Reading blogs

Reading blogs that are academic or deep or informative get old you know. I force myself to read them... but sometimes you come across gems.

THINKING GOD WILL RUN OUT OF WELCOME HOME BANNERS.

This is one of those. But I enjoy reading people's blogs more. So if you have one, update it please.

And on a different note...

In case you didn't know, I'm an asshole. Not in the blatant way, at least not all the time, but I am. I hated myself for a long time. So then I went the other extreme, you can't hate yourself... and that's when I thought things were better, but in reality, I was just effing so many things up. And now here I am... hating myself again. People sometimes say you're too hard on yourself. Well you know what, I beg to differ. If I was hard enough on myself, I would have stopped myself from doing so many stupid things. I wouldn't be where I am now. I'd be different. Or maybe those are just empty hopes and aspirations. The very hopes and aspirations that I've slowly been tossing out the window. Many of them superficial... but still some aren't. It hurts to say goodbye and trash them. Maybe that's just growing up? Maybe that's recognizing how hard this world is, and how even as a college student you don't really know what's up with the world. Maybe that's when you learn to get back and go on. I don't know.

In light of that blog above, shouldn't I recognize God's grace and love all the more? Yes, I say. Yes! But... it's still there... that unshakable feeling that I'm a monster. And in a large way, I am. And that leads to an increased uneasiness in dealing with people that I didn't use to have. Do I treat my friends differently? Nah, at least I don't think so. Do I treat strangers differently? Yes. I'm more wary. I don't trust myself. Even typing stupid things like haha or lol is starting to get annoying. These sardonic grins and laughter can only sustain so long.

And then... that's when I look outward. And I see beauty around me. I see struggles around me. And I get lost. I think that's the main reason I like photography. I get lost in trying to find a picture that speaks to me. I get lost in finally having that picture. That moment that will never appear exactly again. It's also sad cause... it's gone. But for that moment it's there, and it's captured. And maybe that's why I still like listening to people. I like getting hearing their story. Who they are. Cause you get lost in it.

Have you ever just closed your eyes and listened to the world around you. Just stopped and soaked it in? If you haven't... do so. Maybe you won't appreciate it like I do, who knows though.

But then where does this leave me? Great question. When I figure that out I'll get back to you. I don't know where I'm going with everything I've been typing. I'm just so lost these days. Honestly, I'm not really that frustrated or down generally. It's just always on the back of my mind, but it's been like that for a long time. God is still God. God is still beautiful. He is still the only thing that I can cling to. And everyday has it's own issues, so let's go world. You've beaten me down, and I've done more harm to myself, but hey... leggo. I'll shake myself off. Dust myself down. I'll get up off of the ground, and I'll go.  Each step treading as far as I can see, with God, right there beside me.

Sick song (not Christian):
Macklemore- Wings
You have to listen to this. Beat is on point. But the lyrics... the story captured, that's music. He's actually really talented, only been realizing that over the past couple weeks.

This blog is not very coherent. And I'm too tired to make it coherent. Sorry. But what is really cool, is I get to see Chelsea and Roma play soccer tomorrow live. Sick!