Honesty

If I had a choice, my friends... should forget about me.  Like mist, here and then disappears from one's mind.  I think I would find peace in that.  Mistakes and hurts I've caused would be forgotten.  Happy memories would just be warm feelings.  And life would go on.  But I guess Biblically, I should be seeking to join with my fellow brothers and sisters in rejoicing in God and helping one another so how can you forget a fellow brother or sisters in arms haha.

I'm wondering these days... if I really will just end up alone.  I can't offer anything to anyone, in fact these days I feel the need to preface any friendships with... I'm going to fail you at some point.  Don't rely on me.  I have nothing to offer but potential pain.  Not much of a friendship, or even the potential marriage (I say potential cause I doubt I'll have one.)  Being alone is safe, but lonely.  But is the safety worth it?  Many would say not, but with my track record... being alone might be the best.  Should I become a monkkkkk? lolz.  

I dunno these are my musings.  I would be sad if I never married, I really want a family.  In part because I want to do it right because my family... is bizarre at best.  In part because it's beautiful.  But why have something beautiful, if I'm just going to mar it.  What makes me think I can do it right.  By God's power indeed.  But... I'm not worth the effort.  Of course this mentality effects my relationship with God.  I can't accept grace completely.  One day maybe I can.  But maybe one day I can't, God still gets glory if I end up in Hell though.  No worries there.

I'm a sinner, in need of grace, but struggling to accept it.  I'm a sinner deserving nothing who has been blessed with too much in the first place.  I'm a sinner who wants to serve but the reality is, has been lost for so long.  I'm a sinner deserving of Hell, but I don't want that to be my resting place.  I'm a sinner, where I delude myself into thinking my work matters.  I'm a sinner, who will never live a perfect life, who is destined to continue to sin despite my efforts not to, who will only hurt those around him, who will fail those around him, who will never be useful.  Yet God loves me, and I struggle with... why.  I feel like my death would serve a greater purpose than my life, but there's my cockiness saying I know better than God coming into play haha.  Who am I kidding, I want to live, but death will come and I'll be waiting for it.