Last Day of January

Bam.

End of January... crazy.  Not really, this month has gone really slow.  Nothing profound today.  Except took a walk and saw scenery which was nice.

It's blurry... but I thought it was cool.

Tomorrow shall be a productive day in terms of hw and job apps.  Hope you guys are doing well and better than I in the midst of this blustery day.

One thing.
Chinese Court Issues Severe Sentences in Tibetan Self-Immolations
This is... intense.  Pray for the world my friends...

Drained

Some good messages from Paul Tripp.  Short and sweet.

Knowledge Does Not Mean Maturity
The End of Theology

It has been quite a long tiring day... and tomorrow looks like the same.  Career fairs stink.  Talking to people for several hours pretending like you care, seeing how they are pretending as well is just... tiring.  But I would probably sign up for it if a company that I work for comes to UVA mainly just to help friends, but have to get a job first...  Oh wellz.  I wish I had something cool to share.  I guess January is ending, which means my blog everyday thing shall end.  And same with no txting and no chatting and no facebook shall end.  Maybe.  I might get some of these back but not others, who knows.  Having more time is good.  And blogging is a way of keeping a record, so one day I can be like Mark you were/are still sooo ridiculously stupid.  Maybe I'll be married and laugh, or I'll be single and be like I was prophetic about singlehood. Haha.

By Grace Alone came in today.  Read Chapter 1... not as profound as I expected, but maybe what I need to hear is the simple stuff.  I also finished Radical finally yesterday I think, and I'm embarking on that pray for the world thing.  If you want you can ask me about to keep me accountable.  Maybe I'll try to finish all the Christian books I never finished or something read by the end of this semester.  Who knows.

Pretty pic from Fall.

Honesty

If I had a choice, my friends... should forget about me.  Like mist, here and then disappears from one's mind.  I think I would find peace in that.  Mistakes and hurts I've caused would be forgotten.  Happy memories would just be warm feelings.  And life would go on.  But I guess Biblically, I should be seeking to join with my fellow brothers and sisters in rejoicing in God and helping one another so how can you forget a fellow brother or sisters in arms haha.

I'm wondering these days... if I really will just end up alone.  I can't offer anything to anyone, in fact these days I feel the need to preface any friendships with... I'm going to fail you at some point.  Don't rely on me.  I have nothing to offer but potential pain.  Not much of a friendship, or even the potential marriage (I say potential cause I doubt I'll have one.)  Being alone is safe, but lonely.  But is the safety worth it?  Many would say not, but with my track record... being alone might be the best.  Should I become a monkkkkk? lolz.  

I dunno these are my musings.  I would be sad if I never married, I really want a family.  In part because I want to do it right because my family... is bizarre at best.  In part because it's beautiful.  But why have something beautiful, if I'm just going to mar it.  What makes me think I can do it right.  By God's power indeed.  But... I'm not worth the effort.  Of course this mentality effects my relationship with God.  I can't accept grace completely.  One day maybe I can.  But maybe one day I can't, God still gets glory if I end up in Hell though.  No worries there.

I'm a sinner, in need of grace, but struggling to accept it.  I'm a sinner deserving nothing who has been blessed with too much in the first place.  I'm a sinner who wants to serve but the reality is, has been lost for so long.  I'm a sinner deserving of Hell, but I don't want that to be my resting place.  I'm a sinner, where I delude myself into thinking my work matters.  I'm a sinner, who will never live a perfect life, who is destined to continue to sin despite my efforts not to, who will only hurt those around him, who will fail those around him, who will never be useful.  Yet God loves me, and I struggle with... why.  I feel like my death would serve a greater purpose than my life, but there's my cockiness saying I know better than God coming into play haha.  Who am I kidding, I want to live, but death will come and I'll be waiting for it.

Attempt

J.I. Packer is legit.  Started to read Knowing God today, and already a solid point made.

"What is my ultimate aim and object in occupying my mind with these things [essentially theology]?  What do I intend to do with my knowledge about God, once I have it?  For the fact that we have to face is this: If we pursue theological knowledge for its own sake, it is bound to go bad on us.  It will make us proud and conceited... Our aim in studying the Godhead must be to know God himself better... We must seek, in studying God, to be led to God."

Bam.  My good information today.  Along with,
http://michaelkelleyministries.com/2013/01/statistics-on-social-media-in-2013/
http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevindeyoung/2013/01/29/dont-let-the-screen-strangle-your-soul/

These articles are about our generations struggle with social media.  Pretty legit and interseting.

So now for more normal stuff I guess.  Today was a beautiful warm day, and I took advantage of it.  Skipped two classes to read and see the beautiful sky, later after attending a class, read outside in the sun.  Played frisbee, and indoor soccer.  A break from the dreary cycle, I've been good at keeping myself in.  That being said... back to the grind.  However... DSLR's even ones that are like 8 years old still take better pics than my point and shoot... sadness.

Btw, this is my new best friend.  It makes a sound like Kon.  I saw this in the drama I saw and it was funny, sorta cute, and it's distracting to some extent lol.  Pardon the messy room, I meant to clean it but I have a lot to do... And this is from my point and shoot.

But ya... this week is going to be busy from now till the end.  I guess I shall make this public, but I've stepped down from praise team and bible study this semester, and probably won't rejoin (been a couple weeks though so pretty much everyone knows).  But I have to help lead praise again because Urbana is sharing and we are playing songs.  Dunno... just tiring.  Also career fair... and since I don't have a job, it's do or die I guess.

Even the fact that I might have to lead Philadelphia trip... is daunting.

Blogging

A couple days ago my roommates were joking and saying Mark can't you be nicer and less serious.  Today someone mentioned I need to be more joyful.

Haha.  Sort of hurts, but I agree.  But I don't want to be fake in my joy like I have been.  I don't want to tell all those white lies that I've been content with saying for so long.  I really want.... to change.  I wish that could be me.  I finally listened to part of that homosexuality talk and one of the speakers had a good quote.

"Change is not the absence of struggle.  Change is the freedom to choose holiness in the midst of our struggles."

That being said everything comes from God.  The question is... do I inundate myself with things that remind me of God, bring me back to God or do I waste time?  Thankfully the answer is attempting to inundate myself, and eventually something shall hopefully stick, God willing.  I had an epiphany earlier today, but I should have written it down, cause I can't remember.  Sigh my memory has gotten really bad these days.  Like really bad...

But I finished a Japanese drama I was watching, Nobuta Wo Produce.  Yes, a time waster, but it honestly has helped me a lot with Japanese.  I think forcing myself to listen again and try to not use subtitles unless necessary is getting me back into the flow of listening comprehension.  But... I felt so many similarities in the main character.  Made me sad haha.  Basically he uses people, and in the end everything falls apart, but he has a couple real friends.  Reinforced the idea of how, I'm a sinner in need of grace.  But they mentioned something cute, as long as you have someone waiting, you can come back from places you regret.  Interesting right?  Of course that should be God.

Something else the drama mentioned.  Not being believed is scary... makes one even doubt oneself so much.  And making people cry... is painful.  So painful.  Honestly, I think I'm becoming afraid of people.  Might have mentioned that before.  I'm afraid of being hurt a lot, but also hurting them.  People are scary.

Random note, it sounds like Philidelphia will work out for spring break service trip.  Aww ya.  And I checked out a book on photography haha.  It's interesting and talks about lenses and composition.

