The burden of trying to make your life right is too great. The burden of trying to make yourself right with God is too great. Jesus says, “Come, I’ll give you rest,” and “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
Grudem
Dang. Humbling.
Got a flu shot a couple days ago. She pulled the needle out and I bled, like more than normal... and her reaction was oh look at that your bleeding... the heck? And first time I saw my arm right after the shot and it was like there was a mini cone there with the tip from where the needle left my arm. Ugh.
The news is so depressing these days... humbling, but depressing. But I would rather know than not know. Shootings, earthquakes, hold ups, disregard for those lesser, trolls on the internet making dumb comments on depressing topics. They bring a whole new level to the term troll. There's funny troll and straight up are you even human/do you have feelings troll?
But life goes on. God is good. Pictures are fun. Running is enjoyable again. Taking each step is like a small victory of progress that I rejoice in.
Life has reached a form of regularity again. Sorta boring, but tis all good. On the plus side, I ordered my camera bag. So excited... And I've begun to regain fat which makes me sad. Regaining weight is fine... fat not so much. Yet, I can run farther with less problems, and lift more etc. Weird.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Frisbee
We do not complain of what God does not give us; we rather thank God for what He does give us daily.
Bonhoeffer
There's an organic consistency between what comes out of my heart and what comes out of my mouth. The struggle of words is a struggle of kingdoms. A war between the kingdom of self and the kingdom of God.
Paul Tripp
You know what makes me sad? The navy yard shooting is indeed a tragedy. But it is also normal for many different people in this world. That kind of constant fear... is normal for them. Crazy... Flags at half staff, shouldn't we in reality just always do that then? Or does the fact that it involved American citizens make all the difference? Our people. Our people? Who are our people?
Yesterday at sys theo we laughed as we described Mormon theology. In one sense, yes it's laughable. But they sincerely believe it, and if you think about it we just look like total a**holes laughing at them. Do we love them and our heart breaks for them, or do we get haughty and laugh at them? Do we laugh at cults or do we learn from them and reach out to them? Let's be real, Mormons know what's up when it comes to sincerely following their religion, far better than us Christians. But then that's legalism right? Haha... oh sin, you so clever. Or maybe it's just the my mind that loves to play circles with me.
On a completely different note. I'm questioning my sanity. I'm spending $120 to get a pass to the afc for four months. Price wise, that's fine with me. But the main motivation is... so I can play IM frisbee. I have defected to another team that used to be our rival in GCF, well at least back when we still had CW, AK, JO, DP, TP, and company. Last year, GCF got wrecked by them, but no worries. I'm getting so hyped up for an IM frisbee game... sigh. I need to get better so I can play on a higher level, but that gap between where I'm at now and to get to a point where I could legitimately play on a team is huge... pretty much impossibly huge. Main issue is physical limitations, I could get so much better but in the end... I'm short. Oh well, at least I can still pickup and random leagues.
Do I have answers for my recent of depressive thoughts? Do I need an answer? I want one. I have inklings. But as someone reminded me last night, do the answers really matter? In one sense know, cause Christ is everything. When we say He is enough, when we say be my everything, that's the inherent quality. So yes I will continue to flesh out my thoughts, my reactions, etc. but all the while striving to stay at peace. And even if I lose peace, to at least continue to praise.
What I miss most is community. But hopefully... within the next month I will have finally found the church that I will commit to. Praise be to God.
Speaking of crazy... at some point I was thinking of spending basically 6-7 thousand dollars on a camera body. I thought about how I would save up, and buy it eventually, and finally I woke up. I can do that. I totally could, but it's stupid. I'm not rich enough and as much as I love taking pictures, what I can do with that much money is ridiculous. Sigh. Goodbye another dream of mine. That stupid cult, elitist side of me, that beautiful craftsmanship and engineering mastery and dedication to detail, goodbye. Haha... I mean I could always get the cheaper film body, but film is dying slowly. I'm riding the curtail of it. Plus, their lenses are so expensive... gg. If I was rich heck ya. But... I'm not, nor do I intend to ever be. But the things I have I like and enjoy, so it's all good.
But isn't that life? Finding dreams, goals, and then fulfilling some and retiring so many others. So many... oh reality, you aren't always fun you know?
