Worst Dream

Today... I had one of the worst dreams I've had in a long time. It felt like a lucid dream, so maybe I was giving in, but at the same time it felt out of my control. In this dream, I was daydreaming like I used to a long time ago... of a way of sacrificing myself (literally my life) for others. And I did it cause in fact I hated life, and I wanted to die. And if you're going to die, for goodness sake do it in a way worthwhile. For ex. if you're going to commit suicide don't do it in front of train and cause so many other issues behind it. If you actually want to die then you do it silently and out of the way, not being a bother (gross I know, but honestly my thought process). But of course most people want to die, and they want others to notice, at least on the inside they do. And that's how I felt in my "daydream." I was essentially committing suicide but for the greater good to save the world from some evil. Haha... this is what I did when I was in middle school. Or I'd just die in a terrible way all alone and discarded by everyone.

This dream then switched to one where I was glorified and people cared about me so much. And I felt sick in my stomach cause I felt like a manipulator, I felt like I wasn't living for others. And I felt like I was blasphemous. And then thankfully I woke up.

Honestly... these dreams weren't that bad so much as they reminded of the person I was... and it scared me. Lost in a daydream, hating the world, longing for death. Crazy man... I thought I completely moved on from that suicidal stupidity in middle school/early high school, but I guess scars always remain after being healed, or maybe I was never healed? Man... haha. Nah, I was healed, I want to believe I was healed. But I do believe that scars remain...
"Scar Tissue"- Red Hot Chili Peppers I always think of this song when I think of scars now for some reason.

But besides that dream, today was nice. I hung out with people, ate dinner with them. Cooked a bunch of food. Saw some fireworks. Just a nice time. A good time to forget my worries and enjoy life's little blessings. And I've seen how God is good just in a friend's life and dog troubles he went through. Man... I think there are just things I need to resolve, but those will happen in time. No point in rushing.

I can't believe I have to go to work tomorrow... On a completely different note. Processing pictures is so much work. I have so many I want to upload, but I feel like I have to process them... I don't think I will though. Sorry everyone, it's not cause I don't like you, it's just so much work. I'll just try to process my fav ones. Peace out homies. I hope you had a good 4th of July, celebrating a country that has made so many things possible for us, but in the process, destroyed so many people. Makes me really sad... but I guess that's why ultimately I celebrate Christ and not a country. That's why ultimately I'm a Christian before an American. That's why ultimately... I remember that this is not my home.