Learning

One of the Gestapo officers sent to observe the proceedings remarked to one of the pastors, “This is the way kings are buried!” to which the pastor replied: “Hardly! What is happening here is that a blood witness of Jesus Christ is borne to the grave.”
Deep my friend. Deep.

http://www.paultripp.com/articles/posts/reasons-to-be-passive-part-3

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2013/11/27/quit/
made me chuckle at work

Randomness, my coworker's sister works for a clothes line company, designer group, whatever you want to call it. So he gets free jeans. Sick deals. That's pretty cool imho. Also cool, free lunch a couple days ago. :) Also cooler, getting to learn more about coworkers that I don't interact at all with. I'm too quiet cause I can't think of anything cool to say in the conversation, but I got to learn so much more about them. It was fun. Like actually fun.

Curses in my job situation? If I finish it quickly, which I try to do... I'm left with nothing. Which would be fine if I worked from home. Cause then I could do some chores. Jam out cause I'm trying to play my guitar again after a several month hiatus. Do some jumping jacks to wake up, I dunno. But then working at home for more than a couple days makes me antsy, cause literally... I'm in my room for way too long.

Random cool things I've found/quirks to keep in mind:
Kickstarter is cool. Like I'm realizing it now, but it's really cool. Case in point, I might buy this.
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/702400282/maxstone-iphone-your-camera

Tip for staying warm in winter. What happens to clothes as you wear them? They wear out. And most of the time it's just get rid of them or something. But, if you have an old wool sweater that has holes in it... use it for lounging or sleeping should you want. I plan on doing that while snowboarding cause who cares if there are holes. Longsleeve, wool sweater, fleece, shell ready for sub freezing temps baby. Why? Cause wool is incredibly warm for it's weight compared to cotton, a natural body odor fighter, and wool sweaters breath well. And cotton absorbs all your sweat like a nasty boss. So now I get to get more use out of a sweater that I had every intention of tossing away. Yay me.

But in all seriousness, new years is approaching. Whereas normally I say what the the heck it's just another day, I want to recap my goals.
1) Volunteer
2) Save money
3) Short term missions in Japan
4) Learn more and act more like Christ
5) Six pack (why not keep on trying haha)
6) Limit spending (aka some clothes to replace my shirts with holes, laptop, possibly new cell phone, some small things)
7) Change job position or new job (unless something cool happens with my job, but doubtful)
     Sub goal to this, move out of C'ville unless something makes me want to stay
8) Visit the family I haven't seen for over four years... cray cray.
9) Share with my family my future goals
10) Read books (Currently reading Mark of a Man, Don't Waste Your Life, Boy Meets Girl (No there is no reason for this, please don't misinterpret. Just wanted something on a different topic if that makes sense))

These goals are not in any particular order, and number 9 will probably happen sometime this week. But I'm scared in many ways to be honest. Am I qualified to dream these dreams of mine for serving? Nah. But will I ever be qualified? Nah. But we'll see how that goes. For real... scared.

Btw family, I'm going to be forever poor in the world. And... ya, I'm going to be poor. In fact, I'll be surviving based on the grace of God and the kindness/power of Holy Spirit in others. Oh dear...

Which honestly is scary in other ways too. Could I realistically invite someone to join me for a life like that? Overseas? Other potential complications? Yet is it worth it in the end? Yes... yes I dare say it is. But that's still intimidating, to both my parents and to any potential other. But in the end, it's say it. And trust in God. Anxiety is a reminder that I don't trust in God enough. Being cautious is not a sign of lack of trust in my opinion, but that's a fine line. Regardless, learning to trust my friends. Learning to trust. But this applies to so many other aspects in my life. Prob expounding to be done at some point.

Random guilty secret that's funny. So I have to put lotion on during the winter cause my skin dries out really quickly and gets ashy. Joggeum gross. But I forgot to pack lotion, so after my shower I looked in the bathroom for lotion. (On a ski trip with my fam currently). And found body butter that smells like warm vanilla. So relaxing haha. Will I potentially buy some in the future for winter use? Maybe. Don't judge me guys. But it's like having a candle smell following you, so relaxing.

Christmas Eve

http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/11/we-should-do-away-with-should.html
Interesting.

Downtime at work means random article reading and etc. I looked up a cost of living calculator for fun. Is it accurate? I highly doubt it, but for a general feel it can't hurt. And it was fun. Each time I typed in a new city, I was instantly like oh man could I survive here? So expensive or I was like oh, not that different. Granted my rent right now is super cheap. Thanks to living with roommates. But still, it's fun. If I moved there and found a job, would be cool. Or if I stayed in this job and moved, that would be cool too (minus staying in this job, more like a different position same company). But everything is up in the air my friends. The world is full of uncertainty, and I will live in it.

http://michaelkelleyministries.com/2013/11/wisdom-is-not-an-endless-series-of-unanswered-questions/
Case in point. Act, go, and live. Screw up and get up.

Sometimes... I feel trapped by work. Stuck in an office. Stuck in a grind. It's been 6 months people. 6 months... crazy. I was sorta saddened when I talked to a friend and their bonus is more than a 1/4 of my yearly salary haha. But I've realized do I need that much more money? To live not at all. To save? Ya... it'd be nice. I could save more money for my brother and seminary that much faster. Or any other significant life events. Objectively, I would be tithing more money than I am now. Etc. That being said, please let me know if you or someone you know is going on missions. I would like to support them if I can. Although please don't abuse this, I'm willing but I'm not rich by any stretch of the imagination guys.

Oh life... that's right I said a happy post. This one isn't that sad at all in my opinion. But happier things. I'm leaving work early to go home for Christmas Eve. Get to see my family. Spend Christmas with them, and then come back Christmas evening so I can work the following day. But overall, things are relatively chill here at work so no complaints. In reality, I don't have much to complain about. I'm blessed in so many ways. I'm blessed when I shouldn't be. And so I give a little smile to God. And say thanks. Sorry about the mess, but thanks. So despite all my bitter invectives, when it comes down to it, the only complaints and charges that I truly hold are against myself. Which in the light of God's forgiveness and through spending time with Him, will fade. So this isn't a bubbly happy, this is a reminder of where I draw my happiness from. I'm sure I'll have a bubbly happy post within the next couple weeks, probably just because of snowboarding achievements that I hope to make. Merry Christmas Eve and Christmas everyone haha. Dunno if I'll write a post tomorrow in time to say Merry Christmas.

EDIT
Just read this... oh garsh. Haha
http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/are-books-your-shell-collection

Belong

Where do I belong? Where my friends are? Where my fellowship is? Where my family is? Where I "feel" like I belong?

I don't have an answer at the moment. Perhaps that's why I long to be married? Cause then you belong with your wife right? Haha sounds so selfish when I put it that way. Perhaps that's the problem though. I shouldn't be in a relationship cause inherently I'm gaining something out of it. Is that completely wrong? I would argue no. Isn't that perfectly natural that there are some gains and losses? But then if they were with me, more losses than gains, so better to not be in a relationship right? In the end, there's someone better for them. But of course for other people that doesn't matter, what matters is the present. But for me it does matter because I'm the worst or something. And as such, I'm a "special" case or some bs, which in the end is pure hypocrisy.

So that aside, where do I belong? C'ville? I certainly live there. I certainly work there. But do I belong there? Or is that just my objective opinion? I have friends there. But do I honestly feel more at home there then I do in NOVA at my aunt's house or in Richmond at my family's house? Not really. The only real difference is, I am responsible for my living situation in C'ville. But do I belong? I haven't gone to Trinity enough to find friends there. So no real fellowship.

But do I really feel at home with my family? I feel fall more comfortable than I used to. Why cause I'm realizing that I love them. But do I belong there?

In the end what does this even mean?

And yes we can all toss out the but you belong to God. You are His. Earth is not your real home, your real home is in heaven. Etc. Cool. Thanks. Yet, I feel like there's something I'm missing. But maybe I'm not. Maybe that's the point. There's no place that I will truly belong in. Oh God... I think too much at the wrong times don't I?

Haha. That's the main issue of my life. I'm just stupid.

That and I'm the most jaded SOB when it comes to myself. Spent some time enjoying some day dreams/hopes and then systematically dismantled them. Why? Cause they won't come true nor should they come true. Who decides that? I do haha.

When I was younger, I always wanted a big house. I wanted to show it off, and be like yup here's my house. Well, my family doesn't have a big one. We haven't moved for a long time. And to be honest, I like our house a lot. I visited CL's house for the first time last night. It was beautiful. As in that house could make to look like a showroom or something and just been like wow. I also realized... it doesn't appeal to me like it used to. I have no desire for a big house. To be honest, I've been randomly staring at houses that I drive by in C'ville. And I'm like could I live there? Would I want to buy it? But... I've realized I'm going to be slightly nomadic for a while. Every couple years probably changing where I'm at. Why? Work/another job possibly/seminary/then God knows where. And ultimately Japan for at least a couple years if not more.

Will I ever own a house? Maybe if I inherit the one from my family should they die a premature death? Honestly, I don't how else I'd get one. But I'm happy... that something like that has been let go from my list of wrong desires. Not that having a big house is sinful at all. Please don't get me wrong.

Also last night, I drove back to C'ville from NOVA at midnight. Stupid right? Yup. Was I tying to tempt fate? Haha, I don't know. I just decided that's what I was going to do. Overall it was fine. Hit that sleepy spell in the middle and overcame it relatively fine. Then I had the great idea to turn off all the music. And the silence was oppressive. I felt like I was suffocating for a split second, and then I was reminded that is peaceful. This is what I want. And the discomfort slowly subsided to thoughtful (actually depressing) reflection, and some good old praying. And then the combination of silence and late night took it's toll. That last 20 minutes driving home was rough... whew. But I'm still alive aren't I?

