Saw someone, I haven't really seen since I moved out aka the MC. Weird. Memories... nostalgia. But it's over lol.
"I wish I could photoshop the scars off"
Macklemore
Dang... yes and no my friend. Ultimately no, but there always instances of yes, I wish I could.
I've decided to find an element that I long since said goodbye to that only manifests itself in rare moments. Childlike joy. I isolated it a long time ago, and in my pursuit to grow up and get smarter etc., I killed it. But now begins the journey to find it again. I think it will be fun though.
Today, I went on a spontaneous trip to Humpback. I sped there to cath the sunset, and barely got it. I flew up that mountain man... and it was beautiful up there. Downside... hiking in the dark freaking sucks especially at the top. It was exhilarating but scary cause I didn't want to damage my camera. I also had black and white film in my camera... dummy. But I will do this trip again. One of the few things I have confidence in, my center of gravity. If I fall I can cushion it, if I lose my footing I can figure out a way to re-balance myself. But ya, and then I drove to skyline... and dude go there during sunset, eat dinner with significant other, see stars. Perfect date lol. If you steal this from me, you can at least me know you did. But it's so beautiful. If I had a tripod, and a nice ND filter... money landscape shot.
But ya... new journey of life. Learn, develop, change, but ultimately express joy. And where does this joy come from? Why Christ of course because He loves me. And hopefully... I'll learn to love myself. Let's be real guys being depressed and stuff sucks.
Random: I said JubileeProject is better than Wongfu. Or at least I think I did. Saw some Wongfu... my bad guys. If you guys just did more charity work it'd be cooler, but so talented.
More random: Driving fast on that skyline drive is money... feeling the swerve, the pit of your stomach sinking. Knowing that if you crew up this turn it's gg (well I'm not going that fast), it's so exhilarating. And you get lost in the turns and the trees and the scenery. Always enjoyable.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Cute and Teary
There's a youtube channel called jubileeProject.
Their videos have made me legit tear up.
For All the Times
This video... is what my childhood was like. And this... is how I feel now. Well played. Wongfu is cute... but these guys are cute with a cause. Makes me want to buy one of their shirts for real.
Have another post in the works, but these guys deserve more popularity. Doing what you love and helping others, sickdeals.
Their videos have made me legit tear up.
For All the Times
This video... is what my childhood was like. And this... is how I feel now. Well played. Wongfu is cute... but these guys are cute with a cause. Makes me want to buy one of their shirts for real.
Have another post in the works, but these guys deserve more popularity. Doing what you love and helping others, sickdeals.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Life and Death vs. Entertainment
Headline on news at least on CNN. Evidence of Syrian chemical attack and then Miley Cyrus twerks at VMA...
Someone dies, once again first comments are random bickering that point away from the fact that hello a life was just wrongly taken away.
I don't get society. There's avoiding reality, and then a blatant disregard for other people. I feel bad for Miley. I do. Victim of many things, and seeking to live that free life. But still come one... they are not anywhere near as important, at least to me.
On a side note, I've found some holes in my shirts that make it harder to resist buying clothes... hmm decisions.
but more importantly... life.
Life... let's just leave it at that. The good thing recently is that my attitude towards the news has changed. Is it depressing? Heck yes. Does it make me wonder about humanity? Yes. Does it drive me to tears... yes. Am I reminded about God's compassion and love yes? For so long... I heard the news, I heard about people suffering and was like dang that sucks. 5 minutes later I would be back on my life. But, these people, their lives are changed forever. Or they are over. Syria and possible chemical attacks. Egypt and riots. Child soldiers in northern Africa. All these things... they finally break my heart. They finally have reached me. I can be that news anchor that can recite it without a problem, but inside I know... my heart is aching for them. And I'm moved, to pray.
Things on my mind, but all I can do is go through the next day. And continue along.
Someone dies, once again first comments are random bickering that point away from the fact that hello a life was just wrongly taken away.
I don't get society. There's avoiding reality, and then a blatant disregard for other people. I feel bad for Miley. I do. Victim of many things, and seeking to live that free life. But still come one... they are not anywhere near as important, at least to me.
On a side note, I've found some holes in my shirts that make it harder to resist buying clothes... hmm decisions.
but more importantly... life.
Life... let's just leave it at that. The good thing recently is that my attitude towards the news has changed. Is it depressing? Heck yes. Does it make me wonder about humanity? Yes. Does it drive me to tears... yes. Am I reminded about God's compassion and love yes? For so long... I heard the news, I heard about people suffering and was like dang that sucks. 5 minutes later I would be back on my life. But, these people, their lives are changed forever. Or they are over. Syria and possible chemical attacks. Egypt and riots. Child soldiers in northern Africa. All these things... they finally break my heart. They finally have reached me. I can be that news anchor that can recite it without a problem, but inside I know... my heart is aching for them. And I'm moved, to pray.
Things on my mind, but all I can do is go through the next day. And continue along.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
"Feeling sick and helpless, lost the compass where self is
I know what I gotta do and I can’t help it"
Macklemore is a freaking genius.
Neon Cathedral- Macklemore ft. Allen Stone
"And a truth that's so strong, I'd be a fool not to take it"
"Closed the Bible a while ago, I need some shots for this sin"
"I read the Bible but I forgot the verses
The liquor store is open later than the church is"
"Underneath this fragile frame, lives a battle between pride and shame"
Otherside- Macklemore (Fences Remix)
Original is good too.
Even his mixed tape is sick... "no i gotta let it go, i'm just to selfish to set it free"
But he's a bit too depressing at times, which certainly doesn't help me... and his more upbeat songs veer towards modern day crap.
Deleted a bunch of crap that I wrote yesterday. Today, was better than I expected. Thanks to those who convinced me to go. A nice change of pace. And I printed more photos. Sam's Club so cheap. And key to old school grainy poorly processed photos? Use old film... like film that expired a long time ago. That's what I did. Not what I wanted, but deal with it. Film is done guys... but until it's completely done, Imma keep it going. Love that feeling of opening it up and thinking how will this turn out.
