Photography

Maybe the reason why I like taking pictures so much, is because you can take a picture of someone and attempt to paint a whole picture of them. I can imagine what kind of person they are, what family they have etc. All in one picture. And it’s this incredible story, and in the end… it’s all a lie.

The mechanical quality of the old cameras from the 1900's have a quality about them. Pure... beauty. Cold, automatic, refined, clean, beautiful, long lasting, effiency. Digital cameras not quite so much but in terms of quickness in seeing the pics many times better. One beautiful aspect of is... what I've said before. The appeal of an automaton. Emotionless.

For other things... work… you get it done. Exercise, do it and results guaranteed. Sports… try hard to lose yourself in it. People? I study I analyze, I involve but only so much. God? The one I need the most. Me? Wanting to delve and understand but unable to. You the reader? Don’t concern yourself too much with me. My writings and my thoughts are my own. You are reading only because I'm a coward and secretly I want people to read and understand me a little better, but I'm too afraid to really admit it to more than a handful of people.

The Pharisee and the Tax Collector (Luke 18) - Slam Poetry

Not all... but parts of this click man very very hard. IK shared it with me, and posted it on his blog. Found here: Lifegives 

I’m a harbinger of doom. By the time I try to make amends, it’s too late. By the time I realize… what I can do to help it’s too late. I’ve already crossed that line. I’ve already done too much damage. Haha. Life man... well my life. I honestly hope yours is better. Eff me man. Haha. I say that a lot you know. "haha." Or if you talk to me I might smirk some when it's not appropriate. Why? Because internally I'm dying. I'm squirming. You aren't allowed to see me cry, to see what I go through. So I cover it all with that, it's how I cope. Someone told me it's creepy. And ya... it is. I laugh cause of the ridiculousness of the situation. Of how... even dark things are laughable. Laughable cause they confirm self-evident truths of sin. Laughable because... it is. Maybe you don't understand. That's good. You aren't a cynic. You aren't... twisted like me. Well maybe you are, and you're just healthier than me. That's also good.

Or maybe I'm just a sadist. Or a masochist? Maybe that's it. Maybe I enjoy the pain that I cause because I use it to twist myself and break me down and hurt me and more and more. I mean that's what I did when I daydreamed when I was in middle school. I would make up stories where I was the character. And he'd suffer and suffer, until I cried on his behalf. Haha. So that at least someone was crying and cared. But in the end what does it matter? It was all fake anyway, and I'd return to the real world. But maybe that pain, is what reminds me that I'm alive.

Conflict: Hope and despair? White and black? Light and darkness? Life and death? Good and evil? (I don't really believe in dichotomies that are defined so clearly, but it's helpful for framework)

The thing I long for the most... is death. That sweet kiss that promises delivery from this world and into another. Hopefully... the eternity that promises life as opposed to the eternal hell that I deserve.

I wonder... how much of myself do I really know? But I know where hope comes from. I know where truth comes from. I know where goodness comes from. And so rises another conflict Freedom or Chains?

Deep Stuff (but not really)

"Do what your heart can handle."

Haha random quote from a friend. But I think it's deep. It's also hard because how much can my heart handle? I wish I knew...

Do you believe that people not blood related can be family? I do. Do you believe even if they are the opposite gender? Yes? I hesitate with that, but I do believe it's possible. But I guess that's a point people disagree with. Because I don't believe in having friends of the opposite gender that are best friends. And yet... I'm sure not the only one that believes that people not blood related, regardless of gender can become family. So what's the line? Interesting, ain't it? Unless of course you don't think it's possible out of the conditions of adoption or something. So maybe this question is just interesting for me and not you then. There are people I feel closer to than my actual blood relatives, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who thinks that. Does blood even mean anything? I mean ideally, aren't we all part of the family of Christ?

I listened to a sermon (more like a hodgepodge of different things) that Francis Chan gave. He talks about how an ex-gang member joined the church (everyone loves those stories don't they?) but there was an issue, he thought the church would have his back like the gang would. That they would be with him through think and thin, but they weren't/he most certainly didn't feel that way. So he left.

Francis goes further and mentions how he was talking to his elders one day, and they were like man if you died I would take care of your family. That's no joke either, they meant it. And they were like we all got each other essentially, so they cancelled their life insurance because they knew their brothers/sisters would step in and help.

