Seeing the struggle between recognizing God, love, the fact that I need help etc. and let's just say darkness. I wonder if one day I'll just say to hell with it all and end everything in a nice red pool. Ideally it would be finding a high cliff or mountain or plateau and diving off. The free fall. The freedom of flight ultimately ending in panic as I see my demise, and then God... and then I cower away from such thoughts. And yet they always return.
I hate my emotional state, but more than that... I hate me. I tell God why... why am I alive? Why am I here? Why am I so freaking stupid? And then on the flip side, I say God, I'm not built for this corporate life. I'm not built for this. I need more. I can't just help people make money for the sake of it. It rubs me the wrong way. I want to be out there. People are dying and I'm sitting on my ass, spending too much time reflecting on my own bull shit problems.
What do I look forward to? Where do I want to be in 10 years? Ideally, dead. Realistically, that won't happen. I have too much self control for that. I won't let myself go crazy with eating. I won't stop exercising. I won't stop doing what i need to. I won't stop paying bills. I won't stop many things. Instead I'll just internalize it all until I finally learn to let go completely and love God, or... well that's the only option. So instead 10 years from now, I will do what I want. Missions. Live among the people. After this year of work, I will go on short term missions. And either return to working or something who knows. Am I qualified to go? What does that even mean? But I guess by my definition, no, but if there is one thing I can do... it's empathize with those hurting.
I've been lost for so long, I don't think I can get a way out. It's like a nice deep hole. You get trapped, but you get food everyday to survive etc. At first you panic and desperately you want out, and there are scars on ur hands and knees from when you scraped again and again and again. But then... it feels normal to be there. It feels like second nature. And then the thought of fighting your way out seems foreign. If someone offered you a line to escape you'd doubt it. Isn't that complacency? Is that the trap of everything?
My nightmares don't occur when I sleep. That's when I dream. That's my break. They occur during that waking moment because in the end you can't run or hide instead, they are real.
But there's always glimmers of hope, which help move on every day. Which help me stay alive.
I just remembered a conversation I had almost a week ago with a couple individuals. One asked have you ever felt that you aren't good enough for someone. The other person I was with said no, and I don't understand people that think that way. And then me... haha. Inside I laughed that sardonic laugh, and said ideally no, it's not true, but yes the feelings are there due to insecurities. yadda yadda. But me being the master of deflection that I am, I described it in such a way that made it clear to the person who didn't understand how people think that way. And they responded in a half joking oh so wise. And all I could say was nah with a smile... but inside, I said... it's not wisdom. When you've screwed up enough you understand. When you lost yourself so many times in the pit of despair it's second nature. I just hope... that person never feels that way. Let it just be something he's heard about, and nothing that he experiences. I sincerely hope that people live happier lives. That they aren't plagued with the stupid doubts that flood my life.
This is the first time, I've felt like I'm fighting a losing battle. Normally, I can pull of stability or at least flat line, but damn... at least somethings are working out like I expected or hoped. As long as there's someone there with me, I stabilize some, but once that door is closed gg my friend, gg. Oh Satan... guess we're closer than I ever imagined.
- "Lord, I am a desperate person in need of a help today."
- "Lord, in your grace, would you send your helpers me way?"
- "Lord, would you give me the humility to accept that help when it comes?"
Good stuff above. The only plus side about me being in this emotional state, is my inspiration with words and metaphors is incredible, at least in my head. I free style with rhymes and a flow that just comes from me. But granted... it's all in my head haha. Pretty much all of this was written throughout the day so pardon the jumpiness or whatever.
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