At least I can find joy in frisbee. Can't play on a legit team, but I can still play and have fun, and that's enough. Am I settling on things? Meh, I find peace, satisfaction, and joy in these things, so who cares right? And yes... I wrote this at work. Slow days give me time to do things like this haha.
Bonhoeffer
There's an organic consistency between what comes out of my heart and what comes out of my mouth. The struggle of words is a struggle of kingdoms. A war between the kingdom of self and the kingdom of God.
Paul Tripp
You know what makes me sad? The navy yard shooting is indeed a tragedy. But it is also normal for many different people in this world. That kind of constant fear... is normal for them. Crazy... Flags at half staff, shouldn't we in reality just always do that then? Or does the fact that it involved American citizens make all the difference? Our people. Our people? Who are our people?
Yesterday at sys theo we laughed as we described Mormon theology. In one sense, yes it's laughable. But they sincerely believe it, and if you think about it we just look like total a**holes laughing at them. Do we love them and our heart breaks for them, or do we get haughty and laugh at them? Do we laugh at cults or do we learn from them and reach out to them? Let's be real, Mormons know what's up when it comes to sincerely following their religion, far better than us Christians. But then that's legalism right? Haha... oh sin, you so clever. Or maybe it's just the my mind that loves to play circles with me.
On a completely different note. I'm questioning my sanity. I'm spending $120 to get a pass to the afc for four months. Price wise, that's fine with me. But the main motivation is... so I can play IM frisbee. I have defected to another team that used to be our rival in GCF, well at least back when we still had CW, AK, JO, DP, TP, and company. Last year, GCF got wrecked by them, but no worries. I'm getting so hyped up for an IM frisbee game... sigh. I need to get better so I can play on a higher level, but that gap between where I'm at now and to get to a point where I could legitimately play on a team is huge... pretty much impossibly huge. Main issue is physical limitations, I could get so much better but in the end... I'm short. Oh well, at least I can still pickup and random leagues.
Do I have answers for my recent of depressive thoughts? Do I need an answer? I want one. I have inklings. But as someone reminded me last night, do the answers really matter? In one sense know, cause Christ is everything. When we say He is enough, when we say be my everything, that's the inherent quality. So yes I will continue to flesh out my thoughts, my reactions, etc. but all the while striving to stay at peace. And even if I lose peace, to at least continue to praise.
What I miss most is community. But hopefully... within the next month I will have finally found the church that I will commit to. Praise be to God.
Speaking of crazy... at some point I was thinking of spending basically 6-7 thousand dollars on a camera body. I thought about how I would save up, and buy it eventually, and finally I woke up. I can do that. I totally could, but it's stupid. I'm not rich enough and as much as I love taking pictures, what I can do with that much money is ridiculous. Sigh. Goodbye another dream of mine. That stupid cult, elitist side of me, that beautiful craftsmanship and engineering mastery and dedication to detail, goodbye. Haha... I mean I could always get the cheaper film body, but film is dying slowly. I'm riding the curtail of it. Plus, their lenses are so expensive... gg. If I was rich heck ya. But... I'm not, nor do I intend to ever be. But the things I have I like and enjoy, so it's all good.
But isn't that life? Finding dreams, goals, and then fulfilling some and retiring so many others. So many... oh reality, you aren't always fun you know?
At least I can find joy in frisbee. Can't play on a legit team, but I can still play and have fun, and that's enough. Am I settling on things? Meh, I find peace, satisfaction, and joy in these things, so who cares right? And yes... I wrote this at work. Slow days give me time to do things like this haha.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
What the heck did I just dream?
I can't remember if I have ever woken up with tears forming on my eyes. Honestly, if I dream, normally it's cause I woke up and fell back asleep. But that didn't happen this time.
I dreamed that I was taking a test, one of my co-workers was my teacher. It was a religions class I think. Basically... I was going to fail the test, and was running out of time. Super stressed you know? But a couple things stood out. I almost started a fight, which I don't really do in life. I snapped at a classmate lol. Which I have done. But I also broke down in front of my teacher. And the weird thing is that I was like I'm working now at SNL but I'm taking this class for fun. I should have studied more... blah blah blah typical stupid student excuses. Lol. I was like watching from afar/inside me in the dream, and I laughed as I said these things in a cynical way. And then real stuff started to come out... frustrations over my dad was the gateway, and then I woke up.