I... am still very frustrated with who I am.  But life goes on.  I'm starting to get to that point where my heart is just too tired and needs rest so I conveniently block things out so I can function.  I hate this part of me.  Actually I hate a lot of parts of me... who am I kidding, every part of me.  Bah, I'm too tired to focus, but perhaps I should stop blogging.  It's always so me- focused.  Very... egocentric, very pathetic.  And doesn't seem biblical.  I'll try to do something more interesting I guess.  At least will give me something to focus on.  Forgive me.  And sorry for all this like bipolarity in my posts lately, I think I'm going to plan out these things more, and make them less free flow.

Btw, Tenth Avenue North has some powerful songs.  "Hold My Heart" and others.

Morning

Came back to C'ville this morning.  Should have gone hiking but too cold, and too tired.  My brother likes to sleep with me when I go home, and he turns too much... sigh.  But it's all good.

I've started to drive long distance limiting the amount of music I play.  Gives me more time to think without other sounds interfering.  It's different.  Also, some guy almost hit me today, by changing lanes without looking... sigh.  But I moved out of the way.  Maybe I don't want to die at all...

Segue into reading Radical today.  Today I read a couple chapters of Radical, and lo and behold, one of them was about our depravity.  Haha.  Been hearing this/reading about this/seeing it a lot lately.  good though.  He reiterates challenges and reminders about commitments I made at Urbana, and I still have only partially done.  But he also talks about death.  And letting Christ be everything.  Not our shame, not our fear, but Christ be everything.  And logically it makes sense.  I've spent a lot of time these past years pretending, I think it's time to be what I claim to be, a Christian.  But then one thing I need to really figure out is still grace. But I think also joy.  I was driving and one thought came into my mind, I'm not very happy these days.  For good reason mind you, but one day will I able to be like okay younger happier side of me let's rejoin hands, or will that side of me wasted away and died?  Or maybe that's the wrong image and the fact that I'm treating it like two people is wrong and weird... haha.

Also already rejected from one job... aww ya.  But today will be a day of keeping myself busy hopefully.

Random pics time.  Side note, I've been using Picasa and trying to experiment with raw images, but it's making them weird.  If anyone has free solutions please let me know, if not that's okay.  I will just shoot in jpeg until I get better and when I can afford better software or something.  Also... I can't transfer pics from the DSLR to my comp :(.  I'm going to try something later today, but sadness... haha.

Another pic from Colorado, I like it.

The building we slept in.

Attempt to capture snow in a pic.... so hard.

While waiting for all of our technical difficulties on the first night.

Brother Birthday Party

So, today I left men's retreat early and came home for my brother's birthday party because I've missed it for the past couple years, and failed to even call him on his birthday as well.  Yes, I'm a terrible older brother, which is why I couldn't not go because who knows if I go somewhere far away, this might be my last chance.

Pastor Ro is a gifted man.  Incredibly reformed... like epitome of it haha.  No complaints, but interesting.  He even delved into theological points of interest during his sermon, but that being said I wish I could have stayed the entire retreat.  He was talking about something close to me.

Last night he established that we are dead and sinful.  Drove the point home powerfully, and I was like yes, I agree with this.  I can cry out as Paul in Romans 7:24, "Wretched man that I am..."  And of course the redemptive portion of this is Christ which he was planing on getting to today, but I missed it.  Not that I don't know... but I need to hear it.

I talked to him post sermon because I needed to hear more, in just how can one even turn to Christ.  But he made the point that if you are struggling that is indication that you are beginning to grasp something of the faith.  And other things, I just really wish... I could have talked to him more.  He's an eloquent, yet bold and powerful pastor, somewhat DA Carson esque and it was good to hear him haha.  But I believe that I'll shoot him an email, get some verses and dive in to it, maybe someone recorded it or I can get his notes or something.

One challenge that I came out with from a video clip he showed us.  And the guy mentioned entertainment, and how yes it's bad.  And I know this, but he was like you are paying for someone to defame God and you love it.  And I froze.  One of my favorite movies of all time is, "Good Will Hunting."  It beautiful..., but what are half the curse words G** D**** It.  I'm listening to someone say the worst insult in the world... and enjoying it still.  And I dunno, yes there's the aspect of looking beyond that, but then there's also the aspect of really... just filling yourself up with good stuff.  Sigh.  And yes, I'm going to stop reading manga again.  I go through like spurts of several months off and a couple weeks on.  But this might be for good completely.

But ya... just one sermon some challenging video clips, and I came knowing that these feelings are right.  These struggles that I have are... legitimate.  But the gift of Christ is that... a gift.  A gift I do not deserve, a gift where nothing I ever do will be good enough.  And I stare at Him in shock.  I think... I will be at this stage for a while.

I've realized also another idol I have.  Seeing family friends with super little kids come to my brother's birthday party, I desperately want a family hahaha.  Kids are adorable, family is beautiful, but... I'm afraid.  My goals of thinking my actions can bring about good are entirely stupid.  God does good things through me, I can't force it at all.  Even my best is like offering God feces, and I do that so often.  Too often.

Ya, I know this is sort of all over the place, I think the one message though that I heard was a reminder of the depravity means we have nothing to hope in but Christ. there is HOPE.  Something... I've been rejecting uknowlingly for so long now.  Seeking fulfillment in this world for so long, I've failed and seen everything fall apart.  And that's how it will always be.  Everyday is a struggle to look past the mess I made, but to see how God is working through that.

Am I happier now?  Temporarily because my brother was so happy to see me.  Even now he sits in the room with me cause he likes to be with me haha.  One day... God willing I'll have a little kid that I can dote on.  Or who knows, randomly popped in my head one day what if I run an orphanage???  Haha... future is far, for now work out who I am.

Random coolness.  I got my step-dad's super old rebel body, and he's letting me borrow his prime lense and some not so good zoom lense, but sounds like it shall be fun.  I'm using my tablet so a couple pictures from my handheld to be posted tomorrow.

But ya, God will be glorified if I go to Hell or Heaven so my thoughts of God shouldn't have made me are invalid.  Either way He's glorified.  Hopefully, heaven though, or that which is beyond if you see the link in a previous couple of posts.

Men's Retreat

To men's retreat I go.

Pretty pic from CO in the car.

Heaven

I Can't Wait Until I'm Not in Heaven

Thought this article was interesting.  Still looking to beyond this world of course, but interesting.

Nothing

Been forcing myself to see people some more, which is good I guess.  Feels nice.

I had to write devo's for Men's Retreat... it was hard.  Read good things, reminded of good things, doubt I conveyed things well.  But hard because, I felt hypocritical.  I know these things, I'm challenged by them... but ultimately my heart was empty behind them.

I'm good at putting up a front.  Even as I try to break it down... I build it back up.  What do I tell people that don't know me well how I'm doing, I always say okay.  Been better.  I guess that's better than lying to their face but still. Honestly, I'm beginning to develop this inability to be around people too much.  I feel really awkward, unwelcome, unclean, evil.  I'm so good at putting up a front, I wonder when did I start to deceive myself? Haha.  The irony right?  The irony...

Today was a beautiful day... but I couldn't appreciate it.  I even saw an adorable husky, and I love dogs, but I couldn't smile like I always do.  And couldn't even go play frisbee, but it was really cold and windy, so I think I made the smart decision.

Men's retreat is this weekend, and I'm going only for Friday night and leaving Saturday for my brother's birthday party cause I missed it the past couple years.  Thankfully this reminded me to call him just now, and I did.  And I cried haha.  You might wonder why?