Had an interesting convo with a person today asked relatively deep questions. Didn't mind, but interesting.
It's crazy though... today was nice. And I wish I could just end it there...
I realized something today... I had/have an irrational fear of Korean families. I guess cause the only notion I have (and I mean families that only speak Korean to each other at home, and like older) is from when I was little with my grandparents. How... they loved me in their own way, but gave my mom so much crap that it drove her away. Gave her so much crap cause of me, and the life that she lived. And gave my aunt crap that it drove her away too. They acted so nice to me, but I couldn't understand half of what they said, see? And I mistrusted those settings after that. It was my mom, my step-dad and my aunt and the uncle that she married, and that was it. Always a wall up, partially cause of a language barrier, but partly cause... I can't tell exactly what's going on. But what I experienced today was different. Was refreshing. Was for a lack of a better word, cute and loving. Thank you to the person. And thank you God.
I have a lot of double standards. Not for people but for myself. I berate myself, I break myself down. But the beauty of "Starting Over" is the honesty that he speaks, but in the end there's the hope in the end. Brief, struggling to be expressed, but there. But unlike him, I have hope founded up on Jesus. Someone concrete, someone not man yet man. Someone supernatural. Someone who died for me. Jesus... thank you.
Life is not about me and what I do or I've done. It's about how I can give glory to the One. It's not about shouldering on, it's about falling before Him. And saying it is done.
I'm reminded today, that the reason I wanted to serve is cause I wanted to give back to God and help others. But the reason I will serve in the future, is not cause I'm better. Not cause I'm smarter, or anything. I am the worst of these and more. The thoughts and my actions have are the testament to that. Yet, we serve and love cause God loved us first. We serve and we love purely cause of Christ. Being able to help is a plus. Feeling like I'm giving back to God is a plus. But none of that really matters. My thoughts and my hopelessness are ultimately foolish, and not just foolish in an oh get over it kind of sense. Foolishness in a... it doesn't compare to Christ. And too often, I get prideful and place myself up. When Christ is shining over.
That being said... I'm sure I will continue to struggle. And it's interesting not just in a sadistic way, but in a good way as well.
Still Macklemore is legit guys haha. Imma buy his album, and I only buy albums that I really like now cause I don't download music anymore. Neither should you. Don't think God approves of it, and you're not helping the artist.
I know what I gotta do and I can’t help it"
Macklemore is a freaking genius.
Neon Cathedral- Macklemore ft. Allen Stone
"And a truth that's so strong, I'd be a fool not to take it"
"Closed the Bible a while ago, I need some shots for this sin"
"I read the Bible but I forgot the verses
The liquor store is open later than the church is"
"Underneath this fragile frame, lives a battle between pride and shame"
Otherside- Macklemore (Fences Remix)
Original is good too.
Even his mixed tape is sick... "no i gotta let it go, i'm just to selfish to set it free"
But he's a bit too depressing at times, which certainly doesn't help me... and his more upbeat songs veer towards modern day crap.
Deleted a bunch of crap that I wrote yesterday. Today, was better than I expected. Thanks to those who convinced me to go. A nice change of pace. And I printed more photos. Sam's Club so cheap. And key to old school grainy poorly processed photos? Use old film... like film that expired a long time ago. That's what I did. Not what I wanted, but deal with it. Film is done guys... but until it's completely done, Imma keep it going. Love that feeling of opening it up and thinking how will this turn out.
Had an interesting convo with a person today asked relatively deep questions. Didn't mind, but interesting.
It's crazy though... today was nice. And I wish I could just end it there...
I realized something today... I had/have an irrational fear of Korean families. I guess cause the only notion I have (and I mean families that only speak Korean to each other at home, and like older) is from when I was little with my grandparents. How... they loved me in their own way, but gave my mom so much crap that it drove her away. Gave her so much crap cause of me, and the life that she lived. And gave my aunt crap that it drove her away too. They acted so nice to me, but I couldn't understand half of what they said, see? And I mistrusted those settings after that. It was my mom, my step-dad and my aunt and the uncle that she married, and that was it. Always a wall up, partially cause of a language barrier, but partly cause... I can't tell exactly what's going on. But what I experienced today was different. Was refreshing. Was for a lack of a better word, cute and loving. Thank you to the person. And thank you God.
I have a lot of double standards. Not for people but for myself. I berate myself, I break myself down. But the beauty of "Starting Over" is the honesty that he speaks, but in the end there's the hope in the end. Brief, struggling to be expressed, but there. But unlike him, I have hope founded up on Jesus. Someone concrete, someone not man yet man. Someone supernatural. Someone who died for me. Jesus... thank you.
Life is not about me and what I do or I've done. It's about how I can give glory to the One. It's not about shouldering on, it's about falling before Him. And saying it is done.
I'm reminded today, that the reason I wanted to serve is cause I wanted to give back to God and help others. But the reason I will serve in the future, is not cause I'm better. Not cause I'm smarter, or anything. I am the worst of these and more. The thoughts and my actions have are the testament to that. Yet, we serve and love cause God loved us first. We serve and we love purely cause of Christ. Being able to help is a plus. Feeling like I'm giving back to God is a plus. But none of that really matters. My thoughts and my hopelessness are ultimately foolish, and not just foolish in an oh get over it kind of sense. Foolishness in a... it doesn't compare to Christ. And too often, I get prideful and place myself up. When Christ is shining over.
That being said... I'm sure I will continue to struggle. And it's interesting not just in a sadistic way, but in a good way as well.
Still Macklemore is legit guys haha. Imma buy his album, and I only buy albums that I really like now cause I don't download music anymore. Neither should you. Don't think God approves of it, and you're not helping the artist.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Lied lol
I need this blog. I need an outlet right now haha. So I guess I won't be stopping. My emotions today have been more haywire than I ever thought possible. I waver from losing myself in work, to almost crying (thank God for small Asian eyes, white people don't know what's up), to thoughts of well mental breakdown haha. So fascinating. In a weird sadistic way, this is fascinating.
