Sometimes... your worst fears come true. I never wanted to be like my dad. There are so many bad adjectives that go behind that, but ya I never ever wanted to be like him. And the sad thing is... I have. The one person I never wanted to be like... I can see in me. Not just physically, but emotionally and how I treat people. It makes me so sad and angry. Why did this happen? How could it?
Because I thought I could change it. But I can't. God can. In the end, all I'm doing is focusing on this model that I'm trying to fight against, and I will always fail. Only God can change me. Only God can break this cycle of brokenness.
What a fool I've been... but God has revealed this to me. God... is legit lol.
I talked to PIJ today, and this has probably been the best conversation ever... ya. I think it takes a couple meetings to really break the ice, but now I can see things about him I never could see. I really thank God for him, and his wife, and everything.
PIJ made some comments about my dad being very critical and judgmental and instead of accepting his faults he might wallow in them etc. I will be the first to admit there is a huge scar in my dad's heart, but only God can heal it. But at the same time... these faults were in me, and I thought I could change it.
Not only that... I've been avoiding that side of my family for the past couple years. But PIJ encouraged me to reach out to them. To talk to them as led by the Holy Spirit and just share the Gospel with them.
Gowe- I Wonder
In part, this song is just straight up beautiful and powerful. It shows a loving heart, but not only does this hit me because I can empathize with a broken family, but I think it really does represent some of what my father went through. Not that it's an excuse for his actions, but I see more of him.
I've spent so long being critical and judgmental of people, but not loving. I need God to help me love. I dunno... I just came away from this convo with PIJ with a lot on my mind and to think about.
On a side note... I heard that someone mentioned that I would be a good boyfriend but a bad husband... lol. Honestly, I was hurt by this. For one thing, I think I should have been a much better boyfriend, and people think I'm going to be a bad husband... haha. It just hurts, but honestly... maybe it's true. I don't deserve the gift of marriage. But it's okay. In the end all I need is Jesus. I've spent so long, desiring so many things in this world. I need to stop. Actually, when I heard this it really messed with me. But it's good. I need to stop looking to people, and look to God. In Him I am reborn. In Him I am made clean. In Him there is everything.
Masterpiece- MC Jin
This song by a rapper who was saved almost made me cry, if I wasn't sitting in a library haha. And it has words that I am striving to tell myself everyday. If I posted earlier, I probably would have been bitter about what was said above, but it's okay. It's probably true in some sense, and all I can do is strive for God to change me.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Praise
Praise is such an interesting thing.
Do we need all the instruments that we have, but do they help? Yes. Are we forcing an feeling, or we aiding people touch and listen to God? Do we fake things or do we help lead genuine things? What is necessary, and what isn't necessary?
Old school vs. new school? How do you keep up with new songs/is it always worth constantly finding new songs? Styles of songs vs. other styles? Male vs. female vocal? Key selection? Why does this song sound so much like this song? Why is there a Christian worship model that people follow? Does cool instruments or effects equal a better song?
We (by we Christians) argue about nit-picky things when it comes to praise. How much is necessary? Sometimes I think it's important, sometimes I think we over think it. I guess part of the reason this comes up, is the new Hillsong CD which is getting a lot of good reviews.
Hillsong is mad talented can't deny it. I feel like for worship teams at churches, putting out a CD is like a testament of their prowess almost. Maybe that's just my subjective thinking, and I mean if I was talented enough to be a worship leader, I'd want to create a CD haha. But even in that thinking, I feel like there's flaws. There is no level of worship leader, there is only do you worship God or not. Why do I focus so much on instrumentation, or this could be mixed better, or look they are slowing down too much, or other little things. In the end... what matters is God.
So yes I enjoy great musicians and everything, too much. What I need to focus more on is God. Honestly, the first thing I notice is how good is the praise team. What could be done better or differently? But who cares what I think. Who cares if they act like some other worship leader or if they act completely differently, if God is praised does it matter? Yet, it does matter to me sadly.
I think because I didn't do that much work today, and soccer ended with our loss, I'm in a thoughtful mood. I want to be wrapped in thoughts, sit next to a fire, and lose myself in it. Completely lose myself in that ethereal quality that a fire has. Maybe even listen to music and just flow. Haha I sound like a druggie or something...
On another note. I had an interview today, not really thinking much of it cause I don't think I made an impression. But still hopeful. I also got a first round interview for TFA. :) Basically I'm down to 3 places right now, and even if I get them I might still go to the Philippines... who knows. Regardless... I'm constantly reminded how lonely I'm going to be in the future. Lol. I have... I dunno just this feeling of isolation, but then again I'm never alone with Christ. What else do I need? Why long for it? Still have that deep thought written down from class readings, but I'll share that another day. I want to sleep at a reasonable time for once lol.
Do we need all the instruments that we have, but do they help? Yes. Are we forcing an feeling, or we aiding people touch and listen to God? Do we fake things or do we help lead genuine things? What is necessary, and what isn't necessary?
Old school vs. new school? How do you keep up with new songs/is it always worth constantly finding new songs? Styles of songs vs. other styles? Male vs. female vocal? Key selection? Why does this song sound so much like this song? Why is there a Christian worship model that people follow? Does cool instruments or effects equal a better song?
We (by we Christians) argue about nit-picky things when it comes to praise. How much is necessary? Sometimes I think it's important, sometimes I think we over think it. I guess part of the reason this comes up, is the new Hillsong CD which is getting a lot of good reviews.
Hillsong is mad talented can't deny it. I feel like for worship teams at churches, putting out a CD is like a testament of their prowess almost. Maybe that's just my subjective thinking, and I mean if I was talented enough to be a worship leader, I'd want to create a CD haha. But even in that thinking, I feel like there's flaws. There is no level of worship leader, there is only do you worship God or not. Why do I focus so much on instrumentation, or this could be mixed better, or look they are slowing down too much, or other little things. In the end... what matters is God.
So yes I enjoy great musicians and everything, too much. What I need to focus more on is God. Honestly, the first thing I notice is how good is the praise team. What could be done better or differently? But who cares what I think. Who cares if they act like some other worship leader or if they act completely differently, if God is praised does it matter? Yet, it does matter to me sadly.
I think because I didn't do that much work today, and soccer ended with our loss, I'm in a thoughtful mood. I want to be wrapped in thoughts, sit next to a fire, and lose myself in it. Completely lose myself in that ethereal quality that a fire has. Maybe even listen to music and just flow. Haha I sound like a druggie or something...
On another note. I had an interview today, not really thinking much of it cause I don't think I made an impression. But still hopeful. I also got a first round interview for TFA. :) Basically I'm down to 3 places right now, and even if I get them I might still go to the Philippines... who knows. Regardless... I'm constantly reminded how lonely I'm going to be in the future. Lol. I have... I dunno just this feeling of isolation, but then again I'm never alone with Christ. What else do I need? Why long for it? Still have that deep thought written down from class readings, but I'll share that another day. I want to sleep at a reasonable time for once lol.
Monday Musings
Today, GCF IM basketball ended. It was fun seeing people play though, and I hope that they are happy even with the loss. I hope that I can be happy tomorrow, win or lose after soccer as well. I can say hi to people on a regular basis now, who I felt awkward around before so I think that's a sign. Plus, I think a MC and I will be trying to talk to a guy who came to soccer and see if he wants to try out GCF/evangelize to him. yay!
I went to MNL today with Chi Alpha. I'm glad I went. I'm sad I never went before, and now our class prayer meetings, which have finally started again (ptl), coincide with it, which is a bummer. But I'll probably alternate between both.
MNL is just different, and it's refreshing. A lot like the modern day church, like you know Mark Driscoll or ya services like him. There are some over churches I can envision but can't think of names. (Btw random, Mark Driscoll is young... legit lol). But ya, a woman shared about "Mission of Hope Bolivia."
http://www.missionofhopebolivia.org/
I was moved. Honestly how everything worked out was in God's plan. And she even went through surgery and treatment for breast cancer, while fundraising. I feel like there's so much in her story, but the time was limited... but I was like dang, God is so sick. Haha. I think what they captured was a true way of serving God. They provide much needed care for the people, but they also actively share the Gospel to all the patients everyday. It's like here's medicine and treatment for your physical body and your soul. And they expanded to an orphanage and another clinic, and it's just powerful. Just check out their site... Btw, she has a beautiful marriage with her husband haha. The little stories she tossed in of him were cute.
