Snow

I had another emo post that I wrote out. But... just didn't want to post it. Not today.

One thing I hope never changes in me, my love of snow. I love it. If I'm in a bad mood, I can get stand in the snow, and I'm content. I lay in it, and I stare at the sky. My thoughts cease, and I'm at peace. Peace?

Peace? Why at peace? Cause it's freaking beautiful. I love it. The world gets silent as people tend to go indoors. Cars stop driving. And I can just hear silence. If you don't know what I mean by that sentence, you don't appreciate silence. Not a bad thing, but try to one day.

I love it man. If I had a real fireplace, I would curl up near it and watch the snow fall. With my family and a dog. Haha. A dog that would lounge near me, as I petted it. But the dog probably won't happen. Hopefully the family will.

Queue another digression into emo whining. Haha. So dumb. It's beautiful, and I will appreciate it. None of this stupid crap.

Funny thing: I think God can be pretty funny. I had a dream last night, that just cut me to the core. And half awake, I just cried out to God. That half awake delirium. And I as I drifted back to sleep, I had a much funnier dream. I was eating with people, and JC (younger) wanted to pray for me. And he did that whole rock his body as he prays, which I do as well. But since I was eating, it's like I had utensils hanging from my mouth as we moved haha. In my mind it's funny, and in the dream it was hilarious.

Also had a good time listening to old school Tim Be Told. Oh man that was my college jam. Funny thing is his questions about God in those songs that used to hit me so hard, aren't that present anymore. I'm fully confident God is real and there. But all the emotional stuff of his old songs, it most definitely still resonates haha.

More good things to share/reflections to come in future posts, as I had originally planned.

PRAYER REQUEST:
I will be seeing my bioligical father this Sunday (weather permitting). It's been 4.5-5 years since I last saw. Maybe 4 since I even talked to him via phone? Pray for the right attitude. To be full of grace and love. But really, just pray that he knows Jesus. If our relationship never develops, I can live with it to be honest. I'd be sad of course, but if he never knew Jesus, I guess that concerns me more. Cause I mean in reality, Jesus will bring about greater changes in him and myself than I ever could hope

Somethings never change

Shameless plug, https://markling.exposure.so/montebellas.

Call me... the friendship killer. Cause that's all I am. An asshole. Sigh.

God... surprises me.

What To Do When Faith Dies
Genius

So... I think I'm the kind of person that has to express his emotions to find any form of peace (of course prayer with God). Not that this singular sentence explains my recent post, but it helps to paint the idea. Not that I'm completely over it yet haha.

So I have some pinched nerves in my spine/neck area. I can't fully relax my head backward, and I think overtime it got better. Until I had another concussion snowboarding this past Saturday. Forgot a few seconds of time prior to it and bit my tongue pretty hard. Most of my muscle soreness from falling is gone, minus a couple bruises, but I think it jacked my pinched nerves so it's worse than I remember. Nothing major compared to scoliosis or something, but if you wouldn't mind praying, that'd be nice.

But why does God surprise me? Besides the fact that He always does. He surprised me by dashing some plans, well more like a plan, that was in the works with a resounding kaboom.

And then He blessed me... with a gift that still leaves me confuzzled. Yes, confuzzled. My step-dad had a recruitment thing at UVA for the company he works for (developers need an internship? let me know, and if you aren't terrible, you can hopefully have a shot, at least increase your chances of an interview), and we ate dinner together. Just catching up, I can finally relate to him about work things, so it's nice. It was somewhat awkward, and I could tell he felt awkward because we don't do this one on one talk often/ever. Yet... it was nice.

Fast forward, my mom calls me. Apparently my step-dad sorta bugged her to let me know, but we have some money saved over from my education fund/transforming into my brother's fund. And my parents wanted to let me know, they would help me some with seminary. And I paused you know. Sorta dumbfounded. I fully expected to have to pay it on my own/fundraising/grants or whatever. I expected my parents you know to maybe send me some food haha. Or maybe some pocket change every once in a while.

So to hear that... I was touched. And my mom even said, don't feel restricted by money in going to where you feel like you should. Even if you save up the money, you might find another way to use your money or just decide to change your mind. Her main point was do what you think you should.

Guys... I don't think you can appreciate how much my parents accepting my desire to go to seminary and missions/even being willing to help fund touches me. Granted it's the reversal of the Asian son support the parents, which hurts in many ways. But regardless of if I take any money or not, I'm touched. Wow.