In the end, I haven't died yet. And at church today, I heard these hauntingly beautiful hymns. I was captivated. I was lost... and I was amazed. Mankind, you can make the most beautiful things, and then we can eff the world up at the same time haha. Sigh. I think last night, as I began to fall asleep, is the first time in a while where I was legit half thinking is this a dream? Will I wake up and be much older or much younger, and say what a fascinating dream? And as I woke up to super dark and rainy day, it only helped to reinforce that mindset. And then I got to work, and I remember nope this is reality. The beautiful and ugly reality.

But ultimately the question is, do I let my own thoughts guide me or do I submit to God? Do I decide to press on because of God, or do I just stay in this stupid asinine bubble of stupidity. The answer is clearly God. Which is why I dare hope. I dare dream. I dare be happy. Even if part of me wants to fight it all the while.

Don't worry, I plan to post a happy post in the next couple days to balance out all this madness.
Grown Up Christmas Wish- Michael Buble
My fav Christmas song, but one of my fav singers.

Food

http://www.demilked.com/breast-cancer-bob-linda-carey-foundation-pink-tutu-project/
Dang. Could you do this? I honestly don't think I could.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/317081629986033212/
challenge do this. I will.

Last night, I ate at a nice restaurant. Pretty fancy. And I liked it, until a bunch of old blood rich Richmonders came in. And I was turned off. -_- They all act the same. They all look at those with different clothes or minorities with a o.O, sigh. They honestly ruined a good experience. The fish was incredible. The vegetables just steamed, so meh. But the fish, I was genuinely impressed with. Guys sea salt makes a difference, get it. I know I plan to. Now my surroundings? Take your pompous, I'm somewhat racist, but can't admit it cause I know it's socially wrong attitude out of my face. Haha. Over reacting? Why yes I am. I know I am. But did some of those people give my family weird looks? Yup. Did I want to get in a fight? Possibly... but of course that's not socially acceptable. :P But I liked the food still, so people aside yumz. My brother was funny tho. He looked at the price, and immediately said I don't want to eat here. Good kid.

Then fast forward to where I'm babysitting my cousin in nova. Sigh so much driving this month. And she took the bows out of her hair and asked me to put them back in. Good thing she's 3. Cause I had no idea how to do it, and gave her the perfect split in the middle, aka looked sort of ridiculous.

Now let's fast forward to the future. Cause in my world, we can do that. How many more people will I hurt before I die? Probably too many to count. So am I afraid? Yes. I'm afraid of myself. And there's a basic fear inside of me of others as well. I'm pretty sure we all have that tho to some extent. People are pretty scary guys and yet so necessary and wonderful in life.

I... have too many things flying through my head. I wish they would all disappear. But then... I'd be a vegetable. What confuses me the most? probably myself. Sigh.

2 Posts in One Day?

Speaking of money. One thing that's cool, being able to pay for things. Not just pay cause do that makes sense. But I mean support things that before I couldn't reasonably do. For example, buying something from a company that has a more eco-friendly twist. Why wouldn't I before? Price. Or my next pair of dress shoes and possibly boots (if I get them) will be from America, not that this will happen for a year at the earliest more than likely. Why? Cause it feels nice to know that they are made here in the States. Not somewhere else, possibly exploiting people, shipped overseas wasting energy, then in my hands. But who's to say workers here aren't exploited as well? Depending on your stance, living wage inclines you to say that people are not paid enough and exploited here in the states.

Does this mean that I will always do this? I'm sorry to say no. Sometimes... price can't be beat. But if it's a company that I know has some bad things then I will try to stray away. If you know the dirt, please let me know! And local is good guys. Returned from dropping stuff off at the tailor. I have to go back cause... I was too indecisive there and realized I want my jacket sleeves shorter after I left, but tis all good. But it feels nice to know that my money will be going straight to those people there. Cool. Not some huge corporation where the money flows who knows where there's like an overpaid CEO (not that they don't work hard, but do you really need that much money??), but to that specific family. Although it's more expensive that I would like... curse you shorter legs and shorter arms than avg.

You know what would be cool? If I could make my own clothes. Why would it be cool? I dunno, I would just feel super old school and legit. Haha. I'm weird.

Drifting

People drift in and out of people's lives. So general, and we all know it. But sometimes, it's sad to think about it. Cue emo post that has been deleted at least I wrote it back when I was watching snow fall. So peaceful.

Small perk of my job. Got a Sam's Club member ship for 18.75 ish due to the company helping pay. Split it with another person so now it's half. Aww ya. And it says business member, feeling professional.

Hey You, Don't Treat My Wife Like That
That's how you do it.

Don't wear one on your chest if you don't carry it on your back. (referring to Christ)
-Andy Mineo

We Are Far Too Easily Displeased
Ouch

Spiritual gifts and spiritual fruits are not the same.
-Keller
This one hit. It's part of another sermon I listened by him over the course of a couple days. Just a minor distinction that we overlook. If I someone gifted, it's like dang so holy. But he or she is just gifted. Their devotion to God, their manifestation of the Holy Spirit are completely different things. Oh Keller, you might be the new DA Carson for me haha.

Let's bring some coherence back to this post tho. Lots of things fly through my mind these days. Some last days some last minutes. But all in all, things aren't terrible these days. Money comes and goes, in terms of successfully saving. Costs arise. Then back to saving. This odd cycle. For example, last month I had to pay for my car issues. This month it's paying for the classes I'll be taking next semester. Then next month will probably be car issues again. I'm suspicious of a couple things but afraid to take it in and hear hello sir your repairs are an estimated $800 again. Well screw you! Haha jk. Safety is important, but just makes me sad when it flows like that, but better than being like Mom I need money cause I can't cover this. Regardless, money is weird. Being involved in ministry full-time relying on donations, crazy. You have to fund-raise so much just to break even not including saving for a family (if you have one) or paying for school (if you're in one), etc. But regardless if things go well, next year I will receiving around 1.5 grand back just by reimbursement for classes (if I get an A) and random security deposits that will be returned. The question is what do I do with it? I've been reading a lot on investing lately. Because I'm capable? Nah, I don't care enough nor am I motivated enough. But would I be willing to give it to an investor? Maybe. Do I have enough to make a huge difference? Nope, not at all. Just interesting new avenues of life to explore I guess.

But in the end it's all foolishness. In the end this all will fade. So in reality I'd rather die young than old. By young I think 60-70 would be nice, but if I die tomorrow that'd be cool too I guess (not really, cause there's so much coolness in the world left to explore, so much sadness left in the world to pray and empathize for, so much pain that I would like to document and swim in to ideally help others, and so many frowns that I would hope to turn upside down). Reality, I won't do any of that or at least not in the ways I want. I saw people take pictures of homeless in a studio to help reinforce their inherent value as people rather than our label of homeless. I saw people take pictures of cancer patients dressed up to make them smile and laugh apart from their terminal illness. That's what I wish I could do. Make someone smile. Point them in the right direction of Christ.

But alas, I sit at a desk job staring at numbers and text. At least, I'm slowly getting closer to my co-workers. I just need to chillax a lot and try to talk to them more, regardless of all the stupid petty fights and grumblings, I see in the office. Guys and gals, corporate has some really stupid stuff going on in it. Just people that need to shut up and grow up, or learn to let go. Haha. Not that I'm saying I'm better, but all means I need to shut up more. I need to grow up more. I need to "a lot of things" more. Yet, that's what makes life interesting.

That and landing jumps while snowboarding. Heck ya. My goal is to master at least a 180 this winter,to be able to go down comfortably with either foot forward, and just get better. Who knows maybe I'll get a trick snowboard one day (yes there are different ones that lend themselves to different things, does it make a big difference? actually, yes it does). But I probably won't. Better ways to use that money, like on a friend or someone in need or an organization that's doing something amazing.

A Female's Most Powerful Weapon

Tears.

I'm driving a lot this month. To RVA or NOVA or both pretty much every weekend this month. Just now... as I was getting my cousin ready for bed she started crying. Not in the fake way that a lot of kids cry, but very genuine tears. Not the loud kind either, the silent tears of a child trying to desperately not cry, but unable to hold it in. Knowing she shouldn't cry, but slowly they streamed down one by one. She wanted her parents. She's 3 you know, so you can't really reason with her, but as she started crying, part of me broke/resonated. Haha.

Memories of doing the same mixed with feelings of just wanting to help her know she's loved and that they are coming back soon enough. I can still remember when I was a kid, and I was in day care or basically night time care because it was before my mother stopped working night shift. I remember missing her, and being super sad because I was sleeping and she wasn't there.

All I could do for my cousin was to sound out those words of they are coming. And pathetically I tried to distract her by saying aww look at your stuffed animals. What are their names? And I listed off name, after name, and she denied each one. She had initially shaken her head at them having names, and then finally I said one she liked Ariel (yes like the Little Mermaid, we had just watched it together). But as soon as I started to feel accomplished, she told me they had names and listed them off. Tight girl. Made me work for nothing. Haha.

And then she made me stay in her room until she fell asleep, doing random tasks for her, and finally just making me stand there until she fell asleep.

