Last night and while sleeping I had the craziest chills and fever, but today apart from a slight headache I'm fine. Even a bruise on my hand disappeared. Power of prayer and God and... 11 hours of sleep lol. But I really... I guess cause I'm stupid had this conception/hope that I might die and go to Heaven (Hopefuly). Oh wellz.
Heaven is going to be an incredible place... honestly can't wait, if I go there.
I think one thing that I really struggle with is... sin. Haha. But not only past sin as can be seen in previous posts, but the fact that I will always sin. I will never not sin in this lifetime. And that's incredibly hard for me to accept. I will never be perfect, and when put that way it's duh of course not, but I will always sin. And I hate it. I really do. I will always come back hating myself and what I've done.
And I look at God, and I'm like why? Why? And I guess that's the beauty of the Cross right. God loved us despite all that, and everything is covered for by His blood. By that we are washed clean, etc. etc. But... it's so frustrating to me. And at some point this idea consumed me. I wanted to get better and better and relied on myself. I felt this desire to accelerate and rush to be someone greater, which I don't think is wrong, but I think I neglected so many basic truths on the way there, one of them being this idea of love, grace, and mercy. Yes there's a lot of pride in this guys. I really really really hate this fact that.... I will never overcome. Even in Christ, I can't help but sin. Which is part of the reason I long for heaven because there I won't sin again. But I feel like I'm cheapening the gift of life at the same time. Cheapening this gift that God has given me. Sigh...
Today in my Religion, Ethics, and Environment class we talked about virtue. And how our definition of a virtue will be something that you do without thinking that is good (how we define good is part of our discussions, but the main point is without thinking). But how often do I something good without thinking? Not often... lol. I guess like we said in class, virtue is something we attain through virtuous thinking until it becomes part of us, but still.... like another sigh moment. Aspects of Christianity will become second nature to us, evangelizing, resisting sin, showing love, forgiveness, and many more. But even then... we will fail...
I honestly demand perfection out of myself. And perhaps that's why I've failed so much and finally... I don't know how to handle it anymore. There's hopelessness. I'm trying to figure out what it means... to let Christ completely sustain me. Now if you have pointers or any encouragements please let me know. Facing the overwhelming wrath that I deserve, facing my sin and how I will never stop sinning, is crushing me.
But changing gears to happier things. I played frisbee yesterday! So much fun... so out of shape. Sooo freaking cold. Prob part of the reason I got sick, cause I felt earlier but I still played anyways and then I couldn't shower for a while cause of Bible Study. But I paid for that mistake, and I'm not running today so that I can play again tomorrow haha. As much as I love cold weather, this cold front is challenging this idea of mine.
Typical Richmond pic from this past Sat. Went VMFA with peeps, saw where we had prom my senior year haha, felt really old. And the photo section is super small there, but I found this photography book.... sick. And her camera from like the mid 90's had beautiful detail. I was in awe. haha.
This thing will prob be here... forever.
Shows how high the water is. Like I said earlier.. Water was so high.
Another picture to show that.
And I found my camera charger! yay! haha. Hopefully when it gets a little warmer I'll just go for walks to take pictures.
From Mexico, found it on my old camera haha. Very.. hipster, but cool!
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