Random Finals thoughts

Today is just one of those days, where I'm studying hard (yes it's rare), but in the back of my head are the reminders of all my failures. They swarm around me, and once again I find myself questioning so many things. God when will this all just end? When can I finally have peace? When will I stop screwing everything up? When... will I just die? I think that's my greatest desire these days. Yes, I want to see my family. Yes, I want to see my brother grow up. Yes, I want to see how my friends change. Yes, I want to get married. Yes, I want to have a child that I can hold, cherish, and play with. Yes... life has so many things. But I just want to move on.
Heaven Song- Phil Wickham

But to be honest, most of my motivation is just cause I'm so sick and tired of myself. I think the past couple months, I've gotten better, but also in part just been lying to myself so I feel better. So I feel more joyful. But I'm just sick of everything. Yes, a lot of this pride. Pride because I think I can be better (the reality is I can). I have this image of who I want to be. I have this image man... but I won't ever reach it. In the end that's all it is. A vision, a dream... nothing with substance, nothing that will ever be.

But then sometimes you come across a musician who's a freaking master. He reaches beyond just notes, but instead actually touches the heart. The song below did that to me. I feel like one reason I like hip-hop esque beats more is because the back-beat is constant, and reminds you that everything keeps on flowing. But this song just tells a story, at least for me, and it gives me hope. Of course... God should be the only source of hope. But sometimes songs... just speak so much. A reminder that ya, have you're sad moments, but then just get back and do what you can. As far off as I feel from God so often... I just gotta do what I can.
Sunset Song / Hidetake Takayama

Hope the song helps you study if you are studying. Hope whatever you are doing... life is going well, and if not, I'm sorry.

On a brighter note, I have two phone interviews coming up. One for a teaching fellowship in Philly, downside is it's gonna cost me money before I make any :(, and one for SNL in cville lol. I need to apply to more, but the next three days are super work mode, so I guess after that.