Cause while I was telling the teacher, I started crying uncontrollably. Do I put a lot of value in dreams? No. But this one is different than the ones I've had for a long time.
Made me wonder, how many tears have I suppressed? How many times have I wanted to cry but refused to let myself? How much pain have I really hidden deep within me and walled off through so called logic or just sheer force of will? Scary stuff man... But then again I'm sure people have woken up crying before. So maybe it's just a bad dream, and not a sheer misunderstanding of my state of being.
To clarify, I think I'm still hurt about my dad, but no longer bitter. But even pain will fade, not through time, stupid saying, but through God and friends and community.
I went to a church this past weekend. Christ Community Church, and I fell in love in a different way then I have at other churches. If I wasn't with one of my roommates, and if I wasn't visible I would have cried so much. Haha. Something about that place rocked my core. Started out with a little girl opening us with a worship song. Sorta old school songs, but a well developed praise team. Clean, not showy. Sincere, but not fake. And beautiful. I saw a woman get down on her knees on prayer. The congregation is split between older and super young. And you would see older people that couldn't stand anymore but would lift their hands in praise as they sat. As I was walking in a couple welcomed my friend and I in the parking lot. During service, an elderly guy came and tried to talk to us. Not just small talk, but you could feel the genuineness in his heart. The sermon was not the greatest by comparison, but the emphasis on sharing the Gospel was refreshing. Closing was nice. As we left, the elderly guy ran out to catch us and told us to come back.
But the entire time... I felt tears on the corner of my eyes. The genuine love you could see in these people's eyes as they said hi. As they were so friendly with everyone. As they praised. So many things... I could only think God, this is what you want in our church isn't it? This emphasis that church is not everything, but when we go out to share, that's the point. That church is a loving community regardless of who you are and what you have done, titles of service, mistakes, none of that matters compared to Jesus. And guys, I dunno if I would have the same experience if I went back, but I'm just so glad that for one day I could experience something like that. I've never... experienced anything quite like that. Thanks for the reminder God. Also this church was ethnically more diverse than several churches I've seen, not in that hip cool way of young people hanging out but in a more older, content way if that makes sense.
I wonder if one day, all the tears I've held back will burst forth? Who knows man. I don't think that's how it works. But maybe? I feel bad for whomever I end up showing that too, well if it happens. I don't think it will to be honest. Have a great Saturday everyone! I just needed a record of my dream that won't fade and easy to find.
I dreamed that I was taking a test, one of my co-workers was my teacher. It was a religions class I think. Basically... I was going to fail the test, and was running out of time. Super stressed you know? But a couple things stood out. I almost started a fight, which I don't really do in life. I snapped at a classmate lol. Which I have done. But I also broke down in front of my teacher. And the weird thing is that I was like I'm working now at SNL but I'm taking this class for fun. I should have studied more... blah blah blah typical stupid student excuses. Lol. I was like watching from afar/inside me in the dream, and I laughed as I said these things in a cynical way. And then real stuff started to come out... frustrations over my dad was the gateway, and then I woke up.
Cause while I was telling the teacher, I started crying uncontrollably. Do I put a lot of value in dreams? No. But this one is different than the ones I've had for a long time.
Made me wonder, how many tears have I suppressed? How many times have I wanted to cry but refused to let myself? How much pain have I really hidden deep within me and walled off through so called logic or just sheer force of will? Scary stuff man... But then again I'm sure people have woken up crying before. So maybe it's just a bad dream, and not a sheer misunderstanding of my state of being.
To clarify, I think I'm still hurt about my dad, but no longer bitter. But even pain will fade, not through time, stupid saying, but through God and friends and community.
I went to a church this past weekend. Christ Community Church, and I fell in love in a different way then I have at other churches. If I wasn't with one of my roommates, and if I wasn't visible I would have cried so much. Haha. Something about that place rocked my core. Started out with a little girl opening us with a worship song. Sorta old school songs, but a well developed praise team. Clean, not showy. Sincere, but not fake. And beautiful. I saw a woman get down on her knees on prayer. The congregation is split between older and super young. And you would see older people that couldn't stand anymore but would lift their hands in praise as they sat. As I was walking in a couple welcomed my friend and I in the parking lot. During service, an elderly guy came and tried to talk to us. Not just small talk, but you could feel the genuineness in his heart. The sermon was not the greatest by comparison, but the emphasis on sharing the Gospel was refreshing. Closing was nice. As we left, the elderly guy ran out to catch us and told us to come back.
