Another Update

I will not be going to the Philippines because apparently it is on some warning list for the US Government, and my parents don't want me to go there. So it's official... haha I'm jobless with no leads or anything. Maybe it's a skill I have... to be jobless haha.

The funny thing is that my mom and I had an argument a couple days ago about jobs, and how she felt I wasn't taking it seriously when I said I wasn't sure if I would take Philippines after CL. And I still cried... haha. 22 years old, and I still cry when my mom and I argue... she cried too, but still... I guess some things never change... (hopefully that will).

But she asked me what I want to do with my life. In 5 years where do I want to be? To be honest... I used to know. Married. About to enter seminary. Money saved, money given back to my fam. I guess standard. Now... I have no idea. Haha. Seminary is still in the picture. But when? I'm not sure. Eventually long term missions, but when? 10 years 2 years? Not sure... And people say pray, but to be honest... I struggle cause I don't hear strong voices that say go. I feel urges, and I hear messages from pastors or read things, and all I can say is the desire is there and everything seems to push me towards it, so that's why I made the commitment. No big nirvana or anything.

But ya... all of this. Jobless. Going home? not sure. Don't want to. But what else can I do? Freaking obnoxiously depressing man. But the thing that touched me and frustrated me at the same time was how my mom shared with me how wants me to not graduate sad cause I couldn't get anything, but confident cause I made it through college, and was able to find a job, and work and be independent. But she felt like she failed me in some way cause it wasn't working out for me, and that broke me man. But for the first time, my mom even brought God and was like God has blessed us so much and encouraged me to turn to Him... and honestly guys... as I'm writing this. I'm more thankful for that than I would be if I had a job right now. Part of my heart says ya right, but to hear my mom say those things was... sorta mind-blowing.

Man... so all my plans have hit a bar, and who knows what will happen. All I really know is, I need to apply en mass. And I'm suposed to go home next weekend to talk to my parents about what I want in my life, and I guess I'll just share what I know for now. Seminary and missions eventually. Hopefully goes well...

But ya, last night was 4th year banquet. Crazy crazy. I didn't cry though, I expected to ball. I choked up once when I was about to share, but I didn't share anything heartwarming instead I told the guys to step up in our fellowship, in true blunt, Marklike fashion... haha so I guess that killed my tears. But the videos were cute... but super long... but still super cute. No one cooked this year, which was sad though.

Ya this post has a lot of random things in it right? haha... my life is sorta in this weird whirlpool that's standing still yet surging forward and overpowering me at the same time. Dunno if that makes sense, but deal with it. The weird thing is that graduation will pass, and life will go on just like before. I have this impending sense of doom, but in reality... life will continue until I die.

But I think one of my fears that my mom had... sorta came true in some sense. I've become afraid to dream and hope for things that I can't control at all. Not only that... I can't help but wish... life was different. But what's done is done. I actually really miss doing this... weird. (This as in just typing things out)

Why Am I Still Up?

That is the question that I ponder/you might be pondering. It's 4:01 am here.

Why... because I'm taking the time to think, like really think, which I haven't done for a while. Sounds weird right?

This past Sunday, frisbee ended officially. We lost IM's, and as things wind down, I'm faced with the reality. Less than a month, and I will be separated from everyone. On top of that, due to everyone rejecting me (I guess, I should have applied to more, not that I didn't apply to a lot. I applied to a lot.), I have talked to CL, and I will be going to the Philippines for the next two years. Crazy right?

I mean I guess I'll apply to some more places until this gets finalized, but it's freaking crazy right? There's... things I want to do here, but basically it's my life in America is put on hold, or I try to address things, probably before I'm ready to... who knows, but God?

I've been wasting a lot of time lately. Blaming it on laziness, but the reality is, I don't want to face reality. I don't want to accept that my life is ending here. I don't want to accept that... I'm going to be incredibly lonely, and in all honesty, will probably spend nights crying myself to sleep. Haha, sounds pathetic, but I'm going to be really lonely, and everyone here stateside has their own life to think about, and we'll be on completely different time schedules. I think I'm also just frustrated because I'm relying on someone else to provide as opposed to really earning through myself...

