Bad Morning Routine

So... I have a confession of a bad morning routine. I've gotten so used to doing it every morning that it's second nature, and I really don't think much of it anymore; hence, if you ask how's it going, I wouldn't process that this was different. Warning: Curse words. lol. Don't think anyone reading this would care.

Wake up. Look in mirror after taking care of stuff. Hello shit. Oh hello there. Continue getting ready. Driving, oh it's a nice day. Yup it is, don't get too happy piece of shit. Get to work. Greet the people, start to read emails and news. Takes a little bit for me to get ready to work. Stare at wrist after taking watch off... back to work (now, don't get all worked up, wouldn't actually do anything, death is just interesting to think about sometimes).

And like I said before I'm an asshole. Well, I'm actually a piece of shit, at least that's what I tell myself. And to be honest, I'm sure Satan is quite happy about it. He doesn't even need to do anything, I'll fuck myself up on my own, thank you very much. I'll make mistakes or blame myself on my own. Being hard on myself. Sure. And granted... to do my best to be objective, I'm not a piece of shit, but I need to be harder on myself, just in a more constructive manner. But you just get to telling yourself that, and it's second nature you know? Guess it's true, tell yourself enough times, and you believe it. I lose myself in hobbies and working out cause they consume me and frankly are enjoyable. Good things that I use wrongly, like so many things in my life.

Not surprisingly this attitude has taken a toll on my spiritual life. Derh.

And then God did something for me... he allowed me to go to a Kari Jobe concert. I've been reading articles and stuff, reminded of so many political issues where God needs to be present and theological topics. And it gets stored away as little snippets of info. Maybe if I'm lucky, I can pull it out later when I have a discussion or something. And then like I said, I went to this concert. And the effect, was like that blog I posted last time. A reminder of the testament of God's love. I'm a piece of shit. But God loves me, cares for me, and made me His child... Sigh. Let's be real, I question that decision a lot. God... you should have left me to die without knowing you, but He didn't. You... still want me. Haha... God isn't there to make me happy. God doesn't need me. I'm nothing... but He wanted to make me something. And as I say this I'm happy, and at the same time thinking aren't you self-centered. But there is a portion of that in Christianity. Yes, there's other people, there's the story of creation, the fall, redemption, etc. And then there's also you. Singularly you. Bam.

You'd think I'd get it right? I've heard this message before. I've had this reminder before, and it comes back time and time again. You'd think... I would change right? Maybe I have been... and maybe... I dunno.

So in the end... I can't completely stop myself from saying stupid stuff to myself. But... I can say, God loves you. Pray and learn. Pray and seek wisdom. Pray and strive. And one day... I'll have a dog that shows me love. Haha. Maybe, but really, I'll be with Him. And I'll say... I'm home.

I'll post pics of the concert tomorrow, but ya... despite monkeying with my camera on and off, there was some good, healthier reflection time there.

Slightly random: Christian radio is sorta stupid at times. Not only in their random talks, but music in general. It's sorta cliched (understandable), but also very similar. Always happy, even "sad" songs have an upbeat feeling. What people don't get angry, hurt, frustrated, make mistakes, and feel remorse? Stupid people... lament already haha. But go back to God. Don't forget that part.

Still scary how the human psyche adjusts, or maybe I'm just dumb. I honestly feel dumber these days. And I ruined my diet today. Pho for dinner, then a burger, and doughnuts... sigh.