Why this story? Cause it's something I want to remember and treasure. This spoiled kid (cause she is) shed tears. All stuck up pretenses aside, she was genuinely sad and crying out. Universal, I think. We might downplay it cause let's be real some tears are more "acceptable" than others. Mom dying vs mom coming late, etc. But that pain, that pit of hut is the same.

I was reminded of my helplessness as all I really did for her was just sit there and stand there. I was reminded of pain and how even if I'm older, I still cry (sometimes). I was reminded of love because all I wanted her to know was she's loved and treasured.

But yes, if a female cries, gg. You kick a man's balls, but those tears man reach deep. Lolz. And as I'm sitting her typing this, I hear her snore. Haha. Oh humanity, so odd.

Randomness crammed in one post

My Teen Romantic Comedy SNAFU
This guy... is me. Not quite me, but a me that I often times wish I could be. Legit/sad, and yet it presents it in a comedic fashion. His thought process is easily understood and sympathized with yet hated by some. Well done.

I'm also working 8-5 now. Praise the Lord. It's a million times better than 10-7. Like wow... so much better. Downside? Waking up before sun completely rises. Upside? Out by 5, none of that fake lucky number 7 crap.

My biological father emailed me, stating my cousins want to see me. No mention of his feelings. Haha... does it matter? Well, yes. Stupid pride. But I guess yes, at some point I will see him and them again. Probably sometime early next year, in January?

On a side note, I have decided to get off my lazy donkey (cue immature laughter) and start volunteering. I will try to volunteer on Saturdays for Habitat for Humanity at least once a month starting in January. Why January and not now? Cause I have to go babysit pretty much every weekend this month. Why Habitat? Cause I want to learn more house things, aka useful life skills.

I also am thinking of volunteering for CALM. I can't tutor due to the timing, but I can at least do data entry stuff, which while boring shouldn't be bad at all, and it is necessary.

Woot, best way to meet people? Volunteer. Why? Cause you meet nice people. Play frisbee! You meet not the nicest persay or the most moral, but certainly honest people. Very true to themselves, and for the most part chill. Want to meet internationals? Play soccer. But don't suck, they tend to be competitive. I can't speak for anything else.

Finally,
http://grooveshark.com/s/Just+Listen+feat+Skull/58insu?src=5
Haha what's funnier than a Korean rapping with a Reggae accent? Not much. Skip to 1:40 to join me in laughing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1oM3kQpXRo
Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran
The heck? So cute... sometimes cheesy songs like this are just heart warming.

And on that musical note I heard this on the radio a couple days ago. "Too school for cool." I literally screamed the heck in my car and immediately was disappointed in the state of modern music. Seriously, one of the dumbest lines I've heard recently.

The Struggle for Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5tUyGSJL7o

Dang... I've heard people quote from him before prob from this sermon or similar ones. But ya... truth.

The City

I like being around such hustle and bustle.

I hate the air pollution there. Disgusting. Bad to the point where my nose was all clogged. Call me sensitive, but I feel like my lungs took a hit there. If only it had better air... I'd be willing to live in New York City for a bit cause it's so fascinating. Also got to use my step-dad's 24-70mm L lens... wahhh. Not as cool as I thought to be honest. But having a wide angle option is so nice as opposed to only my 50mm.

But it was fun in NYC. ZG and MC reunion, just missing IK. One day we'll have a whole one. But it made me realize, I miss those times. I also met up with SC and PS in NOVA for a little bit, and it was nostalgic. There is a dude named NP or HP, dumb guy haha. Made plans with me and bailed. Forgiven, but sigh true NP fashion. I digress though, I miss that community. And it's over.

Also spent time with my family this Thanksgiving. I... love my family. I hate myself. I think the world is messed up. And yet my family is like a mini sanctuary. I just feel somewhat awkward at first but in the end so at peace. They smile at me, they hug me, they talk to me. Don't other people do that? Well to some extent yes, but not like a family. Do blood ties really matter? Nah. Case in point my "father" or my cousin who's adopted. And yet it's so powerful.

I also saw a beautiful sunset today. It looked like a layer painting slightly aflame or something.

But I heard something somewhat profound yesterday from a friend. Something along the lines of all depression begin with a lie told to oneself. BAM! Alright sounds very mean, but it makes sense if you think about it.

What is the root of my depressive thoughts? It begins with a lie. A lie of my self-worth. A lie that to be honest I struggle with. One of my friends told me you're not a net negative. Haha. But I really think I am. Okay a couple people say thank you or this time what you said was good. Nice! Not sarcastically, but praise be to God. Now let me die before I muck up everything else. This ugly yet beautiful world (an anime title). And yet I add to the ugliness more often than not. It's weird though, I'm forcing myself to write this now, and yet all my thoughts elude me. So eloquent before, I'm sure as soon as I stop writing this and just think it will flow again, but at that point I'll be too lazy to write. Lolz. Maybe the secret is to care less. Be less hard on yourself. Trust in God more. Love. Buttt... more often that not, it's love, but remember you mess things up so don't let attachments build up. Trust in God, but remember your ability to sin is incredible. Hope, but don't be unrealistic with your hope. Dream, but don't go too far cause you're going to get hurt. And yet with all this effed up thought process I still want to serve. I still want to meet people and get to know them. And what, keep myself aloof? I hate people that do that. But then am I able to open up and get beaten down over and over again? Who knows, maybe by doing it to myself so much, I'll learn from it and in the future it's like ha world. I already have experienced this and I know God's got my back.

On another note feels like a Sunday, but yay for another day off cause it's Saturday. And I'm supposed to take engagement photos tomorrow but having issues getting in touch so who knows.

EDIT
By no means is my root description above comprehensive or anything. I'm sure I could explain it better if I wanted to. But I don't feel like it. Sorry. And I'm so domesticated! I sewed a hole in my pajamas today. Woot.

Kindness

Randomly... I receive kindness that is unwarranted. And by randomly, I really mean all the time, but I only recognize it randomly.

Servants was good this past weekend. Somewhat lonely. By somewhat, very. My peers were not there. No older brothers were there. Just younger people. And a lot of the 3rd and 4th years didn't go. But I think that was good. Prayer time was largely spent in reflection. Talking short walks in the freezing cold and more reflection.

I liked both speakers, and I've heard both before. The somewhat nerdy older Pastor Steve. And the more urban Pastor B.

Perhaps though the thing that stuck out a lot was part of Pastor B's sermon. Often times we tell ourselves, know me a little and you'll like me. Know me a lot and you'll hate me. (Honestly a small part of the sermon, but it hits hard.)

This is flawed. Of course. Yet... it's how I lived for as long as I can remember, and even though I tell myself it's wrong, it's different when you hear a man proclaiming from a pulpit that other people feel that way and how foolish it is. That "know me a little" is somewhat vague cause something I can be blatantly open about that others shy away from so people interpret that as being really open, but for me that's only knowing me a little. Because... if you know me a lot, you'll hate me. You'll stop wanting to be friends with me. You'll stop talking to me. Why? Cause you see me for all my faults and flaws. And most people don't want to deal with that. They meet you, and they build a notion of you. And some people are better at letting you deviate from that. But over time, they see more faults. They see more issues. And it's over. It's done. Is it better to cut one's losses early or later after all the pain you go through or make them go through?

Once you deviate, once you fall, you hear those words. This isn't really you. This isn't the person I knew. This shouldn't have happened to you. All these false, ridiculous, stupid, pretentious things people say to wrap their minds around how you have deviated from who they think you are. But in the end you're still you. But to them,  you changed.

But who cares what they think? Right who cares? Me. I do. Mentally, I record it all. And some over time get buried deep under other things, but they are still there. For what purpose? Why to remind myself later on why... you're dangerous. Why you don't belong around people. Why everyone only needs to know you a little. And peace is kept. People are happy because you fulfill what they want to see.

Of course the one person that destroys all of this, Jesus. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Absolutely beautiful. Kindness exemplified. Love personified. Truth proclaimed. And the depths of our sin, revealed. For what? His glory. And as selfish as that may sound to people, it's beautiful. Cause a holy one pursuing after bringing glory to Himself means He will not cater to our foolishness, but work to make Himself known all the more.

Like I said a small part of that sermon, but memorable. We do not offer perfect repentance. But Jesus is the one that makes repentance possible. Praise be to God.

And am I guilty of being on both sides of what I said above? Yes. Yes I am.

Memorable song from Servants.
Wide as the Sky- Matt Redman

And random, but my new favorite word, bittersweet.

Cars

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.
Stephen R Covey
Guilty of doing this. All the time? No. But guilty? Yes.

http://foodgawker.com/?s=cast+iron
Beauty. I have a cast iron grill skillet that I've been using more. And now I want a regular skillet for these kind of recipes.

A couple months ago I spent a couple hundred on my car. Today I'm spending almost 900. Aka over a grand in the past couple months. Aka I could have bought a beautiful lens for my film camera, my first leica lens in all it's engineering beauty. Or I could have used that money towards a laptop that I will have to buy within a year because mine is slowly dying. And yes... I want an apple. Or it could be used towards a phone that I will probably get next year as well. Aka the money that I saved up as a buffer has served it's purpose. As a buffer. Rather than be used for my dream of travel, it has/will be used so that I can work. So that I can get around and live. Sigh.

Cars. I hate you. Yet I need you. Makes me want a motorcycle. Cheaper than a car. More fuel efficient than a car. Higher insurance and inclement weather prevent me from committing to it. But makes it more tempting going through this.

