Kindness

Randomly... I receive kindness that is unwarranted. And by randomly, I really mean all the time, but I only recognize it randomly.

Servants was good this past weekend. Somewhat lonely. By somewhat, very. My peers were not there. No older brothers were there. Just younger people. And a lot of the 3rd and 4th years didn't go. But I think that was good. Prayer time was largely spent in reflection. Talking short walks in the freezing cold and more reflection.

I liked both speakers, and I've heard both before. The somewhat nerdy older Pastor Steve. And the more urban Pastor B.

Perhaps though the thing that stuck out a lot was part of Pastor B's sermon. Often times we tell ourselves, know me a little and you'll like me. Know me a lot and you'll hate me. (Honestly a small part of the sermon, but it hits hard.)

This is flawed. Of course. Yet... it's how I lived for as long as I can remember, and even though I tell myself it's wrong, it's different when you hear a man proclaiming from a pulpit that other people feel that way and how foolish it is. That "know me a little" is somewhat vague cause something I can be blatantly open about that others shy away from so people interpret that as being really open, but for me that's only knowing me a little. Because... if you know me a lot, you'll hate me. You'll stop wanting to be friends with me. You'll stop talking to me. Why? Cause you see me for all my faults and flaws. And most people don't want to deal with that. They meet you, and they build a notion of you. And some people are better at letting you deviate from that. But over time, they see more faults. They see more issues. And it's over. It's done. Is it better to cut one's losses early or later after all the pain you go through or make them go through?

Once you deviate, once you fall, you hear those words. This isn't really you. This isn't the person I knew. This shouldn't have happened to you. All these false, ridiculous, stupid, pretentious things people say to wrap their minds around how you have deviated from who they think you are. But in the end you're still you. But to them,  you changed.

But who cares what they think? Right who cares? Me. I do. Mentally, I record it all. And some over time get buried deep under other things, but they are still there. For what purpose? Why to remind myself later on why... you're dangerous. Why you don't belong around people. Why everyone only needs to know you a little. And peace is kept. People are happy because you fulfill what they want to see.

Of course the one person that destroys all of this, Jesus. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Absolutely beautiful. Kindness exemplified. Love personified. Truth proclaimed. And the depths of our sin, revealed. For what? His glory. And as selfish as that may sound to people, it's beautiful. Cause a holy one pursuing after bringing glory to Himself means He will not cater to our foolishness, but work to make Himself known all the more.

Like I said a small part of that sermon, but memorable. We do not offer perfect repentance. But Jesus is the one that makes repentance possible. Praise be to God.

And am I guilty of being on both sides of what I said above? Yes. Yes I am.

Memorable song from Servants.
Wide as the Sky- Matt Redman

And random, but my new favorite word, bittersweet.