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Hola, to whoever reads this which isn't that many.

I was incredibly surprised when someone pointed that I haven't posted in a while... haha.  That person knows who they are.

I've been on break for a couple days, and so far it's been nice.  Grades haven't been as good as I wanted overall, and still waiting on my rejection call, but other than that seeing family has been nice, and Minsu even joined my family on a ski trip. :)

That being said, slow internet sucks, but luckily I downloaded this sermon before I came here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzokhJ_3G-4

It's beautiful and an incredibly strong reminder that I needed.  Francis Chan has a way with words, but I like how he downplays himself reminding everyone, he is just a man, just like the people in the Bible. Haha. Of course a wise man.

What happened to those days when we were solely amazed by God, not by someone's speaking abilities, their intellect, their talents, or anything else but just God?  When was the last time I thought about the glory of God and not about oh this needs to be worked on, God let praise team bring glory to your name.  Oh I think I can help things by doing x, y, z, I'll pray over that.  Sadly my answer to this question is... a long time. My prayer is full of praying for myself and others, but what about just rejoicing in God.  What about giving thanks to both answered and unanswered prayers.  No, I'm satisfied in other things.  I focus on other things. I focus on aspects of God, but not Him.

Crazy....

But not only that, Francis talks about how prayers go unanswered because they are unpleasing to God referencing Isaiah 58, which I intend to go back and review at some point haha.  But ya... not only unpleasing but if we are not upholding what He tells why should He listen?  A separate topic of course, but it ties in because I have not been upholding God's commands.  I have not been a good follower.  I have not been a good witness.

Often times I recognize these feelings and I succumb to anger, frustration, apathy, etc.  But isn't the proper response coming back to God amazed by Him.  Saying God I can't do these things but You can.  I can't, but You can.  Doing this is hard.  It's humbling, it has to happen everyday, but it comes from loving Him.  How often do I just focus on doing things or the attitude or the image, rather than Him.

If every Christian only feared God, the world would have no choice but to either respect or hate us.  Instead we toe the line of oh in these instances I agree with God, in these I disagree.  You know this doesn't really mean this... let's be politically correct etc.  But... this is wrong.  Once again a separate topic haha.

But ya the takeaway message, the thing that woke up inside of me can be wrapped up in a verse he mentioned, Psalm 27:4

One thing have I asked of the Lord,
    that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
    and to inquire in his temple.

When was the last time I really prayed this, I really thought this?  When was the last time you did?

And towards the end he stated, "If you want to humble a man, ask him about his prayer life."

Pretty powerful in my opinion because it's true.  You can force yourself to read to serve, but how is your prayer life?  And you don't just ask your friends, you ask those in positions of authority not as a barb, but out of concern as a brother or a sister.  You ask everyone because prayer is necessary in our lives.  Ask me too!!!! haha.  Make me feel uncomfortable, get deep.

I butchered the summary, put random thoughts of my own, but please listen to it if you get a chance.  Merry Christmas if I don't post another post by then hahahaha.

Humbling

There are times, when we all get wrapped up in ourselves.  There are times when we get frustrated cause nothing seems to go right.  The effort we put in doesn't pay off.  The time and pain we slave away gives a poor return.  The future as we perceive seems really bleak, and more.

For me, jobs and exams have been crushing my spirit since school started.  Well not exams, but jobs have.  I think... I just feel so much pressure on my shoulders.  And in the end I begin to become obsessed with this cycle of me, me, me.  I mean who doesn't, as times get tough isn't the first person we start to think about, ourselves?  Why am I suffering?  What can I do?  Why does it seem so hopeless?

But then God does something.  Of course we all know to keep things in perspective, but do we?  We have friends that kindly remind us, but sometimes we want to wallow in our self-pity.  We want to feel bad.  We want the world to know that we are suffering so that they take pity on us.  So that we get some attention and feel better.

But like I said God does something.  He does something big.  He humbles us.  He reminds us of life.  We make flippant remarks about how I wish such and such happens.  I hate life.  I would rather go through x, y, z, instead of what I'm going through now.  Why can't life be easier?  We don't cherish life.  We don't cherish His grace.  We want and desire what we think is good for ourselves, we become our own idols.

This humbling process can be a verse, a song, words from a friend, or even just hearing about certain events.  The world is a fragile place.  Our bodies are not impervious, even if we think so because we are young.  We are people in desperate need of God, and many of us know that but we ignore it.

Tonight, I was reminded.  And I sit here... in contemplation, in prayer, in reflection, and just trying to let go and see God in His glory, in His wisdom, in His awesomeness.

Jesus is the beginning and end.  God is a jealous God.  God will use us for His glory.  He alone deserves all the glory.  These are words we have said, but it's so easy to forget it.

Truly I am a sinful being, in need of grace.  And God gives it.  Thanks be to God.

