Sadness

Let's see... my last blog post was trash. For the most part. My apologies.

The past couple days of vacation... sorta messed with my mind, and I lost sight of bigger and more important things.

Omg... my parents found a video of my dancing from first year for KSA somehow... sigh.

But ya... vacation was a time where I saw things I wanted to see. The chill life, couples (lolz), lots o money being spent, souvenirs for "memories," forgetting the people who need prayer.

Honestly... I've been so wrapped with me and me and me... but I'm trying to break free from that, and think of He He He.

Had a conversation with my mom on the plane, brief, but was about Christians and basically not showing love. When we criticize others, Catholics and the Pope or gay marriage came up, do we do out of a framework of love or are we just condescending? And... I normally don't speak out of love. I'm critical. I'm rude. I'm self-centered. I'm prideful. I'm arrogant. All these things come up... and ya that's why I don't often frame things out of love. Like I said, I'm too wrapped up in me and my opinion.

There's a lot of things I need to apologize for, and half the time to be honest, I don't even realize it. I've got some serious growing up to do.

On a different note... I jammed out to praise songs in a way I haven't before. A lot of times these days... I'm paralyzed by fear. Okay not really paralyzed, but you know what I mean. I want to be more like Jesus, and yet too often it doesn't manifest. But the dumb thing is I tried to force it. I tried to force myself to grow up and stuff. And that was my measurement of who I was.

I wasn't satisfied with God, I wanted to be better and I had to achieve it. And where did that leave me? Burnt out. I completely understood why people got drunk, took drugs, did what I call stupid stuff, to forget the world. Who doesn't want to forget all their failures? All their struggles? Life? If you say you don't... props to you. I have and at times still do want to forget. But God is always there and time is short so why waste it avoiding things? Cause... I'm human.

But ya... finally said goodbye to IK. And then it hit me... the apt of 203, the house of monte (boys) is over. It's over. Done. And I wanted to cry. And... I teared up. I'm sure I'll cry as time goes on. But God has been good. Giving me friends I didn't treat as well as I should have. Giving me friends that rebuked me. Giving me friends... that in some small ways I was able to touch. But ultimately... blessing me with people I will come back to time and time again.

This blogpost is a stream of consciousness cause I'm physically exhausted. But... my parents have been telling me to do what I want. Have a dream.

My dream is:
1) Praise God till I die.
2) Help others... super general, but this one is really important to me. I want to do more harm then good, but of course this comes from God.
3) Have a family... whom I love, and show love to. Whom I treasure, yet lead to God. This one... may or may not happen haha. Man... life.

Not much in terms of work goals tho right? Haha. I've a lot on my mind cause I'm finally/slowly, tackling things in my head/taking action. Very slow process, and... ya. Enough for today. Next time to be more organized... more coherent. But not like the previous post, hopefully I can prevent stuff like that from happening again.