Scariness

Sometimes... your worst fears come true. I never wanted to be like my dad. There are so many bad adjectives that go behind that, but ya I never ever wanted to be like him. And the sad thing is... I have. The one person I never wanted to be like... I can see in me. Not just physically, but emotionally and how I treat people. It makes me so sad and angry. Why did this happen? How could it?

Because I thought I could change it. But I can't. God can. In the end, all I'm doing is focusing on this model that I'm trying to fight against, and I will always fail. Only God can change me. Only God can break this cycle of brokenness.

What a fool I've been... but God has revealed this to me. God... is legit lol.

I talked to PIJ today, and this has probably been the best conversation ever... ya. I think it takes a couple meetings to really break the ice, but now I can see things about him I never could see. I really thank God for him, and his wife, and everything.

PIJ made some comments about my dad being very critical and judgmental  and instead of accepting his faults he might wallow in them etc. I will be the first to admit there is a huge scar in my dad's heart, but only God can heal it. But at the same time... these faults were in me, and I thought I could change it.

Not only that... I've been avoiding that side of my family for the past couple years. But PIJ encouraged me to reach out to them. To talk to them as led by the Holy Spirit and just share the Gospel with them.

Gowe- I Wonder
In part, this song is just straight up beautiful and powerful. It shows a loving heart, but not only does this hit me because I can empathize with a broken family, but I think it really does represent some of what my father went through. Not that it's an excuse for his actions, but I see more of him.

I've spent so long being critical and judgmental of people, but not loving. I need God to help me love. I dunno... I just came away from this convo with PIJ with a lot on my mind and to think about.

On a side note... I heard that someone mentioned that I would be a good boyfriend but a bad husband... lol. Honestly, I was hurt by this. For one thing, I think I should have been a much better boyfriend, and people think I'm going to be a bad husband... haha. It just hurts, but honestly... maybe it's true. I don't deserve the gift of marriage. But it's okay. In the end all I need is Jesus. I've spent so long, desiring so many things in this world. I need to stop. Actually, when I heard this it really messed with me. But it's good. I need to stop looking to people, and look to God. In Him I am reborn. In Him I am made clean. In Him there is everything.
Masterpiece- MC Jin
This song by a rapper who was saved almost made me cry, if I wasn't sitting in a library haha. And it has words that I am striving to tell myself everyday. If I posted earlier, I probably would have been bitter about what was said above, but it's okay. It's probably true in some sense, and all I can do is strive for God to change me.