Lord, I am reminded of your greatness.  Lord, I hear you, and I feel you.  My heart once again moves from myself but to You, and the world that is in need of You.  Forgive me Lord, for I know I will still stress.  It is a struggle for me, but let me not put my foolish desires ahead of the people that need you.  God... be with my brothers and sisters that are suffering.  Bring healing.  For only you can do these things.  We, humans, foolishly believe it is in our power, but God it only you.  Let me let go all for You.  In Jesus name, Amen.

Post 5? of Mexico

Hello all.  And by all I mean the few of you who read this blog haha.

The past couple days have been incredibly chill and beautiful.  We went to place a called Los Lagos De Montebello on Wednesday, which is basically like a national park of Mexico that has i think 49 state owned lagoons.  Some of which are a beautiful blue.  And we lucked out because apparently there is a gate where you pay 27 pesos per person (which isn't much) but no one was there and we asked people nearby and they said just to go.  I think it was too early for the security guard to show up, and it's the off season for visiting.  But regardless it was pretty.  We walked around saw some of the lakes, and then got a tour guide.  Poor Chema... haha.  He was our translator for the trip and we asked to him to ask some of the local people (cause people live in the park like a mini village, which is weird I know), but we didn't realize all the people were surrounding a bottle of alcohol and were drinking.  Thankfully we found a guide who was sober and actually incredibly nice.  We went to a couple a grottoes, and one we actually went all the way through to the other side.  If you've seen Prometheus it was literally like that cave where they found the jars... so creepy.  If you haven't, don't it was a terrible movie.  Haha.  But ya we came out of the cave and we thought we had crossed the border on an underground tunnel into Guatemala.  Not really, but we joked cause it felt like it.  We also were wearing flip flops cause we thought we were just going to go for a boat ride, which made things harder, but still fun.

The following two days we journeyed into the nearby city of Comitan and explored.  We went to Centro, which has this nice park area with surrounding shops and wandered around.  I think restaurants there love foreigners becuase they kept on fighting for our attention lol.  And I found this are where they make uniforms and saw lots and lots of barcelona and man u jerseys haha.  i almost bought one, but couldn't think of which one i would buy.  i also got to see this huge market place, and like huge.  imagine a couple costco's put together and that's how big it was.   and it was all like clothes/meat/veggies/fruit/movies/ everything vendors.  and then i saw this beautifully ornamented graveyard.  i have pics of most things which should be on fbook soon.

But moving on:
Today was one of the most touching moments of my life.  Like ever.  It was right before the kids went to bed and most of the team went to say good bye.  And so many of them were crying.  And saying don't go (in spanish, but even i could guess what they were saying).  Lots of hugs and tears from students that you would never expect it from.  One of the guys broke out in tears and Judith burst out laughing haha.  It was so funny and cute at the same.
I know this isn't a lot of a lot of sentences, but trust me my heart like broke.  One of my kids who is tomboy broke into tears, Ana-Karen, and the student I got closest to Harrison, was crying as well.  And that was gg.  until then i was perfectly fine, but they were the finishing blow.  i started tearing up and all i could think of was, regain control don't start crying in front of all the students.

Surprisingly I got really attached to these kids.  I'm going to miss them a lot.  And I'm honestly hoping/praying that I can get a job before next summer, and hopefully come back here.  These students deal a lot with missionaries that come and go, and I know coming back would mean a lot to them, but also to me.

But yes, I highlight the last couple paragraphs.  Literally the saddest and most beatiful moment of my life.  Perhaps when we leave at 3:30 am and see students who wake up for us then, it will be more beauitful, but I might just be grumpy hahahhaha.  To all those who are thinking about coming here to Ichthus... please do.  I will convince you if you give me a chance :P.

Last Monday in Mexico

This past Friday, on June 29, 2012, our team officially finished teaching.  This weekend was so chill, that it was weird for me.  I couldn't believe I had so much free time.  I literally had no idea what to do some times.

Today we went to the ranch and it was actually a lot of fun.  I got to drive a car in Mexico for the first time there and back.  While we were there, we got to eat fresh tilapia from the fish farm for lunch.  I grilled them using a korean style thing that closes, I don't know if you understand, but regardless it was good.  we also got to ride the horses there for a little bit, which was fun.  I got pulled over by the police here, which is a lot scarier than America cause here they carry rifles, but it was just because it's a routine checkup spot, and since Asians were driving they were curious.  Once we told them we were from the Ichthus, the school, the let us go without a problem.  The funny thing is that when we told him we were Korean, he started asking questions about North and South Korea, which was weird and funny.

Horseback riding was so much fun that I took some videos.  Mainly because my horse was so much slower than the other ones and it kept on stopping to drink water and eat grass, but still worth it over all.  I tried to update my videos but the internet is too slow here to upload so sorry.