Why, indeed.  Because I struggle everyday with this idea that God need not and should not give me anymore blessings.  To ask anything from Him seems wrong after all He has done for me, and all I've done to screw up.  Because in those simple words of I really really miss you and I love you from him, I began to break.  Because these words seem so far and aloof, and in them is so much emotion, I just wish I could accept them.  Pride perhaps prevents me.  I'm too bad to be receiving these things.  I'm sure other aspects as well.  I don't think I accept well at all.  Just use me and move on; don't blame yourself, blame me; it's my fault; don't worry about me.  Words that I've told myself and others for a long time.  Haha, but if you talk enough and reason enough you can always convince the other person.  And eventually this became my thought process with God.  Recognition is the first step right?

On the bright side.  I'm trying this new thing guys... where I don't let things just slide through.  But I confront them, and I really really struggle with who I am in relation to God.  Maybe too much?  Dunno, but it's better than what I've been doing the past several years shrugging things off.  Thinking I had dealt with things when I never did because in the end... I always came back.

Switching gears, been mad cold man.  Making me realize, I really like cold, but enough to deal with this all the time?  Not sure yet hahaha.  But I'm itching to go to Wintergreen, so maybe one last time next week before school gets too busy. And I think I might try to upload one or two pics a day, I dunno just to give me something to do.

My new charger came in today.  So now I have an extra one lolz.  But it came with an extra battery, lens cloth, and screen protector so I would say $15 well spent.

My view from my room.  Encompassing the lunatic aspect of some kind of art thought process that a Mr. I described to me.  No didn't crack the window and put tape on it, it's been like that.

Crazy

The human body... is amazing.

Last night and while sleeping I had the craziest chills and fever, but today apart from a slight headache I'm fine.  Even a bruise on my hand disappeared.  Power of prayer and God and... 11 hours of sleep lol.  But I really... I guess cause I'm stupid had this conception/hope that I might die and go to Heaven (Hopefuly).  Oh wellz.

Heaven is going to be an incredible place... honestly can't wait, if I go there.

I think one thing that I really struggle with is... sin.  Haha.  But not only past sin as can be seen in previous posts, but the fact that I will always sin. I will never not sin in this lifetime.  And that's incredibly hard for me to accept.  I will never be perfect, and when put that way it's duh of course not, but I will always sin.  And I hate it.  I really do.  I will always come back hating myself and what I've done.

And I look at God, and I'm like why?  Why?  And I guess that's the beauty of the Cross right.  God loved us despite all that, and everything is covered for by His blood.  By that we are washed clean, etc. etc.  But... it's so frustrating to me.  And at some point this idea consumed me.  I wanted to get better and better and relied on myself.  I felt this desire to accelerate and rush to be someone greater, which I don't think is wrong, but I think I neglected so many basic truths on the way there, one of them being this idea of love, grace, and mercy.  Yes there's a lot of pride in this guys.  I really really really hate this fact that.... I will never overcome.  Even in Christ, I can't help but sin.  Which is part of the reason I long for heaven because there I won't sin again.  But I feel like I'm cheapening the gift of life at the same time.  Cheapening this gift that God has given me.  Sigh...

Today in my Religion, Ethics, and Environment class we talked about virtue.  And how our definition of a virtue will be something that you do without thinking that is good (how we define good is part of our discussions, but the main point is without thinking).  But how often do I something good without thinking?  Not often... lol.  I guess like we said in class, virtue is something we attain through virtuous thinking until it becomes part of us, but still.... like another sigh moment.  Aspects of Christianity will become second nature to us, evangelizing, resisting sin, showing love, forgiveness, and many more.  But even then... we will fail...

I honestly demand perfection out of myself.  And perhaps that's why I've failed so much and finally... I don't know how to handle it anymore.  There's hopelessness.  I'm trying to figure out what it means... to let Christ completely sustain me.  Now if you have pointers or any encouragements please let me know.  Facing the overwhelming wrath that I deserve, facing my sin and how I will never stop sinning, is crushing me.

But changing gears to happier things.  I played frisbee yesterday!  So much fun... so out of shape.  Sooo freaking cold.  Prob part of the reason I got sick, cause I felt earlier but I still played anyways and then I couldn't shower for a while cause of Bible Study.  But I paid for that mistake, and I'm not running today so that I can play again tomorrow haha.  As much as I love cold weather, this cold front is challenging this idea of mine.

Typical Richmond pic from this past Sat.  Went VMFA with peeps, saw where we had prom my senior year haha, felt really old.  And the photo section is super small there, but I found this photography book.... sick.  And her camera from like the mid 90's had beautiful detail.  I was in awe. haha.

This thing will prob be here... forever.

Shows how high the water is.  Like I said earlier.. Water was so high.

Another picture to show that.

And I found my camera charger!  yay!  haha.  Hopefully when it gets a little warmer I'll just go for walks to take pictures.

From Mexico, found it on my old camera haha.  Very.. hipster, but cool!

Please

Please pray for me, to bombard with topics.  I have chills and a head ache so bad right now... that I dunno what to do.  Thank you.

Javert

I am Javert.  Lol.

When confronted with true Grace my mind goes blank and I can't handle it.  And frankly... the thought of suicide doesn't surprise me.  In fact I've thought it.  Now would I ever commit it?  10 years ago yes, now heck no.  Lol.  No worries there if you were scared for a split second.  But ya... when confronted with the true depth of your sin, and even then you don't really know, it's scary.  It's not just scary it's terrifying, mind boggling, that sort of suicidal I can't take this anymore fear and depression.

And... that's where I'm at.  I think that's where I've been for a while honestly, but I've pushed the thoughts aside for better or for worse.  And now I'm confronting it, like really confronting and it's hard.

So many idols appear, and as soon as I'm tearing down one I find another or a new one appears.  I'm constantly reminded of how I will only continue to fail, and that should make me seek the cross all the more.  Hunger after it more, but... I'm scared.  Knowing full well how I deserve the wrath of God, it's scary.

But even though I cry or get upset etc about it, I shall continue to strive.  As I've said before when I cease to seek God... life will end.  I have so many books I realized that I need to read.  And today at PHS I learned of another I should read.  By Grace Alone: How the Grace of God Amazes Me by Ferguson.

Grace is such a hard concept for me.  And I feel like there's so many dimensions to it too, so on the bright side I can spend forever realizing it :) on the downside, I spend forever realizing it :( haha.  I don't like taking that long, but that's okay.

Honestly... I think I want to rush so many aspects of my life because of insecurities I have.  And... I probably will continue to rush because there's so much to do... so much work to be done.  But I'm realizing the joy of patience as well.

On a side note, I learned some stuff about street evangelism today and even put it into practice some with one of the speakers at PHS.  It was good... evangelism isn't as scary as I thought, and it's something I've always struggled with.  Reminds me of putting my comfort in God and how truly it's all in His hands.

Also... sad note.  Smallest PHS ever.  I was genuinely sad... but like it's said.  True believers can change the world because of God.  Size doesn't matter, and I'm not calling people that didn't come non-believers don't get me wrong.  But it's the idea that size/numbers doesn't indicate spiritual maturity or commitment or anything, it's a false idol.  Sorry I'm tired so I hope this all makes sense.

And duno if I mentioned this before, but I'm currently memorizing Philippians 4:6-7.  Good one.  And I really like Psalm 42.  And... I get to finally play frisbee again tomorrow.  Sooooooooo excited.  like so... excited haha. Been too long, I prob suck now and will be frustrated but that's okay, only way is up (or injured?....).

Les Miserables

I finally saw Les Mis.

It was good.  I honestly thought I would bawl out tears... but I didn't even tear up.  Maybe cause of all the things on my mind, or the people decided to watch it at 10:30 pm... and I foolishly tagged along.