I want... to be able to devote myself to God in such a way. Yes it starts here, in the small things. Dying to myself everyday. Fighting my insecurities. Fighting... myself lol. The more I try to reach out, the more scared I become, but instead of becoming scared and backing away, I need to throw myself into the arms of Jesus all the more. sigh... so many things floating in the back of my mind. So many things... so much sadness, so much fear, so much hatred of myself still. I still wonder does loving Jesus, entail forgiving myself? Cause I don't think I can, actually I don't think I even want to. I have more joy these days, so far it's continuing by the grace of God, but I feel like this question is important.
Also my religion, ethics, and environment class is finally starting to pose some interesting and powerful questions, I'm literally like whoahhh crazy. I wish I could read and argue like this for my life hahaha. Sike... I want to be doing something but this is sorta cool and disturbing and interesting all at the same time. More to come at another time.
I went to MNL today with Chi Alpha. I'm glad I went. I'm sad I never went before, and now our class prayer meetings, which have finally started again (ptl), coincide with it, which is a bummer. But I'll probably alternate between both.
MNL is just different, and it's refreshing. A lot like the modern day church, like you know Mark Driscoll or ya services like him. There are some over churches I can envision but can't think of names. (Btw random, Mark Driscoll is young... legit lol). But ya, a woman shared about "Mission of Hope Bolivia."
http://www.missionofhopebolivia.org/
I was moved. Honestly how everything worked out was in God's plan. And she even went through surgery and treatment for breast cancer, while fundraising. I feel like there's so much in her story, but the time was limited... but I was like dang, God is so sick. Haha. I think what they captured was a true way of serving God. They provide much needed care for the people, but they also actively share the Gospel to all the patients everyday. It's like here's medicine and treatment for your physical body and your soul. And they expanded to an orphanage and another clinic, and it's just powerful. Just check out their site... Btw, she has a beautiful marriage with her husband haha. The little stories she tossed in of him were cute.
I want... to be able to devote myself to God in such a way. Yes it starts here, in the small things. Dying to myself everyday. Fighting my insecurities. Fighting... myself lol. The more I try to reach out, the more scared I become, but instead of becoming scared and backing away, I need to throw myself into the arms of Jesus all the more. sigh... so many things floating in the back of my mind. So many things... so much sadness, so much fear, so much hatred of myself still. I still wonder does loving Jesus, entail forgiving myself? Cause I don't think I can, actually I don't think I even want to. I have more joy these days, so far it's continuing by the grace of God, but I feel like this question is important.
Also my religion, ethics, and environment class is finally starting to pose some interesting and powerful questions, I'm literally like whoahhh crazy. I wish I could read and argue like this for my life hahaha. Sike... I want to be doing something but this is sorta cool and disturbing and interesting all at the same time. More to come at another time.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Baby
Forgot to mention, but it's big enough for it's own post.
I saw J and M's baby today. Like 10 days old, I almost died. So incredibly cute... I just wanted to stare at it all day... sigh. I mean I know about the screaming of the child and it's weird sleeping schedule... my brother and I have a huge age difference, but I don't remember everything in part cause it was my parents dealing with most of his crying. But still I believe the costs fall short of the incredible-ness of children. That's how cute and awesome they are, I made up a word. I won't let this post become and emo-musing so I'll end it here, but man... so adorable...........
I saw J and M's baby today. Like 10 days old, I almost died. So incredibly cute... I just wanted to stare at it all day... sigh. I mean I know about the screaming of the child and it's weird sleeping schedule... my brother and I have a huge age difference, but I don't remember everything in part cause it was my parents dealing with most of his crying. But still I believe the costs fall short of the incredible-ness of children. That's how cute and awesome they are, I made up a word. I won't let this post become and emo-musing so I'll end it here, but man... so adorable...........
Sports
I think this past semester, I've grown to like watching sports more and appreciate them more. Am I a junkie like all those other guys who memorize stats and people... no lol. Will I ever? Doubt it, I only really know what lebron james looks like because of someone's boyfriend from FL. lol.
But I've watched most of the IM basketball games this time, and it's been fun to cheer them on. To see them win, and lose. I dunno just to support them. Soccer has been more fun this year because I've focused less on how much I suck, but more on just having fun and encouraging others. And I think... I'm using sports the way they are intended as out reach. It's been an opportunity for me to talk to people I wouldn't normally talk, and to support people who I don't know well, but am getting to know better. It shows you care.
Does GCF have an unhealthy obsession with sports? Ya in some ways, but no more than individuals have unhealthy obsessions with other things. But I think a lot of people have matured in knowing their limits, which is good.
But today I was reminded of the ugliness of sports.
During playoffs today in soccer, it was ugly. People got mad, the other time shared some expletives under their breath, our cheering squad was not edifying, etc. After the game, I apologized to the other team, and they were mad... we failed big time as GCF. I failed big time. I called some people out on our team, shared some things/thoughts about how we did not show Christ even though that's our goal as a Christian and if this continues then we can't even bother to claim ourselves as a GCF team. In the sense of why affiliate with GCF and in turn Christ if we let our emotions get in swing. It made me sad, to realize how something as beautiful as a sport can clearly become so ugly. It made me angry because I felt like people should have been more sensitive about it, but ultimately I was frustrated. I failed God, again. But God redeems, and I believe this was a powerful reminder of how games are meant to be fun and healthy and a way of interacting. When it becomes something that we have to win, if we can't turn the other cheek, then it becomes something permissible but not healthy as Paul would say. I believe this is only going to change though with prayer, which is what I intend to do. Along with words of encouragement haha.
If you have been praying for me/uttered a pray for me, I thank you. If you haven't, no worries lol. I still struggle everyday to wake up, to find joy, to serve, but slowly God is working. Or I'm delusional, and my mind is repressing things even though I don't want it to... lol.
I saw my family yesterday cause our home church went to Wintergreen (I always say our hesitantly because it's a church I don't really attend unless I'm at home because they started attending it when I came to college, so it's weird... do you know that feeling?) But it was a powerful reminder. My family... is there for me. That's something that's been constantly reaffirmed in me. They are there for me in ways friends will never be there for me. My family is there for me in ways that I hope I can be there for my family (if I have one) or just for others. And God is there for me in a way bigger than that. Crazy. I'm finally beginning to grasp an element of prayer. As I drove back to C'ville crying in prayer... I was reminded I need God more than anything. Was gonna post this funny picture from when CL visited, but I can't find my point and shoot right now, so another time.
Mr. I and I tried to rap for over an hour hahaha. Relaxing but fun. Gowe, is super legit.
But I've watched most of the IM basketball games this time, and it's been fun to cheer them on. To see them win, and lose. I dunno just to support them. Soccer has been more fun this year because I've focused less on how much I suck, but more on just having fun and encouraging others. And I think... I'm using sports the way they are intended as out reach. It's been an opportunity for me to talk to people I wouldn't normally talk, and to support people who I don't know well, but am getting to know better. It shows you care.
Does GCF have an unhealthy obsession with sports? Ya in some ways, but no more than individuals have unhealthy obsessions with other things. But I think a lot of people have matured in knowing their limits, which is good.
But today I was reminded of the ugliness of sports.
During playoffs today in soccer, it was ugly. People got mad, the other time shared some expletives under their breath, our cheering squad was not edifying, etc. After the game, I apologized to the other team, and they were mad... we failed big time as GCF. I failed big time. I called some people out on our team, shared some things/thoughts about how we did not show Christ even though that's our goal as a Christian and if this continues then we can't even bother to claim ourselves as a GCF team. In the sense of why affiliate with GCF and in turn Christ if we let our emotions get in swing. It made me sad, to realize how something as beautiful as a sport can clearly become so ugly. It made me angry because I felt like people should have been more sensitive about it, but ultimately I was frustrated. I failed God, again. But God redeems, and I believe this was a powerful reminder of how games are meant to be fun and healthy and a way of interacting. When it becomes something that we have to win, if we can't turn the other cheek, then it becomes something permissible but not healthy as Paul would say. I believe this is only going to change though with prayer, which is what I intend to do. Along with words of encouragement haha.
If you have been praying for me/uttered a pray for me, I thank you. If you haven't, no worries lol. I still struggle everyday to wake up, to find joy, to serve, but slowly God is working. Or I'm delusional, and my mind is repressing things even though I don't want it to... lol.