Seeing the struggle between recognizing God, love, the fact that I need help etc. and let's just say darkness. I wonder if one day I'll just say to hell with it all and end everything in a nice red pool. Ideally it would be finding a high cliff or mountain or plateau and diving off. The free fall. The freedom of flight ultimately ending in panic as I see my demise, and then God... and then I cower away from such thoughts. And yet they always return.
I hate my emotional state, but more than that... I hate me. I tell God why... why am I alive? Why am I here? Why am I so freaking stupid? And then on the flip side, I say God, I'm not built for this corporate life. I'm not built for this. I need more. I can't just help people make money for the sake of it. It rubs me the wrong way. I want to be out there. People are dying and I'm sitting on my ass, spending too much time reflecting on my own bull shit problems.
What do I look forward to? Where do I want to be in 10 years? Ideally, dead. Realistically, that won't happen. I have too much self control for that. I won't let myself go crazy with eating. I won't stop exercising. I won't stop doing what i need to. I won't stop paying bills. I won't stop many things. Instead I'll just internalize it all until I finally learn to let go completely and love God, or... well that's the only option. So instead 10 years from now, I will do what I want. Missions. Live among the people. After this year of work, I will go on short term missions. And either return to working or something who knows. Am I qualified to go? What does that even mean? But I guess by my definition, no, but if there is one thing I can do... it's empathize with those hurting.
I've been lost for so long, I don't think I can get a way out. It's like a nice deep hole. You get trapped, but you get food everyday to survive etc. At first you panic and desperately you want out, and there are scars on ur hands and knees from when you scraped again and again and again. But then... it feels normal to be there. It feels like second nature. And then the thought of fighting your way out seems foreign. If someone offered you a line to escape you'd doubt it. Isn't that complacency? Is that the trap of everything?
My nightmares don't occur when I sleep. That's when I dream. That's my break. They occur during that waking moment because in the end you can't run or hide instead, they are real.
But there's always glimmers of hope, which help move on every day. Which help me stay alive.
I just remembered a conversation I had almost a week ago with a couple individuals. One asked have you ever felt that you aren't good enough for someone. The other person I was with said no, and I don't understand people that think that way. And then me... haha. Inside I laughed that sardonic laugh, and said ideally no, it's not true, but yes the feelings are there due to insecurities. yadda yadda. But me being the master of deflection that I am, I described it in such a way that made it clear to the person who didn't understand how people think that way. And they responded in a half joking oh so wise. And all I could say was nah with a smile... but inside, I said... it's not wisdom. When you've screwed up enough you understand. When you lost yourself so many times in the pit of despair it's second nature. I just hope... that person never feels that way. Let it just be something he's heard about, and nothing that he experiences. I sincerely hope that people live happier lives. That they aren't plagued with the stupid doubts that flood my life.
This is the first time, I've felt like I'm fighting a losing battle. Normally, I can pull of stability or at least flat line, but damn... at least somethings are working out like I expected or hoped. As long as there's someone there with me, I stabilize some, but once that door is closed gg my friend, gg. Oh Satan... guess we're closer than I ever imagined.
Seeing the struggle between recognizing God, love, the fact that I need help etc. and let's just say darkness. I wonder if one day I'll just say to hell with it all and end everything in a nice red pool. Ideally it would be finding a high cliff or mountain or plateau and diving off. The free fall. The freedom of flight ultimately ending in panic as I see my demise, and then God... and then I cower away from such thoughts. And yet they always return.
I hate my emotional state, but more than that... I hate me. I tell God why... why am I alive? Why am I here? Why am I so freaking stupid? And then on the flip side, I say God, I'm not built for this corporate life. I'm not built for this. I need more. I can't just help people make money for the sake of it. It rubs me the wrong way. I want to be out there. People are dying and I'm sitting on my ass, spending too much time reflecting on my own bull shit problems.
What do I look forward to? Where do I want to be in 10 years? Ideally, dead. Realistically, that won't happen. I have too much self control for that. I won't let myself go crazy with eating. I won't stop exercising. I won't stop doing what i need to. I won't stop paying bills. I won't stop many things. Instead I'll just internalize it all until I finally learn to let go completely and love God, or... well that's the only option. So instead 10 years from now, I will do what I want. Missions. Live among the people. After this year of work, I will go on short term missions. And either return to working or something who knows. Am I qualified to go? What does that even mean? But I guess by my definition, no, but if there is one thing I can do... it's empathize with those hurting.
I've been lost for so long, I don't think I can get a way out. It's like a nice deep hole. You get trapped, but you get food everyday to survive etc. At first you panic and desperately you want out, and there are scars on ur hands and knees from when you scraped again and again and again. But then... it feels normal to be there. It feels like second nature. And then the thought of fighting your way out seems foreign. If someone offered you a line to escape you'd doubt it. Isn't that complacency? Is that the trap of everything?
My nightmares don't occur when I sleep. That's when I dream. That's my break. They occur during that waking moment because in the end you can't run or hide instead, they are real.
But there's always glimmers of hope, which help move on every day. Which help me stay alive.
I just remembered a conversation I had almost a week ago with a couple individuals. One asked have you ever felt that you aren't good enough for someone. The other person I was with said no, and I don't understand people that think that way. And then me... haha. Inside I laughed that sardonic laugh, and said ideally no, it's not true, but yes the feelings are there due to insecurities. yadda yadda. But me being the master of deflection that I am, I described it in such a way that made it clear to the person who didn't understand how people think that way. And they responded in a half joking oh so wise. And all I could say was nah with a smile... but inside, I said... it's not wisdom. When you've screwed up enough you understand. When you lost yourself so many times in the pit of despair it's second nature. I just hope... that person never feels that way. Let it just be something he's heard about, and nothing that he experiences. I sincerely hope that people live happier lives. That they aren't plagued with the stupid doubts that flood my life.