But the entire time... I felt tears on the corner of my eyes. The genuine love you could see in these people's eyes as they said hi. As they were so friendly with everyone. As they praised. So many things... I could only think God, this is what you want in our church isn't it? This emphasis that church is not everything, but when we go out to share, that's the point. That church is a loving community regardless of who you are and what you have done, titles of service, mistakes, none of that matters compared to Jesus. And guys, I dunno if I would have the same experience if I went back, but I'm just so glad that for one day I could experience something like that. I've never... experienced anything quite like that. Thanks for the reminder God. Also this church was ethnically more diverse than several churches I've seen, not in that hip cool way of young people hanging out but in a more older, content way if that makes sense.
I wonder if one day, all the tears I've held back will burst forth? Who knows man. I don't think that's how it works. But maybe? I feel bad for whomever I end up showing that too, well if it happens. I don't think it will to be honest. Have a great Saturday everyone! I just needed a record of my dream that won't fade and easy to find.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Waiting On The Lord But Not Traffic Lights
I want a mustache and beard. Not that wispy asian jank. But that real mountain man-esque one. But I'd keep it tame so it looks classy. But reality check. I'm asian. When I grow it out it's patchy and ugly. Aka no luck.
Wrote another emo post... and deleted it. Why? I don't need it. I don't want those thoughts. I don't want to be trapped in that endless cycle that ultimately only leads to satisfaction in death and being forgotten. But then this post is sorta emo, but ends hopeful.
Music is one of my lifelines. It gives me energy at work to get through a slow day. It can evoke deep thoughts. Stupid thoughts. It can make me laugh. It can break me and make me cry. But ultimately... it helps me come out. Those lyrics, that flow, all of it slowly drags me. And I crawl out... so very afraid. So... very afraid.
I never act like this... but inside of me is a pit of fear. So much fear... it's intoxicating. It consumes me. I've lived in it for so long, I think it's home. No I don't think... it is my home. You've been there I bet. If you haven't... then God forbid you enter it. Don't if you are given the chance. Fight, pray, anything. Cause it's my home. And you aren't welcome. Lolz.
The reality is... I'm a little kid learning to crawl. Learning what it means to be a child of God. And every step away from that pit leads me to so much uncertainty. I've acted like I know, that I've gotten it together for so long it became second nature. But finally those acts are stripped away, and I'm left with nothing but me and God. I start to look up and then I run away. As fast as I can. I run. I run. I run......... do you have any idea how scary it is to think that He's always there watching? Always there caring? Just stop. Just stop. Forget me. Let me be. Give me punishment. Give me pain. Give me..... Hell. God, go away. But You don't. And it's so beauitful and so scary. So loving, but so much love that it hurts.
I miss being able to smile so freely and laugh so freely... I miss days when I was less aware. I was more ignorant of these facts of myself.
No... I have changed. The more I learn about God the more scared I am. But still I will continue. Not out of futility but because of a hope that will never fail. As I rip apart myself, You put me back together. And I will cling to you God. I will cling. Not as a child that runs, but no I will cling as a child so desperate to leave the Hell I created for myself. I will cling cause I need life, and You freely give it. I will cling because you first extended a hand to me so that I could come to faith. Without it... I would be dead. My smiles and laughter might have changed but they still are smiles and laughter.
4 songs are my goto for the past couple days. Otherside by Macklemore. Neon Cathedral by Macklemore. Starting Over by Macklemore. Though You Slay Me by Shane & Shane. The brutal realities of life closed by the beautiful overwhelming power of Christ.
God is good even when I am not. God is loving even when I am not. God is... God? haha. Night world.
Actually random thing. You know your legs are short when you put on pajamas that you got as a gift and they are like 2 inches too long... sigh.
I want a mustache and beard. Not that wispy asian jank. But that real mountain man-esque one. But I'd keep it tame so it looks classy. But reality check. I'm asian. When I grow it out it's patchy and ugly. Aka no luck.