I saw my family yesterday cause our home church went to Wintergreen (I always say our hesitantly because it's a church I don't really attend unless I'm at home because they started attending it when I came to college, so it's weird... do you know that feeling?) But it was a powerful reminder. My family... is there for me. That's something that's been constantly reaffirmed in me. They are there for me in ways friends will never be there for me. My family is there for me in ways that I hope I can be there for my family (if I have one) or just for others. And God is there for me in a way bigger than that. Crazy. I'm finally beginning to grasp an element of prayer. As I drove back to C'ville crying in prayer... I was reminded I need God more than anything. Was gonna post this funny picture from when CL visited, but I can't find my point and shoot right now, so another time.
Mr. I and I tried to rap for over an hour hahaha. Relaxing but fun. Gowe, is super legit.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Sermon
How Should a Reformed Pastor Be Charismatic
Ya ya ya, it says pastor in the title, but it applies to everyone.
A couple good and powerful reminders:
Have to want the Spirit of the Lord more than anything else. I'm definitely guilty of this, where I want to see people show up, and even though I know better I get disappointed, case in point Urbana team sharing. But that's not the point.
Neglecting the spiritual component is not an option, and nor should we shy away from it. But we do not pursue fanaticism either.
You can't reason away the spiritual.
Pragmatism has it's place, but do I elevate it to a place that is solely God's domain?
And several more.
Honestly, it was a good sermon. I'm trying to restructure what I do for fun now. I won't say no to burning like 10-15 minutes on some mindless game, or maybe some more to watch a show or something. But I want to use more of my free time for reading, and listening to sermons. I used to do it just cause it was a good thing to do, and I would check it off. But... I want to change my attitude towards these things where I long for it. Even now, if I don't read some blog posts everyday I feel weird or even spend some time in the Bible.
But... behind this needs to be a lot of prayer. A lot of prayer, something I've neglected and struggled with. So much prayer, that I can't help but be consumed by it, a hunger for God. A desire to be touched... a desire to flow with Him.
The pastor in the sermon talks about spiritual callings and how they aren't an option, they are expected, and I wonder if I just decided to do missions later on in my life just cause I want to or because God wills it.
That being said, I finally got an interview... 3rd one, finally haha. So guess I'll shave. Got rejected from Epic which made me sad, but we'll see. Honestly Philippines sounds really good to me... like really good. But we'll see. I guess better to have options and think things through, but ultimately I want God to guide me.... or do I? Lol. Yes of course on some level I do, but completely surrendering, well that's what prayer is for haha. Asking for the Spirit to do what I can't do. But ya, recap try to make listening to sermons and reading good Christian books as something I do for fun and not just for learning, something I truly desire. Pray more. And I think instead of trying to reread the Bible again (which I should), I'm just going to reread a book again and again. I'm feeling... Romans. Yes, I'm happier than yesterday because my exams are over for now, no they didn't go as well as I'd hoped but whatevs.
Btw, talk to Mr. I and ask him about the good news haha.
Ya ya ya, it says pastor in the title, but it applies to everyone.
A couple good and powerful reminders:
Have to want the Spirit of the Lord more than anything else. I'm definitely guilty of this, where I want to see people show up, and even though I know better I get disappointed, case in point Urbana team sharing. But that's not the point.
Neglecting the spiritual component is not an option, and nor should we shy away from it. But we do not pursue fanaticism either.
You can't reason away the spiritual.
Pragmatism has it's place, but do I elevate it to a place that is solely God's domain?
And several more.
Honestly, it was a good sermon. I'm trying to restructure what I do for fun now. I won't say no to burning like 10-15 minutes on some mindless game, or maybe some more to watch a show or something. But I want to use more of my free time for reading, and listening to sermons. I used to do it just cause it was a good thing to do, and I would check it off. But... I want to change my attitude towards these things where I long for it. Even now, if I don't read some blog posts everyday I feel weird or even spend some time in the Bible.
But... behind this needs to be a lot of prayer. A lot of prayer, something I've neglected and struggled with. So much prayer, that I can't help but be consumed by it, a hunger for God. A desire to be touched... a desire to flow with Him.
The pastor in the sermon talks about spiritual callings and how they aren't an option, they are expected, and I wonder if I just decided to do missions later on in my life just cause I want to or because God wills it.
That being said, I finally got an interview... 3rd one, finally haha. So guess I'll shave. Got rejected from Epic which made me sad, but we'll see. Honestly Philippines sounds really good to me... like really good. But we'll see. I guess better to have options and think things through, but ultimately I want God to guide me.... or do I? Lol. Yes of course on some level I do, but completely surrendering, well that's what prayer is for haha. Asking for the Spirit to do what I can't do. But ya, recap try to make listening to sermons and reading good Christian books as something I do for fun and not just for learning, something I truly desire. Pray more. And I think instead of trying to reread the Bible again (which I should), I'm just going to reread a book again and again. I'm feeling... Romans. Yes, I'm happier than yesterday because my exams are over for now, no they didn't go as well as I'd hoped but whatevs.
Btw, talk to Mr. I and ask him about the good news haha.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I am a liar
Part I
Not in the sense that I always blatantly lie to others, but I have to admit, I've valued people's opinions too much... and I tell half truths. Why... because I'm a douche bag who can't face causing pain in others. And sometimes I'm just too scared. Or I just don't want to deal with the questions because if you say, actually I'm doing horrendous, but I don't feel like telling you or I don't want to talk to you. But white lies, half truths, it's all crap. It's all wrong. So I guess I rescind my first statement, and say they are lies. It's all bad... and so I embark on this journey to stop. Now... I do think there are things that are immature thoughts that should not be voiced, but there are too many things where I've purposely been gray.
Sometimes it's cause I blatantly lie to myself. I deceive myself, by saying this should be true, and so accept it. I hope that if I tell myself the way things should be enough times, I'll accept it. But I don't. It leads to a double me that can only sustain itself for so long before I implode. And I'm trying to be more honest about my pain, my confusion, my lostness to at least some close friends. Yet I call them friends, but I try to push them away because I want them to interact with better people, people that can help them whereas I can only bring them down. I want to be alone, but I don't. Haha. But God is good... I think part of accepting God is accepting my need for others and not pushing them away.
But ya... I guess being honest to others requires my honesty to myself as well. Instead of telling myself what I should believe. How do I really feel? I'm not talking about preaching the Gospel to myself everyday, which I should do, I'm talking more about emotions towards others. I tell myself I'm not that judgmental but I am, I need to lift it to God. I'm the most critical person ever... I need to lift that to God. I've deceived myself about emotions or my lack of emotions, I need to lift that to God.
I tell people it doesn't bother me, or I don't care. In part cause I want that to be true, I need it to be true. But it's not. I present this arrogant prick who doesn't care about other people, but I really do. Talked to Mr. I last night and he was like I never you had all these insecurities, and I laughed. I laughed that bitter laugh of "indeed, cause I never let you know." knowing that even the ones I consider close friends aren't beyond my... deceitfulness.
comptine d'un autre été - yann tiersen
This song led to the outpouring above... haha.
Part II
And there was a suicide at UVA a couple days ago, and they finally sent an email about it. So many emotions flow, why? Was it worth it? Will your family be okay? Will your friends be okay? And part of me thinks... that could have been me. Sometimes the scars that we carry, we want them to be exposed in the open so we can have others see, do you see how scarred I am, do you see how messed up I am? I'm not that person you thought I was. I'm not that responsible, I'm not that smart, I'm not that caring, I'm not whatever you think. I'm freak, a liar, a two-timer, and all the expletives you can ever imagine.
God's been allowing me to suffer more because I need to learn and accept these parts of me. I need to recognize just how great He is, and how He sees me as nothing like this because of Christ. How I need to let go. How I've hated myself for so long, and used everyone else to cover it up. He's... teaching me. That's the only way I can look at it. And I have to cling to Him. Because if I don't... I'll be the next student on the news haha. I won't do it, but I can't help thinking about it. Not that it's constantly on my mind don't worry lol.
http://www.upworthy.com/bullies-called-him-pork-chop-he-took-that-pain-with-him-and-then-cooked-it-into
I don't connect with everything here, but the emotions of hating myself etc... I do. It lacks Christ haha, but I think even non-Christians recognize the need for something that gives us fulfillment. Sigh... I have all this stuff inside me that needs an outlet, I want to rap (lolzzz), I want to sing, I want to write, but I have to study. I had my mini breakdown, but back to studying. God... is real though, and He's watching. I am slowly emerging from this pit of sorrow, and self-loathing, but this time I'm going to hopefully break free through God's grace, not just pretend that I have and convince myself.