But ultimately what does this all mean? It means more frugal living. Babysitting my cousin for my aunt whenever I can cause she still likes to spoil me and will pay me haha (which I haven't done in case you are giving me that weird look, but I'll be driving up to nova twice in December to help her out). Selling a couple things that I have that are worth money. Aka headphones, and some of my film camera stuff. Let me know if you're interested! I currently have 3 film cameras. 2 of them I plan on selling along with their lens in the near future. I will be keeping 1 of them. Why? Don't need film slr's/can't justify the price especially when I have a dslr. However keeping a film rangefinder is more than acceptable in my book haha.

Ahhh money.

Money can be so annoying. I want to save a certain amount. And yet bills add up my friends. My parents gave me a grace period of not paying for phone or car insurance cause we are sharing. But now that is over. Thankfully, car insurance is a lump sum for 6 months, which is annoying cause it's a lot. But nice cause it's something I only have to worry ever so often. But phone bill... Plus, I'm still covered by my family's health insurance still. Until I'm 24 or something, and then I have to take care of it. Oh these bills.

So then, how do people in full-time ministry survive? It's crazy if you really think about it. If you're not working or in that position, you won't appreciate it. No offense, you've just never had to deal with it. And part-time jobs give you a solid glimpse of it, but certainly not the same as paying for everything... There's being frugal, and then dealing with the reality of money. Unless you were in charge of your families expenses and bills, then I take all of that back. Granted knowing that my roommates will be reimbursing for money every month is somewhat unsettling cause I'm overpaying by quite a bit.

Yes I combined two posts into one in case you think there's a lack of coherence. No, I don't feel like rewriting them both to flow better. But yes, my car repairs are today 11/7/2013.

EDIT
There are kind people in this world. The guy in charge of my car managed to get my bill down to 840 compared to the roughly 900 it was at. Thank God.

Soccer

Don't be alone with your thoughts. Be with God there.
IK

A good quote haha. My friend told me a couple days ago to write a happy blog. Are there good things going on? Of course. Lots of little blessings. I just couldn't. So this is my apology.

I just hope I'm growing.

Today is another reminder that I need to chill on sports. There was a guy that wouldn't stop talking smack. Made a racial comment. Kept fouling my friends and teammates during the game. And... he wasn't that good. My highlight of the game? Well for me personally, it was stopping him from shooting and knocking him down. Perfectly clean, mind you. He kicked the ball and I blocked, and then fell over due to loss of balance. I did not even make contact with him for him to complain it was a foul. I shouldn't even really be playing soccer with undergrads... I graduated. What am I doing? Ugh. But... on the bright side I'm getting to know a lot of first year guys. I should just coach or something... maybe next game I'll stay out a lot unless they need me.

But why was I satisfied with him down? Cause I'm petty. I'm prideful. And I hate stuck-up people like that.  But ultimately cause I couldn't control my anger. But who am I to judge that guy's actions? I can't. And it took a little bit, but I felt remorse for my foolishness. So unreasonable. So wrong. So dumb. So sinful.

So sinful...

On a brighter note, I developed a bunch of rolls of film and was satisfied with several pics. And I got my cast iron back and cooked with it. Love. I've decided to re-knew a desire for cooking and actually improve. I've also rekindled a desire for photography that started to abate. I guess that's a happy bit. Cooking, and photos. And reading. Reading is good too.

Another good note, I think I might have decided on a church. Most likely Trinity. Why? Why not the CC or CCC or City? I don't have a good reason. I don't have a personal reason. One thing that stands out about Trinity though is I went there for my Japanese class. Say what? Went to a church for a class whose country is arguably one of the most secular currently? Ya. To talk to Japanese wives who's husbands are in town lol, aka to practice. But that means there are at least some Japanese people there. Big bonus for me. And old school. who doesn't like old school in the sea of striving to be modern (or adapting, whatever you want to call it. I'm not against it completely mind you. I just appreciate oldness a little more now because of it.).

And, I did get better at soccer compared to before :)

God, teach me. God, keep me humble. God, help me act as you would have me act.

Filmmmm

Watch Me
A cute short.

You're not what you think are, but what you think... you are. (As in Biblically what you think you are.)

Truth. It's been a while since I last posted. Life is busy, yet not busy.

By next year I will hopefully have completely transitioned into a job position more like what I'm interested in. Work is helping to train me and get me there. Will I still be stuck in C'ville? Looks like it. But who knows, maybe I'll move to another state and work from a different office, why? Because I can. But it'd be nice to see the current 3rd years graduate. It'd make me happy. So that's the past several weeks condensed. Work, changing weather, downtime. Seeing people. Driving around. Exercise. Sick.

When I put it like that, it's easy to gloss over all the good and bad times.

I realized that I'm one of those people who's mood changes based on the weather. Go figure right? Aka, I'm not as happy when it's not sunny. Yet rain is good for many things. Clouds are good for many things. But my mood still sours slightly, if it goes on too long. Hopefully this will change. So am I one of those people who love the cold, but the winter months might not be helpful for my mood? Quite possibly... oh the dilemmas of life. The drama... haha.

I'm not what I think I am, what I think... I am.

1 John 3:1
I am a child of God. My childhood sort of sucked. No lie. Not a pity party, but it did. But God, has redeemed it. In His grace, He let me see more of how a family should operate. And I give thanks my brother can grow in that.

I really suck. Haven't seen God redeem as much as I would hope... haha. But bits and pieces He has. And frankly, I prob won't see all of it. But that's okay. Days that suck come and go, even if they seem to last forever. But joy always comes back. God let's me see Him again. The sun comes back if you will. And I'm reminded that as much as I hate who I am/what I've done, I look to a future that has not yet occurred. I remain hopeful, and I continue to try to change through His grace.

On a completely unrelated note, I didn't wind a roll of film correctly. Aka I wasted over 24 snapshots that I found meaning in. Aka I wasted a roll of film that I'd never tried before, and that I really wanted to try. Aka sucks. All in all, sadness.

Even anime can be deep

What to do with the future is more important than a past you can't change.

Yessiree. This is from an anime show. Is the show deep or good? Nah, it's pretty dumb. Started super angsty and post-apocalyptic which was cool, and then devolved into this stupid comedic love affair drama-esque think.

But deep, cause it's so true. And I'm so guilty of obsessing over a past where I get trapped.

So I bought a tank on this past Monday or Tuesday. Why? Cause I couldn't justify driving home to get a shirt so that I could get a shot cause I was wearing a button up with no undershirt, and didn't want to stand there shirtless for my flu shot. Reality check. I've found several holes in shirts. And I have 3 pairs of jeans. One has a small hole right in the crotch area, and it's only getting bigger. Not to be vulgar or anything mind you. And it's in a position where I don't think you can really see it if I'm walking around, but regardless.

This whole no buying clothes thing might end up falling apart towards the end of the year. Maybe I'll wear the holes in my shirts with pride as a true hipster. Dunno. I mean I already failed by buying a tank. Meh. Oh... I forgot that I got a pair of shoes too... whoops. Then again I can get by without buying any clothes so maybe I'll continue to hold to it as best as I can. Gives me something to focus on while I live my life.

Today, I'm mixing up my music. Been listening too much rap lately. So amazingly good... but lots of curse words and I can feel it infecting my thought process. So today I went the opposite and listened to the soundtrack of 궁S. Lol. Lots of good instrumentals. Made me want to watch some cheesy dumb drama that's cute... Last time I did that was I think first year of college? Sigh... so old.

The past couple days have been full of deep thoughts. Or I think they are deep, but are they really? Probably not. Some are stupidly depressive thoughts, and some are more legitimate. But this super cheery music and beautiful weather is always good for being uplifted and looking at things with a healthier frame of thought.

The burden of trying to make your life right is too great. The burden of trying to make yourself right with God is too great. Jesus says, “Come, I’ll give you rest,” and “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
Grudem

Dang. Humbling.

Got a flu shot a couple days ago. She pulled the needle out and I bled, like more than normal... and her reaction was oh look at that your bleeding... the heck? And first time I saw my arm right after the shot and it was like there was a mini cone there with the tip from where the needle left my arm. Ugh.

The news is so depressing these days... humbling, but depressing. But I would rather know than not know. Shootings, earthquakes, hold ups, disregard for those lesser, trolls on the internet making dumb comments on depressing topics. They bring a whole new level to the term troll. There's funny troll and straight up are you even human/do you have feelings troll?

But life goes on. God is good. Pictures are fun. Running is enjoyable again. Taking each step is like a small victory of progress that I rejoice in.

Life has reached a form of regularity again. Sorta boring, but tis all good. On the plus side, I ordered my camera bag. So excited...  And I've begun to regain fat which makes me sad. Regaining weight is fine... fat not so much. Yet, I can run farther with less problems, and lift more etc. Weird.

Frisbee

We do not complain of what God does not give us; we rather thank God for what He does give us daily.
Bonhoeffer

There's an organic consistency between what comes out of my heart and what comes out of my mouth. The struggle of words is a struggle of kingdoms. A war between the kingdom of self and the kingdom of God.
Paul Tripp

You know what makes me sad? The navy yard shooting is indeed a tragedy. But it is also normal for many different people in this world. That kind of constant fear... is normal for them. Crazy... Flags at half staff, shouldn't we in reality just always do that then? Or does the fact that it involved American citizens make all the difference? Our people. Our people? Who are our people?