This is the first time, I've felt like I'm fighting a losing battle. Normally, I can pull of stability or at least flat line, but damn... at least somethings are working out like I expected or hoped. As long as there's someone there with me, I stabilize some, but once that door is closed gg my friend, gg. Oh Satan... guess we're closer than I ever imagined.
- "Lord, I am a desperate person in need of a help today."
- "Lord, in your grace, would you send your helpers me way?"
- "Lord, would you give me the humility to accept that help when it comes?"
Good stuff above. The only plus side about me being in this emotional state, is my inspiration with words and metaphors is incredible, at least in my head. I free style with rhymes and a flow that just comes from me. But granted... it's all in my head haha. Pretty much all of this was written throughout the day so pardon the jumpiness or whatever.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Cleaning
Today, I took care of some stuff I should have done a long time.
I also celebrated a record. My inbox is down to 1 unread message. Crazy right? Well if you knew my inbox. You'd know it's crazy.
I've been reading the news lately at work everyday, it's depressing. Bad news makes money though I guess. But so many trolls commenting too. Read an article about a man my age who was killed and the reason for murder? The 3 teens just wanted to kill someone. First comment is little troll making light of the situation. Freaking jerk. But ya... it's sorta depressing.
You know what guys, I'm tired of everything. So I feel bad for that person who was killed, and the other part of me says why couldn't I have been targeted? Haha... half joking here. Guess I'm a jerk troll too making light of the situation, when really it's saddening.
A friend confronted me a couple days ago, and said I sometimes like a hero. Not in a good way, but in the sense of I want to help others but don't want to receive help. Yes, yes it's true. I would die for you, but if you died for me, I'd contemplate suicide many many times in response. I want to give, and not receive. But the reality is, I'm more of a villain. I'm just so good at it that I deceive myself and others. Brilliant. Not only that... I can't help anyone. I just can't.
I'm done blogging for a while. Thanks for reading, the few who do. Contact me more openly if you care to. If not, that's fine too. Peace out.
I also celebrated a record. My inbox is down to 1 unread message. Crazy right? Well if you knew my inbox. You'd know it's crazy.
I've been reading the news lately at work everyday, it's depressing. Bad news makes money though I guess. But so many trolls commenting too. Read an article about a man my age who was killed and the reason for murder? The 3 teens just wanted to kill someone. First comment is little troll making light of the situation. Freaking jerk. But ya... it's sorta depressing.
You know what guys, I'm tired of everything. So I feel bad for that person who was killed, and the other part of me says why couldn't I have been targeted? Haha... half joking here. Guess I'm a jerk troll too making light of the situation, when really it's saddening.
A friend confronted me a couple days ago, and said I sometimes like a hero. Not in a good way, but in the sense of I want to help others but don't want to receive help. Yes, yes it's true. I would die for you, but if you died for me, I'd contemplate suicide many many times in response. I want to give, and not receive. But the reality is, I'm more of a villain. I'm just so good at it that I deceive myself and others. Brilliant. Not only that... I can't help anyone. I just can't.
I'm done blogging for a while. Thanks for reading, the few who do. Contact me more openly if you care to. If not, that's fine too. Peace out.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Two songs
What Do I Know of Holy- Addison Road
Truth.
Starting Over- Macklemore
Real talk. If you can't relate to this song, then... I guess ignore it.
I'll prob post another song by him. This guy has some really deep stuff, and then of course the dumb modern stuff.
Truth.
Starting Over- Macklemore
Real talk. If you can't relate to this song, then... I guess ignore it.
I'll prob post another song by him. This guy has some really deep stuff, and then of course the dumb modern stuff.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Little Things
Today was a bunch of little things that came together to make, a wonderful day.
Helped someone by giving them a ride to the airport. Always nice, feeling useful.
Got to nova, ate lunch with aunt and company. Free lunch, always nice. Played with cousin some, who doesn't hate me as much. Saw a CJ.
Then Georgetown. Been wanting to ride a train for some reason, and I think the metro satisfied that itch for now. Until I travel on-wards. Walked around... and it just felt good to get out of C'ville and Richmond area. I needed to go somewhere different, where I could loose myself in tall buildings and random people walking by.
Then we got there. The hustle and bustle, the newness of it all was so attractive. So much diversity, so many different languages... felt cool. And then... so much materialism. So many clothing and shoe shops that were the baller expensive brands. And... I was like this is nice... and then I also said, this is so sad... People drinking and enjoying themselves, people shopping and dropping cash, and... then thoughts of other parts of DC were on the back of my mind. But still, got that Georgetown Cupcake. Overrated and expensive? Maybe, but delicious? Yes!
Went kayaking on the river. Walked around some more.
And then the best part, had legit ramen at a place called Kintaro. And some sushi there. Gg. All thoughts left and I was lost in the deliciousness of it all. And to top it all off, there were actual Japanese customers there. Slightly wonky experience there due to some issues with reserving seats, but all worked out well. Fatty tuna there was a taste unkown to me. Sushi that actually melts in your mouth as you chew. I've read and heard about it, and it was great. No soy sauce needed at this place, just enjoy the fish and it's tenderness.
I burned through 1.5 rolls of film like nothing. And then used my DSLR, but by that point it was getting dark. I look forward to developing these. It's nice that you can really enjoy taking pics of random people. There's so much hustle and bustle people don't care. In C'ville they stare, and it's sorta awk, but I still do it.
Could I live here and enjoy it? Heck ya. Good food everywhere. Things to do. People around. Saw so many photo takers was refreshing.