Part I was written a couple days ago, part II is more like an outpouring from today/a couple days ago. I feel like I'm going to have more posts like this, but it's good I think... who knows.
Gowe- Magneto
Magneto- Explanation
If you're bored, listen to both links. One is a song, and one is the explanation duh, but it's solid. Oh ya... might be my last IM soccer game of college... sadness. There was no vball this year, sadness. Frisbee will probably end after me... sadness. But sports aren't that great though lol, honestly... really stupid. But that's another topic.
Side note: Some things might be theologically wrong, bear with me lol. I don't feel like going back and making everything proper...
Not in the sense that I always blatantly lie to others, but I have to admit, I've valued people's opinions too much... and I tell half truths. Why... because I'm a douche bag who can't face causing pain in others. And sometimes I'm just too scared. Or I just don't want to deal with the questions because if you say, actually I'm doing horrendous, but I don't feel like telling you or I don't want to talk to you. But white lies, half truths, it's all crap. It's all wrong. So I guess I rescind my first statement, and say they are lies. It's all bad... and so I embark on this journey to stop. Now... I do think there are things that are immature thoughts that should not be voiced, but there are too many things where I've purposely been gray.
Sometimes it's cause I blatantly lie to myself. I deceive myself, by saying this should be true, and so accept it. I hope that if I tell myself the way things should be enough times, I'll accept it. But I don't. It leads to a double me that can only sustain itself for so long before I implode. And I'm trying to be more honest about my pain, my confusion, my lostness to at least some close friends. Yet I call them friends, but I try to push them away because I want them to interact with better people, people that can help them whereas I can only bring them down. I want to be alone, but I don't. Haha. But God is good... I think part of accepting God is accepting my need for others and not pushing them away.
But ya... I guess being honest to others requires my honesty to myself as well. Instead of telling myself what I should believe. How do I really feel? I'm not talking about preaching the Gospel to myself everyday, which I should do, I'm talking more about emotions towards others. I tell myself I'm not that judgmental but I am, I need to lift it to God. I'm the most critical person ever... I need to lift that to God. I've deceived myself about emotions or my lack of emotions, I need to lift that to God.
I tell people it doesn't bother me, or I don't care. In part cause I want that to be true, I need it to be true. But it's not. I present this arrogant prick who doesn't care about other people, but I really do. Talked to Mr. I last night and he was like I never you had all these insecurities, and I laughed. I laughed that bitter laugh of "indeed, cause I never let you know." knowing that even the ones I consider close friends aren't beyond my... deceitfulness.
comptine d'un autre été - yann tiersen
This song led to the outpouring above... haha.
Part II
And there was a suicide at UVA a couple days ago, and they finally sent an email about it. So many emotions flow, why? Was it worth it? Will your family be okay? Will your friends be okay? And part of me thinks... that could have been me. Sometimes the scars that we carry, we want them to be exposed in the open so we can have others see, do you see how scarred I am, do you see how messed up I am? I'm not that person you thought I was. I'm not that responsible, I'm not that smart, I'm not that caring, I'm not whatever you think. I'm freak, a liar, a two-timer, and all the expletives you can ever imagine.
God's been allowing me to suffer more because I need to learn and accept these parts of me. I need to recognize just how great He is, and how He sees me as nothing like this because of Christ. How I need to let go. How I've hated myself for so long, and used everyone else to cover it up. He's... teaching me. That's the only way I can look at it. And I have to cling to Him. Because if I don't... I'll be the next student on the news haha. I won't do it, but I can't help thinking about it. Not that it's constantly on my mind don't worry lol.
http://www.upworthy.com/bullies-called-him-pork-chop-he-took-that-pain-with-him-and-then-cooked-it-into
I don't connect with everything here, but the emotions of hating myself etc... I do. It lacks Christ haha, but I think even non-Christians recognize the need for something that gives us fulfillment. Sigh... I have all this stuff inside me that needs an outlet, I want to rap (lolzzz), I want to sing, I want to write, but I have to study. I had my mini breakdown, but back to studying. God... is real though, and He's watching. I am slowly emerging from this pit of sorrow, and self-loathing, but this time I'm going to hopefully break free through God's grace, not just pretend that I have and convince myself.
Part I was written a couple days ago, part II is more like an outpouring from today/a couple days ago. I feel like I'm going to have more posts like this, but it's good I think... who knows.
Gowe- Magneto
Magneto- Explanation
If you're bored, listen to both links. One is a song, and one is the explanation duh, but it's solid. Oh ya... might be my last IM soccer game of college... sadness. There was no vball this year, sadness. Frisbee will probably end after me... sadness. But sports aren't that great though lol, honestly... really stupid. But that's another topic.
Side note: Some things might be theologically wrong, bear with me lol. I don't feel like going back and making everything proper...
Postponing the Emo
Postponing the emo post once again... although this one has some emo-ness.
Once again got some more rejections, but this time it's one that I thought I had a shot at. Honestly, I might be spending a year in the Philippines. Lol... O well. It can be good. I can worry what I'll do after that later I guess. We'll see, a couple more prospects where I think I have a chance left.
Today was another pretty productive day, but tomorrow needs to be super productive. Gotta study it up so I can do well on these tests. Sigh. Not too worried about stat test, but math is sort of worrying me. I had something insightful planned, but forgot.
I can't tell if I'm happier the past day or so, or delirious, or maybe I'm learning what it means to have a God like perspective. I hope last one... but time will tell.
I talked about Gowe before, but I really like him a lot. I might buy this album. He's got an interesting background, and I just have a lot of respect for him. He's Christian too, although not all his songs reflect it.
http://gowe.bandcamp.com/album/summer-breeze-sonatas
Link to some of his backstory
I dunno if you guys do this, but I fear a lot about murderers. During sermons or lectures if I can't focus, I think of a situation where someone comes in with a gun intending to kill someone and what would I do. Would I charge at him, would I duck and roll, would I hold a book or Bible in the hopes it would slow the bullet down? Would I stab him with a pencil or pen, punch him, kick him, etc. Interestingly enough it always with me dying and everyone's safe lol. I mean I have those fears at home tho too, except not as heroic. First fear isn't a monster, it's did someone break in, how do I react. This is just a random and honest confession. I want my death to mean something, and for the longest time I wanted cremation, to be thrown in the ocean and forgotten. But I think I'd rather be buried with no coffin so at least my body can decompose and nourish the land. But who knows... Realistically I won't ever get in a fight in the way I imagine or die in the way I imagine. At least not here, elsewhere, it's entirely conceivable.
I've found a lot of new artists lately and most are from Nashville, truly the land of musicians, so interesting how everyone moves there. Dang... this post is entirely random and all over the place. So many things on my mind, but I think I my body is forcing myself to take a break at least until my exams are done. Nice brain/defense mechanism.
Once again got some more rejections, but this time it's one that I thought I had a shot at. Honestly, I might be spending a year in the Philippines. Lol... O well. It can be good. I can worry what I'll do after that later I guess. We'll see, a couple more prospects where I think I have a chance left.
Today was another pretty productive day, but tomorrow needs to be super productive. Gotta study it up so I can do well on these tests. Sigh. Not too worried about stat test, but math is sort of worrying me. I had something insightful planned, but forgot.
I can't tell if I'm happier the past day or so, or delirious, or maybe I'm learning what it means to have a God like perspective. I hope last one... but time will tell.
I talked about Gowe before, but I really like him a lot. I might buy this album. He's got an interesting background, and I just have a lot of respect for him. He's Christian too, although not all his songs reflect it.
http://gowe.bandcamp.com/album/summer-breeze-sonatas
Link to some of his backstory
I dunno if you guys do this, but I fear a lot about murderers. During sermons or lectures if I can't focus, I think of a situation where someone comes in with a gun intending to kill someone and what would I do. Would I charge at him, would I duck and roll, would I hold a book or Bible in the hopes it would slow the bullet down? Would I stab him with a pencil or pen, punch him, kick him, etc. Interestingly enough it always with me dying and everyone's safe lol. I mean I have those fears at home tho too, except not as heroic. First fear isn't a monster, it's did someone break in, how do I react. This is just a random and honest confession. I want my death to mean something, and for the longest time I wanted cremation, to be thrown in the ocean and forgotten. But I think I'd rather be buried with no coffin so at least my body can decompose and nourish the land. But who knows... Realistically I won't ever get in a fight in the way I imagine or die in the way I imagine. At least not here, elsewhere, it's entirely conceivable.