Wrote another emo post... and deleted it. Why? I don't need it. I don't want those thoughts. I don't want to be trapped in that endless cycle that ultimately only leads to satisfaction in death and being forgotten. But then this post is sorta emo, but ends hopeful.
Music is one of my lifelines. It gives me energy at work to get through a slow day. It can evoke deep thoughts. Stupid thoughts. It can make me laugh. It can break me and make me cry. But ultimately... it helps me come out. Those lyrics, that flow, all of it slowly drags me. And I crawl out... so very afraid. So... very afraid.
I never act like this... but inside of me is a pit of fear. So much fear... it's intoxicating. It consumes me. I've lived in it for so long, I think it's home. No I don't think... it is my home. You've been there I bet. If you haven't... then God forbid you enter it. Don't if you are given the chance. Fight, pray, anything. Cause it's my home. And you aren't welcome. Lolz.
The reality is... I'm a little kid learning to crawl. Learning what it means to be a child of God. And every step away from that pit leads me to so much uncertainty. I've acted like I know, that I've gotten it together for so long it became second nature. But finally those acts are stripped away, and I'm left with nothing but me and God. I start to look up and then I run away. As fast as I can. I run. I run. I run......... do you have any idea how scary it is to think that He's always there watching? Always there caring? Just stop. Just stop. Forget me. Let me be. Give me punishment. Give me pain. Give me..... Hell. God, go away. But You don't. And it's so beauitful and so scary. So loving, but so much love that it hurts.
I miss being able to smile so freely and laugh so freely... I miss days when I was less aware. I was more ignorant of these facts of myself.
No... I have changed. The more I learn about God the more scared I am. But still I will continue. Not out of futility but because of a hope that will never fail. As I rip apart myself, You put me back together. And I will cling to you God. I will cling. Not as a child that runs, but no I will cling as a child so desperate to leave the Hell I created for myself. I will cling cause I need life, and You freely give it. I will cling because you first extended a hand to me so that I could come to faith. Without it... I would be dead. My smiles and laughter might have changed but they still are smiles and laughter.
4 songs are my goto for the past couple days. Otherside by Macklemore. Neon Cathedral by Macklemore. Starting Over by Macklemore. Though You Slay Me by Shane & Shane. The brutal realities of life closed by the beautiful overwhelming power of Christ.
God is good even when I am not. God is loving even when I am not. God is... God? haha. Night world.
Actually random thing. You know your legs are short when you put on pajamas that you got as a gift and they are like 2 inches too long... sigh.
The greats were great cause at birth they could paint. The greats were great cause they paint a lot.
Macklemore
Haha... so by that, if I take a lot of photos, I could become great? Sike... taking a lot of bad photos does not make you good.
What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.
Random quote
This is the test of true meditation and true Christian community. Has the fellowship served to make the individual free, strong, and mature, or has it made him weak and dependent?
Bonhoeffer
If I had to study a Christian's life for a paper or something, it'd be this guy. After I finish this short book by him, I'll finish the one I started and paused by him. And I also have a collection of his sermons that I will read. Slowly over time, but man that guy has got a view that I wish I had. A vision that I wish I saw so clearly, and a heart that I fear will never exist.
Why all these random quotes lately? Honestly, it's just better record keeping on my part. Normally, I want to include them, but I haven't been.
War of Words: Getting to the Heart for God's Sake
Listen to this sermon. It's long. But please do. Like really... listen to it. Make time. Listen to it in parts. I don't care. Listen to it. If you listen to it... we'll be better friends. I dunno, just listen to it.
You know... there are older people that I spent so long trying to look up to when I was an undergrad. Most of them... have stopped talking to me. Am I sad? Yes. Bitter? Honestly... at times. Should I be? No. But, I understand where they are coming from. I just never could admit to myself how hurt I was at times. But the reality is... I was/am. Haha. And even better, it's okay. It really is. Thanks be to God. Moving on from stupid trivial things like that are better. Did I let myself get crippled by fellowship or did I grow stronger in it? In many ways... I was crippled. But now, I learn to stand through God's grace.
There are more things that I'm learning everyday... as much as I fall underneath thoughts that rip me apart, I find God reaching through and helping me to see Him in His glory. That's all I can cling to.