Please pray that we will continue to reach out to the students while we see them in the evening, and that we continue to seek after God even now when we have more free time.  Good luck to everyone and God bless.

Post 4 of Mexico

For some reason, Mexico missions got really hard earlier this week, at least for me.  I think I realized my time here is ending it gave me a sense of urgency and dissatisfaction about how I have been conducting myself.  I felt like I could have and should have done so much more than I actually did, especially in terms of sharing the Gospel etc.  In my mind I had planned on just trying to be an older brother and reaching out to the students, but in reality I found myself talking to some of them a couple times but never more than that.  And it was always hard for me to start talking about God.  One thing I’ve learned is once you start it really isn’t that hard.  You ask questions and go from there.  Although I learned that the fact that I don’t speak any Spanish at all does make things a bit harder.

But regardless, I have to admit I’m anxious to go home.  I think being around the same people for this long with a lot of contact during the day is starting to drain me.  I’ve found myself taking longer periods of time just to be alone to recharge and I think it’s just cause I really need alone time.  I don’t know if these last couple sentences made sense, but ya lol.  I’m sure that once I get home, I’m going to be like I wish I was back at Mexico, but my main goal now is to leave with no regrets.

I want to be as open as possible with the students here, at least with the few I feel comfortable enough with.  I briefly shared my testimony with a couple of students, and I think that at least for one of them, we were able to grow to a deeper understanding of each other which was nice, and I was also able to share with a team member who I think could really understand what this student went through better than I.

But on a brighter note, I think I’ve become more dependent on God, and just more aware of how much joy he brings.  Even though all the students here are forced to do QT’s, attend weekly praise nights and bible studies, and of course, attend Sunday services, not all are Christian, which honestly makes sense to me.  I feel like for some students having something exposed a whole bunch of times makes sense and God works, and for others the fact that they have forced exposure creates a sense of respect, but also a sense of is this what I truly believe.  It’s for these students I want to reach out more.

Lol this blog post is all over the place, and it’s long, but I guess because it’s been so long it’s hard for me to keep it short.  If we are fb friends look forward to some videos/pics uploaded when I return to the States.

But in short pray for me to open with students and share with them the greatest thing I can offer, but also pray for my interactions with the team here.  I read an article http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2012/06/recalibrating-your-relational-compass.html that was a remidner about how Jesus is the center of all relationships.  What matters is how people respond to Him and not to me, and that’s something that I have definitely lost sight of.  I find myself getting annoyed at some team members, but pray I finish strong with a prayerful heart and a loving heart.  That’s all, I guess I can give a better update about what I have been doing at a later time hahaha.  Peace out.

One random thing, I introduced a student here to piper and chan which was cool cause we watched it together. J

Day Something, Post 3 about Mexico

This is hard.  I'm not gonna lie.  I'm so happy it's Friday as after teaching I relaxed today and has some much needed alone time.

Now don't get me wrong, I have been learning so much through this trip, it's truly a blessing.  God is amazing as  I see Him in work here in people's hearts and allowing me just to get a glimpse.  God is amazing for letting me be part of His plan, but I feel that something is missing.

In james and hebrews and throughout the bible many of my readings have been about perserverance, and I think that is something God is trying to talk to me about and help to me really focus upon.  How can I help these people on a deeper level?  What does Christ bid me come do? That is the question that I struggle to answer right now, besides just teaching here, which is definitely the biggest time consumer I go through, but I feel like there is more.  Be it through guitar and singing or even just talking, I want to be used in greater ways so that is my prayer.  Would God call me, and I would answer in ways that I can’t even imagine.

Hebrews is a very convicting book for me… I highly recommend going through it slowly if you have not done so, or just even revisiting it.  I’ve ben constantly re-evalutaing myself, and I think it has been helpful to put things in perspective again, and to really see God in His glory present in His word as He reaches out to me.

But ya in effect, I feel like God is calling myself and the team here to so much more than we have been doing.  I just hope that we are able to discern His will and act upon it wholeheartedly.  As we continue to serve please pray for us.  As we seek to find ways to interract with the students on a more personal level, please pray for us.  As we live daily with our bodies getting pushed with fatigue, would God become so much more in our lives.  And would we just continue to burn with this fervor this desire even back home, as we can see how people there are in need as well of God's grace.  Thanks to all who have been praying and the few that have been reading this blog.  Continue to check out the team blog at ichthusmexico2012.wordpress.com for updates from the rest of team. :)

God bless!

First Day of Teaching

So today, things got real here in Mexico.  Last week we got here, and it was mainly orientation/chill time.  We got to meet some students and visit where we are going to help out in the community, etc.  Today, we taught... and it's pretty hard.  I now have mad respect for teachers.  But on a side note, they have like a praise night here every week, which is pretty cool.  And hearing praise songs led in Spanish and with a few English songs is pretty tight, like incredibly beautiful tight.  One side note is that... the girls are louder here and seem to be more invested in the praise if that makes sense, but I've found that to be similar with the several services that I've attended, but perhaps part of the reason is just because of song choice.  There is also some incredibly beautiful scenery here.  Like awesome scenery, only downside so far is the abundance of bugs that are everywhere.