I once thought I had things figured out. And they slowly fell apart, and then I thought I learned. But I'm one hardheaded donkey... haha. Still learning a lot.

But finally... time to come to grips with reality I guess. No point in running.

On the bright side, despite my fears, and just deep sadness, I had some cool things happen.

Last Friday, I saw Phil Wickham live for FREE!!!! And he's much much better live than on recording  I was shocked at how God blessed him. Basically he led it like worship... of course his vocals were amazing though.

I also saw Ben Rector last night, and that was also incredible. He was so much better live that I couldn't listen to his songs on my ipod after... it just didn't compare.

I even broke the no clothes shopping rule to buy band shirts from both, but I'm justifying it by saying it's for memories sake. In terms of buying other stuff, besides food and the random oddity (which I really can't think of besides frisbees), I've been good about not buying. Crazy right? This money hungry materialistic idiot, is finally learning more and more haha.

I think there's going to be a return to blogging over the next couple weeks haha. As I really start to think again, I need an outlet. Granted I still have my more private place of writing.

Hello reality... I'm back. You're as depressing as always, but praise be to God, my only sustain-er.

Small Update

I was rejected by Teach For America this past Thursday. So... hopefully Philippines works out, otherwise screwed. That is all. Peace.

Overall, I am doing okay though lol.

Return... mebbe

It's been a while since I posted... for better or worse I'm not sure yet. I don't have anything profound or deep to share.

I have things on my mind of course... but ya, maybe one day I'll share but probably not.

I have however... rediscovered my love for frisbee, and also remembered the danger of getting hotheaded.

I'm ashamed of my stupidity in getting frustrated with people for messing up. Normally I keep it in, but today it just slipped out on my roommate ZG. And I felt so bad, and I know he knows that I didn't mean anything behind it, but I totally screwed up. But... I'm going to do my best to talk to him more and also apologize. It was the first time he came out in a while and I was really glad he did. I'm just a dbag and need to mature a lot.

I dunno... even though I say winning doesn't matter, losing every game is frustrating. And today we lost to Barrel Roll, a team GCF beat last year, so I didn't want to lose again. But everyone played so well, which was really encouraging. And I had the best throw ever.... like literally the prettiest and most perfect hammer, I've ever thrown. Glory to God though... like for real, even now I feel my knees aching, and I'm just like dang... I am but human haha. and God is in charge.

Feels sad though... depending on where I go, and what I do... this might be the last frisbee forever, or at least for a long time. And I don't mean throwing around, but I mean actually playing ultimate... I'm getting old. This thursday I hear back from TFA so I'll probably have something posted at least by then haha... my future is about to get decided and it's weird. cause if I don't get it... I'm pretty sure it's the philippines for me, which means two years of epic separation from everyone by a huge body of water and country... it means I have to give up a lot of thoughts and things in my mind, it means... literally a new beginning. and there's so many good things, like i plan on getting invovled with missionaries if i can, and find a good church. meet new people, learn about a new culture, hopefully make new friends (fingers crossed), see CL when he visits for work hahaha. but ya........................................ future is in God's hands.

TFA

Been a while since I posted. And this one is purely selfish. I have a final round interview tomorrow for Teach For America, and honestly... I'm not prepared as much as I should be. In fact... I'm not really ready at all. But I ask for your prayers. Literally... the only option that I have right now besides just going to the Philippines. Not that I mind going there... but ya we'll just see what happens. That's all. Thanks. Hope you all are doing well!

So I'm going through a Christian rap phase.
http://www.rapzilla.com/rz/music/freemp3s/5998

Found this song today, and I like it.

Don't feel any urgency to get on google talk even though I can finally get on. Weird. Also... ya I... nvm. I hope that you whoever you are doing well, and that you are seeking after God. Lol.