Mood Swings

I've been going through mood swings like crazy... it's slowly destroying me. Which can be a good thing if it forces me to rely on God more... but ya...

I fixed a part on my engine all by myself last night. It's called the O2 sensor up stream. I felt like such a man haha. My hands were all black and dirty, and I was taking apart part of my car. You might ask why? The dealership wanted to charge me 500 to fix it. I fixed it for 260. 90 was just from getting a checkup cause my check engine light turned on at the dealership which can you get for free (granted not as thorough) from autozone. But ya... learning so many new things haha.

Setting up a retirement fund, which for now I shall keep. Starting to pay bills all on my own, like phone and soon to be auto insurance. My parents are gracious and because their health plan is so much better than mine, I'm staying on theirs until I turn 24 (max in VA according to law).

Honestly, these days I can't tell if I'm getting better or worse. I finally realized that I was using work as an escape. Haha, sad though you know? Work becomes my escape. But regardless that's what it was. I was constantly thinking about how I will advance my career. Even now I'm thinking of becoming a CFA, although it will take time. Which then means no seminary in two years like I thought when I was in college, cause CFA takes four years. But then what am I doing? Why am I working corporate when I don't feel fulfillment?

Some people have told me, I'm not cut out to be a teacher... haha. Understandable, clearly some other orgs that I applied for thought the same. But I feel like... that job would be really hard. But be fulfilling. You're doing something worthwhile. You're doing something that can benefit others later on. Even in the sermon today, the pastor talked about overlooking others... am I doing that?

If I learn database stuff, what am I going to do to help someone? Oh let me write this query for you and it will make you feel better? But then again... I got this job and no other jobs, so maybe this is God's plan for me, at least for now? Sigh. So many things that course through my brain.

My failures constantly come up again blaring in my face. Making me remember who I am, and making it harder to focus on grace. As people slowly leave C'ville/the area. It's hitting me. I'm going to be pretty alone for a while. The emotions that I successfully blocked for the past month or so are crashing down.

Not only that... what do I do about church? My home is not GCF anymore. So now I look for a church. Do I church hop? Should I just commit? Which is the right thing? Does it matter if it's the right thing, cause in the end God's will is ultimate and will transform my path? Sigh... do I even feel like looking at other churches?

But God is reminding me that... His grace is sufficient. He is reminding me that... even though I effing hate myself sometimes but He loves me. He is reminding me that even as I accept my faults and more appear, that it's okay. But it hurts. My mind is constantly wavering between joy and sadness. My soul is on a precipice sometimes perfectly functioning, and sometimes breaking. And to be honest, there's more on my mind but I don't feel like blogging it haha. Personal :P

But please pray for me. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy (well not really, but it's really bothering me how I can't stay steady at all). God is good though. God is good, and better than that.

Oh, a challenge to. Tithe your first pay check or the equivalent somehow. I can't... cause my money stuff is sorta going haywire right now as I transfer accounts. But I will be tithing more than 10% until I successfully tithe the equivalent. Something, I'm slowly learning. Money isn't really that important. But it certainly is necessary to cover certain expenses. (But... I do want to make more, so I can have more saved up/ be able to spend on others more easily. There really isn't that much that I actually want to buy for myself. Although walking into Trader Joe's today made me want to buy so much food...)

Same Dream

Went to Portico this past Sunday because trying to figure out where I'm going to be going now that I've graduated. Pro's and con's to staying in GCF or leaving. Honestly, what will probably happen is that I will no longer attend GCF but keep in touch with people and try to go to Large Group. Even though now there is a since of freedom, there is still the reality that people notice if I stop coming, which makes me reconsider. But... like I said I already have a pretty good idea of what's going to happen. That being said I am keeping in correspondence with PIJ.

I like that last sentence, "keeping in correspondence with." I learned finance people... use long sentences and big words instead of keeping it short and sweet. The funny thing is I listen to developers too, and they are short and sweet haha.

Do I see myself keeping my position? Nope lol. Gonna learn things on my own and branch out.
To learn list:
R
SQL
PHP
maybe some XML

That's my start up. And of course... photography. Haha. My new passion, I can't go a day without taking a picture of some sort. I feel weird. Hopefully this lasts a long time.