Also, don't buy cheap floss. It sucks so much. Spend the extra dollar and get better floss. Sometimes cheap is not good. This is one of those things.
Macklemore
Haha... so by that, if I take a lot of photos, I could become great? Sike... taking a lot of bad photos does not make you good.
What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.
Random quote
This is the test of true meditation and true Christian community. Has the fellowship served to make the individual free, strong, and mature, or has it made him weak and dependent?
Bonhoeffer
If I had to study a Christian's life for a paper or something, it'd be this guy. After I finish this short book by him, I'll finish the one I started and paused by him. And I also have a collection of his sermons that I will read. Slowly over time, but man that guy has got a view that I wish I had. A vision that I wish I saw so clearly, and a heart that I fear will never exist.
Why all these random quotes lately? Honestly, it's just better record keeping on my part. Normally, I want to include them, but I haven't been.
War of Words: Getting to the Heart for God's Sake
Listen to this sermon. It's long. But please do. Like really... listen to it. Make time. Listen to it in parts. I don't care. Listen to it. If you listen to it... we'll be better friends. I dunno, just listen to it.
You know... there are older people that I spent so long trying to look up to when I was an undergrad. Most of them... have stopped talking to me. Am I sad? Yes. Bitter? Honestly... at times. Should I be? No. But, I understand where they are coming from. I just never could admit to myself how hurt I was at times. But the reality is... I was/am. Haha. And even better, it's okay. It really is. Thanks be to God. Moving on from stupid trivial things like that are better. Did I let myself get crippled by fellowship or did I grow stronger in it? In many ways... I was crippled. But now, I learn to stand through God's grace.
There are more things that I'm learning everyday... as much as I fall underneath thoughts that rip me apart, I find God reaching through and helping me to see Him in His glory. That's all I can cling to.
Also, don't buy cheap floss. It sucks so much. Spend the extra dollar and get better floss. Sometimes cheap is not good. This is one of those things.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell.
C.S. Lewis
http://michaelkelleyministries.com/2013/08/the-myth-of-passion/
Good stuff.
Sometimes.. you just want to say eff it all. That thought comes and goes for me.
In that instant of destroying something you feel pain and remorse, and it screams I am alive. And you feel joy as you left a mark also screaming... I am alive. I exist.
Because no matter how hard I try what it comes down to is... my existence is a mistake. Pride coming out there. Blaspheming against God. I feel trapped... and all I want is to disapear.
http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/08/faith-is-war.html
Sometimes you just get tired of fighting.
Today is 9/11 so many never forget signs suddenly appear. Honestly... I only feel disappointed. Yes, on this one day you remember. And then you go about it with it not on your mind. Some remember of course. Some care. Some reflect often. But not nearly as many as the signs would you make you think. But then again, maybe I'm just being pretentious. Judging. At least today they do care. Isn't that better than nothing? That breath of fresh air as opposed to that stench of complacency? I guess... I'm just too cynical.
one of my aunt's from a side of the family I don't interract with got divorced within the past couple years. My heart breaks for her. Especially when she posts about how her ex is failing her children. But she has hope, and she has support from her family and another guy has been helping a lot (potential here? probs). But it makes me sad. Effing people that won't effing deal with their stupidity. But then... that's me. I see the shadows on my personality, I see my actions. And I'm no different. But anger and frustration is always easier than looking inwards and analyzing our own faults and failures.
But whatevs man. Have to fight. Have to faith. Gotta press on. I think staring at computer screen so much is starting to annoy me or at least have an effect on me. Who knows...
And who am I kidding... still in that mode of hating myself. At least, I'm not cursing right? Haha. I stopped believing in myself a long time ago. I don't think I ever will.
http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/a-song-for-the-suffering-with-john-piper
And then I'm in tears. As I listen to the song above, and freeze and say God... I am here. Don't forget me. God, I'm so sorry... God... I love you. I need you.
Successfully sold one of my old cameras. Yay. Now I have to sell one more. As well as some old headphones. And an old gift card that I haven't used, and prob won't use due to my no clothes agreement. But I might break it to buy a jacket.
Ya... flip in personality. Still drained, but happier. Praise be to God. And I ran out of floss... well I started flossing and now I need more so to CVS I go tomorrow.