But the movie... was beautiful.  I really want to see it on broadway now... I dunno.  I think the power of the movie lies more in the music than the acting at least for me, so I would enjoy broadway more.  But that being said.... I would see this movie again.  I felt connected on some level to different characters and that little boy was adorable haha.  Even the suicide scene, I was like... I get you.

But ultimately... Christian elements in the movie haha, not the blatant ones like the Church but more subtle ones.  It was nice.

But ya... I really really thought I was gonna bawl it out man... haha.  Maybe next time I watch it I will.

Beautiful tho...  good way to relax.  And Anne Hathaway... mad props.

Hiking

Today I went to Blue Hole and a Mr. I tagged along.

Sadly... I'm waiting on a new charger so I had to use my old camera, makes me realize the difference starkly, but pictures can be added some other time.

Water was flowing like crazy... so basically guaranteed to get feet wet unless you try super hard and I didn't feel like it.  So I just got wet, and man was it cold... lol.

The path was closed off so I had to make a slight detour, but hiking/walking felt the same.  Beautiful.

The trees basically had no leaves except for the evergreens so you could see a lot more, which was really nice, and then when I got to blue hole it was really pretty.

There was more water rushing and stuff, and it was incredibly peaceful.  Downside is they really did cut the swing down and there aren't any branches nearby sturdy enough to tie one if you wanted but it's still a good place to swim when it gets warm, and you can jump off the rocks.

I beheld God's creation and felt awe.  I walked through memories... and felt sadness mixed with joy.  Haha.

But overall, I tried to talk to God again.  I can't forgive myself... I really can't.  Pride comes and other emotions... but it's so hard for me to.  And that directly influences how I can't completely accept grace.  This is an ongoing struggle for me, and it hurts.  To be completely honest it's tearing me apart.

And my dad finally emailed me back, and I don't know how to respond anymore.  Do I try to build the relationship up, do I point out things I don't agree with what he said, do I need to become close to him again?  Does he even want that/is he even willing to put in the effort?  Am I?

For the first time, I enjoyed doing Japanese hw cause it took my mind off of things.  Pretty sad... but it helped to focus on stuff other than all the thoughts swirling and swirling in my mind... lol.  But I think I'm going to finally see Les Miserables.  Yay.

Also random side note, I tried sleeping on the floor to help fix my posture and the fact that my back has been cracking like crazy.  I'll see after a couple more days if I actually think it's worth it or not.

But ya I think that's it, if you do see this.  Please pray for me... I'm... just not doing well lol.  But on a brighter not I think I'm going to try to hike at least once a week.  Gotta explore the nature around C'ville before it's too late.

Another song Shane and Shane "God Did"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgkQIXVm8vQ

Heidelberg Catechism

http://www.reformed.org/documents/index.html?mainframe=http://www.reformed.org/documents/heidelberg.html

Read it reflect.  Yes some of it is denomination stuff... but all in all.  Tis good and very powerful.  Tomorrow I shall go hiking in the morning.  Looking forward to it.

Releasing to God

One mistake I've made is always saying sick it up. But the reality is it's about releasing into the hands of God, not sucking it up.

It's about trusting in God completely. Not that I fully understand this in any form. But an important distinction.

Also, I had to go to NOVA to babysit my baby cousin.  Babies... are adorable.  And in such need of love and care... if I can ever have one of my own, I hope I can raise them to be Godly people.  And continue to show them love and joy and mercy and discipline and everything... sigh.  One day hopefully.

Words of Encouragement

I've always wanted people to think well of me.  I've talked about this before, so I won't dwell on it too much.  But I've always wanted people to perceive as a good and holy guy.  haha.  But I'm a sinner.

A good man told me numerous things.  One of which is this, do we want to be the holy man that people perceive of us or do we desire to be the holy man of God?  A deep and powerful question because I know what I wanted and still want, but I know what I truly need and should desire.

He also shared something I think incredibly profound.  When Peter denounced Jesus 3 times, and was finally confronted with his sins when the rooster crowed, he went out and wept bitterly in repentance.  When Paul formerly Saul was confronted with his sin, I'm sure he was overwhelmed as well.  But often we overlook this or at least I have and just think about the greater things these people have done because they are great (of course because of God).

But when we sin and we despair or are grieved by the sheer amount of sin we identify (and we can't even identify it all), we forget that so did these men.  But God worked within them.  Despair, sadness all this is normal and right, but shall we fix our eyes to Jesus or eternally focus on our shame.

I keep on shifting on pronouns because I don't know which to use.  He shared me this view point, but I use we and I because I now hold it too... but all credit to him who shall remain unnamed.  But that's powerful... that's truth.  God's grace goes deeper still, a truth that I too easily forget.

Psalm 51, I think will be the first chapter I attempt to memorize and shall be what I attempt to memorize next after Galatians 2:20.

Also another song, "You Alone Can Rescue" Matt Redman.

Tomorrow shall be a productive day hopefully, unlike today.  And my first week of classes is over cause no Friday classes.... weird.  Last first week of undergrad...

Snow

Today it's snowing in VA and other areas around the east coast, and when I saw it... I was reminded about the beauty of God and His creation.

Yes, I am a terrible person.  But, it has never been nor will ever be about me.  It's about the one who was crucified.  Who understands us and cares for us.  It's not about me.  Instead I strive for Him, and He reached out to me in the first place.

So flows my emotions up and down, but down can only last so long before they go up.  Even if this shall be a rocky semester, I shall do what I have to.  And all the while, learn what it means to cling ever more.

Thank you for the snow that just reminded me of beauty.  (not you the reader, but God lol.)

I would have taken a picture with my camera but the battery is still dead.  Need a charger.

Also, I watched a brief clip about raising children from Gospel Coalition.  One guy talked about how great his wife was.  Honestly, I hope that one day I can do that.  Talk about my wife.  Be humble and serve her, and enjoy it.  Love my kids so much.  Of course there is the arguing the disciplining, and many other aspects, but in the end... it would be beautiful.  But before I can ever even approach that I need to solidify my identity in Christ.  I need to continue to fight to prevent those potential people from becoming idols.  I need a job... lol.  But this is a lot of potentials... who knows I might end up single for the rest of my life in charge of an orphanage, but that would be nice too.  Or I might just end up single in the middle of no where, which would suck... but humbling.  All I need is Christ.  Scary words to utter, but true.

How Long

How long.....

Everyday this question rings in my mind.  The verses of sorrow in the Psalms, only now do I reflect them and begin to grasp a glimpse of what the authors felt.  I think I thought I could before, but I guess I'm learning of a lot of things I thought I knew.

When I reflect on my life, I'm reminded of how much pain I cause.  And I realize, I will only cause more.  Never... will I do otherwise.  And so I strive to cling to Christ more because I can't look anywhere else.  I can't look at people cause I see the pain I've caused or will cause.  I can't look at anything but Christ.  

Every moment of peace I achieve is by distractions.  Even math today in class seemed enjoyable because I could stop thinking... which is sad cause I really don't like math.  I think the reason I've been reading so much lately on Google Reader or even reading some parts of books is because it gives me a chance to stop thinking about things that bother me but reflect on other aspects.

Of course the Cross covers my failures.  Of course.... of course.  I don't know if it's cause I can't let go, or because I still struggle with grace.  Maybe part of it is because my dad hasn't replied for a while now, and I'm afraid he might decide I don't ever want to talk to this person again or for a long time, but I guess I did the same to him so I deserve it.

Honestly... I would like nothing more than rest.  But I continue on.