And then in part of he talks about church is not about some building or location, it's the people. Duh right? Yet... based on those two cases he mentioned it's not a duh thing. It's a something is gravely off thing. How many people have gone to churches where instead of feeling like family they felt like an outsider? I have. I went to several churches randomly when I was young before I became a Christian and never felt welcome. Finally through God's grace I found one. Ideally though... we would act like a family brothers and sisters.

But sometimes when I see fellowships and churches that are standoff-ish, it's sad. And I believe lack of effort or apathy here is the same as saying you don't really care about them.

It's just sad. Cause... I contribute to the terrible tainting and twisting of church. Good thing there is grace. That was said tongue in cheek partially, but in all reality. Good thing there is grace.

Actually I remember another story he mentioned. A younger man gave an older man his kidney. Didn't know him. Just met him cause he volunteered to drive him to get his dialysis done.

These are images of church. Not that building. Not that praise team. Not that preacher. Not that ministry. We are the body, we are the church. I think it's time we own up to it.

God give me and us the strength to love. To give. To suffer with joy. Give Your church the ability to express Jesus. Let Jesus not only be our Savior but who we strive to emulate.

Another thing I still haven't forgotten another thing that Francis said. We often love Jesus as our Savior, but we don't really want to be like him.

Why so much Francis? Cause I need a break from super theological or philosophical to where you can just see pure joy, not perfect, but striving. I also need a break from reading dense banking stuff that I only half understand. Haha. But seriously... let's stop twisting church into our ideals, and let it be the community that we lay our lives for. Not just for our friends. But for that stranger. Keep me accountable.

Coffee Shops

Truly the new Christian thing.
Coffee houses: Bars for Christians Made me laugh out loud cause it's true.

And then... I saw at a church that they are going to have an event around drinking coffee and socializing... omg hahaha. Christian trends you make me laugh.

Something came to my mind. I met a couple who adopted two children. And I thought about gay couples. Random I know. But some of them want to adopt. And is it wrong? Is it wrong for them to take in children and give them a home when no one else has chosen to do so? Troubles me a lot, because... I honestly don't agree with gay-marriage. Sorry people. That being said... that hurts a lot. That means a lot to them, it means denying something that is genuinely a human desire of companionship of security. I'm slowly learning a lot think thanks to a book I'm reading. So screw you people who don't empathize and who are standing back like I was, so ya screw me too. People who don't try to understand... sigh. But ya. back to my main point, here is it wrong?

For that matter disregard abortion. Agreed. But for medical reasons? Also agree, abortion is wrong. Guaranteed child will die in several days, weeks whatever. And he/she will suffer every step. Right or wrong? Wrong... but it makes your heart tremble. (Something I believe I've said before).

Coffee shops tho... takes the cake of the day for jokes man. And to make things hipster, I try to avoid coffee now haha. I don't want to get used to that caffeine. So what's my alternative? I have tea every work day alternating between caffeinated and non-caffeinated. Oh look at me, so hipster hahaha.

To continue the hipster-ness. I found really cheap film cameras... and emailed the people to buy them, with no response. Praise be to God haha. I will eventually get one though. I dunno why... I love photography so much. And another hobby, I remembered how much I love guitar and singing. Gonna get on that.

What triggered that? I went to LJ yesterday. My old old church. Saw former youth group no college. Saw former little kids now graduating highschool, omg... I'm old haha. It was nice though. For the most part. I'm sad cause my youth pastor left cause of church drama. And you know what... I'm going to email him and try to understand the situation, but this is why... I'm not a fan of korean churches. You might be like, no it's in every church. And yes... yes it is. But korean churches really take it too far. And there's somethings that concern me about the EM pastor, but hey that's what prayer is for. And I shall endeavor to lift that church in prayer once again. There is really refreshing powerful change, like mini prayer group that I was able to take part of. But still other things that trouble me. Overall though, it was nice. And to get back to what triggered that thought, I saw the acoustic still being used to lead worship that was used back when I was in high school. Haha... man.

Not looking forward to work, but hey, leggo. Let's get stuff done. Am I happier these days? I don't know. I do know that home was really good for me. Minus paying for tires... haha.

Smart Guy

Me right? haha. Sike.

R.C. Sproul is a freaking genius.