I've found a lot of new artists lately and most are from Nashville, truly the land of musicians, so interesting how everyone moves there. Dang... this post is entirely random and all over the place. So many things on my mind, but I think I my body is forcing myself to take a break at least until my exams are done. Nice brain/defense mechanism.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
God Smacks Me in the Face
Not literally, but basically.
I stepped down from positions earlier this semester, and I was thinking that okay... I'll ease my way back into serving I guess in the more formal roles besides just trying to talk to people, which I've also slowly been working my way out of my shell.
Today I woke up, with several emails. Phili is no longer happening because of lack of communication on their part, but also because GCF decided to pull the plug. So have to email and apologize to them. Now I'm going to Little Lights again, and dunno if I'm going to be the leader, but I'm trying to at least take care of logistics, and probably need to email VTech among other things. The pres (GCF) emailed me about potential sports events with other Christian fellowships on grounds as a way of getting to know them... so now something else to work on.
Honestly... this isn't that much, but it's just tiring. I'm frustrated because I've got so many other things flooding my mind these days, where exercising and even homework have become my ways of not thinking about them, and then I read some google reader.
God Don't Do Nike, and Neither Do We
Serve with joy.
Taking a break doesn't... mean I'll serve with joy. Already I've failed. What I have to do is lift this up to God as well. I have to make God more again. Driving home that message man... but I'm humbled. I still have another post for today, but crazy how God speaks to me through morning devo, and then by reading and not paying attention in class haha. STAT 2120... is boring and so far I'm still good on knowing the stuff already so not too worried.
I stepped down from positions earlier this semester, and I was thinking that okay... I'll ease my way back into serving I guess in the more formal roles besides just trying to talk to people, which I've also slowly been working my way out of my shell.
Today I woke up, with several emails. Phili is no longer happening because of lack of communication on their part, but also because GCF decided to pull the plug. So have to email and apologize to them. Now I'm going to Little Lights again, and dunno if I'm going to be the leader, but I'm trying to at least take care of logistics, and probably need to email VTech among other things. The pres (GCF) emailed me about potential sports events with other Christian fellowships on grounds as a way of getting to know them... so now something else to work on.
Honestly... this isn't that much, but it's just tiring. I'm frustrated because I've got so many other things flooding my mind these days, where exercising and even homework have become my ways of not thinking about them, and then I read some google reader.
God Don't Do Nike, and Neither Do We
Serve with joy.
Taking a break doesn't... mean I'll serve with joy. Already I've failed. What I have to do is lift this up to God as well. I have to make God more again. Driving home that message man... but I'm humbled. I still have another post for today, but crazy how God speaks to me through morning devo, and then by reading and not paying attention in class haha. STAT 2120... is boring and so far I'm still good on knowing the stuff already so not too worried.
Music
You are not your old nature, and Christ has removed it completely from you and in his perfect love, driven out fear. In Christ, you are his treasured possession. We were not meant to lug the weight of slavery around in the first place. Christ’s burden is easy; his yoke is light. You’re clothed in Christ’s righteousness, and when God sees you, he doesn’t see shame—he sees the perfection of Jesus.
From The Red Sea is Behind You
These are the words I've been reading for a long time, but only now have I begun to preach them to myself. I had another post prepared... but it was pretty depressing, and I think this blog needs some variety. Today was one of the most productive days in a long time... kept myself busy, did a lot of work. Sadly not enough work done, but that's okay, making progress. Two exams this week... so been trying to study, but hasn't been going as well as I'd like. Oh well...
Checked cavlink, got lots more rejections aww ya. I have a backup plan though. A CL told me he could get me a job, downside or upside... be in the Philippines for a year. Lol... but I might take it. I feel like my other jobs aren't working out and this could be an awesome opportunity. Overseas experience. Could get involved with ministry there, Japan is nearby. Don't really care about visiting Korea, but I guess I could. Could visit China too. Lots of possibilities... downside gone for a whole year. I had planned to go overseas at some point... but so soon seems interesting, who am I kidding, SCARY. I dunno. I need to hear back from at least 3 places before I decide. EPIC, Elder, TFA. And I guess Census Bureau. I don't really have hopes for anywhere else, but once these tests are over, back to the application grind.
I discovered, thanks to FB, a new Asian rapper named Gowe who's not bad. But bigger and cooler is Ben Rector.
When A Heart Breaks
This song is beautiful, and he's going to come to C'ville in April!!! I'm not gonna miss this like I missed Allen Stone, hopefully.
Life... there are several distinct regrets in it. Once upon a time, I convinced myself that I wouldn't go back and change my life... but I think I would if I could haha. But I can't, all I can do is look to Christ and see what the future holds. I think I'm regaining a proper mindset on death. Death is where we are reborn and completely shed our old selves... looking forward to it. I think that's why if I get TFA going to a place like downtown Chicago scares me, but if I die, it's okay (at least to me, I doubt my parents would say the same...). Trying to get back on a better sleeping schedule, night world.
From The Red Sea is Behind You
These are the words I've been reading for a long time, but only now have I begun to preach them to myself. I had another post prepared... but it was pretty depressing, and I think this blog needs some variety. Today was one of the most productive days in a long time... kept myself busy, did a lot of work. Sadly not enough work done, but that's okay, making progress. Two exams this week... so been trying to study, but hasn't been going as well as I'd like. Oh well...
Checked cavlink, got lots more rejections aww ya. I have a backup plan though. A CL told me he could get me a job, downside or upside... be in the Philippines for a year. Lol... but I might take it. I feel like my other jobs aren't working out and this could be an awesome opportunity. Overseas experience. Could get involved with ministry there, Japan is nearby. Don't really care about visiting Korea, but I guess I could. Could visit China too. Lots of possibilities... downside gone for a whole year. I had planned to go overseas at some point... but so soon seems interesting, who am I kidding, SCARY. I dunno. I need to hear back from at least 3 places before I decide. EPIC, Elder, TFA. And I guess Census Bureau. I don't really have hopes for anywhere else, but once these tests are over, back to the application grind.
I discovered, thanks to FB, a new Asian rapper named Gowe who's not bad. But bigger and cooler is Ben Rector.
When A Heart Breaks
This song is beautiful, and he's going to come to C'ville in April!!! I'm not gonna miss this like I missed Allen Stone, hopefully.
Life... there are several distinct regrets in it. Once upon a time, I convinced myself that I wouldn't go back and change my life... but I think I would if I could haha. But I can't, all I can do is look to Christ and see what the future holds. I think I'm regaining a proper mindset on death. Death is where we are reborn and completely shed our old selves... looking forward to it. I think that's why if I get TFA going to a place like downtown Chicago scares me, but if I die, it's okay (at least to me, I doubt my parents would say the same...). Trying to get back on a better sleeping schedule, night world.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Trying
I think one mistake I've made over the past couple months is just reading a lot. Not that it's bad, but not reflecting enough. Not fighting enough with myself. So that's a goal I have now. To spend more time not just in reflection, but in reflection with God. I realize that my eyes are constantly being opened to more and more of my sins..., but that's good. I can't forget, that it's good. Now I know. Now I can pray about it. Now I can repent on it. Now I can work on it. I feel like... mind set is huge. Not that I'm happier in any way... but trying with a healthier mindset I guess.
I read a chapter in By Grace Alone, and he talked about the parable of the prodigal son. Every time... humbled so much. I'm both sons. I really am. He talks also talks about how Jesus is the third Son narrating the story bringing the focus back to Him. Also a powerful point.
Easy recipe:
I read a chapter in By Grace Alone, and he talked about the parable of the prodigal son. Every time... humbled so much. I'm both sons. I really am. He talks also talks about how Jesus is the third Son narrating the story bringing the focus back to Him. Also a powerful point.
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! (Ps. 139:23-24)
Searching us, God discovers nothing unknown to him (Ps 139:1-3), but discloses the secrets of our hearts, allowing us to know ourselves. Under his tender scrutiny, God exposes, not to shame, but to heal. Thus, turning inward, we are led upward to find consolation, hope, and transformation through Jesus Christ.
Got this quote from a Gospel Coalition article
I think it describes some of the thigns I'm going through. The point of God exposing isn't to shame although that is a natural and I think proper emotion, but He wants to heal. And all my moping and self-hatred has prevented that. Will I stop doing that? ... I hope so eventually. Will I stop thinking that someone can always get a better friend than me, a better x y or z than me? No.... probably not haha. But anyways, Was somewhat productive today, hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Ran some errands yesterday, got poptarts again... unhealthy goodness in those cinnamon ones. Also, can't remember if I said this before, but Trader Joe's is sickkkkkkk. I'm going to shop there more because they sometimes have stuff cheaper than Kroger or same price but many times better.
