Learning

One of the Gestapo officers sent to observe the proceedings remarked to one of the pastors, “This is the way kings are buried!” to which the pastor replied: “Hardly! What is happening here is that a blood witness of Jesus Christ is borne to the grave.”
Deep my friend. Deep.

http://www.paultripp.com/articles/posts/reasons-to-be-passive-part-3

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2013/11/27/quit/
made me chuckle at work

Randomness, my coworker's sister works for a clothes line company, designer group, whatever you want to call it. So he gets free jeans. Sick deals. That's pretty cool imho. Also cool, free lunch a couple days ago. :) Also cooler, getting to learn more about coworkers that I don't interact at all with. I'm too quiet cause I can't think of anything cool to say in the conversation, but I got to learn so much more about them. It was fun. Like actually fun.

Curses in my job situation? If I finish it quickly, which I try to do... I'm left with nothing. Which would be fine if I worked from home. Cause then I could do some chores. Jam out cause I'm trying to play my guitar again after a several month hiatus. Do some jumping jacks to wake up, I dunno. But then working at home for more than a couple days makes me antsy, cause literally... I'm in my room for way too long.

Random cool things I've found/quirks to keep in mind:
Kickstarter is cool. Like I'm realizing it now, but it's really cool. Case in point, I might buy this.
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/702400282/maxstone-iphone-your-camera

Tip for staying warm in winter. What happens to clothes as you wear them? They wear out. And most of the time it's just get rid of them or something. But, if you have an old wool sweater that has holes in it... use it for lounging or sleeping should you want. I plan on doing that while snowboarding cause who cares if there are holes. Longsleeve, wool sweater, fleece, shell ready for sub freezing temps baby. Why? Cause wool is incredibly warm for it's weight compared to cotton, a natural body odor fighter, and wool sweaters breath well. And cotton absorbs all your sweat like a nasty boss. So now I get to get more use out of a sweater that I had every intention of tossing away. Yay me.

But in all seriousness, new years is approaching. Whereas normally I say what the the heck it's just another day, I want to recap my goals.
1) Volunteer
2) Save money
3) Short term missions in Japan
4) Learn more and act more like Christ
5) Six pack (why not keep on trying haha)
6) Limit spending (aka some clothes to replace my shirts with holes, laptop, possibly new cell phone, some small things)
7) Change job position or new job (unless something cool happens with my job, but doubtful)
     Sub goal to this, move out of C'ville unless something makes me want to stay
8) Visit the family I haven't seen for over four years... cray cray.
9) Share with my family my future goals
10) Read books (Currently reading Mark of a Man, Don't Waste Your Life, Boy Meets Girl (No there is no reason for this, please don't misinterpret. Just wanted something on a different topic if that makes sense))

These goals are not in any particular order, and number 9 will probably happen sometime this week. But I'm scared in many ways to be honest. Am I qualified to dream these dreams of mine for serving? Nah. But will I ever be qualified? Nah. But we'll see how that goes. For real... scared.

Btw family, I'm going to be forever poor in the world. And... ya, I'm going to be poor. In fact, I'll be surviving based on the grace of God and the kindness/power of Holy Spirit in others. Oh dear...

Which honestly is scary in other ways too. Could I realistically invite someone to join me for a life like that? Overseas? Other potential complications? Yet is it worth it in the end? Yes... yes I dare say it is. But that's still intimidating, to both my parents and to any potential other. But in the end, it's say it. And trust in God. Anxiety is a reminder that I don't trust in God enough. Being cautious is not a sign of lack of trust in my opinion, but that's a fine line. Regardless, learning to trust my friends. Learning to trust. But this applies to so many other aspects in my life. Prob expounding to be done at some point.

Random guilty secret that's funny. So I have to put lotion on during the winter cause my skin dries out really quickly and gets ashy. Joggeum gross. But I forgot to pack lotion, so after my shower I looked in the bathroom for lotion. (On a ski trip with my fam currently). And found body butter that smells like warm vanilla. So relaxing haha. Will I potentially buy some in the future for winter use? Maybe. Don't judge me guys. But it's like having a candle smell following you, so relaxing.

Christmas Eve

http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/11/we-should-do-away-with-should.html
Interesting.