Loving lots of hymns due to Trinity, but here's a praise song that I recently heard that's beauitful. Yes, I'm behind. I don't hear modern Christian worship music besides the radio (which isn't really worship style music), so if you know new songs, send them to me please.
Mercy - Matt Redman

Disclaimer

Previous post is somewhat full emotional turmoil (albeit slightly restrained). Ultimately, everything is fine and everything will be fine. Tis life.

Too many things are interrelated in my mind that should be separate. Or at least would thinks easier.

Quick post

FUCK.

That's how I feel. Honestly, I think I've been rather guarded in my postings lately. Not expressing everything on my heart or mind. But here it is. A resounding angry FUCK.

What is behind all this? None of your business, unless you already know then I guess it is your business. But if you don't know... it's not.

Regardless, what does it mean? It means I'm weak. I'm so incredibly weak. I'm so incredibly immature. I'm so incredibly stupid. I'm so incredibly foolish.

I'm not wise. I'm not smart. I'm not strong. I'm not someone worth looking up to. I don't make things better. I make things worse, so that people can see it and recognize how dangerous everything is. I'm ridiculous. I'm a joke. I've done more harm than good in this world, and by all standards I should have been killed already.

I wish I was a dog. There's no freaking afterlife for them. Why? They don't have souls. So as crappy as their life might be right now or as great as it might be, once they die it's over. Not only that, their life span is shorter than ours. Living past 100? Who wants to do that? Not me. Screw that, let me just die now before I go screw some things some more. And take away heaven and hell for me God. You can just destroy my soul, so it goes back to nothingness. Thanks.

Inside me... is a person, who is dead tired. Tired of waking up everyday. Tired of facing things. Tired of breaking things. Tired of being. Does this mean I haven't been saved? I'm not truly transformed by Christ? I don't think so. Cause this person is me, the me that is scarred. The me that remembers many wrong things done or caused or involved. This person is me. This person, this being, is the one undergoing the painful process of sanctification every day. And yet people refuse to see it or at least they won't say it to my face. I mean who will? Who's going to say I think your trash to someone's face? An asshole. And no one wants to be one of those. But guess what, I am one of those. And yet I constantly fight... to see God. After hearing so many testimonies today I was moved by God's power and majesty, and their simple honesty. God is the only eternal thing in my life. But to be honest... sometimes I wish I wasn't a believer so I could go off and die and not worry about it.

But ultimately what is this emotional outpouring, this returning to negavitity? It's a reminder. I'm an incredibly emotional person, no matter how much I try to control it or deny it. I am not cold, aloof, methodical, put-together Mark. I'm awkward. I'm not funny. I'm not good at anything. I'm bad at conversations. I'm bad at pictures. I'm bad at guitar. I'm bad at singing. I'm bad at keeping friendships. I'm bad at helping others. I'm bad at serving. I'm bad at being a son. I'm bad at being a brother. I'm bad at being family. I'm bad at life. I'm incredibly forgettable. I'm a nobody. I'm essentially a waste on this world. And so I scream a resounding FUCK! Cause curse words are the ultimate form of shock in my vocabulary short of cursing God, which I won't do.

Followed by a prayer.

I need to get out of Charlottesville.

Struggles

Are You Faking or Trying When It Comes to God?
A discussion of semantics? In some ways yes, but I think it's all perspective. Life is all about... perspective.

Things that will never disappoint me? The power of a song. The beauty of nature. God.

Friends will, but they are worth it, but I really think those are some of the few things that will never disappoint.

Sigh... leggo world.

My next post though will include information from a powerful sermon that I heard this past Sunday though. I promise. Just... not in a mood to write about it.

Blargh

Crooked Smile
Yes, I'm behind, but what a beautiful song. Catchy and good/funny lyrics.
Realization... I hate perfection, except of course in God.

Oh man, it's been a while. Camera things that I really want... solid flash, tripod, reflectors. Things I will get soon? Reflectors.

Updates on my life? None. Well maybe some, but nothing of importance. Had a friend say that I've matured a lot. Haha. Made me happy. Why? Cause something that's always on the back of my mind is have I really changed? And the answer is yes. But of course part of my change is due to recognizing how effed up I am. But that's how I've learned more about grace. Seriously... the only thing keeping me going. Grace.