But then... would I really enjoy it? Probably not. I'd lose myself and wake up 10 years later saying what happened to your dreams and aspirations? What happened to God? And I'd have to confess... that I lost sight. On the metro today, a guy carried his dry cleaning on the metro and asked around for some cash to get off the metro, and I was saddened. He was met with silence by the crowd. A refusal to make eye contact. That's scary guys. Granted it all worked out in the end, but that's the life I would develop. My bubble, my people, people like me, end of story. I've got enough struggles, so thanks be to God that I'm stuck in that humdrum of C'ville. Sadly this plays in other areas of my life though, that I'm only beginning to grasp. I read the news semi-regularly depending on how busy I am at work. I don't know if you know about Egypt... read about it. Please... not only Egypt all around the world, things... are shocking. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream. What is going on???? This child was raped and you get a blip on the news end of story? Hundreds murdered, and we process it and go on with our day. So happy I'm not there? Churches getting persecuted... churches manipulating people wrongly in other parts of the world. So many things are more demanding and important than my foolishness. Moved in prayer, but I want to be moved in action. But I guess it starts with the little things now. Saying hi to people is small, but important imho. Helping strangers. I can't stay here... I will always hate myself if I never do and act and go. You might say, maybe that's the issue be content with what you have. And yes... I know I'm the worst person to help... but at least I want to. At least I don't read these things and move on. I stop... (The sad part is this empathy depends on my emotions, my business, my circumstances, but I pray that would not be the case.)
Also, I was reminded of something that happened with my cousin last week. (Un)lucky for me, I was in the back seat and had to keep wiping her nose cause I didn't want to close her nose so she would breath okay. Got blood splatters over my arms as she kept crying and screaming and blowing, and I just kept wiping. Something about that hit me. The importance of life? The necessity of blood for survival? I'm not sure...
Regardless, a day to get out of foolish thoughts. And reflect on God in a different light. As much as I hate to admit it, I need people. I'm an introvert needing time alone, lots of it. But in the end... I still have social needs. Always shocks me for some reason.
One last story. A friend of mine, posted about his dog that passed away. And it was beautiful. How he found him, how things played out. I read it while at work, and my mind shut down to everything else as his feelings towards his dog crashed over me. And I emerged empathetic, but also reminded about the sanctity of life. I felt dirty for my longings of death for personal satisfaction. I felt sad, cause I hated a gift. And even now I struggle with it, but life is so precious. I like taking pics of kids, but it's hard cause you don't want to look like a creeper. But... they are so precious. That life, which I hope any parent would protect at all cost.
Yes this post is more genuinely hopeful than the last one haha. More genuinely happy... let life continue to flow.
Helped someone by giving them a ride to the airport. Always nice, feeling useful.
Got to nova, ate lunch with aunt and company. Free lunch, always nice. Played with cousin some, who doesn't hate me as much. Saw a CJ.
Then Georgetown. Been wanting to ride a train for some reason, and I think the metro satisfied that itch for now. Until I travel on-wards. Walked around... and it just felt good to get out of C'ville and Richmond area. I needed to go somewhere different, where I could loose myself in tall buildings and random people walking by.
Then we got there. The hustle and bustle, the newness of it all was so attractive. So much diversity, so many different languages... felt cool. And then... so much materialism. So many clothing and shoe shops that were the baller expensive brands. And... I was like this is nice... and then I also said, this is so sad... People drinking and enjoying themselves, people shopping and dropping cash, and... then thoughts of other parts of DC were on the back of my mind. But still, got that Georgetown Cupcake. Overrated and expensive? Maybe, but delicious? Yes!
Went kayaking on the river. Walked around some more.
And then the best part, had legit ramen at a place called Kintaro. And some sushi there. Gg. All thoughts left and I was lost in the deliciousness of it all. And to top it all off, there were actual Japanese customers there. Slightly wonky experience there due to some issues with reserving seats, but all worked out well. Fatty tuna there was a taste unkown to me. Sushi that actually melts in your mouth as you chew. I've read and heard about it, and it was great. No soy sauce needed at this place, just enjoy the fish and it's tenderness.
I burned through 1.5 rolls of film like nothing. And then used my DSLR, but by that point it was getting dark. I look forward to developing these. It's nice that you can really enjoy taking pics of random people. There's so much hustle and bustle people don't care. In C'ville they stare, and it's sorta awk, but I still do it.
Could I live here and enjoy it? Heck ya. Good food everywhere. Things to do. People around. Saw so many photo takers was refreshing.
But then... would I really enjoy it? Probably not. I'd lose myself and wake up 10 years later saying what happened to your dreams and aspirations? What happened to God? And I'd have to confess... that I lost sight. On the metro today, a guy carried his dry cleaning on the metro and asked around for some cash to get off the metro, and I was saddened. He was met with silence by the crowd. A refusal to make eye contact. That's scary guys. Granted it all worked out in the end, but that's the life I would develop. My bubble, my people, people like me, end of story. I've got enough struggles, so thanks be to God that I'm stuck in that humdrum of C'ville. Sadly this plays in other areas of my life though, that I'm only beginning to grasp. I read the news semi-regularly depending on how busy I am at work. I don't know if you know about Egypt... read about it. Please... not only Egypt all around the world, things... are shocking. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream. What is going on???? This child was raped and you get a blip on the news end of story? Hundreds murdered, and we process it and go on with our day. So happy I'm not there? Churches getting persecuted... churches manipulating people wrongly in other parts of the world. So many things are more demanding and important than my foolishness. Moved in prayer, but I want to be moved in action. But I guess it starts with the little things now. Saying hi to people is small, but important imho. Helping strangers. I can't stay here... I will always hate myself if I never do and act and go. You might say, maybe that's the issue be content with what you have. And yes... I know I'm the worst person to help... but at least I want to. At least I don't read these things and move on. I stop... (The sad part is this empathy depends on my emotions, my business, my circumstances, but I pray that would not be the case.)
Also, I was reminded of something that happened with my cousin last week. (Un)lucky for me, I was in the back seat and had to keep wiping her nose cause I didn't want to close her nose so she would breath okay. Got blood splatters over my arms as she kept crying and screaming and blowing, and I just kept wiping. Something about that hit me. The importance of life? The necessity of blood for survival? I'm not sure...