Downtime at work means random article reading and etc. I looked up a cost of living calculator for fun. Is it accurate? I highly doubt it, but for a general feel it can't hurt. And it was fun. Each time I typed in a new city, I was instantly like oh man could I survive here? So expensive or I was like oh, not that different. Granted my rent right now is super cheap. Thanks to living with roommates. But still, it's fun. If I moved there and found a job, would be cool. Or if I stayed in this job and moved, that would be cool too (minus staying in this job, more like a different position same company). But everything is up in the air my friends. The world is full of uncertainty, and I will live in it.

http://michaelkelleyministries.com/2013/11/wisdom-is-not-an-endless-series-of-unanswered-questions/
Case in point. Act, go, and live. Screw up and get up.

Sometimes... I feel trapped by work. Stuck in an office. Stuck in a grind. It's been 6 months people. 6 months... crazy. I was sorta saddened when I talked to a friend and their bonus is more than a 1/4 of my yearly salary haha. But I've realized do I need that much more money? To live not at all. To save? Ya... it'd be nice. I could save more money for my brother and seminary that much faster. Or any other significant life events. Objectively, I would be tithing more money than I am now. Etc. That being said, please let me know if you or someone you know is going on missions. I would like to support them if I can. Although please don't abuse this, I'm willing but I'm not rich by any stretch of the imagination guys.

Oh life... that's right I said a happy post. This one isn't that sad at all in my opinion. But happier things. I'm leaving work early to go home for Christmas Eve. Get to see my family. Spend Christmas with them, and then come back Christmas evening so I can work the following day. But overall, things are relatively chill here at work so no complaints. In reality, I don't have much to complain about. I'm blessed in so many ways. I'm blessed when I shouldn't be. And so I give a little smile to God. And say thanks. Sorry about the mess, but thanks. So despite all my bitter invectives, when it comes down to it, the only complaints and charges that I truly hold are against myself. Which in the light of God's forgiveness and through spending time with Him, will fade. So this isn't a bubbly happy, this is a reminder of where I draw my happiness from. I'm sure I'll have a bubbly happy post within the next couple weeks, probably just because of snowboarding achievements that I hope to make. Merry Christmas Eve and Christmas everyone haha. Dunno if I'll write a post tomorrow in time to say Merry Christmas.

EDIT
Just read this... oh garsh. Haha
http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/are-books-your-shell-collection

Belong

Where do I belong? Where my friends are? Where my fellowship is? Where my family is? Where I "feel" like I belong?

I don't have an answer at the moment. Perhaps that's why I long to be married? Cause then you belong with your wife right? Haha sounds so selfish when I put it that way. Perhaps that's the problem though. I shouldn't be in a relationship cause inherently I'm gaining something out of it. Is that completely wrong? I would argue no. Isn't that perfectly natural that there are some gains and losses? But then if they were with me, more losses than gains, so better to not be in a relationship right? In the end, there's someone better for them. But of course for other people that doesn't matter, what matters is the present. But for me it does matter because I'm the worst or something. And as such, I'm a "special" case or some bs, which in the end is pure hypocrisy.

So that aside, where do I belong? C'ville? I certainly live there. I certainly work there. But do I belong there? Or is that just my objective opinion? I have friends there. But do I honestly feel more at home there then I do in NOVA at my aunt's house or in Richmond at my family's house? Not really. The only real difference is, I am responsible for my living situation in C'ville. But do I belong? I haven't gone to Trinity enough to find friends there. So no real fellowship.

But do I really feel at home with my family? I feel fall more comfortable than I used to. Why cause I'm realizing that I love them. But do I belong there?

In the end what does this even mean?

And yes we can all toss out the but you belong to God. You are His. Earth is not your real home, your real home is in heaven. Etc. Cool. Thanks. Yet, I feel like there's something I'm missing. But maybe I'm not. Maybe that's the point. There's no place that I will truly belong in. Oh God... I think too much at the wrong times don't I?

Haha. That's the main issue of my life. I'm just stupid.

That and I'm the most jaded SOB when it comes to myself. Spent some time enjoying some day dreams/hopes and then systematically dismantled them. Why? Cause they won't come true nor should they come true. Who decides that? I do haha.

When I was younger, I always wanted a big house. I wanted to show it off, and be like yup here's my house. Well, my family doesn't have a big one. We haven't moved for a long time. And to be honest, I like our house a lot. I visited CL's house for the first time last night. It was beautiful. As in that house could make to look like a showroom or something and just been like wow. I also realized... it doesn't appeal to me like it used to. I have no desire for a big house. To be honest, I've been randomly staring at houses that I drive by in C'ville. And I'm like could I live there? Would I want to buy it? But... I've realized I'm going to be slightly nomadic for a while. Every couple years probably changing where I'm at. Why? Work/another job possibly/seminary/then God knows where. And ultimately Japan for at least a couple years if not more.

