One Struggle

Today, coming up with something isn't that hard.  Honestly... I wish I was asleep, but I want to do this. lol.

I struggle with... sharing.  I can share to an extent.  I can be open to an extent.  But there is a certain level where it's hard for me.  But with shame it's one thing, but then asking others to hear my pain is another.  I always feel like I'm being a burden.  I know these people have their own problems to deal with, so I'm like I shouldn't bother.  Or they are busy or tired, so I decide not to share.  And sometimes it's just the simple fact that I'm too tired.  Regardless, I constantly come up with excuses.  Even people I'm close to, they know me to a certain level.

There a lot of things that I keep confidential in reality, and I think I try to hide behind the excuse of it's between God and me.  And yes, I call it an excuse because if I can't be completely honest with other people at all, how sure can I be that I'm being completely honest with God?  Of course God knows everything, but that doesn't absolve me of being honest or not being honest with Him.  Also, that isn't to say that I'm not being as honest as I can with God, but I've learned that sometimes the people you share with can probe you in ways that you didn't think about, and open new dimensions to your train of thought.

I've always struggled with how I thought that people felt like they couldn't be open with me.  I've always wanted to be an older figure that someone could look up to, partly yes, because of pride (which is definitely wrong), but also because I do want to share and help people on a more personal level.  I enjoy general serving for the most part, but I genuinely love more personal relationships/mentoring.  I think that's why I love talking to older brothers because they have so much to offer.

But perhaps because people can inherently sense this wall that I've created, they don't want to open up.  Maybe, I'm just being dumb haha.

But I digress.  I think I need to be more honest with other people, especially if I ask that of them.  I want to help others, but I don't want to be helped.  What kind of dumb logic is that?  But it's the logic I often follow.  So this is my prayer request/hope/honest statement, I'm a closed individual, and I want to be more open, I'm just scared.  Scared of hurting others, but also of being hurt.

But I believe that the Gospel is a message of not being scared, so I hope I can be more open.  To any that read this, hold me accountable.  Just be aware... that for some people I'm not going to say as much, but I'll try.