Regardless, a day to get out of foolish thoughts. And reflect on God in a different light. As much as I hate to admit it, I need people. I'm an introvert needing time alone, lots of it. But in the end... I still have social needs. Always shocks me for some reason.
One last story. A friend of mine, posted about his dog that passed away. And it was beautiful. How he found him, how things played out. I read it while at work, and my mind shut down to everything else as his feelings towards his dog crashed over me. And I emerged empathetic, but also reminded about the sanctity of life. I felt dirty for my longings of death for personal satisfaction. I felt sad, cause I hated a gift. And even now I struggle with it, but life is so precious. I like taking pics of kids, but it's hard cause you don't want to look like a creeper. But... they are so precious. That life, which I hope any parent would protect at all cost.
Yes this post is more genuinely hopeful than the last one haha. More genuinely happy... let life continue to flow.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Know what's fun?
Traveling. I'm going to take a break from the trend of the last two posts. Traveling is fun. Photography is fun. Dream job: both combined. But where do I really want to be in 10 years? In ministry, with people. And yet... I'm far from there, but before I diverge into less happy thoughts... traveling.
I have recently made 2 goals for myself. 1/2 marathon by next spring for sure, but ideally end of this year. I know I can do it, but it's a matter of can I do it fast enough. Aka, under 2 hours which isn't that fast, but I did something like with a friend where we just ran for a long time, so it's doable.
2nd goal, travel. Once a month I'm going to go somewhere farther than a normal car ride aka farther than nova. NY prob next month. Maybe Phili the following. Chapel Hill for the heck of it? And then go from there I guess. Or maybe I'll cancel a couple so I can buy a plane ticket and go to Canada. But... I have to be careful about not using my PTO (paid time off... for those who might not know). I... want to go back to Mexico. I was pretty bummed I couldn't go this summer and more bummed that the trip was canceled. But I need lots o vacation for that kind of mission trip. And eventually I want to go to Japan. But that might happen if I can go to the Philippines next year, which would be sweet cause then most of the trip expenses would be footed by the good ol company.
On top of that... I've settled on a film body I want and the two lenses I want. I have a 55 mm which is decent. And I want a 28 mm as well. Thankfully the 28 isn't that expensive at all. Yay for old stuff no one wants.
My dslr... is going to have to wait longer for another lens. Possibly an 85 or a 28 for that as well. Why no zoom? I'm too poor for a decent one, and I'm a purist like that, aka sorta snobby. And I promised myself only one a year cause they are so expensive.
On top of that, I'm going to go to music shows that I can make and enjoy them.
What's the point of traveling and such? Fun, and where will I end up next. Chicago... is still a place I want to live. Don't ask why, I just do.
But in the end... I'm being over ambitious. I can squeeze these trips in, but then it limits on if I can treat people and stuff, so realistically maybe a trip every couple months. But that's okay. I'm in no rush.
On a side note... developing film is expensive. I wish there was a costco here cause it's cheap there. I'm too cheap to pay for a Sam's club membership, but ya.
There... a post that's more upbeat. One day... I'll look back and laugh at my stupidity. But that day seems far off. Honestly, it might not ever completely come. But that's okay.
I have recently made 2 goals for myself. 1/2 marathon by next spring for sure, but ideally end of this year. I know I can do it, but it's a matter of can I do it fast enough. Aka, under 2 hours which isn't that fast, but I did something like with a friend where we just ran for a long time, so it's doable.
2nd goal, travel. Once a month I'm going to go somewhere farther than a normal car ride aka farther than nova. NY prob next month. Maybe Phili the following. Chapel Hill for the heck of it? And then go from there I guess. Or maybe I'll cancel a couple so I can buy a plane ticket and go to Canada. But... I have to be careful about not using my PTO (paid time off... for those who might not know). I... want to go back to Mexico. I was pretty bummed I couldn't go this summer and more bummed that the trip was canceled. But I need lots o vacation for that kind of mission trip. And eventually I want to go to Japan. But that might happen if I can go to the Philippines next year, which would be sweet cause then most of the trip expenses would be footed by the good ol company.
On top of that... I've settled on a film body I want and the two lenses I want. I have a 55 mm which is decent. And I want a 28 mm as well. Thankfully the 28 isn't that expensive at all. Yay for old stuff no one wants.
My dslr... is going to have to wait longer for another lens. Possibly an 85 or a 28 for that as well. Why no zoom? I'm too poor for a decent one, and I'm a purist like that, aka sorta snobby. And I promised myself only one a year cause they are so expensive.
On top of that, I'm going to go to music shows that I can make and enjoy them.
What's the point of traveling and such? Fun, and where will I end up next. Chicago... is still a place I want to live. Don't ask why, I just do.
But in the end... I'm being over ambitious. I can squeeze these trips in, but then it limits on if I can treat people and stuff, so realistically maybe a trip every couple months. But that's okay. I'm in no rush.
On a side note... developing film is expensive. I wish there was a costco here cause it's cheap there. I'm too cheap to pay for a Sam's club membership, but ya.
There... a post that's more upbeat. One day... I'll look back and laugh at my stupidity. But that day seems far off. Honestly, it might not ever completely come. But that's okay.
Bad Morning Routine
So... I have a confession of a bad morning routine. I've gotten so used to doing it every morning that it's second nature, and I really don't think much of it anymore; hence, if you ask how's it going, I wouldn't process that this was different. Warning: Curse words. lol. Don't think anyone reading this would care.
Wake up. Look in mirror after taking care of stuff. Hello shit. Oh hello there. Continue getting ready. Driving, oh it's a nice day. Yup it is, don't get too happy piece of shit. Get to work. Greet the people, start to read emails and news. Takes a little bit for me to get ready to work. Stare at wrist after taking watch off... back to work (now, don't get all worked up, wouldn't actually do anything, death is just interesting to think about sometimes).