Give me a lever long enough and a place to stand and I can move the whole world. - Archimedes

A little over 200 years after Archimedes made that statement, a lever was found that was long enough to move the world. It was a tree about 10 ft high. And the place that it was placed was Calvary. 

BAMMM SUCKA

Granted there was a buildup to that. And he also talked about how he loves Moby Dick and if that's not a pre-req for being a genius I don't know what is (tongue in cheek). But ya listened to one of his sermons... sick man.

I came home for the weekend, and I no longer have a room haha. My room became legit storage, and I have no access to anything in there. Go figure. So I'm sleeping with my brother, which is okay cause he got a big bed. But ya... guess that's a sign that home is over for me. Makes me wonder, should I move my bed from home then? Or my dresser from home? My mementos? Dang... crazy.

In regards to my finances, I sounded pretty hopeful a couple posts ago, but... I don't have money haha. Literally pretty much all of it has gone to rent/security deposit, and car issues. Thank God for savings I had before haha. But on the bright side, if I stick to my plan I will be aight started the next couple paychecks provided no more unexpected expenses. So I will still treat people on a occasion etc. Growing up peeps. My mom talked about today how me working frees up their finances. Made me smile. I'm so glad that I'm not bearing upon them anymore. Also glad how she said I lost some weight haha. Leggo exercising working. No my goal is not to lose weight, but (at least I hope), I'm losing fat which is nice.

But real talk... I sold my elec today. One I had to cut my price a lot, which made me sad haha. But saying good bye to that thing was like a cut in the heart man. So many memories associated with that. So many... from high school band to praise team to just playing on my own. To how I worked my butt off to save up for it. Dang man... spent almost a third of my life with that guitar. And it's gone never to come back. So begins my destruction of pack rat syndrome haha. My memories and emotions will be in my head and the many photographs I shall take hopefully. That should make it easier to sell/throw away/give away. But I spent a good hour just reminiscing wondering if I should call the guy and say sorry I want it back.

Another random thing, have you ever revisited your old church? I guess it's different for those of you who went to the same one for a long time, but shall be interesting for me. I did not bring my camera so I don't look like a creep there haha. I feel like... most people forgot me. Haven't shown my face for like 2-3 years at LJKC and haven't talked to any of them. But I think... this is my goodbye to that church. If I ever come home, I'll be going with my family to RK like I have been. So... ya. Honestly, just want to say hi to some of the former youth now college... (i'm so old....), and my old youth pastor. I feel like my posts are starting to change... I should just limit my topic switching haha. 

Beautiful

Son Surprises Mom With House for Mother's Day
Aight this video is long. Deal with it. Haha. It's... beautiful, and not in the way where you know it's someone who's sick at editing and writing so they can manipulate you well. It's just beautiful. Honestly... I want to be able to do something like this for my family. I want to give back to them because they went through so much for me. Especially my mom. My mom... went through so much, and then entire time I was struggling and suffering, she would often blame herself saying she wasn't good enough as a mother. And the sad thing is as a child, I would have those times you know. Why couldn't my family be like this person or that person. Why is my family like this etc. But dang... the reality is I wouldn't have it any other way. I wish... I could so something man. Haha. But I looked over my finances and for now it's tight. Paying off rent and security deposit, car stuff. I'm I have a small buffer so it's not that bad. But no where near enough to where I can treat my family to a nice dinner or vacation or something. And you might say oh that's so worldly or something. And you're right.

It is, objectively it is.

But for me, it's giving back to people who slaved away for me. Who showed me love I never deserved. That's why props to this son above.

Also... I've been reading feedly oldest posts first cause I'm so far behind. And I've been reading a lot of posts that came out on Father's Day. Powerful stuff. Only a handful talked about the loving fathers we all hope for. The others talked about the fathers made you hate the term or fear it, or just dislike it. And yet, God's redemptive story plays out there too. Earlier this year, I emailed my dad cause I felt like I should and I told a friend I would. He kept me accountable, so I did it. Albeit, I did it before I was ready. I think... I'm finally ready (and by ready, I mean God has changed my heart) to completely forgive him, and accept him for who he is. And that's the main thing, accept him as he is. I pray others would do that as well haha. But ya... updates probably to come over the next couple months as I solidify plans to meet him. I'm feeling not till August at the earliest maybe later depending on circumstances in my life.

