but I'm too tired for that. And I'm with my family. I can save the angst for when I'm by myself.

But a promise I make to myself. I will die eventually. I want to die, knowing I lived with an attitude of willing to take leaps of faith. A life that's responsible yet not bound by the world. A life full of dependence on God. A life... that isn't a waste haha.