Will I ever own a house? Maybe if I inherit the one from my family should they die a premature death? Honestly, I don't how else I'd get one. But I'm happy... that something like that has been let go from my list of wrong desires. Not that having a big house is sinful at all. Please don't get me wrong.

Also last night, I drove back to C'ville from NOVA at midnight. Stupid right? Yup. Was I tying to tempt fate? Haha, I don't know. I just decided that's what I was going to do. Overall it was fine. Hit that sleepy spell in the middle and overcame it relatively fine. Then I had the great idea to turn off all the music. And the silence was oppressive. I felt like I was suffocating for a split second, and then I was reminded that is peaceful. This is what I want. And the discomfort slowly subsided to thoughtful (actually depressing) reflection, and some good old praying. And then the combination of silence and late night took it's toll. That last 20 minutes driving home was rough... whew. But I'm still alive aren't I?

In the end, I haven't died yet. And at church today, I heard these hauntingly beautiful hymns. I was captivated. I was lost... and I was amazed. Mankind, you can make the most beautiful things, and then we can eff the world up at the same time haha. Sigh. I think last night, as I began to fall asleep, is the first time in a while where I was legit half thinking is this a dream? Will I wake up and be much older or much younger, and say what a fascinating dream? And as I woke up to super dark and rainy day, it only helped to reinforce that mindset. And then I got to work, and I remember nope this is reality. The beautiful and ugly reality.

But ultimately the question is, do I let my own thoughts guide me or do I submit to God? Do I decide to press on because of God, or do I just stay in this stupid asinine bubble of stupidity. The answer is clearly God. Which is why I dare hope. I dare dream. I dare be happy. Even if part of me wants to fight it all the while.

Don't worry, I plan to post a happy post in the next couple days to balance out all this madness.
Grown Up Christmas Wish- Michael Buble
My fav Christmas song, but one of my fav singers.

Food

http://www.demilked.com/breast-cancer-bob-linda-carey-foundation-pink-tutu-project/
Dang. Could you do this? I honestly don't think I could.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/317081629986033212/
challenge do this. I will.

Last night, I ate at a nice restaurant. Pretty fancy. And I liked it, until a bunch of old blood rich Richmonders came in. And I was turned off. -_- They all act the same. They all look at those with different clothes or minorities with a o.O, sigh. They honestly ruined a good experience. The fish was incredible. The vegetables just steamed, so meh. But the fish, I was genuinely impressed with. Guys sea salt makes a difference, get it. I know I plan to. Now my surroundings? Take your pompous, I'm somewhat racist, but can't admit it cause I know it's socially wrong attitude out of my face. Haha. Over reacting? Why yes I am. I know I am. But did some of those people give my family weird looks? Yup. Did I want to get in a fight? Possibly... but of course that's not socially acceptable. :P But I liked the food still, so people aside yumz. My brother was funny tho. He looked at the price, and immediately said I don't want to eat here. Good kid.

Then fast forward to where I'm babysitting my cousin in nova. Sigh so much driving this month. And she took the bows out of her hair and asked me to put them back in. Good thing she's 3. Cause I had no idea how to do it, and gave her the perfect split in the middle, aka looked sort of ridiculous.

Now let's fast forward to the future. Cause in my world, we can do that. How many more people will I hurt before I die? Probably too many to count. So am I afraid? Yes. I'm afraid of myself. And there's a basic fear inside of me of others as well. I'm pretty sure we all have that tho to some extent. People are pretty scary guys and yet so necessary and wonderful in life.

I... have too many things flying through my head. I wish they would all disappear. But then... I'd be a vegetable. What confuses me the most? probably myself. Sigh.

2 Posts in One Day?

Speaking of money. One thing that's cool, being able to pay for things. Not just pay cause do that makes sense. But I mean support things that before I couldn't reasonably do. For example, buying something from a company that has a more eco-friendly twist. Why wouldn't I before? Price. Or my next pair of dress shoes and possibly boots (if I get them) will be from America, not that this will happen for a year at the earliest more than likely. Why? Cause it feels nice to know that they are made here in the States. Not somewhere else, possibly exploiting people, shipped overseas wasting energy, then in my hands. But who's to say workers here aren't exploited as well? Depending on your stance, living wage inclines you to say that people are not paid enough and exploited here in the states.