On a different note, Trader Joe's is where it's at my friends. Portions are perfect for a week. And prices are comparable to Kroger, and quality is bit better and the place just feels cooler haha. I still go to Kroger for some things, but most of my lunch is courtesy of Trader Joe's. Many thanks to that place. Also if you're looking for a great way to make your sandwich awesome. Add some spicy humus to it. I thought about this during this past weekend so I tried it. And it's awesome. Hands down best part of my lunch. Toasted bagel with onions, turkey, and that humus. I would add spinach too if you don't mind getting it, and bam perfect sandwich for your meal haha. I'm going to buy a steamer next so I can use it to steam broccoli and substitute that in for carrots. Carrots everyday for a month gets old really fast.

Update?

My life... is rather straightforward these days. Work... exercise, read/chill/watch/whatever. Sleep. Repeat. Weekends, hang out a lot. Get burned out from hanging out with people. Recover while working etc.

Haha. A band that's been clicking with me lately United Pursuit although some songs are just too... hipster. Haven't bought their album yet, but I think I will. Definitely got that folksie element, but some of their lyrics are on point, well to be more specific I really like Will Reagan's songs.

I read a lot of articles today... good ones haha. I think I should take notes on them or something. I feel like I make mental notes, but then I sorta leave it filed away until a trigger causes it to come out. Human mind, you interesting.

I'm happier... the past couple days. Why? Well, I visited City Church and it was on point man. Talked about serving, but something about that church clicked with me so well. Slight GCF nostalgia cause we were in an auditorium haha, wide age range. Seeing old people raise their hands praising God... man. Saw an older guy and his wife, she had a marked up Bible, both sang and praised, followed the sermon, I just... was like man can I be like that one day? Beautiful images there. I'm planning on visiting several more churches in C'ville before I commit. Why? I think... I want to see what other places are like. I didn't do that with GCF. I just committed to GCF, and I don't think I'd change that. I might have visited more, but GCF was where I belonged in college. But ya... churches also fascinating.

I've been burning through my music on my ipod. Revisiting oldies, finding random songs. Today, I listened to some Japanese songs. I really miss Japanese class. I miss hearing it, speaking it, learning it. Time to take some initiative and develop those skills or at least keep them from rotting. The fact that I like it so much though, was like a reminder hey, don't forget your aspirations. Pray, seek, be faithful and see what happens. I'm referring to possible missions there at some point in my life (yes, completely up in the air), but... I really do hope to be in ministry full-time. Who knows when that will be though... Btw I don't have as much money as my previous post might have made it seem like. I realized I somehow mis-calculated some of my necessary expenses, but still it's not a big deal.

Cool update, I have housing for the coming year now. Two roommates, one philosophy phd student and one third transfer. Let the weirdest house ever form together haha. Should be nice though.

Where am I though in my life? I'm... flowing in between healthier reminiscing of the past, and not so healthy, as well as looking towards the future and finding ways to live in the present. Basically... living haha. Been cleaning out my inbox. Went from over 1200 unread, to a little over 200 over the past week. Leggo. :) I'm slowly changing my messiness and everything. My heart still feels like something needs to spill out though, but not sure what. So interesting...

Sorry for being all over the place, but I have something odd to admit. Every morning, I wake up early and get ready for work. By the time I finally get in my car and start driving to work, I feel like I've had a nice conversation, but with who? haha. Myself? God? It's like my vocal chords should feel worked, but I open my mouth to sing in my car, and I realize I haven't talked at all. At first this sorta weirded me out, but I'm trying to turn it into a time of prayer, which needs to be more and more founded upon His Word. But sometimes... just letting it flow is nice. I also listened to Francis Chan again. I finally listened to those sermons between him and his wife about Christ-Centered relationships good stuff. I posted it a while back if you're interested. The funny thing is he was like women complain about submitting, but guys have to be like Jesus, and he's like ya and that's easier haha. God bless that man. Love his humor and his truth and passion.

Stay strong buckos. If you're not strong, be encouraged by God.

Should write down my thoughts more

Throughout the day... I have some aha moments. But then I forget, maybe that means they aren't that aha? But... at the time I feel like a genius haha. But I'm not.