When I take the time to really think about how everything I do, or at least almost everything, is offensive to God. How it nailed a sinless being to a cross. How it killed someone innocent. How that innocent person sacrificed everything for me. As frustrated, self-deprecating, and other words as I get towards myself, I can't help but pause and say thank you. I can't help, but realize... God is worthy. Christ is enough. Christ is the reason to try to change. Christ is the reason to live.

What's happened in the past 1.5 - 2 weeks... I dunno. Yesterday seems so long ago, yet at the same time feels like it passed by so quickly.

But nothing deep or astounding. Random internal conflicts. Felt like enjoying some old school music so did a kickback to high school Mayer CD's... so good haha.
Room for Squares might be one of my all time favorite albums.

Realization
I get cranky really easy... I forgot about that haha. Had to help some people get supplies for the upcoming retreat, which took longer than I expected and caused some complications. For example... missing dinner with my brother on his birthday. I almost cried out of frustration cause I really wanted to be there. Laughable isn't it? And I got here and it was no biggie. Prior to arriving, I knew it was no biggie, but still I felt sad. Although eating some food helped round out my mood.

And speaking of food, I bought my first cookbook. I'm legit going to try to get better at cooking. I want to be sick. I'm so average at life, so maybe this will be something I can actually get good at.

Yes, this is a worthless post. I felt like being angsty, full of emotional outpouring, but I'm too tired for that. And I'm with my family. I can save the angst for when I'm by myself.

But a promise I make to myself. I will die eventually. I want to die, knowing I lived with an attitude of willing to take leaps of faith. A life that's responsible yet not bound by the world. A life full of dependence on God. A life... that isn't a waste haha.

An Attack on Cynicism

Have you ever justified cynicism by calling it being practical? Or any other number of things? I mean it's easy right? I always fall into it, to the point where I would identify myself as cynical. I mean at it's base is a lack of trust. An assumption and we all know assume means (just spell it out and say me instead of spelling out m, e).

This past Sunday at Trinity, the pastor spoke on cynicism. Calling it a way of covering up and justifying our selfishness. It forms out of our disappointments and then corrupts our mind state. How does it corrupt? Quite simply you look at everything in a terrible framework. But his main question which mindset will dominate the eternal kingdom, our cynicism or the glory of God which consumes us?

And I had to write in my journal, "well played sir." Haha. I really justify it so easily in my mind. The word is depraved and terrible, and basically crap. Why? Cause of sin that pervades everything. And yet the mind of Christ declares Christ's victory. It clings to the Cross, celebrating, sharing. Not a mind of why try here, why take that extra effort cause I know it will fail. Instead a mind of pure trust, a childhood state. That's how you look outside and say it's beautiful. Take today for example, it was so freaking cold. But apart from the cold, it was a clear, sunny, beautiful day. Sigh, just a reminder of how corrupt my mind is.

Oh cynicism, you are so comfortable and enthralling. Much like self-pity and self-loathing. Even disliking someone or hating someone is easy, comfortable, justifiable. But God calls for more than that, to look beyond that. Crazy talk.

Randomness, I finished Boy Meets Girl pretty quickly. Very slow internet while away with fam equals good reading time. Ironically... it served two things. Reminded me how books are better than blogs. (I just them more.) The second thing? A lot of healing. A lot of resolutions. A lot of perspective. And lots of cute/heartbreaking stories. But ya, I'm reviving that old plan of reading more. Not gonna force it. I think letting it flow works for me better, but as long as the effort is made, progress will occur.

Got lots of negativity in my soul, but I've got a God greater than that. More lovely than that. Who's worth striving for change. Eff me guys haha. Like in the most light-hearted way. Not a cynical laugh but a laugh of relief. I'm me that's all there is to it. Thanks be to God.

Edit
Thank God for space heaters. I keep my apt sorta cold and it's saving my life. Buy one and turn down your heat to save some moneys, cause you don't use it all the time, and it's cheaper than heating an entire apt as opposed to a room.

Revamping my blog

I want my blog to have more substance.
http://theresurgence.com/2013/12/02/6-simple-ways-to-write-better-blog-posts

More than just an update on my life, so I can look back on it one day and smile or cry or both. I want it to contain something more.

So... I've said this before, but here's my goal revisited to make my blog better.

