Mood Swings

I've been going through mood swings like crazy... it's slowly destroying me. Which can be a good thing if it forces me to rely on God more... but ya...

I fixed a part on my engine all by myself last night. It's called the O2 sensor up stream. I felt like such a man haha. My hands were all black and dirty, and I was taking apart part of my car. You might ask why? The dealership wanted to charge me 500 to fix it. I fixed it for 260. 90 was just from getting a checkup cause my check engine light turned on at the dealership which can you get for free (granted not as thorough) from autozone. But ya... learning so many new things haha.

Setting up a retirement fund, which for now I shall keep. Starting to pay bills all on my own, like phone and soon to be auto insurance. My parents are gracious and because their health plan is so much better than mine, I'm staying on theirs until I turn 24 (max in VA according to law).

Honestly, these days I can't tell if I'm getting better or worse. I finally realized that I was using work as an escape. Haha, sad though you know? Work becomes my escape. But regardless that's what it was. I was constantly thinking about how I will advance my career. Even now I'm thinking of becoming a CFA, although it will take time. Which then means no seminary in two years like I thought when I was in college, cause CFA takes four years. But then what am I doing? Why am I working corporate when I don't feel fulfillment?

Some people have told me, I'm not cut out to be a teacher... haha. Understandable, clearly some other orgs that I applied for thought the same. But I feel like... that job would be really hard. But be fulfilling. You're doing something worthwhile. You're doing something that can benefit others later on. Even in the sermon today, the pastor talked about overlooking others... am I doing that?

If I learn database stuff, what am I going to do to help someone? Oh let me write this query for you and it will make you feel better? But then again... I got this job and no other jobs, so maybe this is God's plan for me, at least for now? Sigh. So many things that course through my brain.

My failures constantly come up again blaring in my face. Making me remember who I am, and making it harder to focus on grace. As people slowly leave C'ville/the area. It's hitting me. I'm going to be pretty alone for a while. The emotions that I successfully blocked for the past month or so are crashing down.

Not only that... what do I do about church? My home is not GCF anymore. So now I look for a church. Do I church hop? Should I just commit? Which is the right thing? Does it matter if it's the right thing, cause in the end God's will is ultimate and will transform my path? Sigh... do I even feel like looking at other churches?

But God is reminding me that... His grace is sufficient. He is reminding me that... even though I effing hate myself sometimes but He loves me. He is reminding me that even as I accept my faults and more appear, that it's okay. But it hurts. My mind is constantly wavering between joy and sadness. My soul is on a precipice sometimes perfectly functioning, and sometimes breaking. And to be honest, there's more on my mind but I don't feel like blogging it haha. Personal :P

But please pray for me. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy (well not really, but it's really bothering me how I can't stay steady at all). God is good though. God is good, and better than that.

Oh, a challenge to. Tithe your first pay check or the equivalent somehow. I can't... cause my money stuff is sorta going haywire right now as I transfer accounts. But I will be tithing more than 10% until I successfully tithe the equivalent. Something, I'm slowly learning. Money isn't really that important. But it certainly is necessary to cover certain expenses. (But... I do want to make more, so I can have more saved up/ be able to spend on others more easily. There really isn't that much that I actually want to buy for myself. Although walking into Trader Joe's today made me want to buy so much food...)