My new verse to memorize:

Galatians 2:20

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.  The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

This is all I can rely.  I need not try to pick up the pieces of my broken life, I need to let Christ transform me.   As crappy as my body and soul as much as I wonder how He can still love me or even use me, I press on. But this process.... hurts so much.  But still I will cling.  Still I will crawl.  Still I will cry out.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFUHrXfuNU4

Healing Begins- Tenth Avenue North

A Bottle

We, like bottles can only take so much.  At some point we are too full or we burst.  Actually this isn't the best analogy cause I don't think we should hold things inside at all, but I think the point is sort of made.

It's like our emotions... if I have to cry I can only hold it in for so long.  If I have to scream I can only hold it for so long.  If I want to rage I can only hold it in for so long.  And when it's all focused on me.... I can barely make it to my room.

My room is my room of solitude, of reflection, of pain, of repentance, and ultimately where I have to come back to Christ every hour.

Being broken for one's sins is painful.  Like I said before I walk a thin line between sanity and insanity.  The Word repairs me, exercising relaxes me, Jesus is there for me, but still... I'm so fragile.  But I've realized I can be honest with God.  I can be completely honest with Him and then come back to Him.

All I have is Christ.  All I ever will have is Christ.  All I need is Christ.  All I ever will need is Christ.
This is my litany these days.  I remind myself cause when I forget, I begin to be overwhelmed, but broken I come back every time and I find rest.  I find peace.  I find hope.  None of which I can produce on my own.

I'm realizing what it means to value Christ above all else.  And in the end like I said above, that's all I will ever need.

Death is a gift from God for where we depart and move into His presence completely.  I do not fear it.  Nor should I welcome it as an escape tool.  I will die when I am appointed to, until then... I will fight my way to Christ day after day.

Yes, I'm not the most emotionally stable right now, although hopefully I will become that way (not the best trait I know, but a true sign of my weakness).  I can wear the mask I've perfected over the years, but I think it's time to shed it, as hard as it is.  But the one thing that is stable is my need for Christ.  I hope pray that He becomes your rock as well.

Easy Dessert

Thought I'd share this real quick too.  When I was in CO, I went to a pizza place called Beau Jo's.  Easy dessert idea if you are eating pizza is, eat the pizza and save your crust.  And then drizzle honey on it. It's a lot better than it sounds, tastes so good, and gives you an easy dessert with your meal haha.  I just did it last night, and it was delish.

Goals

So a C was in town recently, and he told me instead of memorizing song lyrics I should memorize Bible verses, I'm going to assume half joking and half serious.

I love music... so repetition naturally leads to memorization, but that being said, I've decided to add on to my goals.

Basic Outline

1) Wake up at 8:00 or 8:30 am everyday.  Run M, W, F morning.  Pushups every morning and evening.  Pullups tossed in their randomly along with other stuff.  Frisbee Thursday, and speed workouts whenever those start up.

2) Six Pack by end of semester, in part cause I've always wanted one and realistically it's easier for me to be dedicated now about it than later in life.

3) Steady QT's, which have been good lately, and I feel like God has been working in me a lot, and I'm just... recognizing so many things that I want to do it.

4) More prayer in my life for myself, but for others as well.  There's something powerful about prayer and just interceding, and I want to become a prayer warrior, not only praying at prayer meetings but on my own. Like Jesus talks about private vs. public devotion.

5) Memorize a new verse every couple days.

6) Lots and lots of reading, along with continuing to reach out to people. Proactivity and intentionality.  Two words I made up, but the meaning is clear.

Practically a lot of this just requires a lot of discipline.  Once school gets going the best time to meet up with people is over meals, but that's always been true, we all need to eat.  So gonna get on that.

But underlying all of this, is a foundation and joy in Christ.  If that starts waning then all these other things will have to be sacrificed, or at least reworked.

But ya, my verse today and prob tomorrow is Ephesians 2:8-9.  Something supposed to have memorized for SLC.

It is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast.

It's amazing how this verse has just gained more meaning over time...  Yup yup.  Hope you had a great day of classes or whatever you are currently doing.  And remember to do your QT and fight for Christ.

Sin

Sin is part of our story as Christians, not even if you are a Christian, it's part of your story period.

A good man, named N, reminded that the question for a Christian is how do you react to your sin.  Do you let it weigh you down and destroy you, or do you repent and come back to Christ?  Do you realize that what you need is Jesus more than anything to the point where you can't look back or if you do you fight and come back to Jesus?  Do you just sit there and accept it or do you say God help me?  Do you come back to the everlasting grace or do you try to shoulder it on your own under the misconception that you can somehow earn your way into Heaven?

Of course we know you can't earn your way, but I've realized for myself I got to the point where I was like if I don't commit this sin or that sin I'm a better person.  But then... it's like what I said earlier, the fact that I haven't killed someone doesn't mean I'm better than the murder.  Although, I've caused plenty of damage with words probably the equivalent of killing someone, sadly.

Of course there is coming to grips with what you've done.  But at what point do you lose sight of the Cross? At what point do you value people's opinion of you over the fact that you are indeed a sinful being?

I think for the first time, I'm learning what true repentance is.  I'm realizing... what it means when Piper says you have to love God more than sin entices you.  I'm realizing what it means to die to yourself, and put God first.  Putting God first before your family doesn't mean anything if you hate your family, sacrificing doesn't mean anything unless it has value to you.

I'm realizing what it means... to be a Christian.  Thanks be to God.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-WnjUvzdXM
Alive in this Moment- Starfield

Two Pics I Really Like

These pictures are from Urbana/on the way there.  No not of people because then I have to get permission, just scenery but ya.

Yes it's a trashcan, but looks cool right????

My new background, first time I've changed my background from rain in a long time.

One Small Conviction

Today, I was reminded that I am no better than any other sinner.  Of course I've heard this before, and said it before, but once again I was reminded by God's grace.

A month ago, I read some manga that actually had an interesting idea.  Yes... a drawn comic had something thought provoking, and before you hate it too much, I don't really see manga as any different than any fantasy genre style of book, that being said more of then not, it is a waste of time.

But this time it was interesting.  Basically, normal citizens were given the ability to vote on killing mass murderers.  Initially, people were like no we don't want to be responsible, but then after being told what each criminal did in detail, they immediately wanted to vote to have them killed.  Except for one person, who fought for their life.

In reality... I often get into this idea, yes I'm a sinner, but I'm not as bad as x, y, or z.  I can't connect with people who have done x, y, z.  This doesn't happen often conciously, but unconciously it does.  It happens to all of us... imho.  But that being said, I was troubled by this dilemma.  Given the option, would I kill them?  Of course not as a Christian, I shouldn't.

But the reality was I can understand why'd you want them to die.  Take the shooting in connecticut, if my brother was there and died, you'd have to stop from me wanting to brutalize the killer on my own by putting me in jail or locking me up.  (slight exaggeration, but i would definitely want to kill them).

However... becoming a Christian entails recognizing, we are no better.  And finally it hit me today, I am no better.  Now I'm still going to be scared of murderers... can't help it.  I'm still not going to condone their actions just like I don't condone my sin, but I can't... push these people aside.  I think I'm finally understanding why people do and feel called to do prison ministry.

I am no better than the worst.  In fact I am the worst.  I was one of the scoffers calling for Jesus' death, and yet... He died for me.  The beauty of this is something I would like to struggle with everyday.  Struggle and succumb to the grace of God.

On a side not, I never finished that what it takes to transform a city seminar so I did over lunch.  Nice date between the speaker and me lolz, but there was one quote that he quoted that stood out to me when he was asking a fellow missionary about what drove him to serve in the slums.
"I just found out where Jesus lived, and I moved in with him."

