I like being around such hustle and bustle.
I hate the air pollution there. Disgusting. Bad to the point where my nose was all clogged. Call me sensitive, but I feel like my lungs took a hit there. If only it had better air... I'd be willing to live in New York City for a bit cause it's so fascinating. Also got to use my step-dad's 24-70mm L lens... wahhh. Not as cool as I thought to be honest. But having a wide angle option is so nice as opposed to only my 50mm.
But it was fun in NYC. ZG and MC reunion, just missing IK. One day we'll have a whole one. But it made me realize, I miss those times. I also met up with SC and PS in NOVA for a little bit, and it was nostalgic. There is a dude named NP or HP, dumb guy haha. Made plans with me and bailed. Forgiven, but sigh true NP fashion. I digress though, I miss that community. And it's over.
Also spent time with my family this Thanksgiving. I... love my family. I hate myself. I think the world is messed up. And yet my family is like a mini sanctuary. I just feel somewhat awkward at first but in the end so at peace. They smile at me, they hug me, they talk to me. Don't other people do that? Well to some extent yes, but not like a family. Do blood ties really matter? Nah. Case in point my "father" or my cousin who's adopted. And yet it's so powerful.
I also saw a beautiful sunset today. It looked like a layer painting slightly aflame or something.
But I heard something somewhat profound yesterday from a friend. Something along the lines of all depression begin with a lie told to oneself. BAM! Alright sounds very mean, but it makes sense if you think about it.
What is the root of my depressive thoughts? It begins with a lie. A lie of my self-worth. A lie that to be honest I struggle with. One of my friends told me you're not a net negative. Haha. But I really think I am. Okay a couple people say thank you or this time what you said was good. Nice! Not sarcastically, but praise be to God. Now let me die before I muck up everything else. This ugly yet beautiful world (an anime title). And yet I add to the ugliness more often than not. It's weird though, I'm forcing myself to write this now, and yet all my thoughts elude me. So eloquent before, I'm sure as soon as I stop writing this and just think it will flow again, but at that point I'll be too lazy to write. Lolz. Maybe the secret is to care less. Be less hard on yourself. Trust in God more. Love. Buttt... more often that not, it's love, but remember you mess things up so don't let attachments build up. Trust in God, but remember your ability to sin is incredible. Hope, but don't be unrealistic with your hope. Dream, but don't go too far cause you're going to get hurt. And yet with all this effed up thought process I still want to serve. I still want to meet people and get to know them. And what, keep myself aloof? I hate people that do that. But then am I able to open up and get beaten down over and over again? Who knows, maybe by doing it to myself so much, I'll learn from it and in the future it's like ha world. I already have experienced this and I know God's got my back.
On another note feels like a Sunday, but yay for another day off cause it's Saturday. And I'm supposed to take engagement photos tomorrow but having issues getting in touch so who knows.
EDIT
By no means is my root description above comprehensive or anything. I'm sure I could explain it better if I wanted to. But I don't feel like it. Sorry. And I'm so domesticated! I sewed a hole in my pajamas today. Woot.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Kindness
Randomly... I receive kindness that is unwarranted. And by randomly, I really mean all the time, but I only recognize it randomly.
Servants was good this past weekend. Somewhat lonely. By somewhat, very. My peers were not there. No older brothers were there. Just younger people. And a lot of the 3rd and 4th years didn't go. But I think that was good. Prayer time was largely spent in reflection. Talking short walks in the freezing cold and more reflection.
I liked both speakers, and I've heard both before. The somewhat nerdy older Pastor Steve. And the more urban Pastor B.
Perhaps though the thing that stuck out a lot was part of Pastor B's sermon. Often times we tell ourselves, know me a little and you'll like me. Know me a lot and you'll hate me. (Honestly a small part of the sermon, but it hits hard.)
This is flawed. Of course. Yet... it's how I lived for as long as I can remember, and even though I tell myself it's wrong, it's different when you hear a man proclaiming from a pulpit that other people feel that way and how foolish it is. That "know me a little" is somewhat vague cause something I can be blatantly open about that others shy away from so people interpret that as being really open, but for me that's only knowing me a little. Because... if you know me a lot, you'll hate me. You'll stop wanting to be friends with me. You'll stop talking to me. Why? Cause you see me for all my faults and flaws. And most people don't want to deal with that. They meet you, and they build a notion of you. And some people are better at letting you deviate from that. But over time, they see more faults. They see more issues. And it's over. It's done. Is it better to cut one's losses early or later after all the pain you go through or make them go through?