Moving on, teaching is hard man.  The community teaching time is 3 hours and just consumes so much energy, and honestly my mindset is one of why am I even here when I could be reaching out to the kids.  But I need to change my mindset concerning that because God has called me to work in this area as well.  Too often I let myself get jaded concerning work, but I am called to have my life reflect that of Christ to where we reach out to all.  Even as I am currently reading a book, The Cost of Discipleship, I realize that I am selective about what I find joy.  I find so much joy in interracting with the kids even it may be really hard, but with the community I'm just upset that I have to devote so much time to preparing for it.  But ya.... I'm a sinner haha, but God is good and constantly teaching me which is something I definitely need and am glad about.

I also had to help out students that are considered low level or basically they have no English, and it's literally... no English.  That was one of the hardest times I've had communicating with people, but I actually really enjoyed.  This trip has made me really want to learn Spanish just because of this community and these students.  There is a joy found in these people (not to generalize) that I have not been able to find all that time even within the surroundings of my home.  I see a joy similar to the Little Lights staff, and I actually draw a lot of similarities b/t my experience here and there.  One major difference is the involvement with the community, but I guess LIttle Lights is an affluent area that focuses upon a group whereas Ichthus is located in a poor area reaching out to many.

Tomorrow is another long day, where I am woefully unprepared, and I just am going to wing part of my class because I have the lesson plan.  But I will put my hope in the Lord, and from there continue to work here serving God.  My verses of enouragement here are Isaiah 40:30-31.  The pastor here also gave us a verse from Jeremiah, but I have to ask someone about it again.  The staff here are sooo loving. lol.  But good night world, if you read this, please pray for our team here.  We need energy, love, and ultimately the constant reminder of Jesus Christ, which honestly is sometimes lost as we struggle or get tired.

Travel/Mexico Day 1

This is going to be an incredible experience haha.  We started things off with dinner and a sleepover, and we are a very awkward group, but I believe that we are opening up as time goes on, and it's really awesome.  I can already feel bonds forming.  Traveling as honestly... very tiring.  It took us the entire day to get to Ichthus (up at 6:50 a.m., arrived at almost 1:00 a.m.), but there were some beautiful sights along the way.  I got to see what it looks like to see above the clouds which is a beautiful sight.  But I was also able to see mountains poking through the clouds as the sun was setting, and even the various clusters of light in the spotted darkness, which looked nice as well.  God makes lots of beautiful things. :)

Food here has been good so far, and I look forward to our various meals.  But it is definitely going to be an time/energy consuming experience.  More-so than my previous experience, which is pretty much only Little Lights or Habitat for Humanity.  The kids have an incredibly grueling schedule (think old-school Korean school), and I believe they expect similar effort out of us, which isn't wrong, just hard haha.  We have an early morning routine followed by 3 hours of teaching in the community then later on teaching at the Ichthus school, and then teaching supplementary classes or attending Bible studies and similar things.  But even though I can tell it's going to be incredibly challenging, I'm excited about it.  I want to be tested and forced to rely wholly upon God.  The week after beach week, I was a slob.  Like the biggest slob ever.  Reading here and there but basically doing nothing but eating and gaining weight, and playing with my family.  Which was relaxing, but a very sharp distinction the lifestyle that I will have here, but I think that I'm already adjusting well.

The community assignment was different than I expected, as I will be teaching middle aged woman with little to no schooling, whereas I thought I would be helping college students finesse their conversational skills.  Haha, clearly God has different plans for me.  At Ichthus, I will be teaching first year middle school students, which will be interesting, but fun.  For my extra class, I will be using music to help teach English to students which will be lots of fun, mainly disney songs.  I can't deny that the music class excites me the most haha.  I really hope that I can build solid bonds with students here as well as with my group members, which means I need to stop being so isolated, but I guess it's a good sacrifice.  I need to learn to stop being so alone anyways.  Tonight we get to eat Korean food, which is truly a joy of joys.  They have been giving us enough food at meals, but only enough to tide me to the next meal, never full. (maybe i'm just a pig lol.)

But anyways, please pray for me guys.  I'm not that original or good with on the spot things, which is something that we will be doing here a lot.  I also am pretty tired already, and as far as I can tell they don't serve coffee at breakfast or anything, which means no caffeine... lol.  But ya so far I'm still in a good mood, let's hope it continues. :) take care guys!  and if you know someone who needs a place to sublet in july in cville please let me know. peace.

