There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell.
C.S. Lewis

http://michaelkelleyministries.com/2013/08/the-myth-of-passion/

Good stuff.

Sometimes.. you just want to say eff it all. That thought comes and goes for me.

In that instant of destroying something you feel pain and remorse, and it screams I am alive. And you feel joy as you left a mark also screaming... I am alive. I exist.

Because no matter how hard I try what it comes down to is... my existence is a mistake. Pride coming out there. Blaspheming against God. I feel trapped... and all I want is to disapear.

http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/08/faith-is-war.html

Sometimes you just get tired of fighting.

Today is 9/11 so many never forget signs suddenly appear. Honestly... I only feel disappointed. Yes, on this one day you remember. And then you go about it with it not on your mind. Some remember of course. Some care. Some reflect often. But not nearly as many as the signs would you make you think. But then again, maybe I'm just being pretentious. Judging. At least today they do care. Isn't that better than nothing? That breath of fresh air as opposed to that stench of complacency? I guess... I'm just too cynical.

one of my aunt's from a side of the family I don't interract with got divorced within the past couple years. My heart breaks for her. Especially when she posts about how her ex is failing her children. But she has hope, and she has support from her family and another guy has been helping a lot (potential here? probs). But it makes me sad. Effing people that won't effing deal with their stupidity. But then... that's me. I see the shadows on my personality, I see my actions. And I'm no different. But anger and frustration is always easier than looking inwards and analyzing our own faults and failures.

But whatevs man. Have to fight. Have to faith. Gotta press on. I think staring at computer screen so much is starting to annoy me or at least have an effect on me. Who knows...

And who am I kidding... still in that mode of hating myself. At least, I'm not cursing right? Haha. I stopped believing in myself a long time ago. I don't think I ever will.

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/a-song-for-the-suffering-with-john-piper

And then I'm in tears. As I listen to the song above, and freeze and say God... I am here. Don't forget me. God, I'm so sorry... God... I love you. I need you.

Successfully sold one of my old cameras. Yay. Now I have to sell one more. As well as some old headphones. And an old gift card that I haven't used, and prob won't use due to my no clothes agreement. But I might break it to buy a jacket.

Ya... flip in personality. Still drained, but happier. Praise be to God. And I ran out of floss... well I started flossing and now I need more so to CVS I go tomorrow.