Does this mean that I will always do this? I'm sorry to say no. Sometimes... price can't be beat. But if it's a company that I know has some bad things then I will try to stray away. If you know the dirt, please let me know! And local is good guys. Returned from dropping stuff off at the tailor. I have to go back cause... I was too indecisive there and realized I want my jacket sleeves shorter after I left, but tis all good. But it feels nice to know that my money will be going straight to those people there. Cool. Not some huge corporation where the money flows who knows where there's like an overpaid CEO (not that they don't work hard, but do you really need that much money??), but to that specific family. Although it's more expensive that I would like... curse you shorter legs and shorter arms than avg.

You know what would be cool? If I could make my own clothes. Why would it be cool? I dunno, I would just feel super old school and legit. Haha. I'm weird.

Drifting

People drift in and out of people's lives. So general, and we all know it. But sometimes, it's sad to think about it. Cue emo post that has been deleted at least I wrote it back when I was watching snow fall. So peaceful.

Small perk of my job. Got a Sam's Club member ship for 18.75 ish due to the company helping pay. Split it with another person so now it's half. Aww ya. And it says business member, feeling professional.

Hey You, Don't Treat My Wife Like That
That's how you do it.

Don't wear one on your chest if you don't carry it on your back. (referring to Christ)
-Andy Mineo

We Are Far Too Easily Displeased
Ouch

Spiritual gifts and spiritual fruits are not the same.
-Keller
This one hit. It's part of another sermon I listened by him over the course of a couple days. Just a minor distinction that we overlook. If I someone gifted, it's like dang so holy. But he or she is just gifted. Their devotion to God, their manifestation of the Holy Spirit are completely different things. Oh Keller, you might be the new DA Carson for me haha.

Let's bring some coherence back to this post tho. Lots of things fly through my mind these days. Some last days some last minutes. But all in all, things aren't terrible these days. Money comes and goes, in terms of successfully saving. Costs arise. Then back to saving. This odd cycle. For example, last month I had to pay for my car issues. This month it's paying for the classes I'll be taking next semester. Then next month will probably be car issues again. I'm suspicious of a couple things but afraid to take it in and hear hello sir your repairs are an estimated $800 again. Well screw you! Haha jk. Safety is important, but just makes me sad when it flows like that, but better than being like Mom I need money cause I can't cover this. Regardless, money is weird. Being involved in ministry full-time relying on donations, crazy. You have to fund-raise so much just to break even not including saving for a family (if you have one) or paying for school (if you're in one), etc. But regardless if things go well, next year I will receiving around 1.5 grand back just by reimbursement for classes (if I get an A) and random security deposits that will be returned. The question is what do I do with it? I've been reading a lot on investing lately. Because I'm capable? Nah, I don't care enough nor am I motivated enough. But would I be willing to give it to an investor? Maybe. Do I have enough to make a huge difference? Nope, not at all. Just interesting new avenues of life to explore I guess.

But in the end it's all foolishness. In the end this all will fade. So in reality I'd rather die young than old. By young I think 60-70 would be nice, but if I die tomorrow that'd be cool too I guess (not really, cause there's so much coolness in the world left to explore, so much sadness left in the world to pray and empathize for, so much pain that I would like to document and swim in to ideally help others, and so many frowns that I would hope to turn upside down). Reality, I won't do any of that or at least not in the ways I want. I saw people take pictures of homeless in a studio to help reinforce their inherent value as people rather than our label of homeless. I saw people take pictures of cancer patients dressed up to make them smile and laugh apart from their terminal illness. That's what I wish I could do. Make someone smile. Point them in the right direction of Christ.

But alas, I sit at a desk job staring at numbers and text. At least, I'm slowly getting closer to my co-workers. I just need to chillax a lot and try to talk to them more, regardless of all the stupid petty fights and grumblings, I see in the office. Guys and gals, corporate has some really stupid stuff going on in it. Just people that need to shut up and grow up, or learn to let go. Haha. Not that I'm saying I'm better, but all means I need to shut up more. I need to grow up more. I need to "a lot of things" more. Yet, that's what makes life interesting.

