Broken Friendships

Today, Chris Liu shared about the Gospel in a refreshing way to help bring life not only to non-Christians, but also to those that are Christians and have lost site of the joy in it.  It was good, and I definitely appreciated it because it's a reminder that I definitely need often.  I always get wrapped up in laws and such, and forgot about the pure joy, the love, the grace all from Jesus Christ.

But, as I listened to this, and I reflected just now, I was reminded of brokenness.  Not only my brokenness, but the many ways I've broken friendships.  Please allow this indulgence of self-pity/regret.  I look back, and I see so many friendships that have ended from lack of effort on my part.  From stupid mistakes or just lack of a loving heart.  In my mind, I can only berate myself.  Pastor Byung talked about how when forgiveness occurs, it occurs at the expense of one of the parties involved.  And that really hit me.  Repentance is always a good thing, but does repentance lead to healing for the other person as well?  I mean I guess that's something I shouldn't worry about right?  It's in God's hands.  This is one sense a source of comfort, but how often do I just use it as a means of making myself feel better, of a scapegoat?  I honestly have to say I don't know.  I wish I understood myself better.  I wish I could look at myself and point out reasons that clearly explain my actions.  Too often I have no idea, or I think I understand and then later on I realize that I'm just confused.  But in the end, I don't want someone to have to suffer, get the short end of the stick because of me.  Maybe this pride, and not concern at all.  Pride in the fact that I shouldn't have even made them suffer, and I only can forgive not them...but it's sorta ridiculous to think like that.

I guess in the end, this is my apology to all those I have wronged, granted almost none of these people will probably read this, but I am sorry.  Haha, the funny thing is that I'll probably go through this once again.  A time where I am furstrated at myself, sad, bewildered, and I'll probably apologize again, but by then I guess I'll have more reasons for it.

I just pray and hope that the people I have wronged, can forgive me, and ultimately find peace in God.  I don't understand people that say they have no regrets in life.  I think it's really awesome if you can say that, although I'm sure those people have some really dumb decisions but who knows.  Sidetracked... lol.  I do hope that everyone will come to know Jesus and that I can be an instrument for God.  Too often I look at the world and can only see brokenness, but there's beauty as well, I just need to look with God's eyes.