"Feeling sick and helpless, lost the compass where self is
I know what I gotta do and I can’t help it"

Macklemore is a freaking genius.

Neon Cathedral- Macklemore ft. Allen Stone
"And a truth that's so strong, I'd be a fool not to take it"
"Closed the Bible a while ago, I need some shots for this sin"
"I read the Bible but I forgot the verses
The liquor store is open later than the church is"
"Underneath this fragile frame, lives a battle between pride and shame"

Otherside- Macklemore (Fences Remix)
Original is good too.

Even his mixed tape is sick... "no i gotta let it go, i'm just to selfish to set it free"

But he's a bit too depressing at times, which certainly doesn't help me... and his more upbeat songs veer towards modern day crap.

Deleted a bunch of crap that I wrote yesterday. Today, was better than I expected. Thanks to those who convinced me to go. A nice change of pace. And I printed more photos. Sam's Club so cheap. And key to old school grainy poorly processed photos? Use old film... like film that expired a long time ago. That's what I did. Not what I wanted, but deal with it. Film is done guys... but until it's completely done, Imma keep it going. Love that feeling of opening it up and thinking how will this turn out.

Had an interesting convo with a person today asked relatively deep questions. Didn't mind, but interesting.

It's crazy though... today was nice. And I wish I could just end it there...

I realized something today... I had/have an irrational fear of Korean families. I guess cause the only notion I have (and I mean families that only speak Korean to each other at home, and like older) is from when I was little with my grandparents. How... they loved me in their own way, but gave my mom so much crap that it drove her away. Gave her so much crap cause of me, and the life that she lived. And gave my aunt crap that it drove her away too. They acted so nice to me, but I couldn't understand half of what they said, see? And I mistrusted those settings after that. It was my mom, my step-dad and my aunt and the uncle that she married, and that was it. Always a wall up, partially cause of a language barrier, but partly cause... I can't tell exactly what's going on. But what I experienced today was different. Was refreshing. Was for a lack of a better word, cute and loving. Thank you to the person. And thank you God.

I have a lot of double standards. Not for people but for myself. I berate myself, I break myself down. But the beauty of "Starting Over" is the honesty that he speaks, but in the end there's the hope in the end. Brief, struggling to be expressed, but there. But unlike him, I have hope founded up on Jesus. Someone concrete, someone not man yet man. Someone supernatural. Someone who died for me. Jesus... thank you.

Life is not about me and what I do or I've done. It's about how I can give glory to the One. It's not about shouldering on, it's about falling before Him. And saying it is done.

I'm reminded today, that the reason I wanted to serve is cause I wanted to give back to God and help others. But the reason I will serve in the future, is not cause I'm better. Not cause I'm smarter, or anything. I am the worst of these and more. The thoughts and my actions have are the testament to that. Yet, we serve and love cause God loved us first. We serve and we love purely cause of Christ. Being able to help is a plus. Feeling like I'm giving back to God is a plus. But none of that really matters. My thoughts and my hopelessness are ultimately foolish, and not just foolish in an oh get over it kind of sense. Foolishness in a... it doesn't compare to Christ. And too often, I get prideful and place myself up. When Christ is shining over.

That being said... I'm sure I will continue to struggle. And it's interesting not just in a sadistic way, but in a good way as well.

Still Macklemore is legit guys haha. Imma buy his album, and I only buy albums that I really like now cause I don't download music anymore. Neither should you. Don't think God approves of it, and you're not helping the artist.