Sometimes

Sometimes, I wish I didn't have a heart.  That I could be that automaton/robot we always say we would be without free will.  Then... there wouldn't be pain sorrow, frustration, disappointment etc.  Of course then there wouldn't be joy happiness, rejoicing, tears of both pain and sorrow, there would be an absolute neutral.

But is that so bad?  I wouldn't look back and hate myself for everything I did wrong.  I wouldn't look back and wonder I acted so stupid, I wouldn't look back and wish I could take away all the hurt I caused.  

I believe one thing that I've always been good at within my walk with Christ, more so the past couple years then the initial couple was realizing that I am a sinner who deserves nothing.  But too often I take that too far and believe that God should not give me anything and then we get into the realm of oh now your saying God is wrong and doubting Him etc.  But sometimes... I can't help it.  I really can't.  The good news I've received healing about this in some ways, but the truth is... I wish I was gone too often.

In part cause I'm a coward who doesn't want to face my mistakes and in part because when I do, I'm overwhelmed.  

I'm a prime example of what not do.  Of course there are many things I haven't done and are bad to do, but I can't help but see all the mistakes I've made.  Everythign that I should have treasured or held onto and let go.  Everything... that God blessed me with and I squandered.

And now, like I said before I question those happy moments in my life.  Everyone tells me that I was happier first year or at least more expressive.  But I think part of it, something I haven't been able to admit is that I'm almost afraid of people now.  I'm afraid of getting close and hurting those that I get close to.  I'm afraid of getting hurt.  Haha... the take away messages shouldn't be avoid but for some reason I've twisted everything into that.  

But tis life... when one stops fighting they die.  That is something I've taken away.

One of the things I enjoy a lot is snowboarding.  When your snowboarding fast enough, you can't worry about anything else then I need to turn here or carve here etc.  Your mind is  focused, the worries of the world are gone, the pain you feel, everything is wrapped in this adrenaline where you feel free, you feel like your flying, you feel so free.  And that's how my walk with Christ should be.  So focused that nothing matters, so focused that I can only feel free, feel like someone else, feel in awe.

But I don't.  Haha... the great thing about Urbana was this transition of all of the head knowledge that I've been gaining finally breaking into this stupid cold heart of mine.  But ya... I planned this when I was thinking earlier, but like always it just sorta becomes a stream of consciousness that flows.  Perhaps one day I'll actually write a proper one.

I just wish... that I didn't feel alone so often, but that's my fault isn't it. Haha.  Even now, even though it's break, I feel tired.  I have the urge and desire for God, but deep inside of me is this deep weariness, and I doubt I'll ever let anyone understand it.  In part cause some of it's my own stupidty lol.  I need to get over things, I need to grow up, etc., but also... can't say I'm worth it.

On the bright side... today I'll be figuring out my classes for the last semester and, I'll be emailing my dad... crazyyyyyy. lol....