Nuggets of Gold

The Voice Cutris Allen.  A man who's songs never cease to amaze in their truthfulness and power.  For one thing, hip hop and rap has been my go to music lately, but for another thing, I think he really has a powerful grasp of the scripture and shows us what God is revealing to him.

On one note, I definitely failed about keeping my blog up.  It's not like I have that many followers so no biggie, but even something as simple as taking 30 minutes to max an hour to write something was harder than I expected.  Oh well, lesson learned.  I need to be even more responsible with my time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpDDEVLJl-Q&feature=relmfu Contemporary Job
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HXnQ0i4DEY&feature=relmfu Cultural Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBpx8pci2AE&feature=relmfu Why Didn't You Tell Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6imXsEihKA&feature=relmfu Why Should I Care
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jfh9fLEGi2U&feature=relmfu Offended

These are four nuggets of gold that I've found in his music.  Granted I haven't listened to all of it, but these songs really hit me hard.  The first one is a problem I see myself struggling with a lot, and the second one as well.  The third one is straight up, evangelism is crucial.  The 2nd to last song... I think is an honest account of what can happen with evangelism and sharing the Gospel.  And the last song is somewhat comedic, but true about our issues as both Christians and Americans and how being tolerant has become not having different opinions.  Tolerance is no longer about having different opinions, but being willing to accept them; instead it's you are wrong and as such you can't think that anymore, something that DA Carson talked about.

Paul Washer's message was interesting and led to some questions in my mind, but I do recognize and realize that I need to focus more upon the Gospel.  Constantly God is reminding me of how I need to just soak in the message of the Gospel.  Ya, it was a very powerful message...

Regardless thought I would share some really inspirational and powerful music that I've found.  On a side note, I'm constantly reminded of how I don't confront others in a loving manner.  I'm very blunt to the point of just being offensive, which I would argue has it's place, but I think that too often I don't do anything in a loving manner.  I can think of lots of reasons why I do it, and I can almost justify it in my mind, but I believe that in reality Jesus calls us to rebuke in a more loving manner than my first impulse is.  I tend to just act without thinking, which leads to potentially bad consequences.  so if you read this, can you please pray for me that I would be more edifying in my speech and actions?  Thanks.  Hope whoever reads this is doing well.

Peace

I saw my picture, and I looked so different...

This is how I originally planned this blog post, but today I once again talked to Chris Liu, received advice and picked at his brain and was once again reminded of the importance of the Gospel.  Often times it's easy for me to stress out about things.  I try to go through almost every scenario in my head without actually doing anything... it's sorta ridiculous in all honesty.  It causes unnecessary stress and pain, and it often distracts me from my Lord.  Yes, Lord as in master, a term which has a negative connotation, but in reality it shouldn't. However, that's a side discussion, my point is Jesus is the foundation for everything.

If this doesn't make sense/you don't agree, please talk to me.  I would love to understand you better, and hopefully not only share my view but learn more so I can further develop myself.  But my point is, peace comes from God.  Security comes from God.  The reason I strive to do good is for God, but at no point should that become the focus of my actions.  The point is not to do good and show God, it's I love you God and here is my meager offering.  God can and will use all things for His glory, and I need to be open to that.  So I thank Chris for constantly stressing Jesus while giving me advice, but ultimately I give my thanks to God.  As foolish, as dumb, and as much of a sinner as I am, I thank you.  I pray that you continue to be my foundation in all things.

Age

Sometimes I feel far older than I really am, like I prematurely aged or something haha.  And maybe I'm just pessimistic and fatalist or something.  I look at the first years, and I realize I can't laugh like that anymore or at least as often.  I find myself looking at a lot of things completely different from the way I used to.  I think I've grown to enjoy talking less and just sitting more, but I have also gotten more impatient, so I'm not sure how that balances out haha.

I guess what I'm saying is... I feel old.  So old that I wonder about a lot of things.  I guess it's time to take the future more seriously.  Where will I go, what do I do, etc.  I have vague impressions/hopes, but I think I need to finalize them more.  I see a lot of my friends who are doing crazy things with their lives, and part of me is happy for them, part of me is jealous, but overall I think I'm sort of content with my life.  I know that a lot of things that they have done are things that I would not have done.  But I do find myself looking back a lot and thinking I wish I could change this or that, which is unhealthy for the most part.

Honestly, I feel too old to even be in my class haha.  But I guess in my actions I'm still a little boy... hence my blog title.  Regardless, it's time to continue to grow up, but grow up in Christ.  I've accepted the fact that I won't be rich, and part of me is happy about it.  I think if I was rich... my walk with Christ would nose dive, but who knows maybe I will be rich and actually be a good steward of the wealth provided by God, probably not though haha.  Rambling.... so night world!