Once you deviate, once you fall, you hear those words. This isn't really you. This isn't the person I knew. This shouldn't have happened to you. All these false, ridiculous, stupid, pretentious things people say to wrap their minds around how you have deviated from who they think you are. But in the end you're still you. But to them, you changed.
But who cares what they think? Right who cares? Me. I do. Mentally, I record it all. And some over time get buried deep under other things, but they are still there. For what purpose? Why to remind myself later on why... you're dangerous. Why you don't belong around people. Why everyone only needs to know you a little. And peace is kept. People are happy because you fulfill what they want to see.
Of course the one person that destroys all of this, Jesus. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Absolutely beautiful. Kindness exemplified. Love personified. Truth proclaimed. And the depths of our sin, revealed. For what? His glory. And as selfish as that may sound to people, it's beautiful. Cause a holy one pursuing after bringing glory to Himself means He will not cater to our foolishness, but work to make Himself known all the more.
Like I said a small part of that sermon, but memorable. We do not offer perfect repentance. But Jesus is the one that makes repentance possible. Praise be to God.
And am I guilty of being on both sides of what I said above? Yes. Yes I am.
Memorable song from Servants.
Wide as the Sky- Matt Redman
And random, but my new favorite word, bittersweet.
Servants was good this past weekend. Somewhat lonely. By somewhat, very. My peers were not there. No older brothers were there. Just younger people. And a lot of the 3rd and 4th years didn't go. But I think that was good. Prayer time was largely spent in reflection. Talking short walks in the freezing cold and more reflection.
I liked both speakers, and I've heard both before. The somewhat nerdy older Pastor Steve. And the more urban Pastor B.
Perhaps though the thing that stuck out a lot was part of Pastor B's sermon. Often times we tell ourselves, know me a little and you'll like me. Know me a lot and you'll hate me. (Honestly a small part of the sermon, but it hits hard.)
This is flawed. Of course. Yet... it's how I lived for as long as I can remember, and even though I tell myself it's wrong, it's different when you hear a man proclaiming from a pulpit that other people feel that way and how foolish it is. That "know me a little" is somewhat vague cause something I can be blatantly open about that others shy away from so people interpret that as being really open, but for me that's only knowing me a little. Because... if you know me a lot, you'll hate me. You'll stop wanting to be friends with me. You'll stop talking to me. Why? Cause you see me for all my faults and flaws. And most people don't want to deal with that. They meet you, and they build a notion of you. And some people are better at letting you deviate from that. But over time, they see more faults. They see more issues. And it's over. It's done. Is it better to cut one's losses early or later after all the pain you go through or make them go through?
Once you deviate, once you fall, you hear those words. This isn't really you. This isn't the person I knew. This shouldn't have happened to you. All these false, ridiculous, stupid, pretentious things people say to wrap their minds around how you have deviated from who they think you are. But in the end you're still you. But to them, you changed.
But who cares what they think? Right who cares? Me. I do. Mentally, I record it all. And some over time get buried deep under other things, but they are still there. For what purpose? Why to remind myself later on why... you're dangerous. Why you don't belong around people. Why everyone only needs to know you a little. And peace is kept. People are happy because you fulfill what they want to see.
Of course the one person that destroys all of this, Jesus. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Absolutely beautiful. Kindness exemplified. Love personified. Truth proclaimed. And the depths of our sin, revealed. For what? His glory. And as selfish as that may sound to people, it's beautiful. Cause a holy one pursuing after bringing glory to Himself means He will not cater to our foolishness, but work to make Himself known all the more.
Like I said a small part of that sermon, but memorable. We do not offer perfect repentance. But Jesus is the one that makes repentance possible. Praise be to God.
And am I guilty of being on both sides of what I said above? Yes. Yes I am.
Memorable song from Servants.
Wide as the Sky- Matt Redman
And random, but my new favorite word, bittersweet.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Cars
Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.
Stephen R Covey
Guilty of doing this. All the time? No. But guilty? Yes.
http://foodgawker.com/?s=cast+iron
Beauty. I have a cast iron grill skillet that I've been using more. And now I want a regular skillet for these kind of recipes.
A couple months ago I spent a couple hundred on my car. Today I'm spending almost 900. Aka over a grand in the past couple months. Aka I could have bought a beautiful lens for my film camera, my first leica lens in all it's engineering beauty. Or I could have used that money towards a laptop that I will have to buy within a year because mine is slowly dying. And yes... I want an apple. Or it could be used towards a phone that I will probably get next year as well. Aka the money that I saved up as a buffer has served it's purpose. As a buffer. Rather than be used for my dream of travel, it has/will be used so that I can work. So that I can get around and live. Sigh.
