I'm a jerk.

I've realized how much of a jerk I am lately.  More often than not, I'm not man enough or mature enough to accept everything that people say to me.  Either I return some biting smart donkey remark, or I try to just turn it around.  Yes... I'm terrible.  Sometimes I do have legitimacy in what I say, but often times it's just the crying of an immature person who feels like he's just getting beaten by others and not getting noticed or something dumb like that.  I get prideful about all the little things I have done, and try to point them out, but that's all they are little things at best.  Nothing substantial, nothing real.

Another thing I've realized is that suffering has ceased to be joyful, not in that masochistic way, but in that way that Paul talks about in Romans.  When did suffering/shame/everything overpower all the factulties of my mind?  For all those times I said I look forward to suffering, I realize now that I don't... haha.  For all those times that I said I welcome it... I don't.  But then again it's my fault, and I do take ownership of that.  But I've spent a lot of time hating myself, I think it's time to stop being dumb.  But I feel like part of laying my life before Christ is knowing and ACCEPTING that I'm forgiven.  That accepting part is hard.  Because inside me all I can hear is condemnation.  I always struggled with what people said about lies of the enemy, but I guess the reality is, the Gospel speaks against what I've been telling myself/hearing.  It speaks of something contrary to the enemy.  So interesting.

But ya, I got facebook back.  I guess next is google talk eventually.  The first and second years are mad cute man... mad cute.  Sigh, makes me feel old, but I'm glad I got facebook just to see what they did.  Haha.

CL gave a solid message about coming back to Christ this past Friday.  Props to that brother.  Got to catch up with him again, which was nice.  GCF is struggling/changing/growing or breaking?  Not sure to be honest.  But I'm trying to stop the isolation that I've been imposing on myself and starting to see people slowly.  All my insecurities remain of course.  I don't feel comfortable around people cause I struggle with the fact that I am going to hurt them..., but at some point I have to try again.  I have to try again in everything for Christ, and not be afraid of failure.  I need to embrace suffering again cause then I can embrace joy as well.  Something that's been really lacking.

Wedding Dress
A really powerful song I've found/learned to play.  It's pretty, honest, very blunt.  Take a listen.

Also... I might try to write a song haha.  This is to remind myself if I look back in this one day to say did I write it completely?  I have the chords pretty much, just need to have lyrics... but we'll see.  I might try to get back into regularly updating my blog, but who knows.