Brother Birthday Party

So, today I left men's retreat early and came home for my brother's birthday party because I've missed it for the past couple years, and failed to even call him on his birthday as well.  Yes, I'm a terrible older brother, which is why I couldn't not go because who knows if I go somewhere far away, this might be my last chance.

Pastor Ro is a gifted man.  Incredibly reformed... like epitome of it haha.  No complaints, but interesting.  He even delved into theological points of interest during his sermon, but that being said I wish I could have stayed the entire retreat.  He was talking about something close to me.

Last night he established that we are dead and sinful.  Drove the point home powerfully, and I was like yes, I agree with this.  I can cry out as Paul in Romans 7:24, "Wretched man that I am..."  And of course the redemptive portion of this is Christ which he was planing on getting to today, but I missed it.  Not that I don't know... but I need to hear it.

I talked to him post sermon because I needed to hear more, in just how can one even turn to Christ.  But he made the point that if you are struggling that is indication that you are beginning to grasp something of the faith.  And other things, I just really wish... I could have talked to him more.  He's an eloquent, yet bold and powerful pastor, somewhat DA Carson esque and it was good to hear him haha.  But I believe that I'll shoot him an email, get some verses and dive in to it, maybe someone recorded it or I can get his notes or something.

One challenge that I came out with from a video clip he showed us.  And the guy mentioned entertainment, and how yes it's bad.  And I know this, but he was like you are paying for someone to defame God and you love it.  And I froze.  One of my favorite movies of all time is, "Good Will Hunting."  It beautiful..., but what are half the curse words G** D**** It.  I'm listening to someone say the worst insult in the world... and enjoying it still.  And I dunno, yes there's the aspect of looking beyond that, but then there's also the aspect of really... just filling yourself up with good stuff.  Sigh.  And yes, I'm going to stop reading manga again.  I go through like spurts of several months off and a couple weeks on.  But this might be for good completely.

But ya... just one sermon some challenging video clips, and I came knowing that these feelings are right.  These struggles that I have are... legitimate.  But the gift of Christ is that... a gift.  A gift I do not deserve, a gift where nothing I ever do will be good enough.  And I stare at Him in shock.  I think... I will be at this stage for a while.

I've realized also another idol I have.  Seeing family friends with super little kids come to my brother's birthday party, I desperately want a family hahaha.  Kids are adorable, family is beautiful, but... I'm afraid.  My goals of thinking my actions can bring about good are entirely stupid.  God does good things through me, I can't force it at all.  Even my best is like offering God feces, and I do that so often.  Too often.

Ya, I know this is sort of all over the place, I think the one message though that I heard was a reminder of the depravity means we have nothing to hope in but Christ. there is HOPE.  Something... I've been rejecting uknowlingly for so long now.  Seeking fulfillment in this world for so long, I've failed and seen everything fall apart.  And that's how it will always be.  Everyday is a struggle to look past the mess I made, but to see how God is working through that.

Am I happier now?  Temporarily because my brother was so happy to see me.  Even now he sits in the room with me cause he likes to be with me haha.  One day... God willing I'll have a little kid that I can dote on.  Or who knows, randomly popped in my head one day what if I run an orphanage???  Haha... future is far, for now work out who I am.

Random coolness.  I got my step-dad's super old rebel body, and he's letting me borrow his prime lense and some not so good zoom lense, but sounds like it shall be fun.  I'm using my tablet so a couple pictures from my handheld to be posted tomorrow.

But ya, God will be glorified if I go to Hell or Heaven so my thoughts of God shouldn't have made me are invalid.  Either way He's glorified.  Hopefully, heaven though, or that which is beyond if you see the link in a previous couple of posts.