Cars. I hate you. Yet I need you. Makes me want a motorcycle. Cheaper than a car. More fuel efficient than a car. Higher insurance and inclement weather prevent me from committing to it. But makes it more tempting going through this.
But ultimately what does this all mean? It means more frugal living. Babysitting my cousin for my aunt whenever I can cause she still likes to spoil me and will pay me haha (which I haven't done in case you are giving me that weird look, but I'll be driving up to nova twice in December to help her out). Selling a couple things that I have that are worth money. Aka headphones, and some of my film camera stuff. Let me know if you're interested! I currently have 3 film cameras. 2 of them I plan on selling along with their lens in the near future. I will be keeping 1 of them. Why? Don't need film slr's/can't justify the price especially when I have a dslr. However keeping a film rangefinder is more than acceptable in my book haha.
Ahhh money.
Money can be so annoying. I want to save a certain amount. And yet bills add up my friends. My parents gave me a grace period of not paying for phone or car insurance cause we are sharing. But now that is over. Thankfully, car insurance is a lump sum for 6 months, which is annoying cause it's a lot. But nice cause it's something I only have to worry ever so often. But phone bill... Plus, I'm still covered by my family's health insurance still. Until I'm 24 or something, and then I have to take care of it. Oh these bills.
So then, how do people in full-time ministry survive? It's crazy if you really think about it. If you're not working or in that position, you won't appreciate it. No offense, you've just never had to deal with it. And part-time jobs give you a solid glimpse of it, but certainly not the same as paying for everything... There's being frugal, and then dealing with the reality of money. Unless you were in charge of your families expenses and bills, then I take all of that back. Granted knowing that my roommates will be reimbursing for money every month is somewhat unsettling cause I'm overpaying by quite a bit.
Yes I combined two posts into one in case you think there's a lack of coherence. No, I don't feel like rewriting them both to flow better. But yes, my car repairs are today 11/7/2013.
EDIT
There are kind people in this world. The guy in charge of my car managed to get my bill down to 840 compared to the roughly 900 it was at. Thank God.
Stephen R Covey
Guilty of doing this. All the time? No. But guilty? Yes.
http://foodgawker.com/?s=cast+iron
Beauty. I have a cast iron grill skillet that I've been using more. And now I want a regular skillet for these kind of recipes.
A couple months ago I spent a couple hundred on my car. Today I'm spending almost 900. Aka over a grand in the past couple months. Aka I could have bought a beautiful lens for my film camera, my first leica lens in all it's engineering beauty. Or I could have used that money towards a laptop that I will have to buy within a year because mine is slowly dying. And yes... I want an apple. Or it could be used towards a phone that I will probably get next year as well. Aka the money that I saved up as a buffer has served it's purpose. As a buffer. Rather than be used for my dream of travel, it has/will be used so that I can work. So that I can get around and live. Sigh.
Cars. I hate you. Yet I need you. Makes me want a motorcycle. Cheaper than a car. More fuel efficient than a car. Higher insurance and inclement weather prevent me from committing to it. But makes it more tempting going through this.
But ultimately what does this all mean? It means more frugal living. Babysitting my cousin for my aunt whenever I can cause she still likes to spoil me and will pay me haha (which I haven't done in case you are giving me that weird look, but I'll be driving up to nova twice in December to help her out). Selling a couple things that I have that are worth money. Aka headphones, and some of my film camera stuff. Let me know if you're interested! I currently have 3 film cameras. 2 of them I plan on selling along with their lens in the near future. I will be keeping 1 of them. Why? Don't need film slr's/can't justify the price especially when I have a dslr. However keeping a film rangefinder is more than acceptable in my book haha.
Ahhh money.
Money can be so annoying. I want to save a certain amount. And yet bills add up my friends. My parents gave me a grace period of not paying for phone or car insurance cause we are sharing. But now that is over. Thankfully, car insurance is a lump sum for 6 months, which is annoying cause it's a lot. But nice cause it's something I only have to worry ever so often. But phone bill... Plus, I'm still covered by my family's health insurance still. Until I'm 24 or something, and then I have to take care of it. Oh these bills.
So then, how do people in full-time ministry survive? It's crazy if you really think about it. If you're not working or in that position, you won't appreciate it. No offense, you've just never had to deal with it. And part-time jobs give you a solid glimpse of it, but certainly not the same as paying for everything... There's being frugal, and then dealing with the reality of money. Unless you were in charge of your families expenses and bills, then I take all of that back. Granted knowing that my roommates will be reimbursing for money every month is somewhat unsettling cause I'm overpaying by quite a bit.