Do I move in where Jesus lives, or do I wall myself off in my pleasantries.  Dunno, well I do know, I wall off.  But I think I'm finally making headway at a much faster pace than I have for a while.  I want... to know Jesus more.

So far school is going okay, feels weird to be back, but... last semester gotta make it count.  And I asked a friend to do Bible study with me as like evangelistic bible study and was rejected... but that's okay.  I need to share the Gospel at least once before I graduate with said person though, please pray for strength.

Sabbath

Today was a good day for the most part.

As a heads up, I'm still going strong on my no shopping agenda, and I've also stopped checking slickdeals which used to be an everyday thing.  Yay.  And replacing it with.... google reader yay. lol.

Sad note, I left my camera charger somewhere... good news I'm going to borrow a charger for now.

But going to the real thing... today a man who shall be called Mr. Y just so in case they don't want to be named gave a very good message about biblical Joy.  It was like God saying Mark, see how important this is.  It's something that I've been thinking about which hopefully you can tell from my previous posts, but this might be the best I've ever heard Mr. Y speak in public.  I've talked to him one on one before, and it's always good, but I was thoroughly impressed, thanks be to God.  He's got a love for Keller haha, which I admire, but basically he broke down joy into worldy measures of joy and biblical measures of joy.  Essentially wordly joy always fail, and if we measure it by the standards of many companies today, joy can't be attainable by those living in terrible conditions, but biblical joy is true regardless of our situations.  He drew mainly from Romans 5 concerning suffering, and that natural progression to hope.

And he even put in part of his personal testimony, and it was powerful.  Our God is truly one worth serving, one... who sustains.

But not only that post Chapel we prayed for Mr. Y, and I was reminded... this is the point of a fellowship.  We aren't people gathering to say look at how well I'm doing, or I'm doing better than it looks.  It's not hey here's my great reputation, it's here I am, a sinner in need of grace.  Here we all are, a community of sinners striving to point each other in the right way... we are... broken.  And praying for each other is beautiful, it's necessary.  Of course in private, but publicly as one body... is beautiful.

And... a clan shall we say the C clan has once again charmed me... haha.  During Urbana I was able to talk to some brother's uncle about various things relating to GCF and just the church in general concerning race divisions.  And it was insightful and beautiful.
Two main points:  Is GCF outward focused, or have we become a prayer group just for ourselves with no outreach?
If GCF is outward focused, then are we driving people away because we use konglish too much, or other asian things that might make people feel unwelcome?

I think these ideas can be expanded not just in the racial context but in terms of sexuality, family background etc.

I always got prayed for by a Mrs. C... random but once again beautiful.  We talked for a bit (which was slightly annoying because I really had to pee right before Chapel started, but I couldn't cause we talked so long) mainly about missions.  Because I think I've been developing two general groups I care about... the urban and the Japanese surprise lol.  But it was helpful and she was like can I pray for you after we finished, and I was like of course.  I love receiving prayer for the most part (sometimes I'm dumb, but always welcome it), and once again I was reminded this is what brothers and sisters do for each other.  I need to end more of my one on one's with people by doing this.  You don't have to just wait until you get home you can do it at that moment.  That being said, I need to do more one on one's with my brothers. :)

Downside of today, I caved and played video games today.  I played this game a couple days ago but couldn't get into it so stopped after like 15 minutes, but today played it for longer.  Sigh.  But I guess baby steps, I don't play games as much anymore.  I've cut out shopping, and I still have been reading, reflecting more, and feeling more alone as people go do stuff and I decide not to do.  But it's good, putting everything in Christ is going to hurt as I die to myself, but it's joyful nonetheless.

I came across a quote today "I believe people see all of the things they will 'have' to give up to be deemed 'good enough'. It's not about what you do or don't do, it's who you Love."

There are a lot of things I wish I read or learned about earlier.  Like Urbana, this book on divorced chilren, a lot of articles, I've been reading lately.  But in the end God's timing is perfect, and I'm realizing how true that is.  I am who I am today because of what I've gone through.  I hate my sin, and I'm learning to hate it more.  I'm learning more about true repentance, and what it means to forgive not only others, but myself in the light of Jesus, but everything... is God lead my friends.  If you are struggling I hope that you can treasure that at least on some level.  I'm not sure if I always did, but even then... God was/is/will be God.

EDIT:
https://urbana.org/urbana-12/seminars
Go here and listen to "What it Takes to Transform a City"  Super legit
And "A Christian Response to Homosexuality" is supposed to be really good, I plan on listening to it tomorrow.

Child of Divorce, Child of God

For the first time in my entire life, I read a book about being a child of divorced parents.

Funny thing is I picked this book up cause it was like a dollar bargain at the IVP bookstore over at Urbana... but it's scary.

I got goosebumps reading this book, I shed tears, I repented, and I blew threw it all.  Because it was so true...

The book is called Child of Divorce, Child of God by Kristine Steakley, and like I said it's uncanny.

So much of it described me... from the bigger things like problems in our relationships with God and others, to even simple fears we have (like the author and I share this same fear... of someone breaking in and murdering and as such we devise escape plans think of weapons nearby etc.  Sounds dumb.. but it's true).  But I don't know if any of you can understand but this book... is truly a gift from God.  Something I picked up on a whim, but has allowed me to admit things that I have not been able to admit.  Allowed me to face things, that I thought were only my problems.  There is a feeling of solidarity, and some peace.  And the author does a good job of keeping the focus on healing from God.

If you know someone divorced... make them read this book.  Please.  I'm going to reread it several times because I blew through it so quickly.  So many things applied.  So many things resonated.  So many things were true.

Of course this doesn't excuse my sins.  Not all, but it helps me to rethink how to address them.  I have many to atone for... but this book is like gift of God.  I already said that but I can't stress it enough.

I've always been envious of families with both parents... envious of so many things.  Afraid of so many things, and God, through His Grace, has allowed me to see some of these things in the past couple days.  But this book... is incredible.  So many things are similar.  So many things... like I don't know how to express this.  People before me have suffered in so many similar ways, and this book is a testament of hope.  This book... is incredible.  Of course thanks be to God.

Truly God is gracious... crazy.

Still got to work out a lot of things, and being changed by God is a lifelong process, but I guess book helps provide so much hope, through quotes, verses, interviews with other people, etc.  If you want to know me... you can read this book haha.  Honestly, it's scary how insightful it is.  Sleep well people.  I shall be rereading this over the next couple days.

Awake

I feel like... I've finally woken up from this stasis, from this period of lack of emotion and in many ways lack of growth.  God definitely worked in me, but I think I'm finally realizing what it means to put my joy in Christ and not in others.  And yes it's a daily struggle.  Everything is... and there's still anxiety and stress, but there's an element of joy, and element of peace, and other positive things.
Contrition, Joy, Humility, Courage, Faith, Obedience

These traits are something I'm going to try to reflect on everyday.  Of course with the Bible.  But ya.  Have a great Saturday.

Edit:
I emailed my second email to my dad... I have a feeling these next emails are going to be painful, and have lots of issues.  Please pray for me.  I draw my courage from God.  I draw my joy from God ,and I follow Him.  It's time for me to make a lot of amends with people.

Money

I started the past couple hours with the intention of blazing through a book, like I've been blazing through some other stuff I've been reading.

Gottemz.

Haha... So I was supposed to finish Radical by David Platt for SLC, and I confess I only read the first few chapters, and stopped.  Well this was the book I decided to blaze through, and got owned.  One chapter in, and my head is a swirl with things.

