Trying

I think one mistake I've made over the past couple months is just reading a lot.  Not that it's bad, but not reflecting enough.  Not fighting enough with myself.  So that's a goal I have now.  To spend more time not just in reflection, but in reflection with God.  I realize that my eyes are constantly being opened to more and more of my sins..., but that's good.  I can't forget, that it's good.  Now I know.  Now I can pray about it.  Now I can repent on it.  Now I can work on it.  I feel like... mind set is huge.  Not that I'm happier in any way... but trying with a healthier mindset I guess.

I read a chapter in By Grace Alone, and he talked about the parable of the prodigal son.  Every time... humbled so much.  I'm both sons.  I really am.  He talks also talks about how Jesus is the third Son narrating the story bringing the focus back to Him.  Also a powerful point.

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! (Ps. 139:23-24)

Searching us, God discovers nothing unknown to him (Ps 139:1-3), but discloses the secrets of our hearts, allowing us to know ourselves. Under his tender scrutiny, God exposes, not to shame, but to heal. Thus, turning inward, we are led upward to find consolation, hope, and transformation through Jesus Christ. 

Got this quote from a Gospel Coalition article

Why Bother with Lent

I think it describes some of the thigns I'm going through.  The point of God exposing isn't to shame although that is a natural and I think proper emotion, but He wants to heal.  And all my moping and self-hatred has prevented that.  Will I stop doing that?  ... I hope so eventually.  Will I stop thinking that someone can always get a better friend than me, a better x y or z than me?  No.... probably not haha.  But anyways,  Was somewhat productive today, hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Ran some errands yesterday, got poptarts again... unhealthy goodness in those cinnamon ones.  Also, can't remember if I said this before, but Trader Joe's is sickkkkkkk.  I'm going to shop there more because they sometimes have stuff cheaper than Kroger or same price but many times better.

Easy recipe:

Onions, Garlic, Jar of Tomato Basil Sauce from Trader Joe's, Italian Sausage, (Mushrooms, Spinach etc. optional), Pasta

Sick meal that can last at least 4 meals in rationed well for like 10-13 dollars.  Sick deals.

Also got facebook, already check in for like a couple minutes too many times a day... sigh.  might keep and block it or something... but I think I won't get google talk back until after lent.  Keeps me working harder or more bored so I do something productive.