Easy recipe:
Onions, Garlic, Jar of Tomato Basil Sauce from Trader Joe's, Italian Sausage, (Mushrooms, Spinach etc. optional), Pasta
Sick meal that can last at least 4 meals in rationed well for like 10-13 dollars. Sick deals.
Also got facebook, already check in for like a couple minutes too many times a day... sigh. might keep and block it or something... but I think I won't get google talk back until after lent. Keeps me working harder or more bored so I do something productive.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
I'm a jerk.
I've realized how much of a jerk I am lately. More often than not, I'm not man enough or mature enough to accept everything that people say to me. Either I return some biting smart donkey remark, or I try to just turn it around. Yes... I'm terrible. Sometimes I do have legitimacy in what I say, but often times it's just the crying of an immature person who feels like he's just getting beaten by others and not getting noticed or something dumb like that. I get prideful about all the little things I have done, and try to point them out, but that's all they are little things at best. Nothing substantial, nothing real.
Another thing I've realized is that suffering has ceased to be joyful, not in that masochistic way, but in that way that Paul talks about in Romans. When did suffering/shame/everything overpower all the factulties of my mind? For all those times I said I look forward to suffering, I realize now that I don't... haha. For all those times that I said I welcome it... I don't. But then again it's my fault, and I do take ownership of that. But I've spent a lot of time hating myself, I think it's time to stop being dumb. But I feel like part of laying my life before Christ is knowing and ACCEPTING that I'm forgiven. That accepting part is hard. Because inside me all I can hear is condemnation. I always struggled with what people said about lies of the enemy, but I guess the reality is, the Gospel speaks against what I've been telling myself/hearing. It speaks of something contrary to the enemy. So interesting.
But ya, I got facebook back. I guess next is google talk eventually. The first and second years are mad cute man... mad cute. Sigh, makes me feel old, but I'm glad I got facebook just to see what they did. Haha.
CL gave a solid message about coming back to Christ this past Friday. Props to that brother. Got to catch up with him again, which was nice. GCF is struggling/changing/growing or breaking? Not sure to be honest. But I'm trying to stop the isolation that I've been imposing on myself and starting to see people slowly. All my insecurities remain of course. I don't feel comfortable around people cause I struggle with the fact that I am going to hurt them..., but at some point I have to try again. I have to try again in everything for Christ, and not be afraid of failure. I need to embrace suffering again cause then I can embrace joy as well. Something that's been really lacking.
Wedding Dress
A really powerful song I've found/learned to play. It's pretty, honest, very blunt. Take a listen.
Also... I might try to write a song haha. This is to remind myself if I look back in this one day to say did I write it completely? I have the chords pretty much, just need to have lyrics... but we'll see. I might try to get back into regularly updating my blog, but who knows.
Another thing I've realized is that suffering has ceased to be joyful, not in that masochistic way, but in that way that Paul talks about in Romans. When did suffering/shame/everything overpower all the factulties of my mind? For all those times I said I look forward to suffering, I realize now that I don't... haha. For all those times that I said I welcome it... I don't. But then again it's my fault, and I do take ownership of that. But I've spent a lot of time hating myself, I think it's time to stop being dumb. But I feel like part of laying my life before Christ is knowing and ACCEPTING that I'm forgiven. That accepting part is hard. Because inside me all I can hear is condemnation. I always struggled with what people said about lies of the enemy, but I guess the reality is, the Gospel speaks against what I've been telling myself/hearing. It speaks of something contrary to the enemy. So interesting.
But ya, I got facebook back. I guess next is google talk eventually. The first and second years are mad cute man... mad cute. Sigh, makes me feel old, but I'm glad I got facebook just to see what they did. Haha.
CL gave a solid message about coming back to Christ this past Friday. Props to that brother. Got to catch up with him again, which was nice. GCF is struggling/changing/growing or breaking? Not sure to be honest. But I'm trying to stop the isolation that I've been imposing on myself and starting to see people slowly. All my insecurities remain of course. I don't feel comfortable around people cause I struggle with the fact that I am going to hurt them..., but at some point I have to try again. I have to try again in everything for Christ, and not be afraid of failure. I need to embrace suffering again cause then I can embrace joy as well. Something that's been really lacking.
Wedding Dress
A really powerful song I've found/learned to play. It's pretty, honest, very blunt. Take a listen.
Also... I might try to write a song haha. This is to remind myself if I look back in this one day to say did I write it completely? I have the chords pretty much, just need to have lyrics... but we'll see. I might try to get back into regularly updating my blog, but who knows.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
A Lot of Things, But Only a Few
So, I've been busy and unable to blog for the past couple days, and I have a lot I think I want to share, but I'm only going to share a little for now.
Jesus Is Loving Barabbus
First off watch this video. It's a beautiful message, and something that really hit home to me, and I feel like everyone can relate to some extent. To be honest, I broke down crying haha. Got the video from Mr. I. I like to give credits to people who shared things with me... I dunno y but it irks me when I see people who don't do that. But then again all glory to God.
You Are One of God's Workers
This is a great devotional I read a couple days ago too haha. Also very good, but I really insist you watch the youtube clip. :)
That being said, I dunno if I'm more hopeful or just more stable. A friend wanted to share something with me, and it involved part of his journal and it was about me...and I understood his intentions, but man... it hurt. I had to blaze through it because... ya, it hurt a lot. Nothing false, nothing wrong, but it still hurt and it was in the journal meaning it's... what they really feel.
Part of me wants to go out and serve. I even read another devotional/article about serving out of love, serving because we love, something I too often forget. And I was like, God I want to love you more, I'm struggling a lot, but maybe this will help. Haha. But tied up in that is so much shame and guilt. yes there's a redemptive story, the youtube link emphasizes that so much. But it's hard. I don't think I've fully wrestled with everything that I've been thinking about, but I'm renewing the fight and the attempt to dive into knowing more of God as opposed to the apathy and laziness I've been experiencing the past couple days. I know I said I was busy, and I was, but I also didn't use my time as effectively as I have been. I have something else good to share, but I'll do that tomorrow. It's from a book I'm reading.
Cool thing, people are getting interviews and Mr. I is swimming with me tomorrow. :) Bad news... job searching is really hard for me. I've been applying and either rejections or no replies have become the norm. Honestly I feel like I'm not going to graduate with a job, and that sucks. I only have two places where people are helping me, and those are the only one's I think I have a shot in. And yet for everyone else... it's working out so nicely. I guess in part, that's what I got for not working as hard as I should have, and so yes I deserve it. But still... it's hard for me to be completely joyful for everyone. Yes, very selfish I know. I'm a terrible person. Trust me... I know, and I'm sure you can think of plenty more reasons than I have.
But ya, life goes on. If something doesn't work out... maybe I'll go to Ichthus for a year or talk to Little Lights. But using them as a back up really doesn't sit well with me. And I really want... a job. Why? To give back to my family, to save money for possibly seminary (not that I deserve to go, but I want to), friends (i've told people to go to Urbana in 2015 and i would help pay if they can't lol), to challenge myself in giving, to learn more about the corporate system and what I desire in life, to develop skills that I can carry into missions (when I go, I've committed already... so gonna go at some point lol), maybe for my own possible family (but doubtful), and I dunno why else. But a lot of it is... about money. Need money to survive, need money to give, need money for family, etc. But I need something new in my life, I'm tired of school for now. And as sad as it is... I feel like in UVA, I'm surrounded by my failures/memories of my failures that it's bittersweet here. Not that moving away would take away of these things, of course not. Scars and memories are in the body and soul, but ya.... I dunno... life is... not what I expected. But I guess that's good. Night world.
Jesus Is Loving Barabbus
First off watch this video. It's a beautiful message, and something that really hit home to me, and I feel like everyone can relate to some extent. To be honest, I broke down crying haha. Got the video from Mr. I. I like to give credits to people who shared things with me... I dunno y but it irks me when I see people who don't do that. But then again all glory to God.
You Are One of God's Workers
This is a great devotional I read a couple days ago too haha. Also very good, but I really insist you watch the youtube clip. :)
That being said, I dunno if I'm more hopeful or just more stable. A friend wanted to share something with me, and it involved part of his journal and it was about me...and I understood his intentions, but man... it hurt. I had to blaze through it because... ya, it hurt a lot. Nothing false, nothing wrong, but it still hurt and it was in the journal meaning it's... what they really feel.