Kids my friend. They suck your energy, but I think they also give you something in return. Something no object can give you. My brother and my cousin. I spent the past several days just with my brother. Which is a mix of hanging out and taking care of him because he's 10. And then came back yesterday, only to play with my cousin who's 2 or 3 for several hours. Those kids seriously drain my energy. I can't deny it. I'm a super introvert. I need my me time. To be emo and hate everything :P (I jest for the most part). But dang... now that I have my alone time (aka working from my aunt's house), I realize I loved being with them.

Of course you get annoyed. You want to scream at times, but... it's genuinely fun. I feel younger. Which is ironic cause when I'm with college kids closer to my age I feel older... and when I'm around kids and I'm playing with them I feel younger. I want to jump and play and laugh crazily cause the way they view the world is so different from my cynical jaded crap view. Perspective really is the key to happiness. God is the source, perspective channels it properly.

Will these feelings of youth and the hype and I feel in the song below pass? Yup haha. But I'm going to enjoy it while I'm feeling it.

G-Dragon - 니가 뭔데 (Who You?)
This is my new jam. Like for real, I can't stop listening to it and makes me want to jump and dance. Oh k-pop, you're dumb, but so addicting. Actually, I just really like G-Dragon. Listened to a bunch of his stuff because I missed it all once I stopped listening to k-pop. So catchy.

Whatup new year

Allow me to indulge with this cliched photo. Looking back on this year equals where have I been, what have I done, where have I failed, where am I now?

Lots of reflection. And yesterday, more than likely I had 2 or 3 concussions... haha. I took this mogul infested area, and the first time I was fine. The second time I got wrecked. I literally did 3 flips head over feet each time slamming the back of my head. So appreciative for helmets. No memory loss or other complications just blacking out with each impact, but quite an adventure. It sorta ruined my day of snowboarding cause I had this fear on the back of my mind. And it was the best day cause we had so much fresh snow (real fresh snow). It was beautiful, but still not as good as Colorado. But oh well. Was a fun time, and then new years day I returned home, well technically nova. Working from NOVA for two days. Seeing some friends, and then heading back to that good ol Cville.

2013. A lot happened. I mean... a lot. Dang... not gonna bother to list it all out, cause that would take forever. But I feel like more sad than good. Although, that's like me to focus more on the bad.

Regardless,  hello 2014. Hello hello. Feeling that this will be an expensive year. At least on paper it will be. But good thing I make money. At least I will save a decent amount of money still. At least within my planning, I should.

So... this past year was supposed to be no clothes buying. Did I stick to it perfectly? I am sad to admit no. But did I stick to it pretty well? More or less yes. I "celebrated" by buying some shirts to celebrate cause they were on super sale and not that expensive at all. J. Crew slim button ups man. My favorite button up. But that being said, this year I have no intention of buying a lot of clothes. My goal is to stick to last years goal of no clothes buying with a couple exceptions in mind. What exceptions? A legit pair of boots. Like real man boots, that are built to last and can be re-crafted. After my dress shoes are dead, I will replace them with built to last forever dress shoes too. Of course both made in 'merica. But reality guys? As time goes on, I enjoy shopping less and less. I've said this before, but it's decreasing more and more, so praise be to God. Learning though is still cool. Like all the different ways to make shoes or different materials etc. Or the different designs that go into making cameras or lenses. Or how many different automatic watches there are and why their movements are unique. Or even computer parts, etc.

And I told my parents this morning on New Years about my desire to go to seminary and missions. Remarkably, they were fine. My mom made a joke of you're going to be poor, but overall okay. I think the fact that the EM pastor went to seminary without telling his family and just left home, scared my mom, and helped my case some. haha. But dang... one mile stone passed. Remember that list I had in my last post? One down. Sick deals.

But yes, 2014. Here's to hoping for something amazing, but recognizing God's control and bowing before that. Leggo.

What a jacked up quote. Well true, but so many better ways to encourage. But let's all aim to be better right? Better to fall short knowing you went for it than meet an easy goal and settle with where you're at.

Photo peeps:

Two kickstarters with noting, that I am considering buying that you might as well.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/702400282/maxstone-iphone-your-camera

much cheaper than the canon cable that achieves similar results. all i need now is a decent tripod with this.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/customslr/air-strap-a-camera-strap-that-does-more-with-less

i like shoulder strap like this. perfect for that quick shot.