Yesterday at sys theo we laughed as we described Mormon theology. In one sense, yes it's laughable. But they sincerely believe it, and if you think about it we just look like total a**holes laughing at them. Do we love them and our heart breaks for them, or do we get haughty and laugh at them? Do we laugh at cults or do we learn from them and reach out to them? Let's be real, Mormons know what's up when it comes to sincerely following their religion, far better than us Christians. But then that's legalism right? Haha... oh sin, you so clever. Or maybe it's just the my mind that loves to play circles with me.

On a completely different note. I'm questioning my sanity. I'm spending $120 to get a pass to the afc for four months. Price wise, that's fine with me. But the main motivation is... so I can play IM frisbee. I have defected to another team that used to be our rival in GCF, well at least back when we still had CW, AK, JO, DP, TP, and company. Last year, GCF got wrecked by them, but no worries. I'm getting so hyped up for an IM frisbee game... sigh. I need to get better so I can play on a higher level, but that gap between where I'm at now and to get to a point where I could legitimately play on a team is huge... pretty much impossibly huge. Main issue is physical limitations, I could get so much better but in the end... I'm short. Oh well, at least I can still pickup and random leagues.

Do I have answers for my recent of depressive thoughts? Do I need an answer? I want one. I have inklings. But as someone reminded me last night, do the answers really matter? In one sense know, cause Christ is everything. When we say He is enough, when we say be my everything, that's the inherent quality. So yes I will continue to flesh out my thoughts, my reactions, etc. but all the while striving to stay at peace. And even if I lose peace, to at least continue to praise.

What I miss most is community. But hopefully... within the next month I will have finally found the church that I will commit to. Praise be to God.

Speaking of crazy... at some point I was thinking of spending basically 6-7 thousand dollars on a camera body. I thought about how I would save up, and buy it eventually, and finally I woke up. I can do that. I totally could, but it's stupid. I'm not rich enough and as much as I love taking pictures, what I can do with that much money is ridiculous. Sigh. Goodbye another dream of mine. That stupid cult, elitist side of me, that beautiful craftsmanship and engineering mastery and dedication to detail, goodbye. Haha... I mean I could always get the cheaper film body, but film is dying slowly. I'm riding the curtail of it. Plus, their lenses are so expensive... gg. If I was rich heck ya. But... I'm not, nor do I intend to ever be. But the things I have I like and enjoy, so it's all good.

But isn't that life? Finding dreams, goals, and then fulfilling some and retiring so many others. So many... oh reality, you aren't always fun you know?

At least I can find joy in frisbee. Can't play on a legit team, but I can still play and have fun, and that's enough. Am I settling on things? Meh, I find peace, satisfaction, and joy in these things, so who cares right? And yes... I wrote this at work. Slow days give me time to do things like this haha.

What the heck did I just dream?

I can't remember if I have ever woken up with tears forming on my eyes. Honestly, if I dream, normally it's cause I woke up and fell back asleep. But that didn't happen this time.

I dreamed that I was taking a test, one of my co-workers was my teacher. It was a religions class I think. Basically... I was going to fail the test, and was running out of time. Super stressed you know? But a couple things stood out. I almost started a fight, which I don't really do in life. I snapped at a classmate lol. Which I have done. But I also broke down in front of my teacher. And the weird thing is that I was like I'm working now at SNL but I'm taking this class for fun. I should have studied more... blah blah blah typical stupid student excuses. Lol. I was like watching from afar/inside me in the dream, and I laughed as I said these things in a cynical way. And then real stuff started to come out... frustrations over my dad was the gateway, and then I woke up.

Cause while I was telling the teacher, I started crying uncontrollably. Do I put a lot of value in dreams? No. But this one is different than the ones I've had for a long time.

Made me wonder, how many tears have I suppressed? How many times have I wanted to cry but refused to let myself? How much pain have I really hidden deep within me and walled off through so called logic or just sheer force of will? Scary stuff man... But then again I'm sure people have woken up crying before. So maybe it's just a bad dream, and not a sheer misunderstanding of my state of being.

To clarify, I think I'm still hurt about my dad, but no longer bitter. But even pain will fade, not through time, stupid saying, but through God and friends and community.

I went to a church this past weekend. Christ Community Church, and I fell in love in a different way then I have at other churches. If I wasn't with one of my roommates, and if I wasn't visible I would have cried so much. Haha. Something about that place rocked my core. Started out with a little girl opening us with a worship song. Sorta old school songs, but a well developed praise team. Clean, not showy. Sincere, but not fake. And beautiful. I saw a woman get down on her knees on prayer. The congregation is split between older and super young. And you would see older people that couldn't stand anymore but would lift their hands in praise as they sat. As I was walking in a couple welcomed my friend and I in the parking lot. During service, an elderly guy came and tried to talk to us. Not just small talk, but you could feel the genuineness in his heart. The sermon was not the greatest by comparison, but the emphasis on sharing the Gospel was refreshing. Closing was nice. As we left, the elderly guy ran out to catch us and told us to come back.

But the entire time... I felt tears on the corner of my eyes. The genuine love you could see in these people's eyes as they said hi. As they were so friendly with everyone. As they praised. So many things... I could only think God, this is what you want in our church isn't it? This emphasis that church is not everything, but when we go out to share, that's the point. That church is a loving community regardless of who you are and what you have done, titles of service, mistakes, none of that matters compared to Jesus. And guys, I dunno if I would have the same experience if I went back, but I'm just so glad that for one day I could experience something like that. I've never... experienced anything quite like that. Thanks for the reminder God. Also this church was ethnically more diverse than several churches I've seen, not in that hip cool way of young people hanging out but in a more older, content way if that makes sense.

I wonder if one day, all the tears I've held back will burst forth? Who knows man. I don't think that's how it works. But maybe? I feel bad for whomever I end up showing that too, well if it happens. I don't think it will to be honest. Have a great Saturday everyone! I just needed a record of my dream that won't fade and easy to find.

Waiting On The Lord But Not Traffic Lights

I want a mustache and beard. Not that wispy asian jank. But that real mountain man-esque one. But I'd keep it tame so it looks classy. But reality check. I'm asian. When I grow it out it's patchy and ugly. Aka no luck.

Wrote another emo post... and deleted it. Why? I don't need it. I don't want those thoughts. I don't want to be trapped in that endless cycle that ultimately only leads to satisfaction in death and being forgotten. But then this post is sorta emo, but ends hopeful.

Music is one of my lifelines. It gives me energy at work to get through a slow day. It can evoke deep thoughts. Stupid thoughts. It can make me laugh. It can break me and make me cry. But ultimately... it helps me come out. Those lyrics, that flow, all of it slowly drags me. And I crawl out... so very afraid. So... very afraid.

I never act like this... but inside of me is a pit of fear. So much fear... it's intoxicating. It consumes me. I've lived in it for so long, I think it's home. No I don't think... it is my home. You've been there I bet. If you haven't... then God forbid you enter it. Don't if you are given the chance. Fight, pray, anything. Cause it's my home. And you aren't welcome. Lolz.

The reality is... I'm a little kid learning to crawl. Learning what it means to be a child of God. And every step away from that pit leads me to so much uncertainty. I've acted like I know, that I've gotten it together for so long it became second nature. But finally those acts are stripped away, and I'm left with nothing but me and God. I start to look up and then I run away. As fast as I can. I run. I run. I run......... do you have any idea how scary it is to think that He's always there watching? Always there caring? Just stop. Just stop. Forget me. Let me be. Give me punishment. Give me pain. Give me..... Hell. God, go away. But You don't. And it's so beauitful and so scary. So loving, but so much love that it hurts.

I miss being able to smile so freely and laugh so freely... I miss days when I was less aware. I was more ignorant of these facts of myself.

No... I have changed. The more I learn about God the more scared I am. But still I will continue. Not out of futility but because of a hope that will never fail. As I rip apart myself, You put me back together. And I will cling to you God. I will cling. Not as a child that runs, but no I will cling as a child so desperate to leave the Hell I created for myself. I will cling cause I need life, and You freely give it. I will cling because you first extended a hand to me so that I could come to faith. Without it... I would be dead. My smiles and laughter might have changed but they still are smiles and laughter.

4 songs are my goto for the past couple days. Otherside by Macklemore. Neon Cathedral by Macklemore. Starting Over by Macklemore. Though You Slay Me by Shane & Shane. The brutal realities of life closed by the beautiful overwhelming power of Christ.

God is good even when I am not. God is loving even when I am not. God is... God? haha. Night world.

Actually random thing. You know your legs are short when you put on pajamas that you got as a gift and they are like 2 inches too long... sigh.

The greats were great cause at birth they could paint. The greats were great cause they paint a lot.
Macklemore

Haha... so by that, if I take a lot of photos, I could become great? Sike... taking a lot of bad photos does not make you good.

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.
Random quote

This is the test of true meditation and true Christian community. Has the fellowship served to make the individual free, strong, and mature, or has it made him weak and dependent?
Bonhoeffer

If I had to study a Christian's life for a paper or something, it'd be this guy. After I finish this short book by him, I'll finish the one I started and paused by him. And I also have a collection of his sermons that I will read. Slowly over time, but man that guy has got a view that I wish I had. A vision that I wish I saw so clearly, and a heart that I fear will never exist.

Why all these random quotes lately? Honestly, it's just better record keeping on my part. Normally, I want to include them, but I haven't been.

War of Words: Getting to the Heart for God's Sake
Listen to this sermon. It's long. But please do. Like really... listen to it. Make time. Listen to it in parts. I don't care. Listen to it. If you listen to it... we'll be better friends. I dunno, just listen to it.

