Sometimes

Sometimes there are moments of inexplicable hope in my life, and often times there is the opposite haha.

Large Group was different today.  PIJ talked for a long time and then we did another thing, basically like the prayer room at urbana.  While I think things could have been differently/better, I appreciated what happened.  I even did an activity and thought little of it, but the reality was... it was nice to do.  Crazy.

You are one of God's workers

This is a devotional that I read I think yesterday, and it was/is good.

God has been gracious (for lack of a better word even though I don't grasp it), in giving me reminders of His faithfulness, despite the fact that I will continuously forever fail.  Crazy.  I've realized... I want to be destroyed by God.  I want to be obliterated, punished.  And why?  Cause I'm stupid.  I honestly don't know besides I like receiving what I deserve, and I desire to receive the good things that I think I deserve (lots of pride and entitlement here, but it goes for both positive and negative).  I even realized my longing for death... is because (even though I know better), I put in my head that death is an end.  And in one sense, it really is, but it also is the signal of an eternity, of what?  An ETERNITY.

That being said... I started cooking some again, which is nice.  I can finally slowly see some results from exercising over the past month, which is also nice.  My struggles with God and my sin remain the same though, but perhaps that is a good thing.  I think in this post, I'm more hopeful then I have been, but we'll see.  I still desire death, but I think I'm recognizing that I need to rethink myself more before blindly desiring it.  I dunno it's subtle, but there's a slight change in my thought.

Also, I've been using an iphone for a while now with no data plan, but they found out and forced one on it sadly.  So, I've officially joined the smartphone club, but I've realized... it's sorta worthless.  All I use it for is email and google reader during class, but I can just do that on my own time as well.  So I dunno... smart phones aren't worth it, unless the company (hypothetically) that I work for pays for it.

I don't have anything else to say, although I really do.  I don't think I can voice it.  My memorization of verses has fallen apart, so I'm getting back on that though, which is good in one sense.

OH
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=lZunEARBb6I
Watch this.  It's the airforce of S. Korea making a good parody of Les Mis.  And I bought a ticket to see a live performance in Richmond of Les Mis, yay.  And going to go hiking tomorrow and climb down humpback find a trail and run back to my car haha.  That's the plan for now, hopefully it works out and I don't die.