Pride

What are the lies of the enemy?  Are they the bad thoughts that we have, but are those not just manifestations of who we are?  Random question that I have been ruminating over for a long time, but a side point.

Today, I learned something.  One being, yes I'm just as bad as I have been, not getting any better and if anything becoming worse.

I think today was the first time I admitted to God that I actually hate myself.  Too often it's lamenting this or that or being upset and sad about this or that but never could I tell God, I hate myself and the fact that I'm your creation boggles me because I can't see the good inside of me.  I can't see the beauty of Him in me like I can in the world and among His people.  And I think that is/was crucial for me.  I felt like I couldn't be honest with God, go figure right?  And it broke me...  But that being said... my eyes were opened to a crucial factor of me that I've been hiding and ignoring.

I'm a bigger people pleaser than I ever imagined.  And sadly it's gotten to the point where I doubt who I am. Am I really that happy person or am I that dark person as stated before.  Of course there is an aspect of serving that I do embrace.  God has called us to be servants, but then... I transformed it into I'm going to do what it takes so that they will like me... not so I can serve and help them.  And then I lost/lose myself, and I'm left empty.  One day, I hope I know the real me, and I hope it's something I can say God be praised, but so far... no.

I am prideful where I think oh look I'm here as a fourth year time for me to pour out MY wisdom or whatever trash I spew out.  I feel this need to fulfill this standard that I've imposed on myself.  I have to have this image, I have to be this image, I have to... be someone I'm not.  What I am is broken, tired, struggling, not some guy who can give answers, who can always give a shoulder, who can fix your problems.  I'm not someone who has felt comfortable being who I am, leading to these split ideas of who I am.  I
I have not been acting in an honorable way, and I believe that even this has led to a lot of issues.

What I want to be... is something I need to let go of.  I need to be what Jesus wants me to be.  I believe I can serve etc., but my mindset, what comes out from me, needs to change.  If you read this keep me accountable, please.

And... be frank with me.  Despite what people may think I do believe I can hide my state of emotions rather well.  If I didn't have this blog none of the few of you who read this would ever know otherwise, maybe guess here or there, but I doubt how much you would know.  Of course I should be able to speak this in person, so if you have questions I can talk about it.  I shall do my best to be less of a people pleaser and to act honestly without pretense, even if you do dislike me. lol.