Some alums visited today. Aka CL and JK. And CL is sleeping over haha. Missed these guys.

The crazy thing is that I had another dream that I've had before... freaky deaky. This time I'm at school (generic building) with people and something happens like murderers come in or something, or I remember animals so maybe on a field trip somewhere in a big office like building, and we are taking the stairs. Previously in the dream I had to hide in the sewers to escape them. This time my friend(s) and I got home safely, and planned where we would run and hide. Everyone has to for some reason. And then... we are sitting in a car discussing and the same murderers/scary people from my previous dream are here and they recognize us. I take a picture of them before they leave us, and then we have to go hide, cue stupid alarm haha. But ya... this dream has happened before although before it was the first time and I think I got trapped in an elevator at some point. But retreating down the stairs was the same... hiding and being afraid were also the same. Crazy...

But going back to Portico... very country, even a banjo for praise. Aww man... all these churches going back to country roots. Dunno how I feel. Hillsong is going way to hipster and ethereal for more, and then other groups are going back to the "roots" and getting country. Oh music, how you change and how intriguing you are.

Now... I have to play basketball cause of CL. A sport I don't really enjoy, but I couldn't run earlier so it's my exercise. This post does not accurately portray my lvl of exhaustion or my dour mood, but that's okay. No deep thoughts today, cause they have been too depressing in my head for some reason. Peace.

Tears

Often times, I leave home crying... funny right. I used to do that when I was a little kid. Every time I left my biological dad or any of his family members. I'd cry.

Why? Because I loved them? Because I was sad? Because I hated everything that seemed to be against me and kept from being with people I cared about? Because I hated how I had to carefully navigate every thought, answer, phrase, anything that involves the opposite parties while around them?

Honestly... it's cause I loved them.

And like I said I love my family now more than I ever have before. My brother... is still a child. And I hate how he really wants me to be home, but I can't. I hate seeing that look in his eyes when I'm leaving. And you might laugh... so what. I never wanted to do that to him, like I had to go through, but at the same time I'm comforted. I know that we love each other. The same applies to my parents, but of course... we're older haha. We don't show that in front of each other. We awkwardly fumble around for words to express something we both mutually know. God has redeemed so much when it comes to my concept of family.

I believe children are the most impressionable people... if that makes sense... and I want to be apart of helping if I can. Be it through serving or anything. That being said, I got rejected from teaching already... so do I retry or not? TBD. lol.

Random thought... I'm trying a thing now where I really think about what I say or do, instead of going on impulse like I normally would. Well not for all things, but at least some were very impulsive. We'll see how it works out. Being mature sucks guys... but it's the right thing. And... in the end what gives God glory is far more important, than my stupid, absolutely foolish, mind/feelings.

Lots of ups and downs today, but God remains constant.

First Week Over

First week of work over... yay.

It's weird. All I do is workout... take pics during lunch break. Waste time, watch some movies, sleep.

I read some blogs during the day at work, and speaking of which feedly pissed me off today. Apparently the system has been updating, so everything I read on my phone didn't update my feed, hence had to go through and mark as read a bunch of articles. Just annoying.

Regardless... mom said I lost some weight. Score. Note, I don't care about losing weight so much as losing fat, but in this case weight=fat.

You know what's weird... I used to hate coming home. But now I like it. I used to hate my family, I honestly saw them as a tool. Feed me, clothe me, house me, and that's all they were good for. You might laugh, you might be in shock, but I say this in all honesty. That's what I thought of them... ya I'm a dick. I don't think that way anymore, but I guess I'm still a jerk... well I know I am. Regardless, I love my family. My brother... made me a necklace haha. Freaking cute bro. I will be wearing it around. Haters gonna hate. Although I'll prob only wear it around friends and not too work. Maybe I'll post a pic eventually. I've become... such a softie compared to before. So... interesting.

So I have a confession. I started reading manga haha. I've decided... I can give it up if I feel like it. But why am I drawn back? I can step in someone's world in a matter of minutes and be done. I don't have time to read fiction anymore cause I'd rather read or other things, or maybe this is just how I justify it. Hate on manga all you, I still believe it's art. I believe the story lines can be utterly stupid but some can be profound. Some... that's people poor out their soul, but yes it's drawn in a comical way... but whatevs. I read one based on psychology today. Twas powerful.

