Key West Day 3

Last night here. Our flight is late tomorrow so I won't get back to Virginia till post midnight, but today was actually a lot of fun.

Did this thing where they drive you out on this big boat in the ocean and they have all kinds of activities set up there, and it was... a lot of fun. More than I expected. Took me a bit to fully adjust to the fact that I was constantly rocking, but it was fun.

Got to snorkel at a shipwreck (don't get the wrong idea, it was a small one, not a crazy wooden one, but a steel one from the 40's ish.) Went knee-boarding, which was surprisingly a lot of fun. Made me want to try wake-boarding... but way too expensive. Need a boat, which would be cool... but will never happen, let's be real.

Also, went jet skiing, and got in trouble for going outside of the area, unintentionally, but oh wellz lol. I have an official boating license for FL that lasts one year, which is pretty cool.

Ya... more thinking, but nice day. And... now I'm in a dilemma for my camera haha. Get the body only... or get it with a kit lens and battery grip. Plus side of the kit lens and battery pack, is that I could sell them both and get the body for cheaper. Or I could keep them and enjoy them both. But then they are more expensive. And the battery grip is included... but even as I write this out I realize how dumb this sounds. It makes sense to just buy the body at least for me. I don't want to go to the work of selling, and I can't justify the extra money for a lens I don't really want at least for now. And the battery grip is definitely not necessary. Glad that's cleared up. Sorry... if you're reading this, then you just went through part of my thought process. Gonna buy refurbished, and hope it works out.

Also... the job is official. Supposed to get the offer next week. Finally... got the email from HR. Thankfully. And hopefully it's not what I expect. But moving on... I think I like activities where you glide or slide or something. You feel so free..., but the ultimate freedom only comes from God.

Oh, got a cool postcard from the Hemingway Museum yesterday, I don't even want to use it haha. It's like a photograph for super cheap. That's all... peace. I had some more stuff but forgot... lol.

EDIT: I remember something.
satan's favorite word the truth... but it's not that easy.
the end also another good article... my desire. but needs to be manifested all the more in my daily life.

Key West Day 2

Today was a chill day.

Had the best sushi I've ever had though for lunch. Best meal here so far. Everything is overpriced, but this came closest to fulfilling the price. Had the coolest way of serving the sashimi, where it was in a cup with a lighted cube, and it was placed in another cup that had dry ice it. So cool... haha. And so good.

On the other hand... not the brightest day ever. Still lots of thinking. I realized... part of me disappeared. The part of me that was happy and acted in a straightforward fashion. Less thinking and planning, enjoying life, more child-like. Now I feel like it only shows up when I play sports. No I'm not bi-polar... or am I? jkjk. But it's been on my mind..
Gowe- First Flight
"my self esteem is gone and i've been trying to relive it 
if you see it - could you give it, if its hurt - could you kiss it
cause i never gave it time - to tell it it could do it
or to pat it on the back when it came back to me shattered"

These lyrics click with how I've been thinking/feeling. All in all, it's a really good song though. Recommend you listen to it.

But ya... not trying to be a downer or anything, just been on my mind. Actually a lot of things flowing through my mind. Ugh...

Am I thinking too much, or am I not thinking enough? Or am I just being stupid? Prob... more of the latter.

There's freedom in Christ. Yes... there definitely is. And life is about learning more of that. Not about what I can do, or what I will do. I just wish... life was easier but who doesn't.

Key West is a beautiful place, but... I wish... I was with my wife... hahahahhaha. If I have one... but ya. Oh well. 

Dang there's so much inside of me that needs to get out or resolved... sigh.

Actually another cool thing that happened today was I got to go to Ernest Hemingway's house. And it was interesting. It's pretty, learned more about an author that I really like, and saw 6 toed cats haha. Apparently writing for him was therapeutic for him, and it's how he coped with his depression and other things. Sad thing, he had four wives cause he kept divorcing... sigh. But ya his life was interesting, read about it if you are bored.

Dude... I'm watching high school musical 2 (with the golf course?) with my brother... and it's making me sad/emotional omg. I'm so out of it hahaha... peace out guys. Supposed to have a busy day tomorrow, so hopefully that will take my mind off of things. And maybe if I just have a day... where I just am alone that will help later on. I'm not even that deep or good at reasoning/thinking... haha what a farce I am.

Actually forgot to post my most recent favorite songs. By Phil Wickham :)
Phil Wickham- My Heaven Song One of... the beautiful songs I've recently found.
Phil Wickham- Sun and Moon My hope... like really my hope.
Phil Wickham- Cielo A beautiful expression of love/adoration/humility/etc.