You know... there are older people that I spent so long trying to look up to when I was an undergrad. Most of them... have stopped talking to me. Am I sad? Yes. Bitter? Honestly... at times. Should I be? No. But, I understand where they are coming from. I just never could admit to myself how hurt I was at times. But the reality is... I was/am. Haha. And even better, it's okay. It really is. Thanks be to God. Moving on from stupid trivial things like that are better. Did I let myself get crippled by fellowship or did I grow stronger in it? In many ways... I was crippled. But now, I learn to stand through God's grace.

There are more things that I'm learning everyday... as much as I fall underneath thoughts that rip me apart, I find God reaching through and helping me to see Him in His glory. That's all I can cling to.

Also, don't buy cheap floss. It sucks so much. Spend the extra dollar and get better floss. Sometimes cheap is not good. This is one of those things.

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell.
C.S. Lewis

http://michaelkelleyministries.com/2013/08/the-myth-of-passion/

Good stuff.

Sometimes.. you just want to say eff it all. That thought comes and goes for me.

In that instant of destroying something you feel pain and remorse, and it screams I am alive. And you feel joy as you left a mark also screaming... I am alive. I exist.

Because no matter how hard I try what it comes down to is... my existence is a mistake. Pride coming out there. Blaspheming against God. I feel trapped... and all I want is to disapear.

http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/08/faith-is-war.html

Sometimes you just get tired of fighting.

Today is 9/11 so many never forget signs suddenly appear. Honestly... I only feel disappointed. Yes, on this one day you remember. And then you go about it with it not on your mind. Some remember of course. Some care. Some reflect often. But not nearly as many as the signs would you make you think. But then again, maybe I'm just being pretentious. Judging. At least today they do care. Isn't that better than nothing? That breath of fresh air as opposed to that stench of complacency? I guess... I'm just too cynical.

one of my aunt's from a side of the family I don't interract with got divorced within the past couple years. My heart breaks for her. Especially when she posts about how her ex is failing her children. But she has hope, and she has support from her family and another guy has been helping a lot (potential here? probs). But it makes me sad. Effing people that won't effing deal with their stupidity. But then... that's me. I see the shadows on my personality, I see my actions. And I'm no different. But anger and frustration is always easier than looking inwards and analyzing our own faults and failures.

But whatevs man. Have to fight. Have to faith. Gotta press on. I think staring at computer screen so much is starting to annoy me or at least have an effect on me. Who knows...

And who am I kidding... still in that mode of hating myself. At least, I'm not cursing right? Haha. I stopped believing in myself a long time ago. I don't think I ever will.

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/a-song-for-the-suffering-with-john-piper

And then I'm in tears. As I listen to the song above, and freeze and say God... I am here. Don't forget me. God, I'm so sorry... God... I love you. I need you.

Successfully sold one of my old cameras. Yay. Now I have to sell one more. As well as some old headphones. And an old gift card that I haven't used, and prob won't use due to my no clothes agreement. But I might break it to buy a jacket.

Ya... flip in personality. Still drained, but happier. Praise be to God. And I ran out of floss... well I started flossing and now I need more so to CVS I go tomorrow.

Toilet.

"I didn't know that question still dominated my heart. But I was working so hard to be a submissive wife, to be a good mom, to be a good Christian. I thought I understood grace, but I was still desperately trying to be good enough. God graciously used a miscarriage to level me. He confronted my scars head-on and then he lifted my eyes once again to see his Son—his very Son whose nail-scarred hands paid for my sin in full."

Put the above quote as anyone serving... humbling.

Good and Angry- Paul Tripp
Legit.

When to Stay and When to Run- Kevin DeYoung

The person who comes into a fellowship because he is running away from himself is misusing it for the sake of diversion, no matter how spiritual this diversion may appear.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I haven't blogged for a while. Hello again. How are you? Life... is progressing. Nice things here and there. Not so nice things here and there. Lots of info flowing around in my head, but ultimately... ultimately what? I don't know. Well I do, ultimately God. Let's end it here right?

Syria used chemical weapons. Syria used chemical weapons. Dang... the world watches. USA votes for action. People are against it. Conflict of interest, conflict of facts. People are playing stupid games with people's lives for the sake of politics. What the heck? It drives me up the wall. I'm sad and then I'm furious. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST STOP FOR ONE SECOND AND LET GO OF THEIR STUPID PRIDE AND JUST... stop. Why can't the developed nations just stop for a one second... and cry. Why can't we extend a hand? Samsung released a new smartwatch ooo... etc. etc.  Why do we spend so much time on things that aren't as important? And I'm guilty of this too. Something cool comes up, and I lose sight. And inside I cry. I cry at my lack of empathy. I cry at my lack of love. I cry... because I feel so helpless. And then... I move on. What am I, but human? Sigh...

Rome and Juliet, as stupid as the premise is sometimes I wonder how different am I? How many times have I longed for suicide, for death over what others might consider trivial? How many more times must it continue? But then for them and for me, it wasn't trivial. It was/is important. Thoughts swirl through my mind ultimately cause... I'm exhausted.

I went to LG and then to WahooRU. And it was nice. It was fun. But seeing that many people drained me. Exhausted me to the core. And left me sad. That place isn't my home anymore. They say you're welcome, but my niche is gone. My role is over. Now I drift in and out... and that's it? That's it. But then this is my choice. This was my decision, live with it right? My mindset is just weird.

Thoughts twirl in and out, like a toilet that doesn't stop it just swirls and swirls and swirls.

I'm getting a work laptop yay. Feels more professional now. Really that necessary? No. But it feels cooler.

Questions that flow in my head about things going on in my life.

And then full circle, humanity. Why? Back and forth. Back and forth. Am I smart? No... I'm dumb. I've done dumb things. I don't think things clearly or well. I'm just average. My pride says above average. But I'm an average guy.

Sigh, there are good things though guys. Staunton was soo much fun. Oh you went? Yes I did go. Go if you have a chance. Watch a play. Walk around. Relax.

Relax? What does that mean? What does that entail? I think my mind... is just shutting down and going haywire. What I need... is a hug. A place to rest my head. Scratch that... what I need... is a shower. Haha. Peace out. Hope you guys are well. But... pray for Syria. Pray for Egypt. Cry my friends. Make sure you haven't lost your humanity in this country we call home.

Old Friend

Saw someone, I haven't really seen since I moved out aka the MC. Weird. Memories... nostalgia. But it's over lol.

"I wish I could photoshop the scars off"
Macklemore

Dang... yes and no my friend. Ultimately no, but there always instances of yes, I wish I could.

I've decided to find an element that I long since said goodbye to that only manifests itself in rare moments. Childlike joy. I isolated it a long time ago, and in my pursuit to grow up and get smarter etc., I killed it. But now begins the journey to find it again. I think it will be fun though.

Today, I went on a spontaneous trip to Humpback. I sped there to cath the sunset, and barely got it. I flew up that mountain man... and it was beautiful up there. Downside... hiking in the dark freaking sucks especially at the top. It was exhilarating but scary cause I didn't want to damage my camera. I also had black and white film in my camera... dummy. But I will do this trip again. One of the few things I have confidence in, my center of gravity. If I fall I can cushion it, if I lose my footing I can figure out a way to re-balance myself. But ya, and then I drove to skyline... and dude go there during sunset, eat dinner with significant other, see stars. Perfect date lol. If you steal this from me, you can at least me know you did. But it's so beautiful. If I had a tripod, and a nice ND filter... money landscape shot.

But ya... new journey of life. Learn, develop, change, but ultimately express joy. And where does this joy come from? Why Christ of course because He loves me. And hopefully... I'll learn to love myself. Let's be real guys being depressed and stuff sucks.

Random: I said JubileeProject is better than Wongfu. Or at least I think I did. Saw some Wongfu... my bad guys. If you guys just did more charity work it'd be cooler, but so talented.

More random: Driving fast on that skyline drive is money... feeling the swerve, the pit of your stomach sinking. Knowing that if you crew up this turn it's gg (well I'm not going that fast), it's so exhilarating. And you get lost in the turns and the trees and the scenery. Always enjoyable.

Cute and Teary

There's a youtube channel called jubileeProject.

Their videos have made me legit tear up.

For All the Times
This video... is what my childhood was like. And this... is how I feel now. Well played. Wongfu is cute... but these guys are cute with a cause. Makes me want to buy one of their shirts for real.

Have another post in the works, but these guys deserve more popularity. Doing what you love and helping others, sickdeals.

Life and Death vs. Entertainment

Headline on news at least on CNN. Evidence of Syrian chemical attack and then Miley Cyrus twerks at VMA...

Someone dies, once again first comments are random bickering that point away from the fact that hello a life was just wrongly taken away.

I don't get society. There's avoiding reality, and then a blatant disregard for other people. I feel bad for Miley. I do. Victim of many things, and seeking to live that free life. But still come one... they are not anywhere near as important, at least to me.

On a side note, I've found some holes in my shirts that make it harder to resist buying clothes... hmm decisions.

but more importantly... life.

Life... let's just leave it at that. The good thing recently is that my attitude towards the news has changed. Is it depressing? Heck yes. Does it make me wonder about humanity? Yes. Does it drive me to tears... yes. Am I reminded about God's compassion and love yes? For so long... I heard the news, I heard about people suffering and was like dang that sucks. 5 minutes later I would be back on my life. But, these people, their lives are changed forever. Or they are over. Syria and possible chemical attacks. Egypt and riots. Child soldiers in northern Africa. All these things... they finally break my heart. They finally have reached me. I can be that news anchor that can recite it without a problem, but inside I know... my heart is aching for them. And I'm moved, to pray.

