Waiting On The Lord But Not Traffic Lights

I want a mustache and beard. Not that wispy asian jank. But that real mountain man-esque one. But I'd keep it tame so it looks classy. But reality check. I'm asian. When I grow it out it's patchy and ugly. Aka no luck.

Wrote another emo post... and deleted it. Why? I don't need it. I don't want those thoughts. I don't want to be trapped in that endless cycle that ultimately only leads to satisfaction in death and being forgotten. But then this post is sorta emo, but ends hopeful.

Music is one of my lifelines. It gives me energy at work to get through a slow day. It can evoke deep thoughts. Stupid thoughts. It can make me laugh. It can break me and make me cry. But ultimately... it helps me come out. Those lyrics, that flow, all of it slowly drags me. And I crawl out... so very afraid. So... very afraid.

I never act like this... but inside of me is a pit of fear. So much fear... it's intoxicating. It consumes me. I've lived in it for so long, I think it's home. No I don't think... it is my home. You've been there I bet. If you haven't... then God forbid you enter it. Don't if you are given the chance. Fight, pray, anything. Cause it's my home. And you aren't welcome. Lolz.

The reality is... I'm a little kid learning to crawl. Learning what it means to be a child of God. And every step away from that pit leads me to so much uncertainty. I've acted like I know, that I've gotten it together for so long it became second nature. But finally those acts are stripped away, and I'm left with nothing but me and God. I start to look up and then I run away. As fast as I can. I run. I run. I run......... do you have any idea how scary it is to think that He's always there watching? Always there caring? Just stop. Just stop. Forget me. Let me be. Give me punishment. Give me pain. Give me..... Hell. God, go away. But You don't. And it's so beauitful and so scary. So loving, but so much love that it hurts.

I miss being able to smile so freely and laugh so freely... I miss days when I was less aware. I was more ignorant of these facts of myself.

No... I have changed. The more I learn about God the more scared I am. But still I will continue. Not out of futility but because of a hope that will never fail. As I rip apart myself, You put me back together. And I will cling to you God. I will cling. Not as a child that runs, but no I will cling as a child so desperate to leave the Hell I created for myself. I will cling cause I need life, and You freely give it. I will cling because you first extended a hand to me so that I could come to faith. Without it... I would be dead. My smiles and laughter might have changed but they still are smiles and laughter.

4 songs are my goto for the past couple days. Otherside by Macklemore. Neon Cathedral by Macklemore. Starting Over by Macklemore. Though You Slay Me by Shane & Shane. The brutal realities of life closed by the beautiful overwhelming power of Christ.

God is good even when I am not. God is loving even when I am not. God is... God? haha. Night world.

Actually random thing. You know your legs are short when you put on pajamas that you got as a gift and they are like 2 inches too long... sigh.