1) It's good because it's along with a decision I recently made with other people from Urbana.  I'm not going to buy clothes for myself this year at all period.  If you know me... you that it's going to be hard.  But after living in a suitcase for a summer, after living for part of this winter break without the whole wardrobe, it's necessary to calm myself down.  I like dressing well, there I said it.  lol.  Do I always, of course not, but I do enjoy it.  Is it worth it?  Nope... Granted I do believe I've gotten much better about spending money that past couple years (some may disagree for good reason) it's time to bring it even more under control.

2) Wesley (regardless if you agree with his theology completely) lived on a lower income that what he made. According to Platt he literally gave away the excess...  Interesting.  Very very interesting.  Honestly, I would like to be able to do that.  Of course where do you draw the line, what is necessary, how much money would you save, etc. are incredibly important and would have to be answered.  But that lifestyle.... radical or biblical (a question Platt loves to pose, and I like it a lot.)  But that being said, powerful message there.  If I had x income, I live to that income level well hopefully not exactly but relatively close.  But if I were to live at a lower level and give the money away and work for the good of God's kingdom... wow....

3) This ties into #2 but savings... good and evil?  My room at Urbana discussed this, but retirement plans good or bad?  There are good things about it, and bad things.  Many people who read this will probably disagree, and I don't blame them.  Nothing set in stone in the Bible about this, but isn't a retirement fund for your own enjoyment after you finish working?  Purely selfish?  Of course the money can be used for good, no denying it, and maybe being a good steward ties into it.  But I dunno... that's a lot of money in investments that could be used for something.  When God says don't worry, doesn't that mean we don't need to worry for something that's going to happen roughly 50 years from now?  Or is it being a good steward?  And if you have kids then they can support you... hahaha.  Sounds terrible cause how would they support you if they are in ministry too o.O the hypotheticals are endless.

I dunno, I'm going to talk to the good old Pastor IJ about it, this and many other things.  I'm stupid for not talking to him more.  And if you are reading this and you haven't taken the time to get to know him... don't make the same mistake as me.  I do know where he stands on money (sorta) but want to learn more, and I guess I'll decide on my own prayerfully.  Prayerfully is key here... something I need to do more of.

Butttt all of this being said requires I have a job haha.  Something I'm still looking for.  But then... I don't plan on working forever, I want to go into ministry, and then what happens o.O.  Money... so interesting you are. Cause if I know I want to stop working, ideally i want to save as much as possible... ugh.  But then what if i decide to work longer than I thought i would... crazy.  I guess one positive singlehood for life, so much cheaper... and the many benefits Piper talks about in sermons.  I wonder if I could be single for life? Many people say no, but who knows...  Ideally not, cause I would feel so lonely... haha but who knows.

And yes I know all of this equals no security on my part.  Lots of stupidity in many ways... but wouldn't that also make my faith all the more real?  For Jesus, isn't it worth it?

My attempt to be honest/somewhat deep/somewhat light hearted.  Which equals ... and haha.  Maybe I'll get better at writing after all this blogging.  That would be nice.

Wow

I love walks.  I love walks especially in nature.  Today, I went to Deep Run Park.  A place... filled with memories from childhood to even parts of college.  And it was weird.

Haha, I found myself remembering so many things that I had felt like I forgotten.  Maybe memories of the heart? Dunno if that's a real thing.  But ya, I even remembered biking up this hill and not being able to do it when I was a little kid.  I thought it was the biggest hill ever haha.  I remembered a friend's dad's birthday that was held there and playing games.  I remember taking my brother there and other events.

And in some ways it's a metaphor of my life.  I walked through and saw so many things that were familiar like a past.  And then I finally got to this branch on the trail that I didn't remember that well, and I realized that one path led straight to a neighborhood, which I think is a new adaptation.  And then I took the other and realized things had changed.  Life... has the past, and it has a future and often times I've taken branches without realzing it, and changed in ways I don't know.  Honestly, I wish I have changed more but it's okay little steps.  This metaphor seemed cooler in my head...

But during this walk I remembered something.  Joy.  I came to grips with something in my life that I have never been able to admit, and I have constantly denied.  Won't share it, but it's there.  I also realized I had this fear in my life that had been paralyzing me, and I think I'm finally starting to break free, thanks to God's all powerful grace.  Earlier today I listened to a talk by D.A. Carson (an incredible man, thanks to God), and he mentioned 6 traits all Christians should have.
Contrition, Joy, Humility, Courage, Faith, Obedience

I think at my heart I want to be joyful, but I can't.  Sometimes it surfaces, like at Urbana, but more often I suppress it, I kill it.  Many reasons behind this, but ya.  God gave me an element of joy as I walked through nature, He helped me see grace again as well.

I had this image of me before Jesus.  A child (I wish I could say man...) crying out saying Jesus, I'm sorry.  I did this wrong, this wrong, this wrong, this wrong, and it went on and on.  Jesus said I know.  And I couldn't only continue Jesus, what's wrong with me, I cry so much cause I can't figure things out, I can't make them work, I can't get over my failures, I can't help, I hurt.  And the entire time the child is looking down, the entire time I cried unable to look up, and finally I looked up.  And there was compassion, there was kindness, there was grace and an outstretched hand.  I could look up.

I've always struggled with grace.  I've struggled with joy for a long time.  But I think what I needed was a walk.  A time to see nature, God's glory manifested in a unique way, and bask.  I needed time to just walk through the images of my past and reflect.  I needed time to look to a present that is changing and a future that will be unexpected.

Jimmy Needham expressed this joy in a powerful way in another song haha.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYE_XjaCBQo

Of course... I'm going to be hurt a lot more and probably cry a lot more and struggle a lot more. I've got a lot of idols to destroy.  But I'm reminded once again, that it's worth it.  Even later today or tomorrow will bring lots of struggles... haha.  Even the issues I talked about in the previous posts are real and not resolved, but I can finally find some strength in God again.  I hope I'm not being bipolar or something and just suddenly happy briefly, but regardless I will cling to Jesus.

Maybe I should just become a forest ranger some day.... haha.

A poor attempt at being artsy, but I thought it looked pretty.

This is a sign that never used to be there, but something new and interesting.  Just like my perception of the past gains deeper meaning as time goes on.

Breaks are good for reflection.  And random, my family has a sys theo book at home o.O crazy, and my mom has been attending early morning prayer meetings everyday this week.  Crazy.  And I was thinking earlier today how this blog I started reading has serious and joyful/funny articles and how mine is so depressing, but I guess this is a joyful one.

And I think I shall try to blog everyday even during school because it forces me to think and reflect more.  Just for a month or something.

Front

I wonder why men feel this need to be super macho stoney exteriors.  Of course I desire it to, but I don't see why.  What is wrong with crying, what is wrong with admitting struggles, what is wrong with recognizing brokeness?  Why can't I, at least just I, forgive myself?

I think part of it is this desire to be someone, to fulfill some role that we artificially placed on ourselves.  We can't seem weak because then who wants to be with us.  We can't seem too much like a baby because we want that respect.  And yet... it doesn't make sense.  Does me making fun of someone (which i do too much) or talking in a slightly different tone of voice mean anything? No... in fact it shows my insecurities.  It shows my lack of appreciating and delving and holding onto the Gospel.  It shows my lack of faith.