C.S. Lewis
http://michaelkelleyministries.com/2013/08/the-myth-of-passion/
Good stuff.
Sometimes.. you just want to say eff it all. That thought comes and goes for me.
In that instant of destroying something you feel pain and remorse, and it screams I am alive. And you feel joy as you left a mark also screaming... I am alive. I exist.
Because no matter how hard I try what it comes down to is... my existence is a mistake. Pride coming out there. Blaspheming against God. I feel trapped... and all I want is to disapear.
http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/08/faith-is-war.html
Sometimes you just get tired of fighting.
Today is 9/11 so many never forget signs suddenly appear. Honestly... I only feel disappointed. Yes, on this one day you remember. And then you go about it with it not on your mind. Some remember of course. Some care. Some reflect often. But not nearly as many as the signs would you make you think. But then again, maybe I'm just being pretentious. Judging. At least today they do care. Isn't that better than nothing? That breath of fresh air as opposed to that stench of complacency? I guess... I'm just too cynical.
one of my aunt's from a side of the family I don't interract with got divorced within the past couple years. My heart breaks for her. Especially when she posts about how her ex is failing her children. But she has hope, and she has support from her family and another guy has been helping a lot (potential here? probs). But it makes me sad. Effing people that won't effing deal with their stupidity. But then... that's me. I see the shadows on my personality, I see my actions. And I'm no different. But anger and frustration is always easier than looking inwards and analyzing our own faults and failures.
But whatevs man. Have to fight. Have to faith. Gotta press on. I think staring at computer screen so much is starting to annoy me or at least have an effect on me. Who knows...
And who am I kidding... still in that mode of hating myself. At least, I'm not cursing right? Haha. I stopped believing in myself a long time ago. I don't think I ever will.
http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/a-song-for-the-suffering-with-john-piper
And then I'm in tears. As I listen to the song above, and freeze and say God... I am here. Don't forget me. God, I'm so sorry... God... I love you. I need you.
Successfully sold one of my old cameras. Yay. Now I have to sell one more. As well as some old headphones. And an old gift card that I haven't used, and prob won't use due to my no clothes agreement. But I might break it to buy a jacket.
Ya... flip in personality. Still drained, but happier. Praise be to God. And I ran out of floss... well I started flossing and now I need more so to CVS I go tomorrow.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Toilet.
"I didn't know that question still dominated my heart. But I was working so hard to be a submissive wife, to be a good mom, to be a good Christian. I thought I understood grace, but I was still desperately trying to be good enough. God graciously used a miscarriage to level me. He confronted my scars head-on and then he lifted my eyes once again to see his Son—his very Son whose nail-scarred hands paid for my sin in full."
Put the above quote as anyone serving... humbling.
Good and Angry- Paul Tripp
Legit.
When to Stay and When to Run- Kevin DeYoung
The person who comes into a fellowship because he is running away from himself is misusing it for the sake of diversion, no matter how spiritual this diversion may appear.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
I haven't blogged for a while. Hello again. How are you? Life... is progressing. Nice things here and there. Not so nice things here and there. Lots of info flowing around in my head, but ultimately... ultimately what? I don't know. Well I do, ultimately God. Let's end it here right?
Syria used chemical weapons. Syria used chemical weapons. Dang... the world watches. USA votes for action. People are against it. Conflict of interest, conflict of facts. People are playing stupid games with people's lives for the sake of politics. What the heck? It drives me up the wall. I'm sad and then I'm furious. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST STOP FOR ONE SECOND AND LET GO OF THEIR STUPID PRIDE AND JUST... stop. Why can't the developed nations just stop for a one second... and cry. Why can't we extend a hand? Samsung released a new smartwatch ooo... etc. etc. Why do we spend so much time on things that aren't as important? And I'm guilty of this too. Something cool comes up, and I lose sight. And inside I cry. I cry at my lack of empathy. I cry at my lack of love. I cry... because I feel so helpless. And then... I move on. What am I, but human? Sigh...
Rome and Juliet, as stupid as the premise is sometimes I wonder how different am I? How many times have I longed for suicide, for death over what others might consider trivial? How many more times must it continue? But then for them and for me, it wasn't trivial. It was/is important. Thoughts swirl through my mind ultimately cause... I'm exhausted.