EDIT:
The Ernest Hemingway house has a beautiful for a wedding. Should anyone be interested.

First Day in Key West

So... my family took me to key west, fl for a family vacation/graduation present. no i was not expecting this, but it's nice. in one sense... i would have taken the money, but the gesture is appreciated, and it's actually pretty cool here. imagine old timey city set by the ocean.

i already got my one piece of memorabilia, but what's funny is that those pennies with the name of the vacation spot are everywhere. they have them here too. but got a hat instead, doesn't even say key west, but i know so that's good enough for me.

it's expensive here, and my family got a sick deal on this ridiculously beautiful suite (like makes u appreciate good architecture style haha), pictures will prob come eventually.

i dunno, life is chill for me. i signed up for several online courses cause they were discounted, and started one. trying to do a couple lessons a day, and assignments for the class will start soon. the funny thing though, is that since i'm actively choosing this, i'm enjoying it more. somehow... college was just not good in terms of school motivation for me. if you are interested... i'm going to learn database related code. and maybe take some random certification exams, why? cause i want a different job haha and hopefully these things will help.

one crazy thing about home... i gain weight so freaking fast here. but on the flip side, i'm gonna be a money pincher while i'm working at least in regards to myself, so gain the fat now to lose it later haha.

vacations... give me down time to think about things i've been putting off to post graduation... but still no resolutions man. still nothing.

but i'm taking the class again, and reading more, hopefully both things stick. and once i finally score a good deal on a camera, i will be taking lots o photos. prob very few posted, but many taken unless i get sick nasty. gonna do most without processing or very minimal though. eventually get someone (a student) to buy photoshop for me or something lol.

i had a lot of deep (or at least what i think is deep) stuff on my mind, but will postpone that to another time. i hope whoever is reading this is well, and seeking the Lord. ya... really do that second one.

Camera

Actually... re-debating camera choice lol. If I get a Nikon... I can use lenses on both the film and digital slr, which to be honest is very enticing. Dunno why, Canon chose not to find a way to do that... lame.

But after hours upon hours of research for the past couple days, I think I'm going to get a Leica M3 at some point. It's called a rangefinder film camera, super hipster, but... super cool haha. Sadly ridic expensive, so maybe one day when I get a new job it will be my gift to myself. Film is just more solid than digital (duh) but something about that quality is very nice. But regardless, this is an expensive hobby... and the only real plus of Canon over Nikon DSLR is canon lenses go on sale more often haha. And my stepdad. Although I wouldn't get that many lenses, I don't think I can warrant that unless I make money off of it (which won't happen). So why not get nikon then? Debates upon debates.

But cameras are incredibly fascinating. I understand why people find them so cool now. I just wish I did earlier in life.

I have an update on some good songs, but that is to come in the future.

EDIT: 10:58 pm same day
Just realized how dumb I am. I want a DSLR cause it's a DSLR end of story. If I get the film it will be that Leica cause it has something that DSLR don't have. Maybe I'll get a film slr in the long future for the heck of it. But prob not. Lol. At least, it was fun researching them though. The power of washing one's face and brushing teeth. It refreshes you and makes you realize stuff haha.

What Up

So... I haven't given myself time to wax fully in nostalgia. (if that makes sense)

I know... I'm going to hurt with regret, and my incredible stupidity. I know... I'm going to smile at the good times as well. I've had my share of both, and... in the end, glad I went through it. Not all, but most haha. God is good.

One of the most encouraging things, my mom has a bible verse in her signature for her professional email, sayyyy whattttt?????? Praise be to God. Forreal. Made me smile a lot.

Second... I'm an unofficial townie. Soon to be official hopefully. Will be working for the traditional company of C'ville and GCF alums, but hopefully not too long. Pluses and minuses to this, but overall glad I just have a job (still unofficial, as in haven't gotten the word from HR just an inside source ;) ).

But ya... in a dilemna of recognizing I need to cut down hobbies, but not sure how to do it. I found an elec amp for relatively cheap today, which is basically the amp I wanted but the step down... but I really want to get a DSLR, and the best way to get it is... by selling my elec. Literally one hobby becomes the other. Of course keeping acoustic cause it's my baby/joy, but pictures are beautiful. So I guess, not really a dilemna now, but it is sad. To say goodbye to my electric at some point... makes me sad. But I think getting a nice camera that I'm not borrowing and my own lens will be fun! I've already got it picked out for the most part.

Prob not going the nikon route... because my step-dad uses canon, and honestly, it'd be cool if we could swap lenses and stuff. Cute and simple way for bonding, which we don't really have all to often. (I know right, look at me thinking for once).