Yes I combined two posts into one in case you think there's a lack of coherence. No, I don't feel like rewriting them both to flow better. But yes, my car repairs are today 11/7/2013.
EDIT
There are kind people in this world. The guy in charge of my car managed to get my bill down to 840 compared to the roughly 900 it was at. Thank God.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Soccer
Don't be alone with your thoughts. Be with God there.
IK
A good quote haha. My friend told me a couple days ago to write a happy blog. Are there good things going on? Of course. Lots of little blessings. I just couldn't. So this is my apology.
I just hope I'm growing.
Today is another reminder that I need to chill on sports. There was a guy that wouldn't stop talking smack. Made a racial comment. Kept fouling my friends and teammates during the game. And... he wasn't that good. My highlight of the game? Well for me personally, it was stopping him from shooting and knocking him down. Perfectly clean, mind you. He kicked the ball and I blocked, and then fell over due to loss of balance. I did not even make contact with him for him to complain it was a foul. I shouldn't even really be playing soccer with undergrads... I graduated. What am I doing? Ugh. But... on the bright side I'm getting to know a lot of first year guys. I should just coach or something... maybe next game I'll stay out a lot unless they need me.
But why was I satisfied with him down? Cause I'm petty. I'm prideful. And I hate stuck-up people like that. But ultimately cause I couldn't control my anger. But who am I to judge that guy's actions? I can't. And it took a little bit, but I felt remorse for my foolishness. So unreasonable. So wrong. So dumb. So sinful.
So sinful...
On a brighter note, I developed a bunch of rolls of film and was satisfied with several pics. And I got my cast iron back and cooked with it. Love. I've decided to re-knew a desire for cooking and actually improve. I've also rekindled a desire for photography that started to abate. I guess that's a happy bit. Cooking, and photos. And reading. Reading is good too.
Another good note, I think I might have decided on a church. Most likely Trinity. Why? Why not the CC or CCC or City? I don't have a good reason. I don't have a personal reason. One thing that stands out about Trinity though is I went there for my Japanese class. Say what? Went to a church for a class whose country is arguably one of the most secular currently? Ya. To talk to Japanese wives who's husbands are in town lol, aka to practice. But that means there are at least some Japanese people there. Big bonus for me. And old school. who doesn't like old school in the sea of striving to be modern (or adapting, whatever you want to call it. I'm not against it completely mind you. I just appreciate oldness a little more now because of it.).
And, I did get better at soccer compared to before :)
God, teach me. God, keep me humble. God, help me act as you would have me act.
IK
A good quote haha. My friend told me a couple days ago to write a happy blog. Are there good things going on? Of course. Lots of little blessings. I just couldn't. So this is my apology.
I just hope I'm growing.
Today is another reminder that I need to chill on sports. There was a guy that wouldn't stop talking smack. Made a racial comment. Kept fouling my friends and teammates during the game. And... he wasn't that good. My highlight of the game? Well for me personally, it was stopping him from shooting and knocking him down. Perfectly clean, mind you. He kicked the ball and I blocked, and then fell over due to loss of balance. I did not even make contact with him for him to complain it was a foul. I shouldn't even really be playing soccer with undergrads... I graduated. What am I doing? Ugh. But... on the bright side I'm getting to know a lot of first year guys. I should just coach or something... maybe next game I'll stay out a lot unless they need me.
But why was I satisfied with him down? Cause I'm petty. I'm prideful. And I hate stuck-up people like that. But ultimately cause I couldn't control my anger. But who am I to judge that guy's actions? I can't. And it took a little bit, but I felt remorse for my foolishness. So unreasonable. So wrong. So dumb. So sinful.
So sinful...
On a brighter note, I developed a bunch of rolls of film and was satisfied with several pics. And I got my cast iron back and cooked with it. Love. I've decided to re-knew a desire for cooking and actually improve. I've also rekindled a desire for photography that started to abate. I guess that's a happy bit. Cooking, and photos. And reading. Reading is good too.
Another good note, I think I might have decided on a church. Most likely Trinity. Why? Why not the CC or CCC or City? I don't have a good reason. I don't have a personal reason. One thing that stands out about Trinity though is I went there for my Japanese class. Say what? Went to a church for a class whose country is arguably one of the most secular currently? Ya. To talk to Japanese wives who's husbands are in town lol, aka to practice. But that means there are at least some Japanese people there. Big bonus for me. And old school. who doesn't like old school in the sea of striving to be modern (or adapting, whatever you want to call it. I'm not against it completely mind you. I just appreciate oldness a little more now because of it.).
And, I did get better at soccer compared to before :)
God, teach me. God, keep me humble. God, help me act as you would have me act.
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