I'm stupid. My emotions sweep past me at times despite my best to control, and I'm left wondering what's wrong with me. Shouldn't x, y, and z happen? Logically makes sense. Or maybe my logic is faulty... and I'm more human than I wish at times. Well my logic is often faulty when my emotions are involved. Let's be real. I can be really stupid. Haha.

Why can I laugh it off right now? Besides I'm trying my best to remind myself, about Jesus. And it hurts you know. Someone on fbook posted unconditional love hurts. It does...

Work is so boring. And what I'm going to be doing is even more boring... but I have a job. I can provide for myself. Feed younguns. Save money. For what? TBD. But I can. I can pay for housing, I can pay for bills. I can pay for car issues (which.... blows like no other). God is gracious. I don't deserve this job. I deserve any job. I really don't. But I am going to work hard. When I have assignments, I think I work pretty hard. I've been studying SQL, which... is fun haha. I'm learning to talk to other people, laugh with them. Watch them work, try to analyze them to be honest. But it's new. Honestly let's be real. Hanging out with mainly Asians is annoying. It was beautiful at first cause I spent my whole life with paegins (using korean cause... ya). And then finding asians, let alone koreans was like praise God. People know my background. But... in general koreans have their own thought process and actions. And I want to learn more now about others. Like I said, people are fascinating.

RANDOM
But Jesus... ya. I like reading blogs. I like personal blogs the best. Christian blogs are nice... but I'm realizing books are better. So I'll read blogs throughout the day randomly, but I want to finish two books by the end of July. We'll see how it works out. This is to remind myself to stay on track. If you have one, update your personal blog please.

But back to life... I'm still working out so many kinks. And I will till I die... There's a story in this book I'm reading. A man is trying to help a friend and basically is saying... God knows what you are going through and he lets you go through it. In the end you will have so much joy with God and in God that it would blow your mind if you knew, and isn't that worth it? (Paraphrasing like crazy). And the author is recounting yes.

There are times when I would say heck ya. Leggo. And... there are many times, when I just want to toss the towel in. Well in one sense I do. But God is gracious. God is loving... and brings me back, so I can remember that it's worth it. This doesn't give me immediate healing. I'm not suddenly ooo rainbows and butterflies haha. But... it's comforting. My emotions, my mind runs amuck. I feel stress on the back of my mind a lot lately. I exercise cause I stop feeling it and no matter how much I think about it, it's there and I can't figure it out. But God is good.

Forgiven- Matt Chandler Sermon Jam
Got this from a friend. It's short, listen to it.

There's something I'm dying to say... but I can't quite place my finger on it yet. Sorry guys. One day.

Somebody

Somebody told me... they thought I was in touch with my emotions. Haha... I feel like I try to act rational. I try to act like I have my stuff together. I try to act like I have reasons for everything.

Honestly... it's not true at all. My emotions are not in my control and are beyond my understanding. As soon as I think I get it, they pull a fast one on me. If I understood my emotions, would I be able to stop pain? Would I be able to stop stupid stuff or stupid words? Would... I be happier? Sometimes, being an automaton really doesn't seem that bad. Sigh.

Life... I feel lost a lot these days. Like there's a whole continent ahead of me, but I don't know where to go. Instead I'm stuck on this corner by the shore. It has it's beauty. It's nice... but there's so much more.

Maybe young wishful thoughts? Maybe I don't appreciate enough where I'm at? Who knows man... but I hope I can follow Jesus in everything.

As I'm figuring out my future... I really wish He leads me. I know I've said this before. But people always say pray, but do you expect something big? Or maybe you feel comfort? Or maybe you assurance? Or maybe you just go for it? Either way... when you succeed God gets the glory. When you fail, God's got your back.

Got a post up in the works in my mind. Maybe tomorrow depending on how I'm feeling.

Break Every Chain- Will Reagan & United Pursuit Band
Half of me wants to just scream sometimes haha. Maybe I'd feel better, but in reality it's temporary. Jesus... provides that which I need and more. Man I love these songs that just repeat... And when that female vocal steps in perfect.

I will continue to be changed by God. I will continue to struggle and fight. I will have victories. I will have defeats. Sadly, knowing me, many defeats. My heart is going to feel so happy it will feel like bursting. My heart is going to feel like it was trampled upon haha. Oh life, you're the 2nd biggest mystery, first is God. 3rd is other people. Peace guys. Really... peace be upon you and me.