And like I said before I'm an asshole. Well, I'm actually a piece of shit, at least that's what I tell myself. And to be honest, I'm sure Satan is quite happy about it. He doesn't even need to do anything, I'll fuck myself up on my own, thank you very much. I'll make mistakes or blame myself on my own. Being hard on myself. Sure. And granted... to do my best to be objective, I'm not a piece of shit, but I need to be harder on myself, just in a more constructive manner. But you just get to telling yourself that, and it's second nature you know? Guess it's true, tell yourself enough times, and you believe it. I lose myself in hobbies and working out cause they consume me and frankly are enjoyable. Good things that I use wrongly, like so many things in my life.
Not surprisingly this attitude has taken a toll on my spiritual life. Derh.
And then God did something for me... he allowed me to go to a Kari Jobe concert. I've been reading articles and stuff, reminded of so many political issues where God needs to be present and theological topics. And it gets stored away as little snippets of info. Maybe if I'm lucky, I can pull it out later when I have a discussion or something. And then like I said, I went to this concert. And the effect, was like that blog I posted last time. A reminder of the testament of God's love. I'm a piece of shit. But God loves me, cares for me, and made me His child... Sigh. Let's be real, I question that decision a lot. God... you should have left me to die without knowing you, but He didn't. You... still want me. Haha... God isn't there to make me happy. God doesn't need me. I'm nothing... but He wanted to make me something. And as I say this I'm happy, and at the same time thinking aren't you self-centered. But there is a portion of that in Christianity. Yes, there's other people, there's the story of creation, the fall, redemption, etc. And then there's also you. Singularly you. Bam.
You'd think I'd get it right? I've heard this message before. I've had this reminder before, and it comes back time and time again. You'd think... I would change right? Maybe I have been... and maybe... I dunno.
So in the end... I can't completely stop myself from saying stupid stuff to myself. But... I can say, God loves you. Pray and learn. Pray and seek wisdom. Pray and strive. And one day... I'll have a dog that shows me love. Haha. Maybe, but really, I'll be with Him. And I'll say... I'm home.
I'll post pics of the concert tomorrow, but ya... despite monkeying with my camera on and off, there was some good, healthier reflection time there.
Slightly random: Christian radio is sorta stupid at times. Not only in their random talks, but music in general. It's sorta cliched (understandable), but also very similar. Always happy, even "sad" songs have an upbeat feeling. What people don't get angry, hurt, frustrated, make mistakes, and feel remorse? Stupid people... lament already haha. But go back to God. Don't forget that part.
Still scary how the human psyche adjusts, or maybe I'm just dumb. I honestly feel dumber these days. And I ruined my diet today. Pho for dinner, then a burger, and doughnuts... sigh.
Wake up. Look in mirror after taking care of stuff. Hello shit. Oh hello there. Continue getting ready. Driving, oh it's a nice day. Yup it is, don't get too happy piece of shit. Get to work. Greet the people, start to read emails and news. Takes a little bit for me to get ready to work. Stare at wrist after taking watch off... back to work (now, don't get all worked up, wouldn't actually do anything, death is just interesting to think about sometimes).
And like I said before I'm an asshole. Well, I'm actually a piece of shit, at least that's what I tell myself. And to be honest, I'm sure Satan is quite happy about it. He doesn't even need to do anything, I'll fuck myself up on my own, thank you very much. I'll make mistakes or blame myself on my own. Being hard on myself. Sure. And granted... to do my best to be objective, I'm not a piece of shit, but I need to be harder on myself, just in a more constructive manner. But you just get to telling yourself that, and it's second nature you know? Guess it's true, tell yourself enough times, and you believe it. I lose myself in hobbies and working out cause they consume me and frankly are enjoyable. Good things that I use wrongly, like so many things in my life.
Not surprisingly this attitude has taken a toll on my spiritual life. Derh.
And then God did something for me... he allowed me to go to a Kari Jobe concert. I've been reading articles and stuff, reminded of so many political issues where God needs to be present and theological topics. And it gets stored away as little snippets of info. Maybe if I'm lucky, I can pull it out later when I have a discussion or something. And then like I said, I went to this concert. And the effect, was like that blog I posted last time. A reminder of the testament of God's love. I'm a piece of shit. But God loves me, cares for me, and made me His child... Sigh. Let's be real, I question that decision a lot. God... you should have left me to die without knowing you, but He didn't. You... still want me. Haha... God isn't there to make me happy. God doesn't need me. I'm nothing... but He wanted to make me something. And as I say this I'm happy, and at the same time thinking aren't you self-centered. But there is a portion of that in Christianity. Yes, there's other people, there's the story of creation, the fall, redemption, etc. And then there's also you. Singularly you. Bam.
You'd think I'd get it right? I've heard this message before. I've had this reminder before, and it comes back time and time again. You'd think... I would change right? Maybe I have been... and maybe... I dunno.
So in the end... I can't completely stop myself from saying stupid stuff to myself. But... I can say, God loves you. Pray and learn. Pray and seek wisdom. Pray and strive. And one day... I'll have a dog that shows me love. Haha. Maybe, but really, I'll be with Him. And I'll say... I'm home.
I'll post pics of the concert tomorrow, but ya... despite monkeying with my camera on and off, there was some good, healthier reflection time there.
Slightly random: Christian radio is sorta stupid at times. Not only in their random talks, but music in general. It's sorta cliched (understandable), but also very similar. Always happy, even "sad" songs have an upbeat feeling. What people don't get angry, hurt, frustrated, make mistakes, and feel remorse? Stupid people... lament already haha. But go back to God. Don't forget that part.
Still scary how the human psyche adjusts, or maybe I'm just dumb. I honestly feel dumber these days. And I ruined my diet today. Pho for dinner, then a burger, and doughnuts... sigh.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Reading blogs
Reading blogs that are academic or deep or informative get old you know. I force myself to read them... but sometimes you come across gems.