Part of me wants to go out and serve. I even read another devotional/article about serving out of love, serving because we love, something I too often forget. And I was like, God I want to love you more, I'm struggling a lot, but maybe this will help. Haha. But tied up in that is so much shame and guilt. yes there's a redemptive story, the youtube link emphasizes that so much. But it's hard. I don't think I've fully wrestled with everything that I've been thinking about, but I'm renewing the fight and the attempt to dive into knowing more of God as opposed to the apathy and laziness I've been experiencing the past couple days. I know I said I was busy, and I was, but I also didn't use my time as effectively as I have been. I have something else good to share, but I'll do that tomorrow. It's from a book I'm reading.
Cool thing, people are getting interviews and Mr. I is swimming with me tomorrow. :) Bad news... job searching is really hard for me. I've been applying and either rejections or no replies have become the norm. Honestly I feel like I'm not going to graduate with a job, and that sucks. I only have two places where people are helping me, and those are the only one's I think I have a shot in. And yet for everyone else... it's working out so nicely. I guess in part, that's what I got for not working as hard as I should have, and so yes I deserve it. But still... it's hard for me to be completely joyful for everyone. Yes, very selfish I know. I'm a terrible person. Trust me... I know, and I'm sure you can think of plenty more reasons than I have.
But ya, life goes on. If something doesn't work out... maybe I'll go to Ichthus for a year or talk to Little Lights. But using them as a back up really doesn't sit well with me. And I really want... a job. Why? To give back to my family, to save money for possibly seminary (not that I deserve to go, but I want to), friends (i've told people to go to Urbana in 2015 and i would help pay if they can't lol), to challenge myself in giving, to learn more about the corporate system and what I desire in life, to develop skills that I can carry into missions (when I go, I've committed already... so gonna go at some point lol), maybe for my own possible family (but doubtful), and I dunno why else. But a lot of it is... about money. Need money to survive, need money to give, need money for family, etc. But I need something new in my life, I'm tired of school for now. And as sad as it is... I feel like in UVA, I'm surrounded by my failures/memories of my failures that it's bittersweet here. Not that moving away would take away of these things, of course not. Scars and memories are in the body and soul, but ya.... I dunno... life is... not what I expected. But I guess that's good. Night world.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Sometimes
Sometimes there are moments of inexplicable hope in my life, and often times there is the opposite haha.
Large Group was different today. PIJ talked for a long time and then we did another thing, basically like the prayer room at urbana. While I think things could have been differently/better, I appreciated what happened. I even did an activity and thought little of it, but the reality was... it was nice to do. Crazy.
You are one of God's workers
This is a devotional that I read I think yesterday, and it was/is good.
God has been gracious (for lack of a better word even though I don't grasp it), in giving me reminders of His faithfulness, despite the fact that I will continuously forever fail. Crazy. I've realized... I want to be destroyed by God. I want to be obliterated, punished. And why? Cause I'm stupid. I honestly don't know besides I like receiving what I deserve, and I desire to receive the good things that I think I deserve (lots of pride and entitlement here, but it goes for both positive and negative). I even realized my longing for death... is because (even though I know better), I put in my head that death is an end. And in one sense, it really is, but it also is the signal of an eternity, of what? An ETERNITY.
That being said... I started cooking some again, which is nice. I can finally slowly see some results from exercising over the past month, which is also nice. My struggles with God and my sin remain the same though, but perhaps that is a good thing. I think in this post, I'm more hopeful then I have been, but we'll see. I still desire death, but I think I'm recognizing that I need to rethink myself more before blindly desiring it. I dunno it's subtle, but there's a slight change in my thought.
Also, I've been using an iphone for a while now with no data plan, but they found out and forced one on it sadly. So, I've officially joined the smartphone club, but I've realized... it's sorta worthless. All I use it for is email and google reader during class, but I can just do that on my own time as well. So I dunno... smart phones aren't worth it, unless the company (hypothetically) that I work for pays for it.
I don't have anything else to say, although I really do. I don't think I can voice it. My memorization of verses has fallen apart, so I'm getting back on that though, which is good in one sense.
OH
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=lZunEARBb6I
Watch this. It's the airforce of S. Korea making a good parody of Les Mis. And I bought a ticket to see a live performance in Richmond of Les Mis, yay. And going to go hiking tomorrow and climb down humpback find a trail and run back to my car haha. That's the plan for now, hopefully it works out and I don't die.
Large Group was different today. PIJ talked for a long time and then we did another thing, basically like the prayer room at urbana. While I think things could have been differently/better, I appreciated what happened. I even did an activity and thought little of it, but the reality was... it was nice to do. Crazy.
You are one of God's workers
This is a devotional that I read I think yesterday, and it was/is good.
God has been gracious (for lack of a better word even though I don't grasp it), in giving me reminders of His faithfulness, despite the fact that I will continuously forever fail. Crazy. I've realized... I want to be destroyed by God. I want to be obliterated, punished. And why? Cause I'm stupid. I honestly don't know besides I like receiving what I deserve, and I desire to receive the good things that I think I deserve (lots of pride and entitlement here, but it goes for both positive and negative). I even realized my longing for death... is because (even though I know better), I put in my head that death is an end. And in one sense, it really is, but it also is the signal of an eternity, of what? An ETERNITY.
That being said... I started cooking some again, which is nice. I can finally slowly see some results from exercising over the past month, which is also nice. My struggles with God and my sin remain the same though, but perhaps that is a good thing. I think in this post, I'm more hopeful then I have been, but we'll see. I still desire death, but I think I'm recognizing that I need to rethink myself more before blindly desiring it. I dunno it's subtle, but there's a slight change in my thought.
Also, I've been using an iphone for a while now with no data plan, but they found out and forced one on it sadly. So, I've officially joined the smartphone club, but I've realized... it's sorta worthless. All I use it for is email and google reader during class, but I can just do that on my own time as well. So I dunno... smart phones aren't worth it, unless the company (hypothetically) that I work for pays for it.
I don't have anything else to say, although I really do. I don't think I can voice it. My memorization of verses has fallen apart, so I'm getting back on that though, which is good in one sense.
OH
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=lZunEARBb6I
Watch this. It's the airforce of S. Korea making a good parody of Les Mis. And I bought a ticket to see a live performance in Richmond of Les Mis, yay. And going to go hiking tomorrow and climb down humpback find a trail and run back to my car haha. That's the plan for now, hopefully it works out and I don't die.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Marriage
Marriage is beautiful. I hope I didn't give the impression that I think otherwise throughout the past several posts. I see J and M and the soon to be baby, and it's beautiful. I see PIJ and A with the not as soon baby and it's beautiful. I see RH and TH and their baby and it's beautiful. I see my own parents... and there's something there, that can only be described as beautiful. So beautiful. Of course there are many other married couples that can be mentioned, YW and A and more. Soon to be J and B. If you can understand all these initials you are legit lol. I dunno if even I'll be able to later on if I look back on this post. But it really is... beautiful. Haha. Temporal, yet wonderful. Haha. Even people JC and FC and their kids. Beautiful as well... so don't get me wrong. Marriage is awesome. That's all lol. Night world.
Remembered
I remembered one thing. Actually reading for my Religion, Ethics and the Environment class reminded me haha.
I hate to be redundant, but I really am recognizing and accepting how, I can never really help someone. It's... painful and disappointing for me to admit it. I really wish I could be that someone that could help that will always be there, but I'll always fail. Which makes me wonder why I so desperately want to work for Teach For America. haha. I listened to some alums of the program share tonight, and I really really want to do it. But the reality is, I probably won't be given the opportunity. Sad as it sounds. I've failed to get any more interviews so far, and I remain doubtful that I'll get any in the future. Which makes me wonder... what should I do with my life? Of course everyone says it will work out, and yes in once sense that is true. And I need to learn to let go of this obsession with having at least an idea of what is to come worked out. But that's easier said than done.
I can't help but wonder/worry/stress. I've already failed so much last semester, and so far this semester has not been an indication that anything is working out any better.
But let's say hypothetically, I get TFA then what. I work for two years, and then re-evaluate my options. Maybe seminary? Downside is TFA won't really give me that much money saved... but I feel like the life experience is worth it. Let's say I go corporate then what? Work for a couple years and I guess same deal, seminary or maybe missions. Alone? Probably. Haha.