But ya... I think I'm still nervous cause I want that email from the company to confirm, but all is well I guess. I came home and will be with my fam for a weekish before returning to cville... for good (omg.... for good). And it's nice. Just babysitting for now, then FL with fam, which I guess will be nice.

Still no revelation though guys. Almost cried on the way home, but blasted music and prayed instead haha, but I'll cry eventually. Lots o crying man. But now what? Job? Study on my own? Frisbee? Guitar? Photography? Friends? Start talking to people again that haven't talked to for so long? Contact old family? Find new church?

Lots of things to think about. Very few that will get done. Also I was reminded of how hard it is to find a place. Been searching for a single in C'ville cause... I want to live alone, but it's annoying, and now I have to visit them all to see if I like them enough. But for now sublet June and go from there.

Now why does this post seem happier than it should, or at least my opinion of it should? Cause... I'm pushing off my sorrow for a time, when I can truly deal with it over the course of a day (or maybe just wallow?) haha who knows. All I know is... life goes on. People like to use the analogy of new chapters, even I have. But it really doesn't feel like it, it just flows man. Flows... regardless of how one feels.

Life

It's been two days since I graduated... and nothing has changed really. I don't feel any different. I don't feel any better. In fact, I feel weaker. I feel more lost. I feel more... disastisfied with myself. This is due to a plethora of things, but that's life right?

I dunno how I feel these days. I'm super lazy. I mean I'm enjoying myself by having day trips and stuff, but still....

Honestly. I should probably put a more complete post up, but I'm starting to feel super nervous about my interview tomorrow. It's like my last chance... at SNL haha. But I want a job, and I'm open to C'ville. Like when I'm nervous my legs do that bouncing thing, and normally I can stop myself without a problem, but I can't stop...

I'm that nervous. I really want a job, but I need to rest in God more. I need to do so many things. But honestly... it's not about what I do. I feel like it's about what God does and resting in God. And resting in God, loving Him, causes the changes... too often I fall into the trap of religiosity. Regardless... pretty much read everything about the position that I'm applying for that I can, so we'll just see what happens... but still nervous as heck. The company has bad reviews. Not best pay... but honestly I just want the experience and something to survive off. I plan on learning some SQL and SAS and stuff while working, which should make getting the next job easier. But we'll see.... baby steps.

Random Finals thoughts

Today is just one of those days, where I'm studying hard (yes it's rare), but in the back of my head are the reminders of all my failures. They swarm around me, and once again I find myself questioning so many things. God when will this all just end? When can I finally have peace? When will I stop screwing everything up? When... will I just die? I think that's my greatest desire these days. Yes, I want to see my family. Yes, I want to see my brother grow up. Yes, I want to see how my friends change. Yes, I want to get married. Yes, I want to have a child that I can hold, cherish, and play with. Yes... life has so many things. But I just want to move on.
Heaven Song- Phil Wickham

But to be honest, most of my motivation is just cause I'm so sick and tired of myself. I think the past couple months, I've gotten better, but also in part just been lying to myself so I feel better. So I feel more joyful. But I'm just sick of everything. Yes, a lot of this pride. Pride because I think I can be better (the reality is I can). I have this image of who I want to be. I have this image man... but I won't ever reach it. In the end that's all it is. A vision, a dream... nothing with substance, nothing that will ever be.

But then sometimes you come across a musician who's a freaking master. He reaches beyond just notes, but instead actually touches the heart. The song below did that to me. I feel like one reason I like hip-hop esque beats more is because the back-beat is constant, and reminds you that everything keeps on flowing. But this song just tells a story, at least for me, and it gives me hope. Of course... God should be the only source of hope. But sometimes songs... just speak so much. A reminder that ya, have you're sad moments, but then just get back and do what you can. As far off as I feel from God so often... I just gotta do what I can.
Sunset Song / Hidetake Takayama

Hope the song helps you study if you are studying. Hope whatever you are doing... life is going well, and if not, I'm sorry.

On a brighter note, I have two phone interviews coming up. One for a teaching fellowship in Philly, downside is it's gonna cost me money before I make any :(, and one for SNL in cville lol. I need to apply to more, but the next three days are super work mode, so I guess after that.

Somedays

Somedays... you don't get anything done, and it's frustrating. but part of the issue is that you just want to cry and forget about everything that you've done wrong. you just want to cry... and wake up and see it's a dream. but instead you do things to keep you busy and from thinking, but sadly, none of that makes a difference.

in the end... life goes on. today i had one of those days. when left to my own thoughts, i could only feel an overwhelming feeling to cry.

but Jesus redeems all. and from there i continue to plod every step of the way, hoping one day i will be running with joy.