I feel like... I would have loved psychology if I read it. Honestly... being a psychologist sounds interesting and fulfilling, I honestly believe people are the most interesting objects (for lack of a better word) in this world. But I'd prob screw people up more than help... sigh. But I learned the official name for something I struggled with/prob still struggle Dependence Personality Disorder. Interesting... seeing it expressed through characters and seeing the similarities. But the sad thing is... scars remain for those characters despite the happy endings (cause it's a comic).

"Sin leaves scars" comes from an article I read today. Makes me wonder how many I self-inflicted, that I inflicted, that I did not stop... rough thoughts man. Ownership or beating myself? Yet to be determined.

Honestly... I wonder if I have some kind of disorder that I'm not aware of haha. Well, I think I'm pretty honest with myself most of the time so maybe I just don't want to admit it... I dunno man. I guess it's possible. But oh well. Interesting stuff tho. Told my step-dad about my camera, seemed happy I got a canon too haha. Ya... little things.

Work.. will be interesting. That's all I have to say. And by interesting I mean full of adjustments, but no worries. There was some kind of company event so I got free food today which was actually really good. Yay. More to talk about... but not worth your time. Just my own musings. Peace.

Dang....

Read this thing about relationships, and they always bring up are you happy with yourself.

And.... drumrolll. I'm not. Haha. I'm utterly dissatisfied, disappointed, angry and sad. Loving oneself is the hardest thing for me. Depressing and random I know. I think work is getting to me, although it's starting to get better because I'm getting used to things. I have a strong feeling it's only going to get really hard from here on out though. Yay... gotta earn that moneyz. But ya... I think I've changed for better and worse lately. God willing... it will get better though. I've learned a lot about myself... but at the same time what it means to care for others. No I'm not good at it, but I'm learning.

I just wish I could learn things the first time. It takes multiple tries for me to finally get things together... sigh. I'm stupid.

On a completely different note, I watched Cloud Atlas. Yes it's got some innaprop parts. But overall, a well made movie. Tries a little too hard, but I have to admit that I was sucked in. Complete heresy, but... it was beautiful. Things built up, things resolved, tensions displayed. It just felt very... human. I recommend it. I also Jack Reacher a couple days ago, don't recommend that. Twas nothing special at all.

I took some pics on my lunch break today, nothing groundbreaking, but it's still fun. It's one of the few highlights of my day. I'm so exhausted everyday though. I changed my set up in my room to block more light, and hopefully that will help.

On another completely different note, my brother fractured his arm. Please pray for him, and I shall endeavor to do the same. That is all. Too tired for deepness. Peace.

Work Is Hard

Work hasn't even gotten hard for me, so they say. And it's already hard. Everyone I'm working with is new to SNL pretty much, but really experienced overall. And I'm just a newbie, and I feel so inadequate haha. On top of that, there's just so much to learn. Like so much... It's sorta interesting but really tiring. Tomorrow I have meetings/training from 9-2 straight, not including all the on my own training I have to continue to do prob until I leave at 6. Am I complaining? ya... haha. Also sharing.

Working is humbling and scary. For the next (however many years I work, at least corporately) I will go every day except for like 15 ish vacation days, plus the odd holidays. Crazy stuff right there. Honestly... that's really crazy if you think about it.

You think you live for the weekends, when you are student, but as an adult it's worse. Granted there are some perks. You get paid... and so far I'm eating far healthier and more frugal than I have for a long time. Granted I ate out a lot the past couple weeks which was bad health wise and money wise, but I'm learning a lot. Getting better at planning meals etc.

But it's weird how fast my day disappears. I get home, I chill. Maybe see someone. Exercise, and a little more free time and then bam time to sleep. I have been humbled greatly.

And... it's lonely/nice leaving alone. Lonely cause you wish you could come home to someone, maybe laugh maybe argue, but just know they are there (preferably a spouse), but it's nice cause my mess is all mine. If I clean, it stays clean. And remarkably for the most part, I'm cleaner.