On a side note been clearing out my inbox haha. Feels good to get rid of that clutter.

Worst Dream

Today... I had one of the worst dreams I've had in a long time. It felt like a lucid dream, so maybe I was giving in, but at the same time it felt out of my control. In this dream, I was daydreaming like I used to a long time ago... of a way of sacrificing myself (literally my life) for others. And I did it cause in fact I hated life, and I wanted to die. And if you're going to die, for goodness sake do it in a way worthwhile. For ex. if you're going to commit suicide don't do it in front of train and cause so many other issues behind it. If you actually want to die then you do it silently and out of the way, not being a bother (gross I know, but honestly my thought process). But of course most people want to die, and they want others to notice, at least on the inside they do. And that's how I felt in my "daydream." I was essentially committing suicide but for the greater good to save the world from some evil. Haha... this is what I did when I was in middle school. Or I'd just die in a terrible way all alone and discarded by everyone.

This dream then switched to one where I was glorified and people cared about me so much. And I felt sick in my stomach cause I felt like a manipulator, I felt like I wasn't living for others. And I felt like I was blasphemous. And then thankfully I woke up.

Honestly... these dreams weren't that bad so much as they reminded of the person I was... and it scared me. Lost in a daydream, hating the world, longing for death. Crazy man... I thought I completely moved on from that suicidal stupidity in middle school/early high school, but I guess scars always remain after being healed, or maybe I was never healed? Man... haha. Nah, I was healed, I want to believe I was healed. But I do believe that scars remain...
"Scar Tissue"- Red Hot Chili Peppers I always think of this song when I think of scars now for some reason.

But besides that dream, today was nice. I hung out with people, ate dinner with them. Cooked a bunch of food. Saw some fireworks. Just a nice time. A good time to forget my worries and enjoy life's little blessings. And I've seen how God is good just in a friend's life and dog troubles he went through. Man... I think there are just things I need to resolve, but those will happen in time. No point in rushing.

I can't believe I have to go to work tomorrow... On a completely different note. Processing pictures is so much work. I have so many I want to upload, but I feel like I have to process them... I don't think I will though. Sorry everyone, it's not cause I don't like you, it's just so much work. I'll just try to process my fav ones. Peace out homies. I hope you had a good 4th of July, celebrating a country that has made so many things possible for us, but in the process, destroyed so many people. Makes me really sad... but I guess that's why ultimately I celebrate Christ and not a country. That's why ultimately I'm a Christian before an American. That's why ultimately... I remember that this is not my home.

Another song

Started to play guitar again today. It felt good/I'm really out of practice.

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been- Relient K
Another song that clicks with me so well.

Life man... life.

No work on thursday. God bless America. lol.

Weirdness

Sometimes, want a person needs to hear is that they haven't screwed up completely. Maybe it's from someone who's not in the best state, but still... it touched me a lot. And reminds me of God's grace, but also love from friends. Ideally... I really believe that only God's opinion of who you are should matter and really only that matters. But that encouragement from a friend can really make a difference. Man... I'm a terrible person haha, but at least... some good things have come out. Praise be to God.

Work was super chill today, but I had to say goodbye to a friend. I think it's finally hitting me. I'm... a graduate. My friends really are scattered. I thought I would feel it in the Fall, but it's hitting me now. Why Fall? Well cause people always scatter for Summer Vacation, but man. Pretty sad. On the flip side, I forced myself to hang out with people today, which was nice.

God's... been gracious and helping me to regain perspective. Helping to me really come back to Him. I've been going through music on my ipod that I normally don't listen to.

Getting Into You- Relient K
This song man... haha. "I love you and that's what you, are getting yourself into." Sick line. It really hit me haha.

I feel like I'm on this weird cycle, learn more about myself, hate myself, remember God's love. Slowly come back, and then learn more haha. Repeat... but each time coming back to God is sweeter.

On another note... I had to fix my dryer today, once again feeling like a man. And improvising cause I didn't have a tool to turn the screw. Stupid landlord was like you can take care of it and hung up on me, but I did. At least I think so. We'll find out when I do my laundry. Also... I learned so much about Gmail cause of work, and applying it to my gmail now. Yes there are plenty of master's that I know already, but I never really cared... but now I'm realizing how organization makes a difference. Humbled I am.