Sleep

I have to admit that I love sleep.  So much in fact, I think I've gotten to the point where I just don't value anything.  It's hard for me to want to do work and even focus.  I thought I'd be asleep a couple hours ago, but clearly.... I'm not.  Today, I have nothing incredible to share.  James Kang taught me today which was fun, and I realized I need to get over this excessive awkwardness I feel in front of other people.  But yes, I'm too tired so I shall sleep.  I guess this is a fail at my everyday this week post something, but goodnight world.

On one side note, I think I've grown to appreciate coffee more and more as time goes on.  Should I celebrate, or consider myself old.... I know not. Haha.  Peace out.

One Struggle

Today, coming up with something isn't that hard.  Honestly... I wish I was asleep, but I want to do this. lol.

I struggle with... sharing.  I can share to an extent.  I can be open to an extent.  But there is a certain level where it's hard for me.  But with shame it's one thing, but then asking others to hear my pain is another.  I always feel like I'm being a burden.  I know these people have their own problems to deal with, so I'm like I shouldn't bother.  Or they are busy or tired, so I decide not to share.  And sometimes it's just the simple fact that I'm too tired.  Regardless, I constantly come up with excuses.  Even people I'm close to, they know me to a certain level.

There a lot of things that I keep confidential in reality, and I think I try to hide behind the excuse of it's between God and me.  And yes, I call it an excuse because if I can't be completely honest with other people at all, how sure can I be that I'm being completely honest with God?  Of course God knows everything, but that doesn't absolve me of being honest or not being honest with Him.  Also, that isn't to say that I'm not being as honest as I can with God, but I've learned that sometimes the people you share with can probe you in ways that you didn't think about, and open new dimensions to your train of thought.

I've always struggled with how I thought that people felt like they couldn't be open with me.  I've always wanted to be an older figure that someone could look up to, partly yes, because of pride (which is definitely wrong), but also because I do want to share and help people on a more personal level.  I enjoy general serving for the most part, but I genuinely love more personal relationships/mentoring.  I think that's why I love talking to older brothers because they have so much to offer.

But perhaps because people can inherently sense this wall that I've created, they don't want to open up.  Maybe, I'm just being dumb haha.

But I digress.  I think I need to be more honest with other people, especially if I ask that of them.  I want to help others, but I don't want to be helped.  What kind of dumb logic is that?  But it's the logic I often follow.  So this is my prayer request/hope/honest statement, I'm a closed individual, and I want to be more open, I'm just scared.  Scared of hurting others, but also of being hurt.

But I believe that the Gospel is a message of not being scared, so I hope I can be more open.  To any that read this, hold me accountable.  Just be aware... that for some people I'm not going to say as much, but I'll try.

Frisbeee

Blogging everyday is harder than I thought... I assumed I could think of something but clearly I can't.  On a positive note, my room remains clean, and I did the dishes again today! Yes! Haha.

Perhaps, I shall talk about sports, more specifically Frisbee.  This is my favorite sport, but maybe too much so. I think I have gotten better about being a better sport, but I definitely still struggle with it.  I expect a lot of people when playing, but I've been playing so badly it's hard for me to say anything haha.  Sports are fun though.  It's good exercise, stress relieving, bonding time, but sometimes I do worry about at what expense.  I have people tell me they have tests and stuff, and I hope they realize that the sport is not that important.  Sure, I love winning, who doesn't?  And when I lose, I always dang it, we could have won if we did x, y, and z.  I think this is an okay attitude, but I hope that no one over values the sport.  I am definitely guilty of it.  I would rather play than do school work.  I would rather practice than study.  I think I would rather do an forms of exercise rather than work...

But, if sports ever interfere with your walk with God, don't come.  This is something that I have to remind myself daily.  Especially since I am in charge of the men's frisbee team.  I know we try to pray before and after games, and we try to play with good spirits and enjoy the other team's company, but if one's personal walk is failing, I would rather lose every game and that they recover in their walk.  Granted.... losing every game would suck.  So I would like to know reasons for not coming to games, but if one's relationship with God is failing or school is not doing so well, don't come.  Sure you want to, but don't come.  Or at the bare minimum, work harder so you can come to play (in terms of school).

My little advice for others, but also a huge reminder for myself.  Why am I alive?  To glorify God.  Can I glorify Him through sports?  Yes, I believe so.  But that should never be an excuse to not seek Him because He is the reason for my existence, not a sport that I can't even play for UVA, let alone past college.  Sigh.... the limitations of one's physical abilities/limitations of the sport not being beyond college as an occupation.  Haha, clearly I have been called to other areas, which I hopefully can discover soon.

On a side note, my sleeping has been suffering for some reason, so please pray for me.

Simple Joys

I think I'm going to try to blog about something semi-meaningful everyday at least for this week just to see what it's like and see if it's actually worth it.  Am I actually talking about meaningful things or not?  That is the question.

