Haha, I found myself remembering so many things that I had felt like I forgotten. Maybe memories of the heart? Dunno if that's a real thing. But ya, I even remembered biking up this hill and not being able to do it when I was a little kid. I thought it was the biggest hill ever haha. I remembered a friend's dad's birthday that was held there and playing games. I remember taking my brother there and other events.
And in some ways it's a metaphor of my life. I walked through and saw so many things that were familiar like a past. And then I finally got to this branch on the trail that I didn't remember that well, and I realized that one path led straight to a neighborhood, which I think is a new adaptation. And then I took the other and realized things had changed. Life... has the past, and it has a future and often times I've taken branches without realzing it, and changed in ways I don't know. Honestly, I wish I have changed more but it's okay little steps. This metaphor seemed cooler in my head...
But during this walk I remembered something. Joy. I came to grips with something in my life that I have never been able to admit, and I have constantly denied. Won't share it, but it's there. I also realized I had this fear in my life that had been paralyzing me, and I think I'm finally starting to break free, thanks to God's all powerful grace. Earlier today I listened to a talk by D.A. Carson (an incredible man, thanks to God), and he mentioned 6 traits all Christians should have.
Contrition, Joy, Humility, Courage, Faith, Obedience
I think at my heart I want to be joyful, but I can't. Sometimes it surfaces, like at Urbana, but more often I suppress it, I kill it. Many reasons behind this, but ya. God gave me an element of joy as I walked through nature, He helped me see grace again as well.
I had this image of me before Jesus. A child (I wish I could say man...) crying out saying Jesus, I'm sorry. I did this wrong, this wrong, this wrong, this wrong, and it went on and on. Jesus said I know. And I couldn't only continue Jesus, what's wrong with me, I cry so much cause I can't figure things out, I can't make them work, I can't get over my failures, I can't help, I hurt. And the entire time the child is looking down, the entire time I cried unable to look up, and finally I looked up. And there was compassion, there was kindness, there was grace and an outstretched hand. I could look up.
I've always struggled with grace. I've struggled with joy for a long time. But I think what I needed was a walk. A time to see nature, God's glory manifested in a unique way, and bask. I needed time to just walk through the images of my past and reflect. I needed time to look to a present that is changing and a future that will be unexpected.
Jimmy Needham expressed this joy in a powerful way in another song haha.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYE_XjaCBQo
Of course... I'm going to be hurt a lot more and probably cry a lot more and struggle a lot more. I've got a lot of idols to destroy. But I'm reminded once again, that it's worth it. Even later today or tomorrow will bring lots of struggles... haha. Even the issues I talked about in the previous posts are real and not resolved, but I can finally find some strength in God again. I hope I'm not being bipolar or something and just suddenly happy briefly, but regardless I will cling to Jesus.
Maybe I should just become a forest ranger some day.... haha.
A poor attempt at being artsy, but I thought it looked pretty.
This is a sign that never used to be there, but something new and interesting. Just like my perception of the past gains deeper meaning as time goes on.
Breaks are good for reflection. And random, my family has a sys theo book at home o.O crazy, and my mom has been attending early morning prayer meetings everyday this week. Crazy. And I was thinking earlier today how this blog I started reading has serious and joyful/funny articles and how mine is so depressing, but I guess this is a joyful one.
And I think I shall try to blog everyday even during school because it forces me to think and reflect more. Just for a month or something.
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