I can't remember if I have ever woken up with tears forming on my eyes. Honestly, if I dream, normally it's cause I woke up and fell back asleep. But that didn't happen this time.
I dreamed that I was taking a test, one of my co-workers was my teacher. It was a religions class I think. Basically... I was going to fail the test, and was running out of time. Super stressed you know? But a couple things stood out. I almost started a fight, which I don't really do in life. I snapped at a classmate lol. Which I have done. But I also broke down in front of my teacher. And the weird thing is that I was like I'm working now at SNL but I'm taking this class for fun. I should have studied more... blah blah blah typical stupid student excuses. Lol. I was like watching from afar/inside me in the dream, and I laughed as I said these things in a cynical way. And then real stuff started to come out... frustrations over my dad was the gateway, and then I woke up.
Cause while I was telling the teacher, I started crying uncontrollably. Do I put a lot of value in dreams? No. But this one is different than the ones I've had for a long time.
Made me wonder, how many tears have I suppressed? How many times have I wanted to cry but refused to let myself? How much pain have I really hidden deep within me and walled off through so called logic or just sheer force of will? Scary stuff man... But then again I'm sure people have woken up crying before. So maybe it's just a bad dream, and not a sheer misunderstanding of my state of being.
To clarify, I think I'm still hurt about my dad, but no longer bitter. But even pain will fade, not through time, stupid saying, but through God and friends and community.
I went to a church this past weekend. Christ Community Church, and I fell in love in a different way then I have at other churches. If I wasn't with one of my roommates, and if I wasn't visible I would have cried so much. Haha. Something about that place rocked my core. Started out with a little girl opening us with a worship song. Sorta old school songs, but a well developed praise team. Clean, not showy. Sincere, but not fake. And beautiful. I saw a woman get down on her knees on prayer. The congregation is split between older and super young. And you would see older people that couldn't stand anymore but would lift their hands in praise as they sat. As I was walking in a couple welcomed my friend and I in the parking lot. During service, an elderly guy came and tried to talk to us. Not just small talk, but you could feel the genuineness in his heart. The sermon was not the greatest by comparison, but the emphasis on sharing the Gospel was refreshing. Closing was nice. As we left, the elderly guy ran out to catch us and told us to come back.
But the entire time... I felt tears on the corner of my eyes. The genuine love you could see in these people's eyes as they said hi. As they were so friendly with everyone. As they praised. So many things... I could only think God, this is what you want in our church isn't it? This emphasis that church is not everything, but when we go out to share, that's the point. That church is a loving community regardless of who you are and what you have done, titles of service, mistakes, none of that matters compared to Jesus. And guys, I dunno if I would have the same experience if I went back, but I'm just so glad that for one day I could experience something like that. I've never... experienced anything quite like that. Thanks for the reminder God. Also this church was ethnically more diverse than several churches I've seen, not in that hip cool way of young people hanging out but in a more older, content way if that makes sense.
I wonder if one day, all the tears I've held back will burst forth? Who knows man. I don't think that's how it works. But maybe? I feel bad for whomever I end up showing that too, well if it happens. I don't think it will to be honest. Have a great Saturday everyone! I just needed a record of my dream that won't fade and easy to find.
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