Today I was reminded of many little joys.  One being cleanliness.  I am a dirty person.  Not in terms of my body that much, but in terms of my room.  It's normally filthy, although today I cleaned it and I have to admit it looks nice.  Yes it can look nicer, but it is a good step one in my opinion.  It makes my room feel so much more welcoming and peaceful.  I think there are times when I definitely enjoy working out in the living room, but sometimes I need my room.  For example if people come over, and I need to work, there is no reason for me to get that annoyed when I can just go to my room.  But if my room is too dirty to go into... that sounds like a problem. Haha.  So ideally.... I can keep my room at least semi-clean and organized.

I also did dishes for the first time in a long time.  I got into this bad habit of expecting others to do it, or even just putting it off until it was unbearable (aka a huge, ginormous pile).  But I realized, that seeing a clean sink is a very nice feeling.  It just gives a sense of well being, although if only this pollen would hurry up and stop so I could actually feel well.

Another small joy today was hanging out with people.  I've noticed how I basically don't hang out, at all.  I skip wahooru's every week because I have work due by midnight, and somehow I'm so busy during Friday that I can't do it earlier.  Granted sometimes I am, but normally I just waste time somehow.  So seeing people besides my roommates and the typical Clarke Ct. crowd was nice.  I think because I've been spending so much time by myself, I have been promoting rather emo tendencies.  Of course I do need to analyze myself and  such, but I also need to have fun.  Or at least... I should work harder if I'm gonna be by myself.  But I often forget that it's fun to hang out with people, even if it is annoying at times.

I think this is good for the second day in a row.  Lessons learned: cleaning isn't fun, but being around cleanliness is, and people are fun.  Not that I thought people weren't fun... just... I dunno lol. Anyways...that is all.

Broken Friendships

Today, Chris Liu shared about the Gospel in a refreshing way to help bring life not only to non-Christians, but also to those that are Christians and have lost site of the joy in it.  It was good, and I definitely appreciated it because it's a reminder that I definitely need often.  I always get wrapped up in laws and such, and forgot about the pure joy, the love, the grace all from Jesus Christ.

But, as I listened to this, and I reflected just now, I was reminded of brokenness.  Not only my brokenness, but the many ways I've broken friendships.  Please allow this indulgence of self-pity/regret.  I look back, and I see so many friendships that have ended from lack of effort on my part.  From stupid mistakes or just lack of a loving heart.  In my mind, I can only berate myself.  Pastor Byung talked about how when forgiveness occurs, it occurs at the expense of one of the parties involved.  And that really hit me.  Repentance is always a good thing, but does repentance lead to healing for the other person as well?  I mean I guess that's something I shouldn't worry about right?  It's in God's hands.  This is one sense a source of comfort, but how often do I just use it as a means of making myself feel better, of a scapegoat?  I honestly have to say I don't know.  I wish I understood myself better.  I wish I could look at myself and point out reasons that clearly explain my actions.  Too often I have no idea, or I think I understand and then later on I realize that I'm just confused.  But in the end, I don't want someone to have to suffer, get the short end of the stick because of me.  Maybe this pride, and not concern at all.  Pride in the fact that I shouldn't have even made them suffer, and I only can forgive not them...but it's sorta ridiculous to think like that.

I guess in the end, this is my apology to all those I have wronged, granted almost none of these people will probably read this, but I am sorry.  Haha, the funny thing is that I'll probably go through this once again.  A time where I am furstrated at myself, sad, bewildered, and I'll probably apologize again, but by then I guess I'll have more reasons for it.

I just pray and hope that the people I have wronged, can forgive me, and ultimately find peace in God.  I don't understand people that say they have no regrets in life.  I think it's really awesome if you can say that, although I'm sure those people have some really dumb decisions but who knows.  Sidetracked... lol.  I do hope that everyone will come to know Jesus and that I can be an instrument for God.  Too often I look at the world and can only see brokenness, but there's beauty as well, I just need to look with God's eyes.

Little Lights Part 2

It's already been a week since Little Lights, and I have many mixed feelings.  I wish I was still at Little Lights.  the entire time I was studying for my exams this week, I struggled with how can this be important.  What is the importance of these tests, when I could be serving at Little Lights?  But for me, one thing is being satisfied in the small things.  I have a purpose here at UVA, and even studying can be used to glorify God, but it's so hard in light of the service trip.  But another problem is that I need to be careful not to place so much of who I am in my works.  Just because I was there and serving does not make me more worthy of God or His grace.  I struggle with this a lot.  So yes, serving there was an incredible blessing.  But, being here is also a place to be a servant of God, and I need to fully embrace that.