That and landing jumps while snowboarding. Heck ya. My goal is to master at least a 180 this winter,to be able to go down comfortably with either foot forward, and just get better. Who knows maybe I'll get a trick snowboard one day (yes there are different ones that lend themselves to different things, does it make a big difference? actually, yes it does). But I probably won't. Better ways to use that money, like on a friend or someone in need or an organization that's doing something amazing.

A Female's Most Powerful Weapon

Tears.

I'm driving a lot this month. To RVA or NOVA or both pretty much every weekend this month. Just now... as I was getting my cousin ready for bed she started crying. Not in the fake way that a lot of kids cry, but very genuine tears. Not the loud kind either, the silent tears of a child trying to desperately not cry, but unable to hold it in. Knowing she shouldn't cry, but slowly they streamed down one by one. She wanted her parents. She's 3 you know, so you can't really reason with her, but as she started crying, part of me broke/resonated. Haha.

Memories of doing the same mixed with feelings of just wanting to help her know she's loved and that they are coming back soon enough. I can still remember when I was a kid, and I was in day care or basically night time care because it was before my mother stopped working night shift. I remember missing her, and being super sad because I was sleeping and she wasn't there.

All I could do for my cousin was to sound out those words of they are coming. And pathetically I tried to distract her by saying aww look at your stuffed animals. What are their names? And I listed off name, after name, and she denied each one. She had initially shaken her head at them having names, and then finally I said one she liked Ariel (yes like the Little Mermaid, we had just watched it together). But as soon as I started to feel accomplished, she told me they had names and listed them off. Tight girl. Made me work for nothing. Haha.

And then she made me stay in her room until she fell asleep, doing random tasks for her, and finally just making me stand there until she fell asleep.

Why this story? Cause it's something I want to remember and treasure. This spoiled kid (cause she is) shed tears. All stuck up pretenses aside, she was genuinely sad and crying out. Universal, I think. We might downplay it cause let's be real some tears are more "acceptable" than others. Mom dying vs mom coming late, etc. But that pain, that pit of hut is the same.

I was reminded of my helplessness as all I really did for her was just sit there and stand there. I was reminded of pain and how even if I'm older, I still cry (sometimes). I was reminded of love because all I wanted her to know was she's loved and treasured.

But yes, if a female cries, gg. You kick a man's balls, but those tears man reach deep. Lolz. And as I'm sitting her typing this, I hear her snore. Haha. Oh humanity, so odd.

Randomness crammed in one post

My Teen Romantic Comedy SNAFU
This guy... is me. Not quite me, but a me that I often times wish I could be. Legit/sad, and yet it presents it in a comedic fashion. His thought process is easily understood and sympathized with yet hated by some. Well done.

I'm also working 8-5 now. Praise the Lord. It's a million times better than 10-7. Like wow... so much better. Downside? Waking up before sun completely rises. Upside? Out by 5, none of that fake lucky number 7 crap.

My biological father emailed me, stating my cousins want to see me. No mention of his feelings. Haha... does it matter? Well, yes. Stupid pride. But I guess yes, at some point I will see him and them again. Probably sometime early next year, in January?

On a side note, I have decided to get off my lazy donkey (cue immature laughter) and start volunteering. I will try to volunteer on Saturdays for Habitat for Humanity at least once a month starting in January. Why January and not now? Cause I have to go babysit pretty much every weekend this month. Why Habitat? Cause I want to learn more house things, aka useful life skills.

I also am thinking of volunteering for CALM. I can't tutor due to the timing, but I can at least do data entry stuff, which while boring shouldn't be bad at all, and it is necessary.

Woot, best way to meet people? Volunteer. Why? Cause you meet nice people. Play frisbee! You meet not the nicest persay or the most moral, but certainly honest people. Very true to themselves, and for the most part chill. Want to meet internationals? Play soccer. But don't suck, they tend to be competitive. I can't speak for anything else.

Finally,
http://grooveshark.com/s/Just+Listen+feat+Skull/58insu?src=5
Haha what's funnier than a Korean rapping with a Reggae accent? Not much. Skip to 1:40 to join me in laughing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1oM3kQpXRo
Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran
The heck? So cute... sometimes cheesy songs like this are just heart warming.

And on that musical note I heard this on the radio a couple days ago. "Too school for cool." I literally screamed the heck in my car and immediately was disappointed in the state of modern music. Seriously, one of the dumbest lines I've heard recently.

The Struggle for Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5tUyGSJL7o

Dang... I've heard people quote from him before prob from this sermon or similar ones. But ya... truth.