THINKING GOD WILL RUN OUT OF WELCOME HOME BANNERS.
This is one of those. But I enjoy reading people's blogs more. So if you have one, update it please.
And on a different note...
In case you didn't know, I'm an asshole. Not in the blatant way, at least not all the time, but I am. I hated myself for a long time. So then I went the other extreme, you can't hate yourself... and that's when I thought things were better, but in reality, I was just effing so many things up. And now here I am... hating myself again. People sometimes say you're too hard on yourself. Well you know what, I beg to differ. If I was hard enough on myself, I would have stopped myself from doing so many stupid things. I wouldn't be where I am now. I'd be different. Or maybe those are just empty hopes and aspirations. The very hopes and aspirations that I've slowly been tossing out the window. Many of them superficial... but still some aren't. It hurts to say goodbye and trash them. Maybe that's just growing up? Maybe that's recognizing how hard this world is, and how even as a college student you don't really know what's up with the world. Maybe that's when you learn to get back and go on. I don't know.
In light of that blog above, shouldn't I recognize God's grace and love all the more? Yes, I say. Yes! But... it's still there... that unshakable feeling that I'm a monster. And in a large way, I am. And that leads to an increased uneasiness in dealing with people that I didn't use to have. Do I treat my friends differently? Nah, at least I don't think so. Do I treat strangers differently? Yes. I'm more wary. I don't trust myself. Even typing stupid things like haha or lol is starting to get annoying. These sardonic grins and laughter can only sustain so long.
And then... that's when I look outward. And I see beauty around me. I see struggles around me. And I get lost. I think that's the main reason I like photography. I get lost in trying to find a picture that speaks to me. I get lost in finally having that picture. That moment that will never appear exactly again. It's also sad cause... it's gone. But for that moment it's there, and it's captured. And maybe that's why I still like listening to people. I like getting hearing their story. Who they are. Cause you get lost in it.
Have you ever just closed your eyes and listened to the world around you. Just stopped and soaked it in? If you haven't... do so. Maybe you won't appreciate it like I do, who knows though.
But then where does this leave me? Great question. When I figure that out I'll get back to you. I don't know where I'm going with everything I've been typing. I'm just so lost these days. Honestly, I'm not really that frustrated or down generally. It's just always on the back of my mind, but it's been like that for a long time. God is still God. God is still beautiful. He is still the only thing that I can cling to. And everyday has it's own issues, so let's go world. You've beaten me down, and I've done more harm to myself, but hey... leggo. I'll shake myself off. Dust myself down. I'll get up off of the ground, and I'll go. Each step treading as far as I can see, with God, right there beside me.
Sick song (not Christian):
Macklemore- Wings
You have to listen to this. Beat is on point. But the lyrics... the story captured, that's music. He's actually really talented, only been realizing that over the past couple weeks.
This blog is not very coherent. And I'm too tired to make it coherent. Sorry. But what is really cool, is I get to see Chelsea and Roma play soccer tomorrow live. Sick!
THINKING GOD WILL RUN OUT OF WELCOME HOME BANNERS.
This is one of those. But I enjoy reading people's blogs more. So if you have one, update it please.
And on a different note...
In case you didn't know, I'm an asshole. Not in the blatant way, at least not all the time, but I am. I hated myself for a long time. So then I went the other extreme, you can't hate yourself... and that's when I thought things were better, but in reality, I was just effing so many things up. And now here I am... hating myself again. People sometimes say you're too hard on yourself. Well you know what, I beg to differ. If I was hard enough on myself, I would have stopped myself from doing so many stupid things. I wouldn't be where I am now. I'd be different. Or maybe those are just empty hopes and aspirations. The very hopes and aspirations that I've slowly been tossing out the window. Many of them superficial... but still some aren't. It hurts to say goodbye and trash them. Maybe that's just growing up? Maybe that's recognizing how hard this world is, and how even as a college student you don't really know what's up with the world. Maybe that's when you learn to get back and go on. I don't know.
In light of that blog above, shouldn't I recognize God's grace and love all the more? Yes, I say. Yes! But... it's still there... that unshakable feeling that I'm a monster. And in a large way, I am. And that leads to an increased uneasiness in dealing with people that I didn't use to have. Do I treat my friends differently? Nah, at least I don't think so. Do I treat strangers differently? Yes. I'm more wary. I don't trust myself. Even typing stupid things like haha or lol is starting to get annoying. These sardonic grins and laughter can only sustain so long.
And then... that's when I look outward. And I see beauty around me. I see struggles around me. And I get lost. I think that's the main reason I like photography. I get lost in trying to find a picture that speaks to me. I get lost in finally having that picture. That moment that will never appear exactly again. It's also sad cause... it's gone. But for that moment it's there, and it's captured. And maybe that's why I still like listening to people. I like getting hearing their story. Who they are. Cause you get lost in it.
Have you ever just closed your eyes and listened to the world around you. Just stopped and soaked it in? If you haven't... do so. Maybe you won't appreciate it like I do, who knows though.
But then where does this leave me? Great question. When I figure that out I'll get back to you. I don't know where I'm going with everything I've been typing. I'm just so lost these days. Honestly, I'm not really that frustrated or down generally. It's just always on the back of my mind, but it's been like that for a long time. God is still God. God is still beautiful. He is still the only thing that I can cling to. And everyday has it's own issues, so let's go world. You've beaten me down, and I've done more harm to myself, but hey... leggo. I'll shake myself off. Dust myself down. I'll get up off of the ground, and I'll go. Each step treading as far as I can see, with God, right there beside me.
Sick song (not Christian):
Macklemore- Wings
You have to listen to this. Beat is on point. But the lyrics... the story captured, that's music. He's actually really talented, only been realizing that over the past couple weeks.
This blog is not very coherent. And I'm too tired to make it coherent. Sorry. But what is really cool, is I get to see Chelsea and Roma play soccer tomorrow live. Sick!
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