Remembered

I remembered one thing.  Actually reading for my Religion, Ethics and the Environment class reminded me haha.

I hate to be redundant, but I really am recognizing and accepting how, I can never really help someone.  It's... painful and disappointing for me to admit it.  I really wish I could be that someone that could help that will always be there, but I'll always fail. Which makes me wonder why I so desperately want to work for Teach For America.  haha.  I listened to some alums of the program share tonight, and I really really want to do it.  But the reality is, I probably won't be given the opportunity.  Sad as it sounds.  I've failed to get any more interviews so far, and I remain doubtful that I'll get any in the future.  Which makes me wonder... what should I do with my life?  Of course everyone says it will work out, and yes in once sense that is true.  And I need to learn to let go of this obsession with having at least an idea of what is to come worked out.  But that's easier said than done.

I can't help but wonder/worry/stress.  I've already failed so much last semester, and so far this semester has not been an indication that anything is working out any better.

But let's say hypothetically, I get TFA then what.  I work for two years, and then re-evaluate my options.  Maybe seminary?  Downside is TFA won't really give me that much money saved... but I feel like the life experience is worth it.  Let's say I go corporate then what?  Work for a couple years and I guess same deal, seminary or maybe missions.  Alone?  Probably.  Haha.

I've always had this obsession with getting married young.  Get kids so I can play with them and like really play with them, not an old guy watching his kids but be there shoulder to shoulder with them.  A dream, that everyday I'm thinking won't come true.  In that homosexuality message that I told you to listen to, if you haven't do it now (and they have most seminars uploaded so listen to more), he mentioned (half-jokingly) that marriage is a calling.  And... I think it is.  And I think it's something that I have not been blessed with.  But what do I know right?  Well.... I know me and I'm learning more about me.  And like I've said before, I have nothing to offer.  I once had a friend who mentioned how her boyfriend was so incredibly nice to her and cared for her so much that she doesn't think anyone could ever do that.  And... I wish someone could say that about me.  But who am I kidding, even people I consider close friends would never say that.  Besides, I even told someone close to me... they shouldn't be friends with me.  Haha... stupid right.  really stupid... but I see no point in being friends with me.  I see nothing but pain and disappointment for you.  So how then do I desire to serve and all these other things clearly there's a paradox or something.  I think, at my core, I desire relationships.  But I've become jaded or maybe more clear in my thoughts and vision?  Or maybe more stupid.  Haha...

That being said... I'm getting more and more used to this being alone.  But on a happier note, I scored two goals in indoor soccer today!!!!!  Hehe.  First and probably last, but that's okay.  Shoved a girl by accident, but then got owned by others later on so I guess it worked out.

I think the messiness of my room, reflects the state of my mind right now.  Scatter brained.  Disorganized.  Drained.  But I got to see a Mr. name who rhymes with Yuan Ho.  I think if it's obvious who if you know him.  That was nice.  And sadly, I don't know if Philadelphia is going to work out... they are really bad at communicating so I haven't heard anything for a while.  Sigh.