Yet... i can't help but feel sad. I feel overwhelmed cause I think I'd enjoy doing manual labor more to be honest or cooking or something. This just feels artificial, yet I plan on continuing to do this until... I go to school or seminary or something. No I'm not holy or anything... I wish I was. I wish I was... who I want to be haha. But I'm not... nor will I be so let's just focus on the hear and now. Tomorrow I have to get up and continue. I have little things all around me to take care of. And in the end... I'm realizing I need God. So thank you God. Thank you. And help me Lord, cause I know it's only going to get harder.

EDIT
Yes I sound whiny haha. I'm an immature brat I know. But just humor me please. lol.

Freaking Old

So... random things to talk about. Most importantly.... I start work tomorrow. Say whatttttt? I know right... I'm freaking old. Sigh. But responsible? Hopefully. We'll see how it goes though. I hope I just don't hate it like other people do, and that I'm not completely drained and exhausted. PIJ even gave me tips for working life... haha. Good guy.

Random note, couple nights I had a nightmare, that I've had multiple times. Basically a house that I'm in with people is going to be overrun by... zombies/demons or something. And we board up the house, but it's huge you know. Secret doors and passages, basement, crazy architecture, etc. And I always wake up before figuring out the end haha. It's weird tho you know? I've had this dream multiple times now... although it's fascinating to me. wonder what will happen next.

Another note... I walked to into Random Row Books? By the downtown mall. The guy there is very knowledgeable... I found some more Bonhoeffer books, and he brought up the conversation of if I agree with his plan to murder Hitler. I admitted only heard of it, so he provided details and quoted some theologians and talked about whether Christians should support violence or not (all of this was brief). But this left me surprised, impressed, and wanting to talk to him more haha. So feeling another trip there. Most hipster place ever though.

Actually... I really wanted to blog a lot, but I'm thinking now is the time to take care of some last minute things and rest. But until next time.

Oh, I got my DSLR. :) :) :) I like it a lot. No lie, it gives you a lot more flexibility, but now what comes next is the question haha. I want a flash and a good tripod. But... I'll wait a couple months prob. I refuse to buy another lens until at least a year of owning the 50mm, but already... I'm starting to get used to it. But ya... fun stuff there. Too bad I can't just take pictures, and I have to work. I did go canon as you can see on fb... nikon seems better haha. But step-dad chose canon, and I will follow him. Gives us something to talk about, and I... need to do that more. He's a great guy... Peace out.

Surprises

Sometimes... I feel like poop. Not just poop, but like a suffocating that prevents you from wanting to do anything poop feeling.

But... I went to view an apt today. And just decided to drive around (yes, I got lost). And it was nice. I explored another area of C'ville, found The Korean House and some other random places. As well as just drove through more of the housing area off of downtown, which was beautiful. Got some random things to talk about/ruminate about here, but I'll do that later during the impending storm.

Sunset

Once again, I'm exhausted. But some things that I forgot to mention.

Sunsets are beautiful. Incredibly beautiful.

And these pictures don't even do it justice. Although the top one is pretty. My deep thought from this moment... was about perspective. From down here clouds look like they are just a big canopy from up above... you see dimensions. You see layers. You see something you didn't see before. Sorta like how we don't see every aspect of our life. But ya, mindbogglingly beautiful. I was thanking God as I watched these things.

One thing I forgot to mention was I was walking with my step-dad and brother. And we stopped by this bird exhibit on the last day of our trip to Key West. Inside an elderly man who owned the exhibit motioned for us to watch this presentation, basically like old school Planet Earth with scuba diving only... it mentioned God. :) It talked about how God created everything and mentioned quotes from Psalms. There was a couple other people in there who left when the narrator started quoting the Bible... but I smiled. I wanted to thank the old man, but I couldn't find him and we had to move on to find my mom. But that... was a beautiful moment. If only things like that happened more often.

Also over Key West, I started reading Pride and Prejudice. 40-ish pages in... and I like it. What the heck is wrong with me? Haha.

