Part I
Not in the sense that I always blatantly lie to others, but I have to admit, I've valued people's opinions too much... and I tell half truths. Why... because I'm a douche bag who can't face causing pain in others. And sometimes I'm just too scared. Or I just don't want to deal with the questions because if you say, actually I'm doing horrendous, but I don't feel like telling you or I don't want to talk to you. But white lies, half truths, it's all crap. It's all wrong. So I guess I rescind my first statement, and say they are lies. It's all bad... and so I embark on this journey to stop. Now... I do think there are things that are immature thoughts that should not be voiced, but there are too many things where I've purposely been gray.
Sometimes it's cause I blatantly lie to myself. I deceive myself, by saying this should be true, and so accept it. I hope that if I tell myself the way things should be enough times, I'll accept it. But I don't. It leads to a double me that can only sustain itself for so long before I implode. And I'm trying to be more honest about my pain, my confusion, my lostness to at least some close friends. Yet I call them friends, but I try to push them away because I want them to interact with better people, people that can help them whereas I can only bring them down. I want to be alone, but I don't. Haha. But God is good... I think part of accepting God is accepting my need for others and not pushing them away.
But ya... I guess being honest to others requires my honesty to myself as well. Instead of telling myself what I should believe. How do I really feel? I'm not talking about preaching the Gospel to myself everyday, which I should do, I'm talking more about emotions towards others. I tell myself I'm not that judgmental but I am, I need to lift it to God. I'm the most critical person ever... I need to lift that to God. I've deceived myself about emotions or my lack of emotions, I need to lift that to God.
I tell people it doesn't bother me, or I don't care. In part cause I want that to be true, I need it to be true. But it's not. I present this arrogant prick who doesn't care about other people, but I really do. Talked to Mr. I last night and he was like I never you had all these insecurities, and I laughed. I laughed that bitter laugh of "indeed, cause I never let you know." knowing that even the ones I consider close friends aren't beyond my... deceitfulness.
comptine d'un autre été - yann tiersen
This song led to the outpouring above... haha.
Part II
And there was a suicide at UVA a couple days ago, and they finally sent an email about it. So many emotions flow, why? Was it worth it? Will your family be okay? Will your friends be okay? And part of me thinks... that could have been me. Sometimes the scars that we carry, we want them to be exposed in the open so we can have others see, do you see how scarred I am, do you see how messed up I am? I'm not that person you thought I was. I'm not that responsible, I'm not that smart, I'm not that caring, I'm not whatever you think. I'm freak, a liar, a two-timer, and all the expletives you can ever imagine.
God's been allowing me to suffer more because I need to learn and accept these parts of me. I need to recognize just how great He is, and how He sees me as nothing like this because of Christ. How I need to let go. How I've hated myself for so long, and used everyone else to cover it up. He's... teaching me. That's the only way I can look at it. And I have to cling to Him. Because if I don't... I'll be the next student on the news haha. I won't do it, but I can't help thinking about it. Not that it's constantly on my mind don't worry lol.
http://www.upworthy.com/bullies-called-him-pork-chop-he-took-that-pain-with-him-and-then-cooked-it-into
I don't connect with everything here, but the emotions of hating myself etc... I do. It lacks Christ haha, but I think even non-Christians recognize the need for something that gives us fulfillment. Sigh... I have all this stuff inside me that needs an outlet, I want to rap (lolzzz), I want to sing, I want to write, but I have to study. I had my mini breakdown, but back to studying. God... is real though, and He's watching. I am slowly emerging from this pit of sorrow, and self-loathing, but this time I'm going to hopefully break free through God's grace, not just pretend that I have and convince myself.
Part I was written a couple days ago, part II is more like an outpouring from today/a couple days ago. I feel like I'm going to have more posts like this, but it's good I think... who knows.
Gowe- Magneto
Magneto- Explanation
If you're bored, listen to both links. One is a song, and one is the explanation duh, but it's solid. Oh ya... might be my last IM soccer game of college... sadness. There was no vball this year, sadness. Frisbee will probably end after me... sadness. But sports aren't that great though lol, honestly... really stupid. But that's another topic.
Side note: Some things might be theologically wrong, bear with me lol. I don't feel like going back and making everything proper...
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