But going back to Little Lights, I still feel so blessed by the trip.  Little Lights doesn't have videos like Hana sadly... the videos are in my head.  Haha.  For one of my classes, I have chosen to receive counseling weekly for 6 weeks.  So far it's been really interesting, but today my counselor closed our discussion with talking about how an error that many people commit, is that we look at the outside of people and compare that to the our inside.  As in, there are times when I say look at how happy those people are, why can't I be more like that.  Or these people seem to have it all together, and I say why can't I be the same.  But in reality, I don't know about their internal struggles or lack of struggles unless I ask.  I might look at someone and be like, dang so holy, but maybe they are struggling and in need of someone just to talk to them.  (Hopefully this makes sense.)

To bring that back to Little Lights, as stated before the staff shared a lot about their testimonies, and why they serve.  For me, I was looking at their outside as servants and assumed man these people are super busy, and stressed, but they seem to be happy, why can't I happy like that.  But I learned so much more about them, like their daily struggles, why they strive so hard, and even learned about the struggles of the kids.  Being able to understand more of their inside makes all the difference.  Now they are people that I feel like I can approach, not just overseers that I report to.  Haha.

In closing, I honestly wish I was still serving there.  Everyday I felt like, God I'm doing this for you.  The desperation I felt for God then was so powerful, but already I have begun to become complacent.  Already, I take things for granted, and I struggle to seek God faithfully.  But, I find myself taking heart for some reason.  I feel almost encouraged by this struggle because I want to take it on.... haha.  No I'm not a masochist, but every time I struggle, I feel the grace of God working, and I come out stronger.  So yes in many ways, I am still riding the high of Spring Retreat and Spring Service trip, but more than that, I have come back to the foundation in Christ.  Christ... is greater than anything in this world, and when I take the time to reflect on this, to really remember, the peace and joy I receive is unmatched by anything.  Although.... winning frisbee is fun. haha.

Alright this is all over the place, but in closing.  Little Lights is awesome.  Jesus is more awesome.  I need to take joy in serving here in whatever ways I can.  Just because I can specifically say I served at Little Lights does not make it greater in God's eyes than serving Him faithfully everyday here.  I hope everything makes sense, and if I said anything wrong please correct me.  Hope you all are doing well.

Little Lights (Part 1, hopefully more to come)

Today, driving home by myself from Charlottesville, I took some time to really reflect, and pray out to God.  This past week was full of stress, annoyance, exhaustion, and once again sickness (thankfully just a fever for a couple days).  But God worked in ways that I still can't fully comprehend.  I want to try to attempt to unpack a lot of it, but we'll see how well I do.

Our group was random in many ways, and composed of people I could say hi to, but nothing beyond that.  Oh, how things changed.  Now, I feel really tight with you guys, and for me, it's so cool!  Biggg yes! (LOL)  But seriously, our group in of itself was a blessing, and if I offended any of you at times please forgive me.  I count all of you as really close friends, and I want to meet up with you guys post trip.  I'm sitting at home right now, glad that I can relax, but still wishing I was with all of you.  I think it took me a couple days to really open up, so the fact that the trip seemed to end so quickly made me sad.  I feel like even the Tech team was sort of random, but we got to bond with them as well.  Praise be to God.

Moving on, this year by far was the best year of serving at Little Lights for me.  One reason is my desperation for God before this trip and during this trip.  This time I took on the actual role of a leader as opposed to last year, where I feel like Jenn did almost everything, and I realized how hard it is.  Mad props to all leaders, it's not easy.  Things went wrong, or miscommunications occurred, but then God worked and all my fears were put to rest.  Despite all Spak and I did, God was the one who made it work.  To be used by Him is a true blessing.  During this trip, I felt like a strict parent sometimes as I tried to enforce certain rules and punctuality, but I hope that everyone took it in the right way.
For me, first year seemed to be more of the eye opening experience, that touched me but didn't rock me.  Second year was when I began to have my eyes and heart opened, but I think because my walk with God was undergoing a long dry spell it was hard for me to focus and see God.  This year, I was floored.  I wept on the car ride back for the people of Potomac Gardens and Little Lights.  I saw God's love and His hand moving in ways I never before saw.  Little Lights expanded in new ways with a family center and providing part-time work for residents.  The staff shared more of their testimonies this year, and I saw their hearts crying out to God for these people.  You could see the bags under their eyes, but daily they smiled and showed love.  I saw kids I had seen for the past couple of years still in Little Lights, and I was so happy about it.  Sure they forgot me, but it was okay to me. lol.

To be honest, I'm not really sure to address everything else.  Lol.  My request is that everyone would really pray for Little Lights and Potomac Gardens, and possibly donate.  They are having a fundraiser in September where if a lot of people donate to them, they get extra money, which would be really helpful.  Also most of the members of the Little Lights team should have a can (I'll hand them out on Friday Large Group to people) to collect change for Little Lights as well.  If any of you guys are in NOVA during the summer and have time, I would highly recommend that you volunteer if you can.

I think there's so much more that I want to talk about, but this is a beginning, and it's probably easier for me to talk in person.