Things on my mind, but all I can do is go through the next day. And continue along.

"Feeling sick and helpless, lost the compass where self is
I know what I gotta do and I can’t help it"

Macklemore is a freaking genius.

Neon Cathedral- Macklemore ft. Allen Stone
"And a truth that's so strong, I'd be a fool not to take it"
"Closed the Bible a while ago, I need some shots for this sin"
"I read the Bible but I forgot the verses
The liquor store is open later than the church is"
"Underneath this fragile frame, lives a battle between pride and shame"

Otherside- Macklemore (Fences Remix)
Original is good too.

Even his mixed tape is sick... "no i gotta let it go, i'm just to selfish to set it free"

But he's a bit too depressing at times, which certainly doesn't help me... and his more upbeat songs veer towards modern day crap.

Deleted a bunch of crap that I wrote yesterday. Today, was better than I expected. Thanks to those who convinced me to go. A nice change of pace. And I printed more photos. Sam's Club so cheap. And key to old school grainy poorly processed photos? Use old film... like film that expired a long time ago. That's what I did. Not what I wanted, but deal with it. Film is done guys... but until it's completely done, Imma keep it going. Love that feeling of opening it up and thinking how will this turn out.

Had an interesting convo with a person today asked relatively deep questions. Didn't mind, but interesting.

It's crazy though... today was nice. And I wish I could just end it there...

I realized something today... I had/have an irrational fear of Korean families. I guess cause the only notion I have (and I mean families that only speak Korean to each other at home, and like older) is from when I was little with my grandparents. How... they loved me in their own way, but gave my mom so much crap that it drove her away. Gave her so much crap cause of me, and the life that she lived. And gave my aunt crap that it drove her away too. They acted so nice to me, but I couldn't understand half of what they said, see? And I mistrusted those settings after that. It was my mom, my step-dad and my aunt and the uncle that she married, and that was it. Always a wall up, partially cause of a language barrier, but partly cause... I can't tell exactly what's going on. But what I experienced today was different. Was refreshing. Was for a lack of a better word, cute and loving. Thank you to the person. And thank you God.

I have a lot of double standards. Not for people but for myself. I berate myself, I break myself down. But the beauty of "Starting Over" is the honesty that he speaks, but in the end there's the hope in the end. Brief, struggling to be expressed, but there. But unlike him, I have hope founded up on Jesus. Someone concrete, someone not man yet man. Someone supernatural. Someone who died for me. Jesus... thank you.

Life is not about me and what I do or I've done. It's about how I can give glory to the One. It's not about shouldering on, it's about falling before Him. And saying it is done.

I'm reminded today, that the reason I wanted to serve is cause I wanted to give back to God and help others. But the reason I will serve in the future, is not cause I'm better. Not cause I'm smarter, or anything. I am the worst of these and more. The thoughts and my actions have are the testament to that. Yet, we serve and love cause God loved us first. We serve and we love purely cause of Christ. Being able to help is a plus. Feeling like I'm giving back to God is a plus. But none of that really matters. My thoughts and my hopelessness are ultimately foolish, and not just foolish in an oh get over it kind of sense. Foolishness in a... it doesn't compare to Christ. And too often, I get prideful and place myself up. When Christ is shining over.

That being said... I'm sure I will continue to struggle. And it's interesting not just in a sadistic way, but in a good way as well.

Still Macklemore is legit guys haha. Imma buy his album, and I only buy albums that I really like now cause I don't download music anymore. Neither should you. Don't think God approves of it, and you're not helping the artist.

Lied lol

I need this blog. I need an outlet right now haha. So I guess I won't be stopping. My emotions today have been more haywire than I ever thought possible. I waver from losing myself in work, to almost crying (thank God for small Asian eyes, white people don't know what's up), to thoughts of well mental breakdown haha. So fascinating. In a weird sadistic way, this is fascinating.

Seeing the struggle between recognizing God, love, the fact that I need help etc. and let's just say darkness. I wonder if one day I'll just say to hell with it all and end everything in a nice red pool. Ideally it would be finding a high cliff or mountain or plateau and diving off. The free fall. The freedom of flight ultimately ending in panic as I see my demise, and then God... and then I cower away from such thoughts. And yet they always return.

I hate my emotional state, but more than that... I hate me. I tell God why... why am I alive? Why am I here? Why am I so freaking stupid? And then on the flip side, I say God, I'm not built for this corporate life. I'm not built for this. I need more. I can't just help people make money for the sake of it. It rubs me the wrong way. I want to be out there. People are dying and I'm sitting on my ass, spending too much time reflecting on my own bull shit problems.

What do I look forward to? Where do I want to be in 10 years? Ideally, dead. Realistically, that won't happen. I have too much self control for that. I won't let myself go crazy with eating. I won't stop exercising. I won't stop doing what i need to. I won't stop paying bills. I won't stop many things. Instead I'll just internalize it all until I finally learn to let go completely and love God, or... well that's the only option. So instead 10 years from now, I will do what I want. Missions. Live among the people. After this year of work, I will go on short term missions. And either return to working or something who knows. Am I qualified to go? What does that even mean? But I guess by my definition, no, but if there is one thing I can do... it's empathize with those hurting.

I've been lost for so long, I don't think I can get a way out. It's like a nice deep hole. You get trapped, but you get food everyday to survive etc. At first you panic and desperately you want out, and there are scars on ur hands and knees from when you scraped again and again and again. But then... it feels normal to be there. It feels like second nature. And then the thought of fighting your way out seems foreign. If someone offered you a line to escape you'd doubt it. Isn't that complacency? Is that the trap of everything?

My nightmares don't occur when I sleep. That's when I dream. That's my break. They occur during that waking moment because in the end you can't run or hide instead, they are real.

But there's always glimmers of hope, which help move on every day. Which help me stay alive.

I just remembered a conversation I had almost a week ago with a couple individuals. One asked have you ever felt that you aren't good enough for someone. The other person I was with said no, and I don't understand people that think that way. And then me... haha. Inside I laughed that sardonic laugh, and said ideally no, it's not true, but yes the feelings are there due to insecurities. yadda yadda. But me being the master of deflection that I am, I described it in such a way that made it clear to the person who didn't understand how people think that way. And they responded in a half joking oh so wise. And all I could say was nah with a smile... but inside, I said... it's not wisdom. When you've screwed up enough you understand. When you lost yourself so many times in the pit of despair it's second nature. I just hope... that person never feels that way. Let it just be something he's heard about, and nothing that he experiences. I sincerely hope that people live happier lives. That they aren't plagued with the stupid doubts that flood my life.

This is the first time, I've felt like I'm fighting a losing battle. Normally, I can pull of stability or at least flat line, but damn... at least somethings are working out like I expected or hoped. As long as there's someone there with me, I stabilize some, but once that door is closed gg my friend, gg. Oh Satan... guess we're closer than I ever imagined.

1. "Lord, I am a desperate person in need of a help today."
2. "Lord, in your grace, would you send your helpers me way?"
3. "Lord, would you give me the humility to accept that help when it comes?"

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevindeyoung/2013/07/24/learning-to-ask-for-help/

Good stuff above. The only plus side about me being in this emotional state, is my inspiration with words and metaphors is incredible, at least in my head. I free style with rhymes and a flow that just comes from me. But granted... it's all in my head haha. Pretty much all of this was written throughout the day so pardon the jumpiness or whatever.

Cleaning

Today, I took care of some stuff I should have done a long time.

I also celebrated a record. My inbox is down to 1 unread message. Crazy right? Well if you knew my inbox. You'd know it's crazy.

I've been reading the news lately at work everyday, it's depressing. Bad news makes money though I guess. But so many trolls commenting too. Read an article about a man my age who was killed and the reason for murder? The 3 teens just wanted to kill someone. First comment is little troll making light of the situation. Freaking jerk. But ya... it's sorta depressing.

You know what guys, I'm tired of everything. So I feel bad for that person who was killed, and the other part of me says why couldn't I have been targeted? Haha... half joking here. Guess I'm a jerk troll too making light of the situation, when really it's saddening.

A friend confronted me a couple days ago, and said I sometimes like a hero. Not in a good way, but in the sense of I want to help others but don't want to receive help. Yes, yes it's true. I would die for you, but if you died for me, I'd contemplate suicide many many times in response. I want to give, and not receive. But the reality is, I'm more of a villain. I'm just so good at it that I deceive myself and others. Brilliant. Not only that... I can't help anyone. I just can't.

I'm done blogging for a while. Thanks for reading, the few who do. Contact me more openly if you care to. If not, that's fine too. Peace out.

Two songs

What Do I Know of Holy- Addison Road
Truth.

Starting Over- Macklemore
Real talk. If you can't relate to this song, then... I guess ignore it.
I'll prob post another song by him. This guy has some really deep stuff, and then of course the dumb modern stuff.

Little Things

Today was a bunch of little things that came together to make, a wonderful day.

Helped someone by giving them a ride to the airport. Always nice, feeling useful.

Got to nova, ate lunch with aunt and company. Free lunch, always nice. Played with cousin some, who doesn't hate me as much. Saw a CJ.

Then Georgetown. Been wanting to ride a train for some reason, and I think the metro satisfied that itch for now. Until I travel on-wards. Walked around... and it just felt good to get out of C'ville and Richmond area. I needed to go somewhere different, where I could loose myself in tall buildings and random people walking by.