I went to LG and then to WahooRU. And it was nice. It was fun. But seeing that many people drained me. Exhausted me to the core. And left me sad. That place isn't my home anymore. They say you're welcome, but my niche is gone. My role is over. Now I drift in and out... and that's it? That's it. But then this is my choice. This was my decision, live with it right? My mindset is just weird.
Thoughts twirl in and out, like a toilet that doesn't stop it just swirls and swirls and swirls.
I'm getting a work laptop yay. Feels more professional now. Really that necessary? No. But it feels cooler.
Questions that flow in my head about things going on in my life.
And then full circle, humanity. Why? Back and forth. Back and forth. Am I smart? No... I'm dumb. I've done dumb things. I don't think things clearly or well. I'm just average. My pride says above average. But I'm an average guy.
Sigh, there are good things though guys. Staunton was soo much fun. Oh you went? Yes I did go. Go if you have a chance. Watch a play. Walk around. Relax.
Relax? What does that mean? What does that entail? I think my mind... is just shutting down and going haywire. What I need... is a hug. A place to rest my head. Scratch that... what I need... is a shower. Haha. Peace out. Hope you guys are well. But... pray for Syria. Pray for Egypt. Cry my friends. Make sure you haven't lost your humanity in this country we call home.
Put the above quote as anyone serving... humbling.
Good and Angry- Paul Tripp
Legit.
When to Stay and When to Run- Kevin DeYoung
The person who comes into a fellowship because he is running away from himself is misusing it for the sake of diversion, no matter how spiritual this diversion may appear.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
I haven't blogged for a while. Hello again. How are you? Life... is progressing. Nice things here and there. Not so nice things here and there. Lots of info flowing around in my head, but ultimately... ultimately what? I don't know. Well I do, ultimately God. Let's end it here right?
Syria used chemical weapons. Syria used chemical weapons. Dang... the world watches. USA votes for action. People are against it. Conflict of interest, conflict of facts. People are playing stupid games with people's lives for the sake of politics. What the heck? It drives me up the wall. I'm sad and then I'm furious. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST STOP FOR ONE SECOND AND LET GO OF THEIR STUPID PRIDE AND JUST... stop. Why can't the developed nations just stop for a one second... and cry. Why can't we extend a hand? Samsung released a new smartwatch ooo... etc. etc. Why do we spend so much time on things that aren't as important? And I'm guilty of this too. Something cool comes up, and I lose sight. And inside I cry. I cry at my lack of empathy. I cry at my lack of love. I cry... because I feel so helpless. And then... I move on. What am I, but human? Sigh...
Rome and Juliet, as stupid as the premise is sometimes I wonder how different am I? How many times have I longed for suicide, for death over what others might consider trivial? How many more times must it continue? But then for them and for me, it wasn't trivial. It was/is important. Thoughts swirl through my mind ultimately cause... I'm exhausted.
I went to LG and then to WahooRU. And it was nice. It was fun. But seeing that many people drained me. Exhausted me to the core. And left me sad. That place isn't my home anymore. They say you're welcome, but my niche is gone. My role is over. Now I drift in and out... and that's it? That's it. But then this is my choice. This was my decision, live with it right? My mindset is just weird.
Thoughts twirl in and out, like a toilet that doesn't stop it just swirls and swirls and swirls.
I'm getting a work laptop yay. Feels more professional now. Really that necessary? No. But it feels cooler.
Questions that flow in my head about things going on in my life.
And then full circle, humanity. Why? Back and forth. Back and forth. Am I smart? No... I'm dumb. I've done dumb things. I don't think things clearly or well. I'm just average. My pride says above average. But I'm an average guy.
Sigh, there are good things though guys. Staunton was soo much fun. Oh you went? Yes I did go. Go if you have a chance. Watch a play. Walk around. Relax.
Relax? What does that mean? What does that entail? I think my mind... is just shutting down and going haywire. What I need... is a hug. A place to rest my head. Scratch that... what I need... is a shower. Haha. Peace out. Hope you guys are well. But... pray for Syria. Pray for Egypt. Cry my friends. Make sure you haven't lost your humanity in this country we call home.
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