Publix Mother's Day Commercial
To add insult to injury I found the above link in an old blogpost from someone I follow. I'm catching up on all my blog reading slowly... and I teared up some towards the end of the vid. Clearly... I'm becoming a sob or something. Sigh... what if I re-read Jane Eyre, and I actually like it? o.O

Haha. Home's been nice, but time to go back and move into my sublet tomorrow. But I'll be back in rva friday or sat, go figure, to babysit again. My life is rapidly changing... and it's weird. I calculated all my finances, and unless they offer me more than I expect (doubtful) gonna be in for a tight time. Home=getting fat, being alone=losing it, so I guess that's a good balance.

Once again random things... but these are things that are important. On a side note... I wasted all day watching youtube videos on photography... hopefully I learned something. And I watched the Hobbit (do you underline or italicize movies?). And it was really good actually. I liked it. haters gonna hate.

I think... I go through periods, where I intensely wrestle with certain emotions... I can't tell if I'm overcoming through God or ignoring them by focusing on God. Or maybe they are intertwined, but instead of ignoring they are falling short of the glory of God? Or maybe... I'm learning to turn my longings to God ever so slowly? Or maybe... I'm just becoming womanlike and on a period or something haha. (No offense to women.) I shall hopefully sleep soon. If you're bored watch DigitalRevTV for tips on photography, and pretty funny humor mixed it. But... better is to read the Bible. Lolz.

Sadness

Let's see... my last blog post was trash. For the most part. My apologies.

The past couple days of vacation... sorta messed with my mind, and I lost sight of bigger and more important things.

Omg... my parents found a video of my dancing from first year for KSA somehow... sigh.

But ya... vacation was a time where I saw things I wanted to see. The chill life, couples (lolz), lots o money being spent, souvenirs for "memories," forgetting the people who need prayer.

Honestly... I've been so wrapped with me and me and me... but I'm trying to break free from that, and think of He He He.

Had a conversation with my mom on the plane, brief, but was about Christians and basically not showing love. When we criticize others, Catholics and the Pope or gay marriage came up, do we do out of a framework of love or are we just condescending? And... I normally don't speak out of love. I'm critical. I'm rude. I'm self-centered. I'm prideful. I'm arrogant. All these things come up... and ya that's why I don't often frame things out of love. Like I said, I'm too wrapped up in me and my opinion.

There's a lot of things I need to apologize for, and half the time to be honest, I don't even realize it. I've got some serious growing up to do.

On a different note... I jammed out to praise songs in a way I haven't before. A lot of times these days... I'm paralyzed by fear. Okay not really paralyzed, but you know what I mean. I want to be more like Jesus, and yet too often it doesn't manifest. But the dumb thing is I tried to force it. I tried to force myself to grow up and stuff. And that was my measurement of who I was.

I wasn't satisfied with God, I wanted to be better and I had to achieve it. And where did that leave me? Burnt out. I completely understood why people got drunk, took drugs, did what I call stupid stuff, to forget the world. Who doesn't want to forget all their failures? All their struggles? Life? If you say you don't... props to you. I have and at times still do want to forget. But God is always there and time is short so why waste it avoiding things? Cause... I'm human.

But ya... finally said goodbye to IK. And then it hit me... the apt of 203, the house of monte (boys) is over. It's over. Done. And I wanted to cry. And... I teared up. I'm sure I'll cry as time goes on. But God has been good. Giving me friends I didn't treat as well as I should have. Giving me friends that rebuked me. Giving me friends... that in some small ways I was able to touch. But ultimately... blessing me with people I will come back to time and time again.

This blogpost is a stream of consciousness cause I'm physically exhausted. But... my parents have been telling me to do what I want. Have a dream.

My dream is:
1) Praise God till I die.
2) Help others... super general, but this one is really important to me. I want to do more harm then good, but of course this comes from God.
3) Have a family... whom I love, and show love to. Whom I treasure, yet lead to God. This one... may or may not happen haha. Man... life.

Not much in terms of work goals tho right? Haha. I've a lot on my mind cause I'm finally/slowly, tackling things in my head/taking action. Very slow process, and... ya. Enough for today. Next time to be more organized... more coherent. But not like the previous post, hopefully I can prevent stuff like that from happening again.