I've always had this obsession with getting married young. Get kids so I can play with them and like really play with them, not an old guy watching his kids but be there shoulder to shoulder with them. A dream, that everyday I'm thinking won't come true. In that homosexuality message that I told you to listen to, if you haven't do it now (and they have most seminars uploaded so listen to more), he mentioned (half-jokingly) that marriage is a calling. And... I think it is. And I think it's something that I have not been blessed with. But what do I know right? Well.... I know me and I'm learning more about me. And like I've said before, I have nothing to offer. I once had a friend who mentioned how her boyfriend was so incredibly nice to her and cared for her so much that she doesn't think anyone could ever do that. And... I wish someone could say that about me. But who am I kidding, even people I consider close friends would never say that. Besides, I even told someone close to me... they shouldn't be friends with me. Haha... stupid right. really stupid... but I see no point in being friends with me. I see nothing but pain and disappointment for you. So how then do I desire to serve and all these other things clearly there's a paradox or something. I think, at my core, I desire relationships. But I've become jaded or maybe more clear in my thoughts and vision? Or maybe more stupid. Haha...
That being said... I'm getting more and more used to this being alone. But on a happier note, I scored two goals in indoor soccer today!!!!! Hehe. First and probably last, but that's okay. Shoved a girl by accident, but then got owned by others later on so I guess it worked out.
I think the messiness of my room, reflects the state of my mind right now. Scatter brained. Disorganized. Drained. But I got to see a Mr. name who rhymes with Yuan Ho. I think if it's obvious who if you know him. That was nice. And sadly, I don't know if Philadelphia is going to work out... they are really bad at communicating so I haven't heard anything for a while. Sigh.
I hate to be redundant, but I really am recognizing and accepting how, I can never really help someone. It's... painful and disappointing for me to admit it. I really wish I could be that someone that could help that will always be there, but I'll always fail. Which makes me wonder why I so desperately want to work for Teach For America. haha. I listened to some alums of the program share tonight, and I really really want to do it. But the reality is, I probably won't be given the opportunity. Sad as it sounds. I've failed to get any more interviews so far, and I remain doubtful that I'll get any in the future. Which makes me wonder... what should I do with my life? Of course everyone says it will work out, and yes in once sense that is true. And I need to learn to let go of this obsession with having at least an idea of what is to come worked out. But that's easier said than done.
I can't help but wonder/worry/stress. I've already failed so much last semester, and so far this semester has not been an indication that anything is working out any better.
But let's say hypothetically, I get TFA then what. I work for two years, and then re-evaluate my options. Maybe seminary? Downside is TFA won't really give me that much money saved... but I feel like the life experience is worth it. Let's say I go corporate then what? Work for a couple years and I guess same deal, seminary or maybe missions. Alone? Probably. Haha.
I've always had this obsession with getting married young. Get kids so I can play with them and like really play with them, not an old guy watching his kids but be there shoulder to shoulder with them. A dream, that everyday I'm thinking won't come true. In that homosexuality message that I told you to listen to, if you haven't do it now (and they have most seminars uploaded so listen to more), he mentioned (half-jokingly) that marriage is a calling. And... I think it is. And I think it's something that I have not been blessed with. But what do I know right? Well.... I know me and I'm learning more about me. And like I've said before, I have nothing to offer. I once had a friend who mentioned how her boyfriend was so incredibly nice to her and cared for her so much that she doesn't think anyone could ever do that. And... I wish someone could say that about me. But who am I kidding, even people I consider close friends would never say that. Besides, I even told someone close to me... they shouldn't be friends with me. Haha... stupid right. really stupid... but I see no point in being friends with me. I see nothing but pain and disappointment for you. So how then do I desire to serve and all these other things clearly there's a paradox or something. I think, at my core, I desire relationships. But I've become jaded or maybe more clear in my thoughts and vision? Or maybe more stupid. Haha...
That being said... I'm getting more and more used to this being alone. But on a happier note, I scored two goals in indoor soccer today!!!!! Hehe. First and probably last, but that's okay. Shoved a girl by accident, but then got owned by others later on so I guess it worked out.
I think the messiness of my room, reflects the state of my mind right now. Scatter brained. Disorganized. Drained. But I got to see a Mr. name who rhymes with Yuan Ho. I think if it's obvious who if you know him. That was nice. And sadly, I don't know if Philadelphia is going to work out... they are really bad at communicating so I haven't heard anything for a while. Sigh.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Free Songs!
Today, I found perhaps one of the coolest things ever.
This website has a lot of songs that musicians put on there for free so that you can listen, maybe donate money, and just try them out. Sick deals.
That being said, I got Andy Mineo's album, he's a Christian rapper who rapped at Urbana. And there's actually a fair amount of Christian music on there that seems cool. For ex, a guy made an album based off of C.S. Lewis' writings, his name is Heath McNease if you're interested. Even Allen Stone has some songs on there too.
But ya check out the website, who doesn't like free stuff, and maybe you'll find some new musicians to support and follow. I think I have. This is my good thing to share.
Today, was also cool because I ran the longest I've run for a long time as well, close to 4.5 miles, but I think I might have hurt my knee, but we'll see.
On the downside... I'm struggling to really rest. I'm finding it hard to find peace, I sleep tired and wake up tired. And my jaw joint has been hurting for a couple days, so if it continues I'm going to go ahead and see a dentist and hopefully figure something out. First class prayer meeting happened in like 2 years... at least it's happening again, hopefully. I dunno, I feel like there's so much on my mind, but for the first time I can't really convey any of it. Weird.
Illustrations
In Court With the Accuser of the Brethren
Sometimes, the illustrations are really really helpful. This article touches on things I'm struggling with a lot.
Random note this week is going to be busy... sigh. And I finally got on the job applications again. Demoralizing, but will just hope for the best I guess.
Sometimes, the illustrations are really really helpful. This article touches on things I'm struggling with a lot.
Random note this week is going to be busy... sigh. And I finally got on the job applications again. Demoralizing, but will just hope for the best I guess.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Hello
It's been February for a couple days now... and I haven't been productive at all. In fact the only useful thing I did today was exercise by throwing frisbee, which was a lot of fun. And it was snowing, so it was pretty and relaxing.
That being said, I thought I would hike this morning but couldn't get out of bed, and all in all... today was relaxing. Maybe too relaxing... sigh.
I've made a new revelation about myself though. I'm... beginning to hate materialism that has so strongly bound me a lot lately. I hate it in myself. Maybe that's the effect of deciding not to buy any clothes for myself for this year, and so far I've been good to it. Or maybe, God is just opening up my eyes to the many layers of sin that surround me, of which materialism is included. Who knows?
Job searching sucks, I already missed a deadline, and got rejected from another place... sigh. But tomorrow shall be super productive, because I need it to be. But also... I don't have any plans, and there's another career fair this coming week, so got to get ready.
If the weather was nicer, I'd go hiking, but I guess that will have to be next weekend. Oh well.
https://urbana.org/urbana-12/seminars
If you haven't gone here yet and listened to "A Christian Response to Homosexuality" listen to it. I finally finished it all yesterday... and it's solid. Not just about a response to homosexuality, but a response to living as a Christian... it's challenging and eye opening. Listen to it. If you've ignored all of the links I've posted in the past couple days, fine. But listen to this message. Peace.
That being said, I thought I would hike this morning but couldn't get out of bed, and all in all... today was relaxing. Maybe too relaxing... sigh.
I've made a new revelation about myself though. I'm... beginning to hate materialism that has so strongly bound me a lot lately. I hate it in myself. Maybe that's the effect of deciding not to buy any clothes for myself for this year, and so far I've been good to it. Or maybe, God is just opening up my eyes to the many layers of sin that surround me, of which materialism is included. Who knows?
Job searching sucks, I already missed a deadline, and got rejected from another place... sigh. But tomorrow shall be super productive, because I need it to be. But also... I don't have any plans, and there's another career fair this coming week, so got to get ready.
If the weather was nicer, I'd go hiking, but I guess that will have to be next weekend. Oh well.
https://urbana.org/urbana-12/seminars
If you haven't gone here yet and listened to "A Christian Response to Homosexuality" listen to it. I finally finished it all yesterday... and it's solid. Not just about a response to homosexuality, but a response to living as a Christian... it's challenging and eye opening. Listen to it. If you've ignored all of the links I've posted in the past couple days, fine. But listen to this message. Peace.
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