The City

I like being around such hustle and bustle.

I hate the air pollution there. Disgusting. Bad to the point where my nose was all clogged. Call me sensitive, but I feel like my lungs took a hit there. If only it had better air... I'd be willing to live in New York City for a bit cause it's so fascinating. Also got to use my step-dad's 24-70mm L lens... wahhh. Not as cool as I thought to be honest. But having a wide angle option is so nice as opposed to only my 50mm.

But it was fun in NYC. ZG and MC reunion, just missing IK. One day we'll have a whole one. But it made me realize, I miss those times. I also met up with SC and PS in NOVA for a little bit, and it was nostalgic. There is a dude named NP or HP, dumb guy haha. Made plans with me and bailed. Forgiven, but sigh true NP fashion. I digress though, I miss that community. And it's over.

Also spent time with my family this Thanksgiving. I... love my family. I hate myself. I think the world is messed up. And yet my family is like a mini sanctuary. I just feel somewhat awkward at first but in the end so at peace. They smile at me, they hug me, they talk to me. Don't other people do that? Well to some extent yes, but not like a family. Do blood ties really matter? Nah. Case in point my "father" or my cousin who's adopted. And yet it's so powerful.

I also saw a beautiful sunset today. It looked like a layer painting slightly aflame or something.

But I heard something somewhat profound yesterday from a friend. Something along the lines of all depression begin with a lie told to oneself. BAM! Alright sounds very mean, but it makes sense if you think about it.

What is the root of my depressive thoughts? It begins with a lie. A lie of my self-worth. A lie that to be honest I struggle with. One of my friends told me you're not a net negative. Haha. But I really think I am. Okay a couple people say thank you or this time what you said was good. Nice! Not sarcastically, but praise be to God. Now let me die before I muck up everything else. This ugly yet beautiful world (an anime title). And yet I add to the ugliness more often than not. It's weird though, I'm forcing myself to write this now, and yet all my thoughts elude me. So eloquent before, I'm sure as soon as I stop writing this and just think it will flow again, but at that point I'll be too lazy to write. Lolz. Maybe the secret is to care less. Be less hard on yourself. Trust in God more. Love. Buttt... more often that not, it's love, but remember you mess things up so don't let attachments build up. Trust in God, but remember your ability to sin is incredible. Hope, but don't be unrealistic with your hope. Dream, but don't go too far cause you're going to get hurt. And yet with all this effed up thought process I still want to serve. I still want to meet people and get to know them. And what, keep myself aloof? I hate people that do that. But then am I able to open up and get beaten down over and over again? Who knows, maybe by doing it to myself so much, I'll learn from it and in the future it's like ha world. I already have experienced this and I know God's got my back.

On another note feels like a Sunday, but yay for another day off cause it's Saturday. And I'm supposed to take engagement photos tomorrow but having issues getting in touch so who knows.

EDIT
By no means is my root description above comprehensive or anything. I'm sure I could explain it better if I wanted to. But I don't feel like it. Sorry. And I'm so domesticated! I sewed a hole in my pajamas today. Woot.