A Lot of Things, But Only a Few

So, I've been busy and unable to blog for the past couple days, and I have a lot I think I want to share, but I'm only going to share a little for now.

Jesus Is Loving Barabbus

First off watch this video.  It's a beautiful message, and something that really hit home to me, and I feel like everyone can relate to some extent.  To be honest, I broke down crying haha.  Got the video from Mr. I.  I like to give credits to people who shared things with me... I dunno y but it irks me when I see people who don't do that.  But then again all glory to God.

You Are One of God's Workers

This is a great devotional I read a couple days ago too haha.  Also very good, but I really insist you watch the youtube clip. :)

That being said, I dunno if I'm more hopeful or just more stable.  A friend wanted to share something with me, and it involved part of his journal and it was about me...and I understood his intentions, but man... it hurt. I had to blaze through it because... ya, it hurt a lot.  Nothing false, nothing wrong, but it still hurt and it was in the journal meaning it's... what they really feel.

Part of me wants to go out and serve.  I even read another devotional/article about serving out of love, serving because we love, something I too often forget.  And I was like, God I want to love you more, I'm struggling a lot, but maybe this will help.  Haha.  But tied up in that is so much shame and guilt.  yes there's a redemptive story, the youtube link emphasizes that so much.  But it's hard.  I don't think I've fully wrestled with everything that I've been thinking about, but I'm renewing the fight and the attempt to dive into knowing more of God as opposed to the apathy and laziness I've been experiencing the past couple days.  I know I said I was busy, and I was, but I also didn't use my time as effectively as I have been.  I have something else good to share, but I'll do that tomorrow.  It's from a book I'm reading.

Cool thing, people are getting interviews and Mr. I is swimming with me tomorrow. :)  Bad news... job searching is really hard for me.  I've been applying and either rejections or no replies have become the norm. Honestly I feel like I'm not going to graduate with a job, and that sucks. I only have two places where people are helping me, and those are the only one's I think I have a shot in.  And yet for everyone else... it's working out so nicely.  I guess in part, that's what I got for not working as hard as I should have, and so yes I deserve it.  But still... it's hard for me to be completely joyful for everyone.  Yes, very selfish I know.  I'm a terrible person.  Trust me... I know, and I'm sure you can think of plenty more reasons than I have.

But ya, life goes on.  If something doesn't work out... maybe I'll go to Ichthus for a year or talk to Little Lights.  But using them as a back up really doesn't sit well with me.  And I really want... a job.  Why?  To give back to my family, to save money for possibly seminary (not that I deserve to go, but I want to), friends (i've told people to go to Urbana in 2015 and i would help pay if they can't lol), to challenge myself in giving, to learn more about the corporate system and what I desire in life, to develop skills that I can carry into missions (when I go, I've committed already... so gonna go at some point lol), maybe for my own possible family (but doubtful), and I dunno why else.  But a lot of it is... about money.  Need money to survive, need money to give, need money for family, etc.  But I need something new in my life, I'm tired of school for now. And as sad as it is... I feel like in UVA, I'm surrounded by my failures/memories of my failures that it's bittersweet here.  Not that moving away would take away of these things, of course not.  Scars and memories are in the body and soul, but ya.... I dunno... life is... not what I expected.  But I guess that's good.  Night world.