Then we got there. The hustle and bustle, the newness of it all was so attractive. So much diversity, so many different languages... felt cool. And then... so much materialism. So many clothing and shoe shops that were the baller expensive brands. And... I was like this is nice... and then I also said, this is so sad... People drinking and enjoying themselves, people shopping and dropping cash, and... then thoughts of other parts of DC were on the back of my mind. But still, got that Georgetown Cupcake. Overrated and expensive? Maybe, but delicious? Yes!

Went kayaking on the river. Walked around some more.

And then the best part, had legit ramen at a place called Kintaro. And some sushi there. Gg. All thoughts left and I was lost in the deliciousness of it all. And to top it all off, there were actual Japanese customers there. Slightly wonky experience there due to some issues with reserving seats, but all worked out well. Fatty tuna there was a taste unkown to me. Sushi that actually melts in your mouth as you chew. I've read and heard about it, and it was great. No soy sauce needed at this place, just enjoy the fish and it's tenderness.

I burned through 1.5 rolls of film like nothing. And then used my DSLR, but by that point it was getting dark. I look forward to developing these. It's nice that you can really enjoy taking pics of random people. There's so much hustle and bustle people don't care. In C'ville they stare, and it's sorta awk, but I still do it.

Could I live here and enjoy it? Heck ya. Good food everywhere. Things to do. People around. Saw so many photo takers was refreshing.

But then... would I really enjoy it? Probably not. I'd lose myself and wake up 10 years later saying what happened to your dreams and aspirations? What happened to God? And I'd have to confess... that I lost sight. On the metro today, a guy carried his dry cleaning on the metro and asked around for some cash to get off the metro, and I was saddened. He was met with silence by the crowd. A refusal to make eye contact. That's scary guys. Granted it all worked out in the end, but that's the life I would develop. My bubble, my people, people like me, end of story. I've got enough struggles, so thanks be to God that I'm stuck in that humdrum of C'ville. Sadly this plays in other areas of my life though, that I'm only beginning to grasp. I read the news semi-regularly depending on how busy I am at work. I don't know if you know about Egypt... read about it. Please... not only Egypt all around the world, things... are shocking. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream. What is going on???? This child was raped and you get a blip on the news end of story? Hundreds murdered, and we process it and go on with our day. So happy I'm not there? Churches getting persecuted... churches manipulating people wrongly in other parts of the world. So many things are more demanding and important than my foolishness. Moved in prayer, but I want to be moved in action. But I guess it starts with the little things now. Saying hi to people is small, but important imho. Helping strangers. I can't stay here... I will always hate myself if I never do and act and go. You might say, maybe that's the issue be content with what you have. And yes... I know I'm the worst person to help... but at least I want to. At least I don't read these things and move on. I stop... (The sad part is this empathy depends on my emotions, my business, my circumstances, but I pray that would not be the case.)

Also, I was reminded of something that happened with my cousin last week. (Un)lucky for me, I was in the back seat and had to keep wiping her nose cause I didn't want to close her nose so she would breath okay. Got blood splatters over my arms as she kept crying and screaming and blowing, and I just kept wiping. Something about that hit me. The importance of life? The necessity of blood for survival? I'm not sure...

Regardless, a day to get out of foolish thoughts. And reflect on God in a different light. As much as I hate to admit it, I need people. I'm an introvert needing time alone, lots of it. But in the end... I still have social needs. Always shocks me for some reason.

One last story. A friend of mine, posted about his dog that passed away. And it was beautiful. How he found him, how things played out. I read it while at work, and my mind shut down to everything else as his feelings towards his dog crashed over me. And I emerged empathetic, but also reminded about the sanctity of life. I felt dirty for my longings of death for personal satisfaction. I felt sad, cause I hated a gift. And even now I struggle with it, but life is so precious. I like taking pics of kids, but it's hard cause you don't want to look like a creeper. But... they are so precious. That life, which I hope any parent would protect at all cost.

Yes this post is more genuinely hopeful than the last one haha. More genuinely happy... let life continue to flow.

Know what's fun?

Traveling. I'm going to take a break from the trend of the last two posts. Traveling is fun. Photography is fun. Dream job: both combined. But where do I really want to be in 10 years? In ministry, with people. And yet... I'm far from there, but before I diverge into less happy thoughts... traveling.

I have recently made 2 goals for myself. 1/2 marathon by next spring for sure, but ideally end of this year. I know I can do it, but it's a matter of can I do it fast enough. Aka, under 2 hours which isn't that fast, but I did something like with a friend where we just ran for a long time, so it's doable.

2nd goal, travel. Once a month I'm going to go somewhere farther than a normal car ride aka farther than nova. NY prob next month. Maybe Phili the following. Chapel Hill for the heck of it? And then go from there I guess. Or maybe I'll cancel a couple so I can buy a plane ticket and go to Canada. But... I have to be careful about not using my PTO (paid time off... for those who might not know). I... want to go back to Mexico. I was pretty bummed I couldn't go this summer and more bummed that the trip was canceled. But I need lots o vacation for that kind of mission trip. And eventually I want to go to Japan. But that might happen if I can go to the Philippines next year, which would be sweet cause then most of the trip expenses would be footed by the good ol company.

On top of that... I've settled on a film body I want and the two lenses I want. I have a 55 mm which is decent. And I want a 28 mm as well. Thankfully the 28 isn't that expensive at all. Yay for old stuff no one wants.

My dslr... is going to have to wait longer for another lens. Possibly an 85 or a 28 for that as well. Why no zoom? I'm too poor for a decent one, and I'm a purist like that, aka sorta snobby. And I promised myself only one a year cause they are so expensive.

On top of that, I'm going to go to music shows that I can make and enjoy them.

What's the point of traveling and such? Fun, and where will I end up next. Chicago... is still a place I want to live. Don't ask why, I just do.

But in the end... I'm being over ambitious. I can squeeze these trips in, but then it limits on if I can treat people and stuff, so realistically maybe a trip every couple months. But that's okay. I'm in no rush.

On a side note... developing film is expensive. I wish there was a costco here cause it's cheap there. I'm too cheap to pay for a Sam's club membership, but ya.

There... a post that's more upbeat. One day... I'll look back and laugh at my stupidity. But that day seems far off. Honestly, it might not ever completely come. But that's okay.

Bad Morning Routine

So... I have a confession of a bad morning routine. I've gotten so used to doing it every morning that it's second nature, and I really don't think much of it anymore; hence, if you ask how's it going, I wouldn't process that this was different. Warning: Curse words. lol. Don't think anyone reading this would care.

Wake up. Look in mirror after taking care of stuff. Hello shit. Oh hello there. Continue getting ready. Driving, oh it's a nice day. Yup it is, don't get too happy piece of shit. Get to work. Greet the people, start to read emails and news. Takes a little bit for me to get ready to work. Stare at wrist after taking watch off... back to work (now, don't get all worked up, wouldn't actually do anything, death is just interesting to think about sometimes).

And like I said before I'm an asshole. Well, I'm actually a piece of shit, at least that's what I tell myself. And to be honest, I'm sure Satan is quite happy about it. He doesn't even need to do anything, I'll fuck myself up on my own, thank you very much. I'll make mistakes or blame myself on my own. Being hard on myself. Sure. And granted... to do my best to be objective, I'm not a piece of shit, but I need to be harder on myself, just in a more constructive manner. But you just get to telling yourself that, and it's second nature you know? Guess it's true, tell yourself enough times, and you believe it. I lose myself in hobbies and working out cause they consume me and frankly are enjoyable. Good things that I use wrongly, like so many things in my life.

Not surprisingly this attitude has taken a toll on my spiritual life. Derh.

And then God did something for me... he allowed me to go to a Kari Jobe concert. I've been reading articles and stuff, reminded of so many political issues where God needs to be present and theological topics. And it gets stored away as little snippets of info. Maybe if I'm lucky, I can pull it out later when I have a discussion or something. And then like I said, I went to this concert. And the effect, was like that blog I posted last time. A reminder of the testament of God's love. I'm a piece of shit. But God loves me, cares for me, and made me His child... Sigh. Let's be real, I question that decision a lot. God... you should have left me to die without knowing you, but He didn't. You... still want me. Haha... God isn't there to make me happy. God doesn't need me. I'm nothing... but He wanted to make me something. And as I say this I'm happy, and at the same time thinking aren't you self-centered. But there is a portion of that in Christianity. Yes, there's other people, there's the story of creation, the fall, redemption, etc. And then there's also you. Singularly you. Bam.

You'd think I'd get it right? I've heard this message before. I've had this reminder before, and it comes back time and time again. You'd think... I would change right? Maybe I have been... and maybe... I dunno.

So in the end... I can't completely stop myself from saying stupid stuff to myself. But... I can say, God loves you. Pray and learn. Pray and seek wisdom. Pray and strive. And one day... I'll have a dog that shows me love. Haha. Maybe, but really, I'll be with Him. And I'll say... I'm home.

I'll post pics of the concert tomorrow, but ya... despite monkeying with my camera on and off, there was some good, healthier reflection time there.

Slightly random: Christian radio is sorta stupid at times. Not only in their random talks, but music in general. It's sorta cliched (understandable), but also very similar. Always happy, even "sad" songs have an upbeat feeling. What people don't get angry, hurt, frustrated, make mistakes, and feel remorse? Stupid people... lament already haha. But go back to God. Don't forget that part.

Still scary how the human psyche adjusts, or maybe I'm just dumb. I honestly feel dumber these days. And I ruined my diet today. Pho for dinner, then a burger, and doughnuts... sigh.