So of course if you like sports then yay, but if you feel like you have to like sports to be a "guy" why?  So you need to cry, then cry.... perhaps this what we need.  More people that can admit their weaknesses to others.  And with everything it starts with the person talking about it, so I guess me.  Haha, maybe I should carry tissues around or something.  I think deep within me, I'm just a cry baby.  When I cry I finally reveal the depth of my pain, anguish, or even joy.  So why hold it in?  Well in part it is embarassing, but I think in front of my closest friends and people I trust it's okay.  People just look so dumb when they cry. Haha.


Also a side note, I finally managed to finish the Bible last month, and didn't feel as accomplished as I thought I would... haha.  But I think reading the Bible morning and night in small chunks like I've been doing for the past couple days, is so much better than reading in a larger chunk.  Of course you hear these things, but putting it into practice always gives a nice surprise.  Sigh, instance of laziness, I've received lots of good advice over time but only lately have I been applying them.  Better late then never though.

Why So Many?

Why so many posts all of a sudden after such a long hiatus some might be wondering?

In part because of the no txting and no gchat etc commitment I made.  Txting when calling is not an option but largely calling.  It's interesting.  But chatting and txting were easy ways to kill time and feel known.  Without it you feel empty.  People you could at least see were on was comforting, and now there's a lot of loneliness not just cause of this, but it's interesting.

Honestly, it gives me a lto of time to think, perhaps too much, but who knows.  This is like my public journal now, as well as the couple private ones I have haha.

when Jesus was tempted in the dessert, when He took on the wrath of God, how distraught was He?  I don't think I can fathom it.  I struggle now with all this anxiety, stress, fighting for joy, fighting for peace, and yet He went through so much more.  It's so humbling.  Doesn't alleviate my own internal battles, but it helps somehow.

Every semester has been hard for me.  I tell everyone this, but it's true.  I haven't had that chill semester or joyful semester or anything like that.  It's just been hard, harder, maybe not as hard but still hard, and then harder.  For some reason... I think this semester will be the hardest.

1) Time to graduate.  And still no job, only two interviews so far and I've managed to fail them both.  haha, my school screwing up gifts.
2) Re-evaluating my relationships with people and working to be more intnetional about the Gospel, as well as actually evangelizing.  yes, i have concrete steps, and no i don't feel like going into them now, but i can in person.
3) Figuring out my relationship with my biological father.
4) Figuring out who I am.
5) Looking back on college years....
6) Preparing myself for the ways I've committed to serve in the long term.
7) Finding my solace in God and God alone.

And many more, some of these are similar, but just whatever came to my mind.

Urbana challenged me to act here, and so that's my goal.  I have two people I want to try to do Bible Study with outside of GCF Bible study, I have relationships I want to fix and be intentional about the Gospel, etc.

But underlying all of this is the question of grace.  God can forgive, but can people?  Not that I elevate my sins or anything, and this is tied into my obessesion with other people as stated in my previous post, I need to let go about peopel's preception of me and trying to fit this image, I guess something to add to the list.

I wonder if this semester if I take this effort to pray more, to read more, to exercise more (lol), to do many things.  Will I finally come out stronger?  I used to think that after every hardship I came out stronger or wiser at least, or maybe just able to deal with things, but I think ultimately I came out weaker and weaker.  maybe that's the point, and I just spent so much time ignoring the fact, that it finally caught up to me and now I can only turn to God.  i want to turn to people, but it's not really an option anymore.  (ooo mysterious, sike).  But ya, perhaps.... i will change.  perhaps i can finally become more like God wants me to be fundamentally.

lots of perhaps... honestly i'm scared.  blessings i've received remind me of how i'm unworthy and i can't get beyond that.  sufferings now reinforce how i'm unworthy.  and yes the Cross stands all the brighter and all the stronger.  but i think it also causes me to be scared all the more.  God... what if this entire time i thought i was drawing closer to You, but instead i only fought you.  what if my prayers and my actions are offensive to you as stated i believe in isaiah, what if Lord i thought i knew you and i didn't?  i guess on the one hand, i get what i deserve, eternal damnation.

that isn't to say i'm content with where i am.  hence i have things i've decided to do to help.  hence i've been looking to God so much more.  Hence... i recognize more and more only God sustains me, only God keeps me from dying both figuratively and literally.  but it's a fine line i walk.

the checklist is things i'm completely open to discuss, share, receive advice on, etc.  I want to be used by God and I want to be useful to spreading His Gospel.

The later part... is not something that i probably can discuss.  it's my musings, it's my pain, it's something that i dunno is flowing in my mind still.

and yes there's this huge disparity right?  one day i want to go on missions, i've committed myself.  and yet... i carry so much baggage, i carry so much pain, i carry so many issues with me.... not a good sign.  honestly, one of the few skills that i think i've managed to hone unintentionally and through stupidity over the past several years of my life, it's hurting people.  finding bs reasons to cover it up, but in the end hurting people.

there's that quote bad at being good and good at being bad?  i think that applies to me.  but now this is becoming a mark is being melodramatic and self-centered and pathetic.  shake it off right? just shake it off and move in.  keep calm and move on.  haha.  but addressing issues and ignoring them are different require different magnitudes of time and investment, and i think i have a lot of things to refelct on this semester that i haven't been willing to for so long... time for many blog posts to keep on coming, i'm sure whoever reads these will get bored, but that's okay. if they help in some small way, yay, if not at least i ahve a record for myself haha.

all of this being said, Jesus remains Lord of all.

Pride

What are the lies of the enemy?  Are they the bad thoughts that we have, but are those not just manifestations of who we are?  Random question that I have been ruminating over for a long time, but a side point.

Today, I learned something.  One being, yes I'm just as bad as I have been, not getting any better and if anything becoming worse.

I think today was the first time I admitted to God that I actually hate myself.  Too often it's lamenting this or that or being upset and sad about this or that but never could I tell God, I hate myself and the fact that I'm your creation boggles me because I can't see the good inside of me.  I can't see the beauty of Him in me like I can in the world and among His people.  And I think that is/was crucial for me.  I felt like I couldn't be honest with God, go figure right?  And it broke me...  But that being said... my eyes were opened to a crucial factor of me that I've been hiding and ignoring.

I'm a bigger people pleaser than I ever imagined.  And sadly it's gotten to the point where I doubt who I am. Am I really that happy person or am I that dark person as stated before.  Of course there is an aspect of serving that I do embrace.  God has called us to be servants, but then... I transformed it into I'm going to do what it takes so that they will like me... not so I can serve and help them.  And then I lost/lose myself, and I'm left empty.  One day, I hope I know the real me, and I hope it's something I can say God be praised, but so far... no.

I am prideful where I think oh look I'm here as a fourth year time for me to pour out MY wisdom or whatever trash I spew out.  I feel this need to fulfill this standard that I've imposed on myself.  I have to have this image, I have to be this image, I have to... be someone I'm not.  What I am is broken, tired, struggling, not some guy who can give answers, who can always give a shoulder, who can fix your problems.  I'm not someone who has felt comfortable being who I am, leading to these split ideas of who I am.  I
I have not been acting in an honorable way, and I believe that even this has led to a lot of issues.

What I want to be... is something I need to let go of.  I need to be what Jesus wants me to be.  I believe I can serve etc., but my mindset, what comes out from me, needs to change.  If you read this keep me accountable, please.

And... be frank with me.  Despite what people may think I do believe I can hide my state of emotions rather well.  If I didn't have this blog none of the few of you who read this would ever know otherwise, maybe guess here or there, but I doubt how much you would know.  Of course I should be able to speak this in person, so if you have questions I can talk about it.  I shall do my best to be less of a people pleaser and to act honestly without pretense, even if you do dislike me. lol.