Another Update

I will not be going to the Philippines because apparently it is on some warning list for the US Government, and my parents don't want me to go there. So it's official... haha I'm jobless with no leads or anything. Maybe it's a skill I have... to be jobless haha.

The funny thing is that my mom and I had an argument a couple days ago about jobs, and how she felt I wasn't taking it seriously when I said I wasn't sure if I would take Philippines after CL. And I still cried... haha. 22 years old, and I still cry when my mom and I argue... she cried too, but still... I guess some things never change... (hopefully that will).

But she asked me what I want to do with my life. In 5 years where do I want to be? To be honest... I used to know. Married. About to enter seminary. Money saved, money given back to my fam. I guess standard. Now... I have no idea. Haha. Seminary is still in the picture. But when? I'm not sure. Eventually long term missions, but when? 10 years 2 years? Not sure... And people say pray, but to be honest... I struggle cause I don't hear strong voices that say go. I feel urges, and I hear messages from pastors or read things, and all I can say is the desire is there and everything seems to push me towards it, so that's why I made the commitment. No big nirvana or anything.

But ya... all of this. Jobless. Going home? not sure. Don't want to. But what else can I do? Freaking obnoxiously depressing man. But the thing that touched me and frustrated me at the same time was how my mom shared with me how wants me to not graduate sad cause I couldn't get anything, but confident cause I made it through college, and was able to find a job, and work and be independent. But she felt like she failed me in some way cause it wasn't working out for me, and that broke me man. But for the first time, my mom even brought God and was like God has blessed us so much and encouraged me to turn to Him... and honestly guys... as I'm writing this. I'm more thankful for that than I would be if I had a job right now. Part of my heart says ya right, but to hear my mom say those things was... sorta mind-blowing.

Man... so all my plans have hit a bar, and who knows what will happen. All I really know is, I need to apply en mass. And I'm suposed to go home next weekend to talk to my parents about what I want in my life, and I guess I'll just share what I know for now. Seminary and missions eventually. Hopefully goes well...

But ya, last night was 4th year banquet. Crazy crazy. I didn't cry though, I expected to ball. I choked up once when I was about to share, but I didn't share anything heartwarming instead I told the guys to step up in our fellowship, in true blunt, Marklike fashion... haha so I guess that killed my tears. But the videos were cute... but super long... but still super cute. No one cooked this year, which was sad though.

Ya this post has a lot of random things in it right? haha... my life is sorta in this weird whirlpool that's standing still yet surging forward and overpowering me at the same time. Dunno if that makes sense, but deal with it. The weird thing is that graduation will pass, and life will go on just like before. I have this impending sense of doom, but in reality... life will continue until I die.

But I think one of my fears that my mom had... sorta came true in some sense. I've become afraid to dream and hope for things that I can't control at all. Not only that... I can't help but wish... life was different. But what's done is done. I actually really miss doing this... weird. (This as in just typing things out)