I had to write devo's for Men's Retreat... it was hard. Read good things, reminded of good things, doubt I conveyed things well. But hard because, I felt hypocritical. I know these things, I'm challenged by them... but ultimately my heart was empty behind them.
I'm good at putting up a front. Even as I try to break it down... I build it back up. What do I tell people that don't know me well how I'm doing, I always say okay. Been better. I guess that's better than lying to their face but still. Honestly, I'm beginning to develop this inability to be around people too much. I feel really awkward, unwelcome, unclean, evil. I'm so good at putting up a front, I wonder when did I start to deceive myself? Haha. The irony right? The irony...
Today was a beautiful day... but I couldn't appreciate it. I even saw an adorable husky, and I love dogs, but I couldn't smile like I always do. And couldn't even go play frisbee, but it was really cold and windy, so I think I made the smart decision.
Men's retreat is this weekend, and I'm going only for Friday night and leaving Saturday for my brother's birthday party cause I missed it the past couple years. Thankfully this reminded me to call him just now, and I did. And I cried haha. You might wonder why?
Why, indeed. Because I struggle everyday with this idea that God need not and should not give me anymore blessings. To ask anything from Him seems wrong after all He has done for me, and all I've done to screw up. Because in those simple words of I really really miss you and I love you from him, I began to break. Because these words seem so far and aloof, and in them is so much emotion, I just wish I could accept them. Pride perhaps prevents me. I'm too bad to be receiving these things. I'm sure other aspects as well. I don't think I accept well at all. Just use me and move on; don't blame yourself, blame me; it's my fault; don't worry about me. Words that I've told myself and others for a long time. Haha, but if you talk enough and reason enough you can always convince the other person. And eventually this became my thought process with God. Recognition is the first step right?
On the bright side. I'm trying this new thing guys... where I don't let things just slide through. But I confront them, and I really really struggle with who I am in relation to God. Maybe too much? Dunno, but it's better than what I've been doing the past several years shrugging things off. Thinking I had dealt with things when I never did because in the end... I always came back.
Switching gears, been mad cold man. Making me realize, I really like cold, but enough to deal with this all the time? Not sure yet hahaha. But I'm itching to go to Wintergreen, so maybe one last time next week before school gets too busy. And I think I might try to upload one or two pics a day, I dunno just to give me something to do.
My new charger came in today. So now I have an extra one lolz. But it came with an extra battery, lens cloth, and screen protector so I would say $15 well spent.
My view from my room. Encompassing the lunatic aspect of some kind of art thought process that a Mr. I described to me. No didn't crack the window and put tape on it, it's been like that.
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