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A couple days ago my roommates were joking and saying Mark can't you be nicer and less serious.  Today someone mentioned I need to be more joyful.

Haha.  Sort of hurts, but I agree.  But I don't want to be fake in my joy like I have been.  I don't want to tell all those white lies that I've been content with saying for so long.  I really want.... to change.  I wish that could be me.  I finally listened to part of that homosexuality talk and one of the speakers had a good quote.

"Change is not the absence of struggle.  Change is the freedom to choose holiness in the midst of our struggles."

That being said everything comes from God.  The question is... do I inundate myself with things that remind me of God, bring me back to God or do I waste time?  Thankfully the answer is attempting to inundate myself, and eventually something shall hopefully stick, God willing.  I had an epiphany earlier today, but I should have written it down, cause I can't remember.  Sigh my memory has gotten really bad these days.  Like really bad...

But I finished a Japanese drama I was watching, Nobuta Wo Produce.  Yes, a time waster, but it honestly has helped me a lot with Japanese.  I think forcing myself to listen again and try to not use subtitles unless necessary is getting me back into the flow of listening comprehension.  But... I felt so many similarities in the main character.  Made me sad haha.  Basically he uses people, and in the end everything falls apart, but he has a couple real friends.  Reinforced the idea of how, I'm a sinner in need of grace.  But they mentioned something cute, as long as you have someone waiting, you can come back from places you regret.  Interesting right?  Of course that should be God.

Something else the drama mentioned.  Not being believed is scary... makes one even doubt oneself so much.  And making people cry... is painful.  So painful.  Honestly, I think I'm becoming afraid of people.  Might have mentioned that before.  I'm afraid of being hurt a lot, but also hurting them.  People are scary.

Random note, it sounds like Philidelphia will work out for spring break service trip.  Aww ya.  And I checked out a book on photography haha.  It's interesting and talks about lenses and composition.

I... am still very frustrated with who I am.  But life goes on.  I'm starting to get to that point where my heart is just too tired and needs rest so I conveniently block things out so I can function.  I hate this part of me.  Actually I hate a lot of parts of me... who am I kidding, every part of me.  Bah, I'm too tired to focus, but perhaps I should stop blogging.  It's always so me- focused.  Very... egocentric, very pathetic.  And doesn't seem biblical.  I'll try to do something more interesting I guess.  At least will give me something to focus on.  Forgive me.  And sorry for all this like bipolarity in my posts lately, I think I'm going to plan out these things more, and make them less free flow.

Btw, Tenth Avenue North has some powerful songs.  "Hold My Heart" and others.