Belong

Where do I belong? Where my friends are? Where my fellowship is? Where my family is? Where I "feel" like I belong?

I don't have an answer at the moment. Perhaps that's why I long to be married? Cause then you belong with your wife right? Haha sounds so selfish when I put it that way. Perhaps that's the problem though. I shouldn't be in a relationship cause inherently I'm gaining something out of it. Is that completely wrong? I would argue no. Isn't that perfectly natural that there are some gains and losses? But then if they were with me, more losses than gains, so better to not be in a relationship right? In the end, there's someone better for them. But of course for other people that doesn't matter, what matters is the present. But for me it does matter because I'm the worst or something. And as such, I'm a "special" case or some bs, which in the end is pure hypocrisy.

So that aside, where do I belong? C'ville? I certainly live there. I certainly work there. But do I belong there? Or is that just my objective opinion? I have friends there. But do I honestly feel more at home there then I do in NOVA at my aunt's house or in Richmond at my family's house? Not really. The only real difference is, I am responsible for my living situation in C'ville. But do I belong? I haven't gone to Trinity enough to find friends there. So no real fellowship.

But do I really feel at home with my family? I feel fall more comfortable than I used to. Why cause I'm realizing that I love them. But do I belong there?

In the end what does this even mean?

And yes we can all toss out the but you belong to God. You are His. Earth is not your real home, your real home is in heaven. Etc. Cool. Thanks. Yet, I feel like there's something I'm missing. But maybe I'm not. Maybe that's the point. There's no place that I will truly belong in. Oh God... I think too much at the wrong times don't I?

Haha. That's the main issue of my life. I'm just stupid.

That and I'm the most jaded SOB when it comes to myself. Spent some time enjoying some day dreams/hopes and then systematically dismantled them. Why? Cause they won't come true nor should they come true. Who decides that? I do haha.

When I was younger, I always wanted a big house. I wanted to show it off, and be like yup here's my house. Well, my family doesn't have a big one. We haven't moved for a long time. And to be honest, I like our house a lot. I visited CL's house for the first time last night. It was beautiful. As in that house could make to look like a showroom or something and just been like wow. I also realized... it doesn't appeal to me like it used to. I have no desire for a big house. To be honest, I've been randomly staring at houses that I drive by in C'ville. And I'm like could I live there? Would I want to buy it? But... I've realized I'm going to be slightly nomadic for a while. Every couple years probably changing where I'm at. Why? Work/another job possibly/seminary/then God knows where. And ultimately Japan for at least a couple years if not more.

Will I ever own a house? Maybe if I inherit the one from my family should they die a premature death? Honestly, I don't how else I'd get one. But I'm happy... that something like that has been let go from my list of wrong desires. Not that having a big house is sinful at all. Please don't get me wrong.

Also last night, I drove back to C'ville from NOVA at midnight. Stupid right? Yup. Was I tying to tempt fate? Haha, I don't know. I just decided that's what I was going to do. Overall it was fine. Hit that sleepy spell in the middle and overcame it relatively fine. Then I had the great idea to turn off all the music. And the silence was oppressive. I felt like I was suffocating for a split second, and then I was reminded that is peaceful. This is what I want. And the discomfort slowly subsided to thoughtful (actually depressing) reflection, and some good old praying. And then the combination of silence and late night took it's toll. That last 20 minutes driving home was rough... whew. But I'm still alive aren't I?

In the end, I haven't died yet. And at church today, I heard these hauntingly beautiful hymns. I was captivated. I was lost... and I was amazed. Mankind, you can make the most beautiful things, and then we can eff the world up at the same time haha. Sigh. I think last night, as I began to fall asleep, is the first time in a while where I was legit half thinking is this a dream? Will I wake up and be much older or much younger, and say what a fascinating dream? And as I woke up to super dark and rainy day, it only helped to reinforce that mindset. And then I got to work, and I remember nope this is reality. The beautiful and ugly reality.

But ultimately the question is, do I let my own thoughts guide me or do I submit to God? Do I decide to press on because of God, or do I just stay in this stupid asinine bubble of stupidity. The answer is clearly God. Which is why I dare hope. I dare dream. I dare be happy. Even if part of me wants to fight it all the while.

Don't worry, I plan to post a happy post in the next couple days to balance out all this madness.
Grown Up Christmas Wish- Michael Buble
My fav Christmas song, but one of my fav singers.